On this week's episode, Bridget is recapping the Oscars for us and Colleen is turning into Gwyneth Paltrow. The topic of the week is.... CRAZY RELATIONSHIP STORIES. From dating, to marriage, to cheaters and divorce, this episode has it all! Strap in as we discuss hot takes, naked cowboys, psychotic exes and a story about a bride that will haunt your nightmares. We play a game of "are you a crazy girlfriend?" and leave you with some of the pettiest things people have done after a break up. Also, will the men who listen to this podcast please reveal yourself and answer our questions!!! Thank yew.
Sources:
Review and subscribe! You can find us on Instagram @Sippinwiththeshannons or send us your stories at Sippinwiththeshannons@gmail.com. Love you, mean it.
On this week's episode, Bridget is recapping the Oscars for us and Colleen is turning into Gwyneth Paltrow. The topic of the week is.... CRAZY RELATIONSHIP STORIES. From dating, to marriage, to cheaters and divorce, this episode has it all! Strap in as we discuss hot takes, naked cowboys, psychotic exes and a story about a bride that will haunt your nightmares. We play a game of "are you a crazy girlfriend?" and leave you with some of the pettiest things people have done after a break up. Also, will the men who listen to this podcast please reveal yourself and answer our questions!!! Thank yew.
Sources:
Review and subscribe! You can find us on Instagram @Sippinwiththeshannons or send us your stories at Sippinwiththeshannons@gmail.com. Love you, mean it.
rollin and we're rollin I'm just kidding I don't get the hype about that And that's just I didn't I never saw Barbie and I never want to Can we end it now? We're about one second in and I already want to end the episode You're gonna have to give me more positivity than that No notes I'm just kidding the song in my heart, I don't have one I'm still in my sleepy fuzzies because you let me take a nap on the couch. Yeah, Colleen came over. She says, I'm coming over early. I decided to leave work. I was like, well, I'm certainly not doing anything. Come on by! And lo and behold, she came over. She said, I need peace. I said, great. I was watching The Bachelor, and she got, you know, into her clothes, immediately got naked in front of me, into her comfy clothes, got on the couch, and next thing I know, I'm hearing some snoring. And I'm like, good for you. You kept setting your alarm, though. Oh, I can't. I won't fall asleep unless I have an alarm set. Why? It's my worst fear, so like, I sleep too much. I feel like I'm missing out on the day. You don't, you don't think I would just go like, hey, we have a podcast to record. I don't know. I feel like you would let me enjoy my peace. I don't know. I would. I would. Yeah. But I feel like it, you have less peace if you keep waking up to an alarm. No, it makes me feel better. Otherwise I'd wake up like this. If you keep, you snoozed it like six times. I was like, girl, just give yourself, just give yourself a mo. Oh, I didn't even know I did that. I do that in the morning sometimes. I definitely used to do that in the morning. Erin wakes up for my alarms, not me. What a lovely roommate. Anyways, I'm awakening and I'm, my pussy pop is awakening. Do you feel well rested or do you feel more energized? Yeah, I was a shell of a person about two hours ago. So yeah, let me, how about you intro and then I'll, I'll be ready. Okay, great. Hi everyone. Hi! And welcome to this week's episode of Sippin with the Channins. We're cousins and each week we sit down, we sip on some wine, we talk some shit, and we have a good giggle. I'm Bridget Channin. And I'm Colleen Channin. Look at her, a well rested queen. I just need a little something to wet my whistle. How was your weekend? What'd you do? And if you tell me you rotted and you just lost at the back of your eyelids, I swear to God, I swear God Colleen. I did not rot. Okay, what'd you do? I worked. And that is the honest to God, call Fiona and Aaron truth. No, I, I believe you. You have 85, 000 weddings this smer. It makes sense. I went to My yoga class and I, I didn't even rot. I just hung, cleaned, and went to work. She's the richest bitch in town, everybody. She is health is wealth. Every day I wake up and tell myself, Health is wealth and I'm the richest bitch in this city. And you are! On Saturday, I did go out because Erin's sister Molly, who we talk about sometimes, and Josh, bought a house, in Quincy, right down the street from us, so we went and, like, saw it, and we went and got drinks. So that, that is something that I did. And then Erin and I realized as we were sitting at the table of, like, two couples that are, like, married and or about to be married, and, like, moving on with their lives, that we just don't fit the vibe. We collectively have one brain cell, ten dollars and no prospects. At one point, at one point I remember we were giggling and Erin had something about her boob and she was like, The difference between ours, and we were sitting at the table and no one noticed. She like, just took her, I, I, we switched hands and I put mine in hers. You were just touching each others boobs? Yes, like, fully. Like, in public. Inside the shirt. Yeah, like I was, I've never felt a woman's nipple before, it really made me feel weird. I was like, I've literally never touched a woman's boob, like, naked boob. And we were just sitting at the table at a bar. Why were we going to second base with our best friends inside of a bar? Because she has mosquito bites, and I obviously do not. So it was just like, so weird. So we were doing that. But I'm like, that's where we're at. As they're around us, talking about their homes, and like, the wedding planning, and their cars, and like, fucking, I don't know, inspections. And we're like. Working on one brain cell. Oh, comparison is the robbery of joy, Colleen. Don't compare. Ignorance is bliss. That's why I keep telling myself also. We're just on different, we're in different lanes. You know, everyone's going a different speed on a different highway. Mine? It's a neutral. Mine has four flat tires. Mine is much like my car in its current state. It's in the junkyard. It's a neutral. It has no tires. All four tires were stolen. There's just cinder blocks underneath each of them. But it's okay, I'm fine. you know what I did last night? Tell me. Uh, you're gonna be like, sorry. So I decided. Classic. I decided that I was gonna make bone broth. Colleen. I simply don't have the fucking strength. What is going I, like, need I think we I need to call somebody because whatever's happening. Someone call Gwyneth Paltrow. That's all I'm saying. Why? So I, I was eating, I got a rotisserie, I got a rotisserie chicken and I heard it was good for you. Like, it's just good for your stomach and like, first thing in the morning, so I was like, okay, I'll make some. So I got out my crock pot. I put the carcass of a rotisserie chicken in it. Okay. With a lot of water. Sure. And then I just like threw in some carrots and some onions for some fun and some spices, you know, and then I put her on high and I left her for a couple hours and then I strained her and now I just have broth and mason jars. And then I just heated it up this morning and drank it first thing this morning. I'm borderline scared of you. I feel like this is the beginning of a horror movie. Really? I mean this, I just had to go through the chicken chunks, but I feel like you're possessed. Make sure there was no bones. By Gwyneth. Is Gwyneth possessing you? The goop is gooping. I will say I love the positive life changes. We are doing a lot of good things for our mental health and our wellness and I love that. But I have to draw the line somewhere and it's got to be bone broth. Like, I don't know. I never thought we'd have to have this conversation. I just wanted to give it a whirl. You know, I just was like, whatever, let's see if it does anything for me. Okay, and? I don't know. I don't feel, I just did it today. I don't know. Do you feel rejuvenated? No. Does the Poussoir feel rejuvenated? No. I feel like, I feel like I'm dead inside today. Considering you took a, an hour and a half nap, I don't think it worked. Yeah. Well, what are the benefits? Let's talk about that. I think it's supposed to be really good for your skin and your stomach. I'm going to Google it. But I'm not 100 percent positive. I also think it has a lot of nutrients because from the bones. And like hot water. Okay. According to health. That's a magazine. So according to like health, uh, it supports your joints, it supports gut health, high quality protein, may improve skin elasticity, makes your skin nice and toit, provides some electrolytes. Good, because I don't drink water. That's good. The risks of bone broth. Jesus Christ. Of course there's a risk. Ignorance is bliss. Get out of there. Okay. Okay. I won't look it up. I don't want to listen. We don't need to know. Okay. Wow. that's a lot to process. First thing out of the gate. But I will just say I love this journey for you. I love certain parts of this journey very much for you. Please. You didn't like me boiling a carcass of a chicken? My crockpot? Fiona was horrified. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I just think there are different things we can do. But listen, if that sparks joy, then I love that journey for you. Thank you. Thank you. Anything else you do this weekend? Uh, no. Lisa Barlow liked my Instagram story though, and she swiped up on my story and sent hearts. Who is that? Lisa Barlow from the Real Housewives of Salt Lake City. Oh, sorry. Sorry. She is an icon. She is the moment. Hello baby. Gorgeous. Okay, I'm sorry, I don't watch The Real Housewives. She is. We really like her. Yes, we really like her. She hasn't done anything No, she's always great. She treats old people. Nope. She does everything she says. I'm like, yes. Preach. If she was to write a bible Would follow it. Oh, 100%. Would do it. Start a religion, I'm in. How did she get into the franchise? Who is she? As a business woman or is she married to someone? Yes, she has No, she's just like a regular Mormon gal. Rich person. Yeah, she owns Vita Tequila. She's Mormon. I'm in. A majority of them are Mormon or have been excommunicated from Mormonism. Got it. Well it makes sense obviously. Heather Gay, she is ex Mormon and she owns a lot of beauty labs. Are they not allowed to drink though? And she owns a tequila company? Is that what you just said? Yes, that's been brought up before. Yeah. I don't know. There's ways, there's things she said about it. Huh. Whatever. She's like a modern Mormon. Pop off, sis. She's new age. And that's all. That's all I have. Okay. Well, that's very exciting. She liked your Instagram. Why did she like it? What'd you post? I reposted her post of, it was just like such batty energy. And like the, there was a song on it that was like gangster something. I forget. It was, it was just like, I saw it and was like, vibes. Repost. Okay. And then she liked it? Yeah, she liked it and she commented on it. Let me pull it up for you guys'cause it's just gorgeous. Yep. Okay. She posted in Instagram, it's Just a picture of her posed with a cute bag and the caption is, Did you pray today? Hashtag know your roots. And the song on it is gang is gangsta shit. I just love her. Yeah, I mean, she looks gorgeous. She's a slay, but that's all. Are you gonna tell me what you did this weekend? Yeah, nothing too crazy. Me and Leanne went out, we had dinner in the North End. We went about on the town. Where did you go and what did you eat? I need to know both things. We went to Brico. And, yeah, we were just looking for a nice cockertail. Just like a little nice Cockerdoodledoo? Yeah. And so we ended up finding Seats at the Bar, I know this is going to sound so pretentious, but bear with me, South America. where you can sit at dinner for sometimes four and a half hours. I just love being able to sit at a bar, order and get food in 20 minutes. It's something that I've missed deeply and I, and I love that. And so not having to like sit at a table and do the full, just like get the apps, get the drinks, have some chat. with each other, have some chat with the bartender. I love a chat with the bartender. I also, the people watching at the bar. we had a spicy bartender, which I love. he made a great Cosmo. Yeah, it just was lovely. And then we watched The Black Rose. And there was a table for two. So I just beelined for it. And Leanne's like, no, no, no, no, you have to eat. I'm like, great. So I ordered French onion soup. I'm like, you want me to? Do you want me to order some food just so I can sit here in front of the band? I shall do that. Except they were like a folk band, which I don't mind that at all. They didn't play any Irish music. They just played their folk music. Interesting. So they were really good musicians, but none of us knew any of the songs. And so we went back to her house and just vibed. Saturday I rotted. Leanne said she hates when we say that because it's rotting has a bad connotation and we should call it something else. It's good. It does give negative. But we do kind of rot. Yeah. Like I'm not doing anything productive for myself or my body when I'm rotting. But I think. Because when I'm rotting, I'm on my phone, like I'm on Tik Tok, like I'm not charging. Right. But I think her point was everybody needs one of those days and we're putting a negative. She was joking about it too. She wasn't giving me like a, a speech. She was just like, don't call it rotting. We all need those days. Colleen and I do in fact rot. Thank you for your positive outlook though Leanne. Leanne. And then on Sunday you were working and Erin had a bridal shower and Karen and I went about town and we walked around Boston and it was actually. A beautiful day outside, started in Childstown, walked over to the OG Pizzeria Regina, had some slices of pizza. I will say if you go to the OG Regina, we went on Sunday, it was beautiful, there was a bit of a line. It went pretty quick though. Don't get the slices because if you get a slice, it's already cooked and they're preheating them. So if you're with someone, try to split even like the 10 inch because they make it freshy fresh. Mmm. I know that seems like obvious, but just in case you ever come to Boston or you live here and you're like, I want a really good slice of pizza, get a small pie. The fresher, the better. The fresher, the better. I love a Regina with sausage like you do, but, but. Regina sausage forever. Add ricotta. No, no, it's so good. No, you still get regular cheese. You just ruined it. No, you ruined it for me You get extra cheese on it, but like yeah, you ruined it for me. Okay Okay, I am. Oh gee the way they make it with regina sausage. That's fair But sometimes I just like to add a little ricotta. You do love a ricotta moment And then we came back And I made sure I came back because what was on on Sunday night, my favorite night of the year? The Oscars. The Oscars. And the Oscar goes to And I'm gonna do a quick recap for you. Okay, thank you. I'll just sit and smile. Yeah, perfect. No, please, like I don't know who any of the people are. That's okay. Actually, no, I might. Yeah, you know who they are. Okay, bye. Go. Okay. Okay, bye. So, I figured we would do one small thing before I do a recap. Yep. And answer one of your questions. Who is the Academy? I thought the Academy was the Golden Globes. No, honey. Nope. Three different awards. Oh, for fuck's sake. So, you keep saying, like, the government. Like, Who's the Academy? Like, how do you vote? What's the deal? I also didn't know the full extent of the answer. So here's how it works. They're the Academy of Motion Pictures and Sciences. There are 17 branches. So it's like actors, costes, makeup, whatever. To get into the Academy, you need two existing Academy members in the branch you're trying to get into to quote unquote sponsor you. So there's no application process. It's a referral system. It's a referral system. And the membership does not expire. If you get a first time nomination, an Oscar nomination, you also can be part of the Academy, no sponsorship necessary. So there are Okay, golden ticket. Right. There are about 9, 500 members that are allowed to vote, all over the world. I was thinking there was like 10. No. 9, 500? Yes. Okay. I guess that makes it fair. Right. And they're given a massive list of movies to start and they can only vote on their branch that they're in on that category. So if you're in the makeup brand, you can only vote on Best Makeup. Okay. Or coste design or whatever it might be. Because that's your expertise, your niche. Exactly. And you can also vote on best picture. Obviously. So that's the only caveat. You don't need to have a specific to know what the best picture is. Exactly. And so every other category is pretty simple. It's just like you vote. It's popular vote. Goodbye. Best picture is not. So this is from a Vanity Fair article I'll post. It says, quote, Once the nominees are in, only Best Picture uses the preferential ballot system, but it's hugely influential in what wins the biggest prize of the night. Voters are asked to rank the nominees from most to least favorite. If a film gets more than 50 percent of nber one votes, a high, highly unlikely prospect in any year, it automatically wins Best Picture. Oh, it doesn't, it's not like a landslide usually? No. Interesting. Nope. And there's controversy with the way that you do this because there's a lot of behind the scenes, how do you say, lobbying, campaigning, getting in with certain people. Yes. They had this one woman who like lobbied really hard and then they have made different, the academy, the board has made different laws to try to squash people from doing that. Literal laws. But that's how, or not laws, but like rules and regulations of, sorry, laws was way too strong. We're pulling in the government? No, sorry, laws was way too strong. Rules to try to squash that from happening. But that is the academy and how they vote. Isn't that interesting? Academy, reveal yourselves. Are you on the academy? Imagine this whole time. I'm like. I am the academy. Are you allowed to reveal that you're on the academy? Or does that like make you like the target? No, it's not like it's giving like the Illinati to me. It's not the Freemasons. I don't even know what a Freemason is. Oh my god, you would love that. We should actually do that sounds like a line of work. Like an oiler. Or like a guy in a mine. Like a Freemason. It technically could be. It sounds like someone that would like have like a hammer. I don't know. Sounds like someone I'd like. Okay. We will talk about that as a black hole we cannot go down today. Okay, cool. I love how every time I try to stop one question, I'm like, oh, I finally have the answer. She probably asked me one completely different one. No, but that's, that's actually a good one. We'll talk about that one day. So highlights. Thanks. I'm just Ken. The performance was incredible. I have watched it on TikTok no less than 20 times. It was electric. I love Ryan Gosling. It was perfect. All of the Kens came out, Greta, America, fucking Margot. It was fantastic. The people were quaking. No notes. I love America Ferreira though. She's a sly and a half. All three of those women. Well, I agree, but specifically, I have a heart and soul for America Ferreira. Fine. I I'm not bashing anybody else. There's no bashing in this conversation. I can't believe you don't like I'm Just Ken. I just have never seen the movie and I don't have any interest in it. Oh my god, the performance was amazing. Emily Blunt in Ryan Gosling fake fighting over Barberheimer was great. Devine Joy Randolph, one for Best Supporting Actress for The Holdovers. She got up and she made a speech. If you have felt like there's ice in your veins, acid running through your body, if you don't watch that speech and feel something, I, I don't know, I don't know if you can be saved at this point. The most impassioned, beautiful speech, Paul Giamatti is watching her crying, everyone was crying, it was my favorite speech of the night. Okay. Period. Another really cool thing that they did is so normally, okay, I won best actress, right? I would come back to the Oscars next year and announce best male actor. So you do like the opposite if you will what if you what if you're winning again? you know what I mean, but you do the opposite category That's why they do that So this year they brought out five past winners to talk about each nominee So for best actress five actresses who have all won Came out and did a little speech about each nominee which I thought was so cool because it it helped honored everyone in the category Versus someone getting up doing a speech and just honoring the winner My favorite part was Rita Moreno. She did a thing on America Ferrera and This is why I fucking love movies and this is why I love the Oscars She comes out, she's 92 years old, 90 fucking two, looks stunning, she comes out and she won an Oscar in like 1962, I want to say, 1967 maybe, I don't know, 1960s. She won for her role as a woman named Anita in West Side Story, the musical, and she sings a song about America. When she comes out and she looks at America, America Ferreira, and they're both Latina and Rita Moreno is the first Latina woman to ever win an Oscar. And she says to her, America, it means so many things. It's like the song, their, their backgrounds and like, it's just, it's so, and then she says all these nice things and everyone was crying. Oh, it was just amazing. The Osage tribal singers performed from their song from The Killers of the Flower Moon. It made history. Scott George wrote the song. He's the first indigenous person to ever be nominated in the category. They got a standing O. People were quaking. Billy and Phineas performed What Was I Made For. Also got a standing O, they took home the Oscar, and now Billie Eilish, at 22 years old, has become the youngest person to win two Oscars. And she is only a Tony away from being an EGOT. Oh really? Yeah. Pop pop, I didn't know that. Yeah, and their speech was really sweet too. She thanked her best friend and she thanked her teachers. She was like, even you, you didn't like me very much, but you were really good at your job. Like, it was, it was really sweet. Robert Downey Jr. won his first Oscar. Uh, it was classic. He is Tony Stark. If anyone watches Marvel, he really is. It's like that snarkiness with a lot of heart. He made a joke about his wife being a vet. But he followed up with, When you met me I was a snarling rescue pet and you loved me back to life. I'll kill myself. What a upsetting comparison. I know, isn't that so sweet? Cora Jefferson won for Best Adapted Screenplay and he got up and he made this speech about how these Hollywood studios are only really funding 200 million dollar budget movies and he's like, we're risk averse, we don't want to take a chance, but also spending that kind of money is a risk and it doesn't always work out. You should be giving And help filmmakers make 40 different 50 million dollar movies instead and giving people like me a shot And everyone was really happy with that. I agree. he's like This has just made my life so happy and there are so many people out there That you could discover if you gave more people a shot. It was really sweet emma stone. Oh, man So she won her second academy award I'm very happy for her. I saw her in Poor Things. She's incredible. The movie's incredible. I just really wanted Lily Gladstone to win. She would have been the first Native American woman to ever do it. I like that she referenced her though and didn't let that go. And I know, and it's, it's not about whether one's Native American and one's, it's not about that. I think the reason why is because Emma Stone will always have this opportunity. She's Emma motherfucking Stone. So we're just gonna have to keep casting Lily Gladstone and stuff so she can have her shot again because it's it's gonna be much Harder for her to do than Emma Stone if that makes sense Just because I'm stones and more I did and Lily Gladstone's Amazing in that movie Amazing. I didn't see it. But oh, it's so long. You would hate it. Oh, but it's murder true crime Vibes. Yeah. Her speech made me want to give her a hug though. I know, and to your point, I'm glad she went up and said like, I share this with you, I want to do this with you more. Uh, when she said, our three year old little girl has turned our lives to our world technicolor. I love you bigger than the whole sky. I was like, well, everyone pack it up. That's the nicest thing that someone can say about another person. No, goodbye. I've never even like fathomed those thoughts about anybody. Yeah. Turned our world technicolor. I love you bigger than the whole sky. Yeah, John Cena came out naked, which was really funny and they, it was like the 50th anniversary or something of a streaker and then he came out and presented about how important costes are. He just is everywhere. John Cena literally is everywhere. Uh, Cillian Murphy won his first Oscar and he said, I'm a very proud Irish man standing here tonight. People in Ireland lost their shit. People were calling into him in the press conference like, we're at the bar, we're having a shot for you Killian. next day his former primary school posted a video of all little kids screaming, For him, he's just like, really sweet. Al Pacino did the most awkward fucking thing I've ever seen, and you would have loved it. Because the Oscars are very stuffy. Just, they Set up straight. Yeah, you have like, your game face on. It is the night of all nights, right? Hollywood elite, A listers everywhere, or whatever. So he comes out, and usually you come out in its best picture. So it's the biggest award of the night, it's the last one of the whole night. And at this point it's like three hours long. And you're supposed to do a little speech about all of the movies, how amazing they are, and then you go, and the nominees are, and then they show a little clip from each movie, and then they go, and the Oscar goes to, or the Academy Award goes to, and they open the envelope, and then they say it. Al Pacino comes out, and he like, does a little thing, does a little mini speech, and he's like, there are ten movies! But only one can win and this is where I go to my envelope and then he just opens it and goes my I see Oppenheimer No one was prepared the orchestra people are like, huh? What what and then the orchestras just start playing and then everyone's clapping. I have to show you it's so fucking weird And I will. In my eyes see Oppenheimer. They're like, what? Al! Al, what are you doing, brother? It's just like the biggest award of the night. And you know the Academy's like, who put this guy at the end? Oh, Al. Big Al. He kept it spicy for us, There was the year they read off the wrong movie. That one, they read off La La Land. It was actually Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Live TV. Something crazy always happens. So, Al being a little weird was I caught a cap to the night and then the biggest wins of the night were Robert Downey jr, Killian Murphy, Devine Joy Randolph obsessed with her, Christopher Nolan won his first one which is crazy, second time winner Emma Stone and then Oppenheimer was the biggest movie of the night taking home the most awards at seven, seven Oscars. God damn. Yeah, Jimmy was great I think. With Jimmy Kimmel he probably toned it down a little bit because hosting recently has been harder to do Jokes have not been landing in the way. Most people think they will He tends to make fun of his friends the most so there was this one point We was going in on Robert Downey jr. And how he has been arrested for drug abuse in the past and Robert Downey jr. Kind of went like keep it moving like all right enough enough Yeah, so I think he goes in on his friends because he knows it's like playing nicer than just you know You know, shitting on someone you don't know. But, overall, I thought he did great. Do you know Guillermo? His right hand at the Jimmy Kimmel show is Guillermo. No. You, okay, we'll talk about this after. You would fucking love Guillermo. Okay. He, like, interviews people on the red carpet. If I saw him, I think I would know him. In the middle of the show, he just starts talking. Cheersing A list celebrities and Jimmy Kimmel's like, Guillermo, what the fuck are you doing? He's just a really lovable sidekick and he, he was a great aspect of the night. But yeah, those were the Oscars. Pop off, Guillermo. Until next time. I think next year when I do awards season, because I love it so much and I talk about it every time, I'm gonna make myself like a rubric. And just go, best movie, you know, biggest snub, and kind of do my own rubric. Best and the worst. Yeah, exactly. Instead of word vomiting at you. No, I, I followed. Okay, great. It's a good flow. Thank you. Great recap. I feel well informed. I don't even, I wouldn't even need to watch it. Do you feel like you were there? Yeah, I wasn't going to watch it anyway, so it was really helpful. What a wonderful synopsis by Bridget. I was going to say, most people don't want to watch it because it's way too fucking long. So, let me assist you. Even though next week when this posts, it's probably going to be old news, but who cares? She's doing the Lord's work, people. Alright, you ready to get into the topic of the week? Yes. I'm here for a silly. Okay. This is the crazy relationship story episode. Yeah. I know that doesn't have a great flow to it, but we wanted all of the crazy stories. Not just dating. We're talking dating, engagement, crazy people at weddings, crazy marriages, divorces. We wanted all the stories from top to bottom. Crazy. Do you want to like kick us off? Crazy. Sure. I did like insane breakup stories, obviously all from Reddit because where else would you find the crazy stuff? Yeah. I did. I was trying to think about like people in my life, but I honestly like don't have anything personally that I know. Do you, do you put personal ones in? So I have some, what I like to call stories from the road where as I meet people, I collect their stories and then I tell them anonymously. Got it. Got it. Got it. So that's what I'm going to do. I have some crazy dating ones if you want me to start there. Actually, before we do that. What? I want to ask your take on this because I saw it a lot when I was, you know, looking up Reddit and TikTok and where to get some of the stories. What is your take on men who follow only Instagram models? I mean, only? What do you mean only? I mean, not only, but a ton. Like, if you're sitting next to him and he's scrolling through, it's like every third photo is a naked woman. I mean, it is what it is. I don't really, like, I wouldn't give a fuck. Really? Yeah, it's equivalent to me, if you were, like, watching porn or something. I don't know how to explain it. Like, I don't think I would be, offended or upset about that. You're just like whatever to it. Yeah, like I'm here. I don't like it. I think if it was what I know I guess different if it's just like a literally like an Instagram model or like a an influencer like I don't really give a fuck They're tossing likes I don't feel I don't see why you need to like it But like I don't care if you follow them, but they're liking everything they post Liking is a little different. I would just big why but why would you follow someone if you weren't gonna like something before me? Like I wouldn't, I wouldn't be, if you were like actively following someone in front of my eyeballs. Yeah. Being like, I want to, like following her, I'd be like, but like, why? Like, I'm just curious. I think it's so fucking weird. Yeah. I think if it's too much, of course we all follow, I was trying to think today if I follow like any sexy male accounts. I don't. I follow actors. Yeah. But I don't follow anyone who's like actively undressed. I think there's like a gray area. There is a gray area. See, this is what I mean. It's like hard to say exactly what the scenario is without being presented. Every case should be different. Yes, I would agree with that. I personally don't think I would love if a majority of what you were following when we were dating and we'd been together for a while now, not just like a month, but let's say a year in, if every other photo is a naked female model or whatever, Instagram model, I think, I don't think I'd like that very much. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I agree with that. If, if it's someone you followed from before, I wouldn't be bothered. If you were following with a reason behind it while we were together, then like, I would, I'd probably just ask why, but I wouldn't like go to the ends of the earth to be like, what the fuck? Okay. Fair enough. What's your take on a man? Cause this just came up on love is blind because Chelsea was screaming at him about it. What's your take on a man who has a bunch of female girlfriends? And has slept with one in the past. I don't think if it's all you only have girlfriends, I think that's fucking weird. You should have more male friends than you do girlfriends. But if it's one of those things where it's like a college friend group or if it's like a high school friend group and you're still friends with them and you slept with them at one point, I don't really care. It was before me. As long as you're not with them now. That's the only thing I love. I'm a girl's girl. So throw me in, put me in coach. I'm off the bench. I'm ready to play. I love when guys have girlfriends because I think that. You need females around you. You can't just surround yourself constantly with men or just with women like you need A balance of both. I agree, but if you only have girlfriends, I think that's weird. Yeah, if you only had girlfriends, that would be so fucking weird. But the amount that that man, from that small clip I saw that, like, spoke about them, I thought that was weird. Like, just, if you have girlfriends, you have girlfriends, like, why do you need to bring it, bring it to attention? So he has slept with one of them before? So? Like, I've slept with, got my guy friends, and I would see them all the time, and if my, if I had a guy that came around and was, like, annoyed about that, I would be, like, Why? That was before, like, before you. I didn't even know you existed yet. Yeah, like, that's the shit that, that's like the nber one pet peeve of mine is when someone who has a significant other who would be, like, upset or, like, disturbed or, like, just, like, irked to be around someone else that you've slept with. But for what? What the fuck is wrong with you? That's, like, a huge pet peeve of mine. Oh, wow. I have a lot of examples of that, actually. But, like, you know what I mean. I think because there's an always If you are insecure about your relationship, I mean, I'm sure it says more about you. I think it's just like a, you think it's just gonna happen again. And like, you're circling temptation. But I don't feel that way. No. Personally. It was before you. Yeah, and it would have to be, in the respect of some people who have done this before, it would have to be a while ago. To your point, if you slept with someone in college, and I'm meeting you now, I'm 33. I'm not harboring something that you did 12 years ago before you even knew I existed. Yeah. But, if you are constantly around a group of girls and you slept with one a year ago, I'd be like, well that, what, I don't know. I don't know. That would make me feel weird. So for me, I hang out with people almost every single weekend that I've slept with. So if I all of a sudden had a boyfriend and he was like, what the fuck, these people that we go out with. You slept with like, what's the problem? I didn't know you. Like, what do you expect me just to be? I think if it was clear, if it's clear, it's platonic. Yes. Fine. But if it, why would it be dating them now? What do you mean? Dude, that's, I don't know. That's just my thought process on it. Yeah. That's fair. That's fair. Clearly it's not a thing. It would have been. Here I am. I've had plenty of time. Nothing has happened. Here I am. And here you are now. So I went out looking for you. okay, would you ever go through someone's phone? Fuck yeah, I would. Didn't even skip a beat. Do you want to know something funny? Now that you're asking me these questions, literally in mind today, I have a quiz that says, are you crazy or not? And I was going to have us both take it. yeah, I absolutely would, but I would never, but I know well enough. That I could never, anything I found, I would have to sit on. I wouldn't say it. Mm. Mm hmm. It would be a mental note. Even if it was, well, oh fuck, I shouldn't say that because if it was really bad. Yeah. Then I would have to tell, I say something. But if it was just kind of like, me being nosy, I would, I would eat it. I would just take it to myself and never say anything. But if I found that you were like, say for example, cheating on me or like, killed somebody, of course I'm bringing that to attention. I love how those are the only two options. Yeah. Or you know, something of that level. Nature, yeah. So. Here's my take on this because I had, I was dating someone who at the time said that that had been a problem in his past and he was upset about it and he was like, it's just really important that I have my privacy and I basically said, okay, don't give me a reason to. Yeah. I have never gone through someone's phone, I do think that's a violation unless because women's intuition is very rarely ever wrong. And if you. If you're looking into their phone, you know what the answer is. I know someone who tried to hire a private eye to get a certain level of evidence to approach their partner and be like, you are cheating on me. And the PI said to them, let me save you the money. If you have to ask me, then you already know the answer. So the moment you open that phone. You have to be ready to see something that your gut is screaming at you to look at. So, I would if it came to the point where it was there. My gut was screaming at me, you were being really sketchy, something ain't right. But I would never do it if I felt like everything was going really well and is fine and dandy. That's fair. I would say that it doesn't come from a place of me being like, obviously, again, if you have a reason and you know, you know the answer, like you just said, but mine would be from being nosy. Like, it wouldn't be from being, like, I would search, have you ever searched your own name in someone's text messages? Because I have. No! Oh, I have. I've never looked through someone's phone, ever in my life. Just to see? Yeah, I'm just curious. What the fuck are you saying about me? I'm just wondering. Colleen! I've never, not ever once in my whole life. I've searched Colleen in like, call before. Did you find anything juicy? You have? You found someone talking shit? Yeah. Are we friends with them still? Yeah. Wow. I'm just nosy. Can't help it. It's my own, it's my own, it's a horrible trait that I have, and I'm just, but I've never said it to the person. I would never. I just know it. Mental note. Mental note. Yeah, so I say I won't. Don't give me a reason to, but if you're sketchy as fuck, Then, then maybe I'll dabble. I have a take that if you are doing something that your significant other found out about and you would be embarrassed or ashamed that they found out, then you probably shouldn't be doing it. And if it, if they picked up your phone and you were texting a girl and it was a friend from work and it's no big deal, then it should be no big deal. Yeah, that's true. But if you're ashamed of it, and then you get defensive about it, some may write. I feel like, you know, when like, you're younger and someone will be like, don't post anything or type anything that you wouldn't want posted in a newspaper. It's like, yeah, I would love to say that right now, but if someone went through my phone. Canceled. Dead. I'm gone. I also don't delete my deck, so like. She also does the disappearing ink thing, or the, what is that? I love. It's such a good for dramatic effect. It's so extra, Colleen. She'll just be like, hey, and it will be that disappearing ink thing. Hi. You need to put in a little extra to hear what I have to say, or read what I have to say, I should say. Oh lord. Okay, so here are a couple of dating stories I have learned from The Road. Nber one, I have a friend. She's beautiful, smart, in an occupation where she makes a lot of money and she's around other people who also make a lot of money. So, they meet, she meets this guy, it's going really well, he's like, come to Vegas with me. I'll pay for everything. Okay. I'll be there for a conference and then we can hang out over the weekend. And spend our time at the hotel, or whatever. I'll just extend the hotel and get you your flights there and back, or whatever. And she's like, great! And so they go for a long weekend. They do Vegas. They go out. They hang by the pool. They do the whole thing. And so on Sunday it's time to go home. Because that's what he said would happen. And so on Sunday, she gets to the airport. She has her ticket, which he gave her a credit card and was like, Hey, use this, which she said to me at the time, she wasn't making a ton of money. So the only reason why she agreed is because he said it would be essentially all expenses paid. And so she takes his credit card and she goes to the airport and they're like, this. Ticket is fraudulent like it's not it's not a ticket like it didn't go through and she's like can you wait one second? And I won't reveal why but she had to get home for like very serious family stuff So was it like oh, I'll just take a later one or she was like I have to get home today Like I have to leave on this flight. So she calls him and she's like, hey, what the fuck? I can't get on the plane because this ticket didn't go through because of the credit card you gave me and he's like oh my god I'm so sorry that's so weird can you hold on one second so he hangs up no and she's sitting there and she's like in a blind panic she was like I don't know what the fuck to do he calls her back and he's like I am so sorry my wife saw the charge and declined it and that's how she found out he was married. No ring, never mentioned kids, never mentioned a wife. Kids?! Multiple, multiple dates, the whole shebang. My wife saw the credit card go through. And when she got the email, she was like, fraud. So he was like, I'm so embarrassed. Here's another credit card book, whatever flight you need to get home. And she goes, you know what I fucking did? I booked a first class ticket home and I never spoke to that motherfucker. And she's fucking chill. Are you kidding? I would've gotten dressed on drink. Uh, mad gin. I would've gone to those wicked expensive stores and bought myself a nice ass bag. Yeah. Imagine the nice ones in the airport. And she was like, it was never even. I had gone multiple dates with him. It was never, it wasn't even a thought on my radar. And he was like, I'm so embarrassed my wife declined. Oh, she's not the first one. Nope. No! And so then we had this whole discussion about whether she, the wife knows. Do we think she was declining it to be like? Oh, I know what the fuck he's up to or because like, oh, that's not true. That's what I mean Are you like? Oh, that's a weird charge But my husband is in Vegas and it would be buying a flight home eventually So that makes sense or she like not a fucking another one fraud bitch Ga fraud Isn't that crazy? That's wild. What would you do? I would die laughing and, and block his nber and take that credit card on a whirlwind and then make sure he didn't have my address or anything because I, like, wouldn't want him to come for me. Yeah. For doing that. For sure. Yeah. I would just confirm that he didn't have any of my personal information or my address because I'd rather not wake up to him standing over my bed in the middle of the night being like, where is my money? Fair. Another one of my friends was dating this guy. She would always see him in her college classes, sitting somewhere in the room. And You know, they start talking one day and they decide to go on a few dates. So all the dates though, he was like, can I come over? Can I come over? Can I come over? And she was always cooking and she was just like, why don't we order out? He was like, no. And so this goes on for three to four times and she's just like, I want to go somewhere that isn't my apartment or my house and I don't want to cook a meal. So let's go out. And he's like, so I am homeless. So turns out. So how did he get in the class this man? You apparently can just walk in on certain campuses. Honestly, that's kind of true But it depends though. Like I feel like if your class is really big hell, yeah, you can sleep. Yeah free education He told her he was auditing the classes And she basically said that he would go to the YMCA and shower and go to and use the gym Okay, and then he lived out of his car so he wouldn't pick her up Because he couldn't show her his car. Okay, but do we think we could use the time that you're sitting in on classes on getting a job? So he doesn't have a home address. Oh, that's fair. And because you don't have a home address, you can't apply to anywhere. Or identification. So she was like, she's the sweetest, and she was like, What I can do is, like, be a referral if you want to get a job down at, like, Home Depot, or She was so nice about it, but she was just like, I don't like liars. And so, they kept talking about it being like, Oh, when so and so dated a homeless guy. And I'm like, in her fucking defense, though, It's not like he came out, he didn't He was a well kept homeless man. Yes. Yeah. We could've all fallen for it. Some people are just charming, okay? People fell for Ted Bundy, you can fall for the homeless man, come on. I took to Reddit for crazy insane breakup stories because I personally don't have anything that wild, which I kind of wish I did. I feel like those are always the best ones, but whatever. record, first thing I saw was just the sentence, I've never had a girlfriend and that is probably going to be the worst story here, period. Oh, okay. Someone commented on it below and was like, you okay? Oh my god. Okay, This one. I was broken up with on the same day that I got my six wisdom teeth taken out. Yes, six teeth. Oh. I couldn't speak because of the gauze and the pain, so I had to write out why along with the rest of the conversation on a freaking piece of paper. Oh my god, that's so cruel. I know. You couldn't wait three days until the person wasn't on drugs and had a mouthful of gauze? What a dick. I know. Why? Yeah, why? Oh no. Horrible. He took advantage of that for sure. Horrible. In high school, I had a boyfriend who was basically the poster boy for Christian school kids. One night he called me at 1am to say, I had a dream that God told me to break up with you. So this is me breaking up with you. It really wasn't very godly of him. If God is speaking to you or Jesus, seek help because the voices are going to start telling you some other stuff too. I'm convinced. I'm almost positive that's not happening. Oh Lord. I just, what would you do? Like for real? I would be like, I just dodged a major fucking bullet. See you fucking later brother. You're the bigger person I'd be like, what else is he telling you? In high school, I was dating this guy who thought I was the coolest. Stop. I already hate it. I hate it. I introduced him to my best friend, and even she approved. Of course, on Valentine's Day, we had a date, but he didn't show up and he didn't call. I was completely broken, crying on my mom's lap all night. Couldn't be me. A couple of days Couldn't be me. Even in high school. A couple of days later he called saying he spent the day with my best friend and they determined that they were supposed to be together. Oh my god. They even got married after high school and are still married to this day. Okay. I have a hot take. Yeah. If it works out I feel better about it. Correct. It's kind, I don't actually, I don't know which, which is worse. But they could have gone about it better. Yeah, of course they could have handled that better. Cause for me, I'm an, if I'm a normal nice person and you really feel as though like that is it for you and then you end up getting married and working out then like, okay. That's beautiful. Yeah, then great. But like you couldn't have. But don't handle it like a dickhead. You couldn't have looped me in. Also like, for me like my mother never came to me and said you don't like fuck your boyfriend your friends man Like, you know, I mean like is this something we need to start teaching in school because it seems to be happening a lot Like we teach you to like say, thank you cross your legs Put your napkin on your laughing your best friend fucking your best friends man's like is that a lesson that needs to be taught? I don't know. I miss that Catholic school. I think yeah for real Okay, he broke up with me two days after Christmas saying I'll always choose my mother over you Eww. Eww. Does that man also get breastfed? Probably. Oh, Jesus. Stop with the incest. It's insane. Stop. Stop trying to fuck your mom. Stop. Your wife isn't your mother. She's your fucking wife. Why does every mother imprint on their sons? It's fucking weird. It's so weird. Oh lord. Woo! Oh god. Okay. When I was 19, I was dating this older guy. We hadn't had the talk agreeing to be exclusive, but I wasn't seeing anyone else and naively assed that he wasn't either. After a few weeks, I wasn't hearing from him as often, and one day I woke up to a voicemail from him. Instead of listening to the message, I just called him back, saying sorry for missing his call. He had no idea what I was talking about and rushed me off the phone. I listened to the voicemail, which was an audio recording of him having sex with another woman. I was devastated, and to avoid further harassment, I To avoid further embarrassment, I just ghosted him. Bigger person. so what would you do in that situation? Cause I know what I would do. I mean, I would obviously forward him the voicemail, and be like, nice knowing ya. I, I mean, I wish she hadn't have called him, or, no, you know what I would have done? I would have just played db the entire time, and then I probably Oh, you would have put him into a trap, so you would have asked him, and then No, I would have just played db the entire time, and then like, had a day to get my shit together, and then broken up with him, and made up like a bunch of reasons as to why that would really make him want to hate himself. That were unrelated to that voicemail. Like, I would completely play db like I never heard it and it didn't exist. Just ruin this man's life. Yeah, I'd be like, sorry, like, small dick. Like, I don't know. I would make up I would come up with things that would really, like, or backhanded compliments that would really have him thinking, and then I would break up with him. So it'd be on my terms. Got it. Got it, got it. I have seen women And men, and people, whoever, ask questions and allow their significant other to lie, to like, catch them in the lie. And be like, so you're not sleeping with anyone else, correct? I'm just making sure I'm getting that right. And they're like, no, I would never, I would never, and then you play the voicemail on speakerphone. And they're like, so what is this? Right, and then you're like, so you're a fucking liar. And then you, because a lot of people need that closure. A lot of people want the other person to admit it and to, to at least apologize. But a lot of times with cheaters, you don't get the closure you think or want. You just get this shit. It will never close. There's movies. You'll never feel better. Movies lie to you. They'll never be, I curse the day you were born. Very rarely does that happen. It's usually just a back and forth that gets more infuriating and the person continues to lie and it's like no we were moving furniture like we weren't fucking and they just continue to lie okay but like the other woman the savagery that's the savagery that is the shit we like to see yeah that's all yep i love when the People getting cheated on and with band together. Yes. Yes. That's a favorite of mine. Allies. Tried to break up with my girlfriend and kick her out of my house. She tr She kicked her foot through my French door. Oh! Cutting herself by accident and then she began to cry. I ended up having to call the police because she went crazy and they gave her an option of going to her mother's house or to jail. She chose jail. I have not seen her since. She chose Portly. Sorry. But also relatable. She chose jail. I mean, listen, if you're jail or your mother jail or your mother jail, jail, jail, Colleen, please come get me. Bail me out. I'll pay you back. I swear I would sit my ass in peace in that cell all night long. Peace is a strong word for jail cell. I mean, quiet. You don't wear shoes. I think it depends on where you go, honey. I don't think you're getting a jail cell all to yourself. I did. Sorry? I didn't sit there for the whole night, though. Sorry? They took away my elastic. My hair elastic. And my shoes. And I had to sit in it. It was cold. When were you in jail? In high school. You were in jail? It was in New Hampshire. When were you in jail? We'll debrief it after. What is happening right now? I told you this and then you were like, oh no, you were P. C. and I was like, no, I wasn't. And your dad came and got you? No, my dad never came and got me. That was a different time. Well, that happened a couple times with my dad, but no. This is a different time. No, my mother literally wouldn't come get me. Wait, I'm so confused. I was in St. Louis, New Hampshire, and they, I think they called my house and, or What did you do? It was for, drinking underage, but it was in my car. So they towed my car and then took us and then arrested us. And there was also, I think, a lot of weed in the car, but I don't smoke weed. But so it was someone's, I don't know. Oh my, you were in fucking jail. And I wasn't 21. So like, they were like, lock him up. Yeah, I was literally in jail. They breathalyzed me through the cell. My mother would be so pissed at me for saying this right now. Yeah, they had to go get my car. It was like a whole thing. Oh my god. She wouldn't come get me. I have never known that. She was like, that sucks. Like, literally wouldn't come get me. But I also tried calling her before they handcuffed me. tried calling her. I can't believe you were handcuffed and I, yeah, I was handcuffed back to back with my friend Kylie. we were put in a paddy wagon. I swear, I swear. And, it was so funny, honestly. And of course I cried and Kai was like, stop crying. But I tried calling my mom before they put the second handcuff on just to be like, so she at least heard it from me and like, not. So you had one hand in a handcuff. And yeah, I called my mom and I was like, hi. she's like, what's up? I'm like, you might have to come get me. And she's like, what do you mean? Where are you? And I was like, Salem, New Hampshire police station. Uh, and she's like, are you? And then I think she had called. Like a mom of someone else I knew, she knew I was with. Yeah. And she called me back and was like, Are you getting arrested? And I was like, No, no, no, no. But like, you just might have to come pick me up here. And then I think I hung up and then I, it's all very, it's all a blur. But. I will say my mother did tell me if I ever get arrested I should rot. I rotted. I rotted. I had to go home with another. Speaking of rotting, Leigh Anne. Different kind of rot. But I remember it being a very dark cold day. Wow, how long were you there? Uh, probably a couple hours. Nothing crazy. Who picked you up? they somehow, oh I heard them having a conversation. I don't fucking know this story. They didn't press charges or like move forward with it because they, I literally heard the officer be like, I really don't feel like filling out this paperwork for these kids right now. Like, I don't care. And so, I swear to God, like I have a mugshot somewhere. They took my picture. I've never been able to find it. Colleen, I beg of you. I've tried everything. I beg of you. We have to, somebody, somebody who listens to this podcast can find it for us. I want it on a poster on the wall. I was crying. No, I was crying. It needs to be the middle of this podcast room. Lindsay Lohan style. Oh my god! Yeah, I was crying in it. Oh, you poor thing. You were probably scared. So upset. I know. It was fucking Rubinoff too. It was underneath my driver's seat. I wasn't even drinking. Oh yeah. I wasn't even, I wasn't even drinking it either. Was it a certain flavor? Uh, raspberry. Mm mm-Hmm. That was my go-to as well. but yeah, sat there without, without shoes. Sweet Baby Colleen Shoeless and Jail. But I was thinking though, I know we had this conversation, I told you and I think you were like, oh no, like you were pc and I was like, I just didn't have the, to be like, no, I wasn't wrestling. Like I just, you know, I think because I. I just thought I had heard, I was like, Oh yeah, I know this one, you're a PC, didn't you? And you were like, But I didn't fight for it. I didn't fight you on that one. I was like, that was a different time. Colleen. The fact that we're still learning new things about each other is actually quite wild. Yeah, I agree with that. I completely agree. You said something the other day that I was like, I legit didn't know that. And I was shook that I didn't know it, but I didn't want to know. Yeah, I can't remember. It was the last time I saw you. You said something that I was like, what? It's like my middle name or something. It was like, what? Something super basic. No, I know I pretended to be you. Of course I know your middle name. Oh, that's true. You did have my ID. Allegedly. Allegedly. And I got taken away. Allegedly. Allegedly. Wow. Uh, I'm so glad we went down that rabbit hole. What a time to be alive. Okay, I have a couple more over here. Okay, cool So this one girl goes on a date and she leaves and she said it was a first date He said we were going berry picking so she's like, I think we're going to like a cute farmers market farm situation She had you know, cute white pants on and a big floppy hat and just looked very very cute and chic Farmer girl here for it This person is from Canada and he took her to the wilderness. Ew. And they were essentially on a ski slope without the snow because it was like smer or fall time. Oh, okay, yeah. So they were walking uphill this massive slope. You know what it's giving? What? Mutt and Alexis from Schitt's Creek. Yes. Okay. 100%. And what comes out but a full ass bear? Full bear with its cubs. With the whole squad. The squad. It's a mama bear. And she said. He basically was like, don't move. And so they were completely frozen, and then there was like a bunch of, I don't know what bear, don't come for me, I don't remember the bear, I'm not from Canada, I don't know Dorsey things, okay, back up off me. They somehow were able to move very slowly into the thorns, and the mama bear slowly approached, but as they backed up slower, The mama bear basically wanted to protect her cubs. She wasn't trying to kill them. She was just like, on guard, trying to protect the fam. But that meant they had to sprint through thorns to get away from a whole ass bear. And they come out on the other side, and she's in tatters. Like, it sliced all of her clothes. Her face was bleeding. And he was like, do you want to go get a drink? And she was like, no. No, I don't and she said when she walked back into her apartment with her roommates, like picture what she looked like when she left In comparison to how she probably looked. And she came back and they were like, what the fuck happened to you? Like do we call the police? Like no, you just don't go to a bear's territory on a first date for picking fucking berries I bet he learned his lesson. Do that at the grocery store if you must. Who the fuck wants to pick berries? I don't know. I don't know. This is probably my favorite first date story of all time. Okay. She meets this guy, I think on Tinder. And because Tinder isn't really a thing here, I mean it is, but it's like for hookups, right? Oh, yeah. Abroad, it is the one and only. Like, people aren't really using Bble. If you leave the country, it's usually Tinder. Unless you're gay. My gay friend Brennan told me that Grindr is the Tinder in Tinders for, like, love. And he's like, so it's so I got an ass backwards. So he's like, it's so weird to hear you guys shit on Tinder because if you're gay and you're on Tinder, you're like, oh, you're trying to find love. How sweet. Interesting. Like, very interesting. Not my experience, personally. So she says she meets this guy, and she's from a rural part of Canada, and they decide to like, go to the beach, to like, walk along the beach, and when she shows up, he's in cowboy boots, because he was like, oh, you're from X, Y, and Z in Canada. I bet you would, I thought you would appreciate this. Okay. Okay. Even like, if someone's from Kentucky, you would just show up in cowboy boots because you're like, Oh, you're from Kentucky. You get cowboy boots. I'm trying to impress you, question mark? And she was just like, never. That doesn't resonate with me, but I guess I love the thought. The thought? So they start walking. He can't walk in the sand because he's in fucking cowboy boots. Not, not, didn't think that one through. And he's being really awkward. He like won't look her in the eye. They sit down to have a conversation. He's just being really uncomfortable. So they keep walking. and they come across a dr circle. It's like happening on the beach, there are performers, and there are little, just work with me here, there are little like half tree stps people can sit on kind of thing, like little benches in the sand. And there's no, it's full, and there's like families and children and all, you know, other people on dates and just randos walking around the beach sitting and watching the dr circle. And she said it was so packed, or it was so busy that, She sat on one and he sat on the log behind her because there was no place for two people to sit next to each other. Okay. Okay. That's important. He's behind her. So she's watching the dr circle and she's like, out of nowhere, I just feel a breeze go by me. This man is ass naked running into the ocean. What do you mean? For what? Why? The ocean was calling to him, Colleen. Are you shitting me? I'm dead serious. Is he? Does he have schizophrenia? Ass naked. And then, the worst part is not even the beginning, or it actually might be, which I'll get to in a second. One of the worst parts of this is you have to get up and walk back. There's families. Children. Drmers. Ass naked. And she was like, and it was not pretty. I'm not like, ooh, man on the beach. It was like, what have you done? What have you done? And he walked back and he said, the ocean was calling to me. So we called him the naked cowboy, obviously. Yeah. But think of, okay. So like she's sitting in front, think of the people sitting next to him who had to watch him undress. She can't see any of that. She's just seeing the end. Those people are going to need therapy. Imagine watching this man Take out his whole ass dick. Just like, family style. Trp circle. Did he just, I wonder, also like, very important is like, did he like, hold it? Think about this. No, he ran full speed, Colleen. If you were gonna run full speed, I know for a fact you'd do the same thing as me. I would hold my boobs, right, and run. Do men do that with their dicks? Are we just letting it, windshield wiper, windshield wiper in the wind, like, or do you hold it? It's bopping up and down. It's giving the bobblehead in the car. I mean, I guess it depends on how big it is, because a lot of women run and don't hold their breasts. They just have smaller breasts. Yeah, I guess. So maybe it's like the size of the man's dick? Would that not hurt? The balls would be clanging. I don't know. Can a man tell us, if you run full speed with no clothes on, does your I have so many technical questions. Twigs and berries hurt. I have another question. But also, why would you jp in the water? Have you ever heard of shrinkage? If you're trying to impress, that is not the space you want to do that in. No. Does it really, like, go inverted when it's cold water? It doesn't invert, like, into their body. It just has shrinkage. It just sucks up into their body. It folds up. It's like a folding table. It just folds in half and sucks up. Blow up mess. It's like a deflating blow up mattress. Colleen, get out of here. No, but I have a genuine question. Okay, about a dick? Yeah, and I Because I don't have the answers for you. No, you don't. No, I think I've asked this before in front of Mel, and I still have not gotten my proper answer. Oh, actually, sidebar, did I ever tell you about the time that Erin genuinely looked at a guy we went to college with? Oh, God. What? Just goes, what do you do with your dick when you shit? Just says that out loud. Doesn't it just hang? That's what he said, but she was like, I don't know if you like held it, but just out of, like, so taken aback. Like, what do you do with your boobs when you shit? I mean, that's not, they're not down there. But it's all the, it's all front hanging. Your dick is down there. I know, but they're not. Like if it's big enough, does it dip in the water? Like I have to pop it out. What do you mean? Then you hold it. The, it doesn't dip in the water like a candlestick. Like, you know what I mean? No, they obviously pull it outside of the toilet. It's not laying in the toilet. So it just sits there on the toilet bowl? No, like, probably sits on their leg. I have so many, so many questions. See, so it doesn't hang. See? So many questions. No, but it just, it wouldn't hang down unless you wanted it to. I just have so many technical questions. We need to get a man in here. But I just thought it was funny that Erin asked that, like, so typical Erin. Your original question. My original question was, when you're wearing, like, say a guy's wearing like a tight pair of Levi's, right? Yeah. Do they, where does it go? Do you put it into one of your legs? Yeah. Okay. So it doesn't go up or down? Unless you're that fucking creepy ass guy, and I won't say his name from high school, would always tell women that he had an infected belly button and it was the tip of his penis and he would put it up his pants and he would hold his shirt of him and be like, I have an infected belly button. It was always the tip of his tick because he was a creep. He was on the hockey team. That's a fucking predator. That's correct. That's a predator before predators were a thing. I think that's assault. Or it's something weird like that. That's indecent exposure. Exposure. Exposure. For sure. Yeah, that happened to me when I was a freshman. I never could forget it. I had nightmares about it. That is, no, that's actually the weirdest thing I've ever heard. Like, I'm not even kidding. I saw some weird shit in high school. That's fucking weird. That's not normal. No, I'm aware of that. Wait, so we didn't let this slide? It's so weird. No, I just, I was a freshman. He was a senior hockey player. And you just were looking at the tip of his dick, winking at you? No, he said, I have an infected belly button. And he would just hold up his shirt and all the guys would laugh. And I was just like, it like took me a whole ass minute to figure out. What was happening and then I just let it go. Where is he now? I must know. I hope in that fiery pits of hell. Aaron would know. My sister would know, yeah. Oh, man. But yeah, I didn't know if you tucked it. I know you don't tuck it up your ass, but I don't know if you flipped it up. Is that uncomfortable? Do you put it to the side? I think you put it down one of the legs. Okay, thanks. Men? Men, reveal yourself. Men, put it in the comments. Tell us your secrets. Where did we tuck the dick? Put You know the whole thing about, like, does it float if they're in the bathtub? No. Also, our family's gonna be so horrified. Yeah, well, if you're related to us, you know the drill by now. But when they're laying in the tub Why do men lay in tubs? Like, if I saw a man in a tub, I'd get the immediate ick, and I would divorce him, break up with him, leave. What are you talking about? A bath? Men take tubs? Yes. That's disgusting. Baths, Colleen. Tubbies? Tubs for children. No, but if a man's in the bath, does it float? I have no idea what that means. Like, if they're on their back. Right? Oh, are you asking me? Do we think it floats? I'm not asking you I'm just saying it's an ongoing question females have of does it float? I feel like it does cuz your boobs float I do too. Okay, cool. I feel I feel that way as well. Anyway, so I have a Combo story to tell you. Okay, so this person that I met She was engaged, and when I met her, she didn't have an engagement ring on, so I was like, huh. And one day we were talking about cults, and, uh, because, me, of course, right, I'm like, what's your favorite cult? So we have this whole conversation about true crime, and cults, and all this stuff, and we were just like, trading back, you know, what's your favorite docentary, whatever. A couple weeks go by and she tells this story about how she went skydiving because everyone was trying to plan a skydiving trip and she was like, Oh, I have only been one time and I probably will never do it again because when I went, I went with my boyfriend at the time and we went up and he went first and then I went. And trigger warning, this gets very gross, so if you get icked out, skip ahead for a hot second. And she jps, and she's like, I don't feel good. And the guy strapped to her back is like, no, no, no, that's totally normal, just look at the horizon. Don't worry about it. And she pukes, and it flies back in her face and in his. And she said they rode in silence to the ground, covered in her vomit. And when she gets to the ground, her boyfriend is there. Proposes to her. Oh, no. And she's like, seriously, not right now. That's actually a really funny story, though. Like, that's hilarious. So So, she tells that story and we're all dying laughing. And so, again, some time goes by. Maybe don't eat before you skydive, though. I don't think she ate. I think it was just like, uh, Nervous? No, I think it's probably a velocity thing, like your body's not meant to drop like that. Like, I just don't think it sits with people well, in the same way you don't like roller coasters. Like, I think some people would go on a roller coaster and immediately puke from like the motion or something. I don't fucking know. I said to her, you said you were engaged, but you're also not, so I'm curious how we got from A to B. I asked it much nicer than that, and we were really good friends by this time. And she was like, oh, well, it's funny you should mention it. This is why I'm obsessed with Colts. This same guy, right? Oh, Jesus Christ. So they're engaged. They're planning their wedding. They've been together for over a year. And he starts saying weird little things like well, you'll do what I say because I'm the man of the house. And well, like what I say, what I say goes, or I have the final say, or just like these weird things. And she said up to that point, he had never done shit like that. He had never, he not even mentioned something even remotely close to it. So she finally says like, what the fuck is your problem? Why do you keep saying all of this like man of the house bullshit? Because it's not going to fly. So like, what is your problem? And he is like, I have something to tell you. And he calls his father and she has met his parents and she said his mom was really quiet and weird and his dad was fucking weird and he puts the dad on the phone and gives her the phone like talk to my daddy I can't tell you it has to come from him and the dad says my son is the prophet of Jesus Christ and he speaks directly to Jesus and he he is going to help people become perfect han beings. And she said, I laughed out loud. And he explains this whole thing about how they tried to start a church on their grounds and how it hasn't worked out in the past and he is going to enlighten the people and they're gonna start their own thing and she's about to be like a prophetess, I guess. And she got off the phone and she looked at him and she said, Do you believe this and he said yeah, and she goes why I can't do this. It's over And so she packed up all her shit. He didn't ever gave one inkling not one. That is the strangest thing I've ever heard and she said as I was walking out the door I went to go give him back the ring and he said keep it You'll come crawling back to me when you realize you're wrong and I'm actually a prophet and that was Years ago and she still has the ring Good for her. And she has never spoken to him again. That's How fucking crazy is that? Especially if that's like your whole life. Like how do you just like Yep. You live together, you're engaged, your families are The whole shebang. I would need a deeper explanation than just than just like cut and dry Sia. I would need like a whole I guess they, uh, had it. I guess they had this whole conversation about, like, what the church meant and what he was hearing or whatever. And she was like, get the fuck out of here. Like, no. And you also have to have known that that would ruffle some feathers if you're like, I have to tell you. Like, you know what I mean? Like, you're holding it back. In the way, the way he went about it, too, of, like, calling his dad and having the dad deliver the news as if, Coming from his father. It would be like a value. Yeah, it just the whole thing was so fucking weird. And she was like, daddy. And ever since I've been really interested in Colton, like how they get people and how and I said, Well, we do a bunch of episodes on it on the podcast. And yeah, damn. Isn't that fucking crazy? That's wild. Yeah. Also, like, where do people get this very Mother God also, like, where do they get this God complex that they think that they are the one and they must? I don't know, but I hate it. It's fucking weird. You can tell they didn't take the bus to school. That's for sure. I didn't either. You didn't take the bus? No. Never. How are you so tough? I'm not tough. You're tough. No, I'm not. I'm so frail. I cry when authority figures even like look at me wrong. But I'm like, but you know what I mean? Like our cousins can give you a hard time and you don't fall into a puddle. Yeah, that's true. But like, that was because you guys did that to me as a child, I think. That's what I mean. It's character building. That's true. You're right. You're right. You didn't take the bus and it shows, people. You didn't have boy cousins. Find yourself a boy cousin. No, I made my mom drive me. I was a wench. You know what? That actually makes way more sense. Okay. You can do one, then I'll do one. Okay. So I had a friend in college who was dating a girl who had progressively gotten weirder and weirder. I, just straight up, thank you so much. I knew the guy for three years and near the end of the second year she had begun to hang out with us. We had a few classes together and she would occasionally wait outside the class for us and occasionally try to peek through the windows and occasionally write things on them. And occasionally, straight up interrupt the professor by saying and doing things outside the windows of the classes. No. No, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, period. Not crazy at all. Yeah, what? Well, around this time, he finally realized that he had found himself a certifiably crazy whack job. The only problem was that he followed his dick around like the needle on a magnetic compass. And since this girl Like, I just love this man. That's such a good, uh, description. And since this girl would sleep with him, he never bothered to try to break it off. Until I get this frantic call in the middle of the night. The following is more or less of what happened. The following. Friend, fuck dude, something bad happened. Me, what? It's 2am and I was sleeping. Friend. She's pregnant, man. I fucking got her pregnant. Me. Why? How? Are you stupid? Note, I was, I was and still am happily married, so the idea of having a baby wasn't absurd to me. I have one, another one on the way, but I, but him having one with her, yeah, no. Oh my god. Him. I don't know, man. We've been using condoms and everything, but I guess they still fail sometimes, question mark? We've never had one break. Whatever. They go on and on, but I'm just, I'm skipping this part. he says, well, at this point, there's nothing much I can do. I go back to sleep. Fast forward through the week. I don't see him or her at all. He actually missed an exam. It was one of those take it now or the final, the Or the final counts more, so I wasn't terribly worried about him yet. Finally, I hear from him again, and it turns out that she's not really pregnant, and she got her period, blah, blah, blah. Okay. Skip forward another few days. For some reason, they are still together. Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, wait, I remember the reason. Sex. Ah, to be young and so db. So I was at his place because we were studying for an upcoming quiz, and he asked me to look at something. I initially thought it was going to be a picture of a dick or some stupid prank, so I was a little cautious at first. An infected belly button. Or that. He shows me a condom at this point I'm like 99 percent sure that this is some kind of prank He asked me to take a really close look at it and sure enough. No, I can see several infinitely small holes in it Oh no, girlfriend. Curious, we examined the remainder of the condoms in the pack that he kept in the nightstand. Almost every single one had at least one or two holes cleaned through them. Oh my god, get out of there. Turns out crazy girlfriend really wanted to get pregnant and she really wanted to lock down my buddy. She had heard some story from one of the local radio stations about a lady poking holes in condoms to get pregnant and so apparently she'd been doing that for a month or two. She thought she struck gold a week or so ago, but apparently she was just late or something. He literally broke up with her on the phone right there and moved all of her stuff outside and we proceeded to get a new lock put on his apartment. If you're dating someone that you know that if you broke up with you need to change your locks like that's, that's, that's enough. Yeah, I always say that about If you say to a friend, if anything happens to me, so and so did it, get the fuck out you shouldn't even have an inkling. If you have that, if that is your instinct, leave. Immediately. Run. Done, right? Nope. No way. Stop. We had a class together that let out at 7. 50pm. We'd usually park in the same lot and shoot the shit on the way out of class. He scored a better spot than me and was then much closer to the front than I was. From a good distance off, maybe 200 feet, we could see that something was seriously wrong with his car. The windshield was smashed. Once we got closer, we could see a hole clean through it. The windshield, not a window. The actual windshield in the hole in the hole was placed a terrifyingly accurate voodoo doll It had his hair on it and everything What the fuck is happening right now? It had his hair on it. No, so she had to have cut his hair No, I hate this so much Seek There wasn't anything else left with it. So when he called the cops, they basically couldn't do much. Her fingerprints were rightfully so all over the car, so that wouldn't prove anything. And they told us that since he had insurance, it wouldn't cost him anything to fix, which was correct. We reported her to the university police, and it turns out that she wasn't a student. What was she? If you tell me, what was she? Anymore at least. She had been a student 10 years ago and had been lying to my buddy about her age. We were in our very early 20s and she had been saying she was well. I was as well, but she was 31. She had been kicked out of the school several years back for trying to blackmail a professor into passing her. Oh my girl. I never saw her again and I don't know if my friend ever did either, but I do know that he kept that voodoo doll and hung it from his rearview mirror once he got it back from the cops. I mean, I guess having a great sense of hor about it helps. Because like, what the fuck? You almost impregnated a fucking crazy person and then she has a voodoo doll with your hair on it and also she's not even a whole ass student. Some people should not procreate. That's like you lurking at curry. Yeah, that's fucking weird. In trying to sleep with students. That's so weird. Mental illness. Yeah, for fucking sake. Jesus. Oh my god, and last one was just this one sentence. Oh boy. She had a friend text me that she was breaking up with me. At a Justin Bieber concert. That's it. You would do that. You would a hundred percent do that. The Justin Bieber concert really got me. What about his music inspired you to break up with your boyfriend in that moment? You know, One Less Lonely Girl really had you going. I was gonna say, One Less Lonely So I found this one on Tik Tok. It's from a woman named Lauren Bert with two T's and I have, I had no idea where this story was going next. So she goes like this, I was dating this guy who broke up with me after we were dating for two months. He loved taking baths. I don't know why that's come up so many times. That's disgusting. He loved taking baths, so when I gave him his, a box of his stuff back, I put a glitter bath bomb in the box and took the label off so he couldn't read it, and he kept texting me how pissed he was that he had to go to work with glitter all over him, and I just kept responding by sending him pictures of Edward from Twilight, and then I put a whole thing of glitter all over his gravel driveway so every time he would come home he would track it into the house. And then I put his nber into an e health website for health insurance quotes and he probably got about 200 phone calls. That's the best. And then I decorated his house with happy birthday banners because he forgot to call me on my birthday and now we're married and having a baby. Men love crazy. I don't understand it. No, they love crazy. And I love this woman for getting on TikTok and having such a good sense of hor about it. Crazy. That's crazy. The bat, the bat bomb thing with the Edward from Twilight is fucking hilarious. That's the funniest thing I've ever heard. So yeah. Yeah, no, men love crazy. Yeah, that's fucking crazy to me. So is that our key? Should we start being absolutely, certifiably insane and then maybe men will be attracted to us? Nope. Okay, cool. Men are attracted to us, Colleen. Uh, where are they? Sorry, I don't know about you, but I won't make that for you. Let's do that quiz you have, the Are You Crazy quiz. Okay. Your boyfriend's phone shows that he has a missed call from a girl you don't know. How do you react? I wouldn't bring it up until I continuously saw her name on his phone. Casually ask who she is next time I speak to him. I'd call her back myself and find out who it is. Or I'd probably go on his friends list and stalk her profile so I know how they know each other. I think I'd do the first one. Like not bring it up unless it keeps happening. I'd be like noted. Wait, what did you, what are you gonna say? Stronger profile. Yeah, obviously. I can figure out who she is. Why wait for him? Your boyfriend asks your permission to go to prom with a long time friend from another school as a favor to her, but they're just friends. You know that, you know that you and him will go to prom together the following weekend anyway, so what's your response? Prom? This is literally for 18 year olds. Yeah, okay. Okay, you're gonna go to prom anyway. Think about this as like a, think of it as a professional gala. Got it. Okay. Why can't she go with another friend from her own school? Or, I don't know why you even asked me that. Of course not. Prom is meant for your girlfriend only. Next one. Take the slut to prom. Do whatever you want. I don't even care anymore. Or, that's fine. As long as you clarify to her that we're only, that you're only there as friends. I mean, you know which one I'm going to say, but you already rolled your eyes, like, you know. Is it the last one? Yeah. Okay, fine. How do you act when your boyfriend goes out with his friends? I text him throughout so I know exactly what he's doing. I insist on going with him. First I ask who he's going with and where he'll be. Then I check social media to make sure the information is accurate. I let him go because he deserves some time away. We know the answer for you. No, no, I would say somewhere in the middle. Like I would definitely ask, like, who are you going with? Where are you guys going? I would definitely text him and be like, hope you're having fun. I wouldn't be like, I'm somewhere in the middle of those. I picked the, I text him just to see what he's up to. Okay, great. Your boyfriend leaves his phone on the table while he's in the shower. What do you do? I won't look through it because that's wrong and I trust him. I'd only look at it if he gets a text and it shows the message on the screen. If a girl texts him who I don't know, I'll be too curious not to open the message. might as well look through his calls and messages because I deserve to know. You're definitely the last one. What are you going to choose? I would look, if the actual text popped up, I think I would look at it. Okay, I don't look at it if it gets a text and it shows a message on the screen. Yeah, I feel less horrible about that for whatever reason. If your boyfriend likes an attractive girl's selfie on Instagram, how do you feel about it? That's why I was, I remembered when you said it earlier, I have something. jealous because she's probably prettier. Angry because he shouldn't be liking girls photos with their boobs hanging out. Whatever. There's not a good enough reason to accuse him of cheating and I already hate that girl. They're all not great. Maybe this one? That's not a good enough reason to accuse him of cheating. Yeah, I think the whatever one. Okay. You and your boyfriend are taking a walk and he runs into a girl he used to know a long time ago. How would you interact with her? This one's db actually. Bitterly say hi and then make up fake excuses to why you need to go. Oh my god. I'd give her a dirty look and introduce myself as his girlfriend, shake her hand, fake a smile and pick out her flaws to make myself feel better. I hate all of these. Or introduce myself nicely and make small talk. Yeah, a fucking forest or a grown ass woman. I think that's the last one. You don't have to put someone down. Nope, you're a sane girlfriend. Thanks. From what I've seen, you come off as most normal, the most normal of all girlfriends. You aren't full of jealousy and you seem to trust him enough to let him do his own things, which is great. That's great. That's because no one has fucked me over yet. I do understand women who have been cheated on and then their next relationship they're on guard. I get it. That's fair. I wonder what mine would say at the end. I'm just going to put them in real quick. I'm a sane one too! Look at us. That's all. Sane. We're perfect. Okay, I have just a few brief things that happened at weddings, which, I feel like weddings just bring out the worst in people sometimes, so like the absolute crazies come out of the crevices for weddings. A hundred percent. So let's get into it. My significant other's parents witnessed this at a traditional Irish wedding. The groom held a toast, thanking the best man for doing so much for him and anything he asked for, and ended with, I don't remember asking you to fuck my wife. And walked out. Turns out, it was true as well. Oh! Oh! What the fuck? Isn't that so savagery? That is To purposely do it in front of all those people? That's the best way to spread gossip. You don't have to. Everyone's in the same fucking room. And then you can just bounce. Yeah. It's giving 27 dresses when she does it to her sister. Watch that yesterday. Mm hmm. When she does the, the speech. Yeah. And she's like, Oh, how you love to be a vegetarian. She's like sucking down a rib. Cheers to what's her name in George. What the fuck is her sister's name? Cheers to Tess. Tess. Tess in George. When she cuts. Tess. Tess. Up her mother's motherfucking dress and she comes out, the look on her face, I could have stabbed that girl. No, a hundred percent. She was so annoying. The worst. But yeah, it all worked out in the end. But that's what it reminds me of is the rehearsal dinner when she does that speech. But that is, I mean, that's wedding day. That is like You held off. Oh my. The rage. Yeah. Okay. Not my story, but my friend's. And it actually was at her cousin's wedding reception. When the guests sat down at the tables, everyone had an envelope on a plate with pictures of the bride in a very compromising situation with the best man. The bride cheated on the groom. Both when they were dating and when they were engaged. And, which he found out shortly before the wedding. The groom had no mercy, and I respect that. Okay. Same thing. He probably held off and said, You know what, I'm gonna do this, and embarrass, and, you know, call her out to the whole squad. Okay, but here's the thing. Why get married? For both of them. If you've already paid for it, see it through. That's my thoughts. Those are my thoughts. Okay, but there is time to get some of that back. Who knows, he could have found out a week before. I know, he could have found out the day before, but I also mean for her. If you actively want to sleep with other people, then you're either not happy or you're not with the right person. Isn't the whole point to be with someone where you don't want to be with anyone else? Isn't that kind of the whole thing? A question in your bones. Why get married? Why put in I'm speaking as someone who has been in many weddings and spent thousands and thousands and have done the Destination Bachelorettes and the Destination Weddings. I have seen people get divorced and I'm like, why did you make me spend that much money? If you are actively cheating the whole time, why did you make me spend that kind of money? Dick wads. Do you know what I mean? I agree. Like, you just don't get married. It's quite simple. There's a door nber two where you just don't. As a third party who just is not involved in this event, savagery. If I was there, I'd be pissed. Oh my god. Imagine being at that table. I would definitely giggle and be like, holy shit, and I'd probably post it and be like, a T, but also like, wouldn't be annoyed if I spent a lot of money on it. So I hear you. Yeah. would killed to be at that wedding, honestly. That's fair. Everyone wants to be a part of it and not in it. Like, you want to be further enough away from it where it doesn't affect you, but you want to be close enough where you understand all of the And you have a story to tell people, like, of course. Give me a glass of wine, I'll tell you everything. Okay. Don't tell her any secrets, anyone. She can't hold it together. Okay, the bride's older brother gave a speech where he talked about how he changed her diaper when she was a baby. He then told the groom that because of this, he saw her first. Stop the incest! Please, I beg of you. That is so grotesque. Isn't that so fucking foul? That's so grotesque. So many different levels. I have the ick on so what was the reaction? Was there a gasp? Was it like this is on brand for them? What did the groom do? Oh, I have so what I would not give to be that videographer. My good lord. Okay. I was a photographer at a gorgeous high dollar wedding. Bride and groom were both young and extremely attractive. But during the reception, the groom got increasingly drunk, and at one point, he and his best man were absolutely grinding on the dance floor, their faces barely an inch apart, looking like they were about to kiss and not even trying to hide it. I happened to be talking to the bride when she spotted it, and she just giggled, saying, Gosh, those two are so silly together. Less than two months later, she called to say she'd no longer need the alb and was wondering if I'd give her a partial refund. Turns out, after all, she got the groom and the best man having sex in their bed. Not so silly after all, I suppose. Oh no, that's sad. She knew. I hate cheating. Nope, she knew. I freaking hate cheating. She had to have known. Every, how do you not know? Because I think some people put the blinders on like to your point where you always say ignorance is bliss There's no way you want to believe so badly what your reality is you Ignore some pretty glaring red flags. Yeah, that's true. That's fair priest was asking the groom if his new bride and his mother, who was seated in the first row, were both drowning in a river and he could only save one, who would he save? No. And the priest refused to proceed with the ceremony until a choice was made. No, that priest needs to be fired. I love it. What did he say? I don't know. He doesn't say what he said? No, I'm assing they probably were just like, I'm not answering that, and like, please proceed. But like, make this a regular thing. It's hilarious. And you answer, and then you're like, oh, and now you're a piece of bread. Oh, you can't win. You sincerely cannot win in that scenario. Okay. My mother in the middle of the reception proceeded to tell people I married the wrong person and named who I should have married. And yes, they were a guest. Why is that something someone in our family would do? A hundred percent. And why would it be my mother? I know. It would be mine too. They would be talking to each other. Oh my God. I was not at this wedding, but I have friends who are at a wedding where. Actively, at most tables, they were taking bets on how quick the couple would divorce. Jesus Christ. I'm sorry, I will die on the hill, if I would rather be single until I'm 52 than get married with people placing bets, now this girl is such a bitch and such a bully and a bitch. I would rather die than be that person. Yeah. Then to have people actively betting on when the marriage they just watch happen would fail. Like, what are we doing here? Better be the girl who's weirdly old and single than be the girl where you're like, why the fuck are they together? I couldn't agree more. Now, buckle up, okay? Sure. This is the last one I have. It's long. Oh, I'm ready. I'm ready. Okay. Okay, it's called A Crappy Day. That's all you need to know, okay? Yeah. I work as an event planner. It was the wedding of two fairly wealthy families and the bride had decided on a rather rural, shabby, chic aesthetic. The reception, she decided, would take place on family property in a historic barn. As a result, this caused a huge flurry of issues between having to have the barn cleaned, the fact that we needed auxiliary tents as the barn wasn't large enough, and the fact that the property lacked electricity and running water. Okay, I mean, what are we doing here? Everybody get a grip. She needs her shabby chic aesthetic. Stop. Stop. Get out of here. The latter was solved with a bank of generators, tubs of water for catering, and a side tent with Port A John's hidden inside. I hate where this is going, and now I understand the caption, and I hate it. No, you think that, but you don't know. Oh god, no. The bride had, to be honest, been quite a bridezilla, but it's my job to deal with all those things. It all changed. It's the next section. That's what it's called. At this point, the ceremony is over, cocktail hour is shutting down, professional photos are going on. We were prepping to transition to the entrance of the bridal party, which would be followed immediately by first dance and cake cutting. During this, the dinner would be staged, so every aspect was being fairly carefully timed out. I was speaking to the caterer when I happened to glance over and see the most curious blend of expressions pass over the bride's face, and she frantically waved down my assistant. A few moments later, My headset beeped on and my assistant said, we have an issue. To clarify, it turns out that the bride had gambled on a fart and lost in a big way. Now, it gets so much worse. Now, the bride was wearing a huge full ballgown with a fitted bone strapless top in a sort of an embellished mesh. Okay, so she's, Strapped up. Underneath, she had a shaper garment in hoops and slips. Do you know what I'm talking about? Yeah. No, no, no. Big, big. She's got equipment. She has equipment. But it's covered. No one will. Oh, sorry. We had already realized there was zero way of her going to the bathroom. Previously. So, like, they had already, like, thought about that, whatever. For instance, we had issues getting her into a limo and having her use port a johns meant one of us would have to get very personal with her. Oh my god, no. That was my assistant's job. No, Colleen. As a result, I radioed to everyone to expect a 15 minute delay as they headed towards the tent. 15 minutes pass, then 20. Finally, my earpiece beeps on. The previous issue is more than we anticipated. I ran over to find my assistant looking horrified. The bride, it turns out, had been using some health shakes in an attempt to fix last minute bloating. This had mixed poorly with the cocktails from earlier, and she had eaten a fairly decent breakfast. The substance that had come out of her body No, no. Trigger warning. Skip ahead. Skip ahead. The way this woman writes this. Kills me. Okay. The substance that had come out of her body as a result defied explanation. It was slimy, oily. It was the consistency of hair gel. Not only had it been a rather profound accident, but the smell was unrivaled. Generally, a substance no han body should admit. I want to die. This is every person's worst fucking nightmare. But, there's a but, but the thing that set it over the edge was that the Shaper the Bride wore was a latex deal that came over the thighs and up to her bra. Waterproof. Everything just sort of filled it, like a water balloon. So it just spread instead of Oh my god. Oh my god. Put her in a tub and cut her out of that dress. That's your only option. My assistant had opened up the snap crotch and just released the evil trickling down the bride's thighs. Aha! Colleen, this is the most disgusting story I've ever heard, and that's saying something for this podcast. Isn't this fucked up? Yes! It is! But also, if you think about it though, like, imagine you're paying all this money for these two people to help you with literally everything, like, and you literally can't. Also, where are your bridesmaids? Where are your bridesmaids? Those are something your friends your whole life help you with. Well, I think at this point they've already gone. Like through the because they do the bridal party announcement. Yeah Well, you better have a fucking backup dress girlfriend cuz you're getting into it after you take a nice long shower My assistant quickly sealed it back up. Ew, that girl She and the bride tried to wipe up everything this just spread it around so they gave up Next section. It was a crisis. Oh my god. Now I have a shell shocked No, this woman is a writer, okay? She tells the story beautifully. Now I have a shell shocked assistant and a crying bride. Also, you can smell her four feet away. The bride is just flipping out that she's making her guests wait and that she has a choreographed dance waiting to happen and she needs to be introduced now. I'm just looking at her manicured nails. Residue. Is in her nail bed. I start trying to scrape it out with a fabric stain white while the bride insists that the show must go on immediately. I give in that this is an issue that will have to wait and signal to the introductions. The groom looks vaguely confused by his new wife's odor, but I tell my assistant to distract him until they take the floor. Introductions happen, the dance starts, and we find fresh horror. Colima! What's happening? The dance was a choreographed affair, and as the groom spun his bride around, hand on her waist, he is squishing everything on the insides of her waist trainer up and out the back of the waistband. To our horror, we watch as an oily stain spreads across the mid of her gown. As we are still cringing from this, the groom sets his hand firmly right in the middle of the spot. Action had to be taken as soon as the couple left the dance floor. It was obvious. And I left my assistant in charge while I made preparations. She kept radioing me. The stain is spreading. They can smell her by the spot by the DJ stand. They were cutting the cake now. They were feeding the cake to each other. Both with shit stained fingers. No. No golly. This story is gonna haunt me. Each was looking at each other downright repulsed. Next section, it wasn't over. As they left the dance floor, I had someone rush wet naps to the groom and to bring me the bride. The support tent was closed down for me, and I had pulled a tub of clean water from the caterers. She walked in to find me in dishcloths and a poncho. No. Like American Psycho. And for five minutes I was sponging down a sobbing naked bride and I questioned every life decision that went to this point. It was everywhere. It was the most disgusting thing I've ever dealt with. With her clean, I threw away the waist shaper and scrubbed down the 15k wedding gown back in a plastic basin. The inner lining was lost and I cut it out completely. Dressed again, the bride was a little worse for wear, except for her missing dinner. As a result, the support tent smelled like a sewer. And was closed for the remainder of the event. The groom was a sport, never directly saying anything, but asking if we could cancel the garter toss. Oh my god, yeah, he's like, I'm not climbing the fuck up there. Pictures from the event appeared in a magazine. Still photos, away from the smell, were beautiful. That's the end of the story. Oh. My. Good. Lord. First of all, just take Pepto Bismol. Do not try a new kale health shake green cleanse. Day of, dude. Day of. That's a terrible fucking idea. Also, that poor assisted, I mean both of them, both of them. They need a raise. But imagine going into a porta potty with her. No. Brides must be stopped. There is something about her saying, I unsnapped the crotch and it unveiled all evil. Like, down her leg. Sis, write a book. And then, and then had to re clasp it. There was shit in her nail beds. It came out the top of her dress. Her and her husband were sharing cake with shit stained fingers. I, I simply This episode was all fun and games until you just dropped that atomic bomb. The consistency of hair gel. No. And your mom is gonna be horrified. Oh my god. That's the worst story I've ever heard. Oh, I mean, I would agree. I didn't think it was a good one, but I thought it was very well written. It was very well written. God bless that novelist, wherever she is. That's all I have. I have one more thing for us. So, I went to the main video where that girl, the bath bomb girl, because it was stitched. Oh, okay. So I went to the like, main video. That's like finding gold. Right? And you can't watch all the other ones that stitched for some reason, but you can look at the comment section. Gorgeous. And. Under this video was like all petty things and the whole point was what's the pettiest thing you've done when breaking up with someone. Here are like, I didn't even have to dig for them. They were like the top 15. Fast forward through all of their shows on my Netflix account so we can't tell where he left off or what episode he's on. Beautiful. Also, if we break up, get your own fucking Netflix. Get out of here. My ex never wanted to see me again so I dated his older brother and now we're engaged. See you at the family gatherings, Mark. Something wrong with the brother at that point, if you're like, okay with that. It's like the sisters who went on The Bachelor. Yes, yeah. Sides him up for Jehovah's Witness. This woman should start a cult and I'm in on it. That's all I'm saying. I had, this is so fucking crazy. I had a special Spare key to his car. So I drove to his work, got in his car, drove three cities away, and locked the key inside. I thought I was gonna say something like, I went every day and moved his parking spot to drive him crazy. Oh my god, that is so funny. That's fucking crazy. But no, he has to report it missing. Like, there's a whole thing that happens. I changed my HBO password an hour before the Games of Thrones finale. Wow. That's methodical? Is that the word? Yeah. Uh, my mom lost the house to my dad in the divorce, so she took all 232 light bulbs. So here's the thing about that one that is simmering anger. The amount of times you have to get on a stool go up and unscrew to do that over 200 times. Genius nuts. You would be empowered by, I love it, pettiness. I love it. I took all of his left shoes. Wow. This is gorgeous. I also saw someone say they took one sock from every pair of socks they could find, so none of them ever matched. If that's someone that is like a matcher, are you a matcher of your socks? Yeah, oh my god. Of course I am. Oh, okay. You don't match your fucking socks. No, I just put them in there. Oh my god. So that wouldn't, that wouldn't affect me, but That is a level of chaos. For those who do, that is Chaotic. Pain. Pain. This one I really love. I got into his dream school. You pop off Elle Woods wherever you are you pop the fuck off. I got with the guy I told him not to worry about This happens all of the time How often have you heard? Someone say oh there with the person I said not to worry about too often. They told me not to worry about yeah too often I sold his Green Bay Packers autographed helmet on eBay to his ex wife for 500. She sold it back to him for 1, 000. Genius. A win win for everybody there. All the women win. He cheated on me with a girl in my building, so I had his car towed every single time he parked in a resident spot and not a visitor. I love these people. This group of people could rule the country. This is the government. These, these are the people who should run the quote government. This is the last one, and it is the end. Horrific. Found out he was with his ex, so when I moved my stuff out, I put fish fillets throughout the house and turned the heat on. Oh my god. I'm sick. I can't even fathom going to McDonald's and being like, yeah, give me 20 fish fillets. Filet O Fish! Ugh, that's fuckin foul. Isn't that crazy? I know we haven't done a game in a while, but I, I felt like that we could share that one. That absolutely sparked something within me. Like, I want that rage towards someone. Why? I don't know. Like, I, I told you about how I reported that person's Instagram like. I was on a high for like a day. The pettiest. Whatever. Alright everybody. I hope you have That was gorgeous. I hope you got as much of a giggle as we did. I hope you don't shit yourself at your wedding. Or ever, really, but mostly at your wedding. I'm sure you probably already have. If you haven't, like, I don't really trust you. Like, everyone shits their pants, you know? And I hope you don't get cheated on. Cause that sucks. That's true. But if you do, I hope you're fucking petty about it and you do something snarky. You got the list of things to do. You know what to do. I, I just gave you a whole ass list. Take every single one of his fucking light bulbs and left shoes. You've been given. Get out of there. You've been given the tools. Use it. And just know you dodged a bullet. And he doesn't deserve you. Or she doesn't deserve you. Fuck him. Godspeed. Godspeed. Love you mean it. Love you mean it. Bye. Bye.
Bridget:This podcast was produced by me. Bridget, Shannon. Music is written and performed by Matt You can find his band super Stoker anywhere you listen to music.