Tiger Woods

On this week's episode, Colleen is a klepto and is confessing to her sins and Bridget is ready to for a career change after a free brunch. Then we get into the topic of the week... TIGER WOODS. Our first time covering sports!!! Come with us on the rollercoaster journey of the rise, legendary fall and epic comeback of the GOAT. We play a game of "hear me out" at the end that will have you questioning Colleen's sanity.. for the 14th time this episode. YAY SPORTS!!! 

Sources:

• "Tiger" - HBO Documentary
• The Night Tiger Woods Was Exposed - The New York Post
• Witnessing History: How Tiger Rallied to Win the 2019 Masters - ESPN
• Wikipedia
• Erin 

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Transcript

0:23

Turn around, Brides Every now and then I fall apart Every now and then I fall apart And I need you now tonight That was good. That was so good at the end. I don't know how we did that. That was a total accident. It was in my head. They played it at my class last night. Oh yeah? What class did you do? Um, Yoga sculpt. Who is she? I'm doing Pilates next week. I'll let you know. I don't think I'm going to like it because usually like the skinny girls go because they need to tone what they already have, but I just need to lose fat. So I don't think so. I said to my friend, I'm like, do you sweat? And she's like, well, not really. We're just, you're like toning muscles. You don't usually use. I'm like, so there's none there, period. So no, you will. SNL skit? Because Kristen Wiig hosted over the weekend, they did a Pilates, a wicked funny Pilates skit. I'll show you after. You basically move certain elements of your body that you just didn't know you had. Like, you're gonna be sore in places that you didn't know existed. It's just like, I don't have time for that, you know? I just want, like, No, you're gonna sweat, you're gonna love it. You're gonna sweat so, so, so much. I'm just trying to get my hump back out of here. My hump. My hump, my hump, my hump. My lovely little lump. Or what did Ricky call it? His humpy? Who's Ricky? The guy who survived. Oh, Ricky McGee? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, his humpy. humpy. I was like, who are we talking about? Ricky! Ew! I was thinking of our family members, and you just said that. I was like, who are we talking about? Which cousin is that? I'm like, I missed that step. I know I missed a few parties, but. Long lost cousin from Ireland. Probably, dude. Ricky McGee. Probably. Probably. Hi. Hey. Welcome to this week's episode of Sippin with the Shannons. We're cousins and each week we sit down, we sip on some wine, we talk some shit, we have a good giggle. I'm Bridget Chanin. I'm Colleen Chanin. What'd it do? Your eyes are really green right now. Oh, really? green shirt. Oh, definitely the green shirt. Yeah. Yeah. Cool. Well, there's just something in the water, you know. What's new? What's poppin Um, not much. Still unemployed. Turns out Still Okay, but can we just for a motherfucking seconds talk about how you are a liar and you sit on a throne of lies And you smell like beef and cheese Why because I went to go clean out my refrigerator Because I was horrified that OJ would be in my refrigerator for one full year and be bad Two months! No! So, when I It was two months and I was gone for a majority of that. So I'm thinking that I meant to say 2024, but either way it would have been expired from two months. Like it Right. But two months in 12 months is a huge difference, Colleen. I'm not some type of heathen It's still chunky. Who keeps juice in my fridge for a year. Yeah, but also in your defense, even if you had it, it would have been mine, so why would you have been looking? If someone, like, if I Because you should clean out your refrigerator. Regularly. Yeah, but I'm sure you were respectful being like, oh, this is Colleen's, you just left it. I'm sure that's what happened. That was what happened. But also, just check it. My stomach is gurgling right now. Oh, no. I'm so scared for what's going to happen to me. I was going to say, we did this like a year and a half ago. Do you remember? We had a whole episode where you were like, I am going to shit myself. Oh, yeah. No, it's, it could go the other way, though. Oh, you're going to vomit. It could be either one. Sometimes both. Okay. Sometimes it just happens. What do we do? What can I do? Oh, nothing. I'll just like. I'll announce it. Cheers. And cheers to that. Cheers. A little sauvignon blanc to help the gurgle gurgle. She's got, it literally feels like this. You do that exact same noise every time you have a gurgling stomach on this podcast. I just want everyone to know. Okay. You heard it here first, gang. I just want the listeners at home to be like, Oh, yeah, I know the feeling, you know? Not for sympathy, just for understanding. Yeah, I'm sure people at home understand fully. It's chicken meatballs, man. I sent Colleen this thing that said, You have liabetes. Colleen wrote back, and it's terminal. I hope. Stop. She's suffering. But anyway, went and babysat the kids for the day. Erin got very ill. So I ran down. I just can't imagine. Having children when you're sick. I'm sorry. It's like I can't imagine having I can't imagine having children period. I know in poor Aaron white as a sheet vomiting. No, Claire's like mom, mom, mama, mama, mama. And I, I felt so bad for but she we eventually got her horizontal. Claire was good. Okay, good. Claire needed a nap and then me and Dani hung out. So it was all good. Okay. But I just felt so bad for her. I can't imagine. Anyway. Went to Portland to see Hilary. Okay. Slay. With all the girls, with all the babies. She's literally about to give birth any day now. She looks amazing. And then I feel like she's gonna have such a cute name for her baby. Oh, definitely. I'm so curious if it'll be a girl or a boy. She has a girl and a boy. Oh, she doesn't know? They don't know. I love that for them. I know. People who can keep it a secret the whole time, kudos to you. So I would have to know. Have to. You already know I would have to know. You can get like a blood test to find out even sooner than you normally would. I feel like you would do that. You would be like, I need to know the moment. Oh, for sure. And like, you know how people do like reveals and stuff and they give it to like somebody? Couldn't be me. I'd be like bribing them to tell me. Like just tell me. Don't tell him. You can tell me though. Our little secret. Wink wink. I hung out with Leanne. We got some Cosmos, some Chinese food. And then on Sunday. I went to brunch with my friend Jared. I met him in Buenos Aires, okay? He's from Boston, him and Cassie, besties, went to BA, met them, loved them. There is a brunch spot in Beacon Hill called 1928. And so Jared is a freelance writer and he's like a travel writer, so he goes to places, he gets hooked up with their PR team, he stays in places and he writes an article about it. And he tries these restaurants. He orders like five or six main courses. He orders a bunch of drinks from the menu. He takes a bunch of pictures and they do not give him a check and he invited me to go with him. And we had ourselves an absolute feast. And Cassie's always this plus one, but she's in Mexico, so I was like stealing her plus one. As you should. Happily accepting. So why aren't you doing this for a living? I know. I would love to. I'm not a writer. Yes, you are. How? You write well. Uh. You use great words. I feel like you use great words. You're in your brain saying, I'm not a writer, Erin is, but like you both are. I think that's where your brain capacity was just going. It wasn't, but that's, I do feel that way. That is true. So yes, you are. Okay. Well, anyway, he lives a life. He literally flew out the next day to go to Lima, Peru. So he's just bouncing all over, writing all these articles. His boyfriend lives in Puerto Rico and is a writer. Baker. And they are madly in love. And I was like, how is this not a Hallmark movie? Well, probably because Hallmark's homophobic. But how is this not some sort of Christmas movie? That's crazy. They're so cute and they're so in love. That's like a fake plot. That's a fake ass plot. And so he's going to move to Puerto Rico within the next year and they're going to live in Puerto Rico in between his travels while his boyfriend bakes fucking cakes. Damn. And pastries. Wow. And he travels all over and writes these beautiful articles. Yeah, I'm going to leave the state of Massachusetts. He's so cute. So we had, we had ourselves a day. Okay. Then I watched the, uh, Iowa, uh, South Carolina women's basketball game. So good. South Carolina won. Katelyn Clark, man. She's a force. And yeah, here we are. Here we sit. What about you? I love that that other coach was like, just want to shout out Katelyn Clark. Cause she like, yeah, that was so nice of her. Yeah. She's a bad bitch. Baddie. Yeah. I watched it while I was working. So yeah, I live streamed it. It was great. Yeah. You know, it was on, but I was waiting the people while watching. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it was fine. Classic. Yeah. What'd you do? I worked all weekend. No, I know, I know. No, I did go out on Saturday, but I, I was, as you would say, burning both ends of the candlestick. Uh, because like, I, you know, I've been bringing my own tequila, but like, just something came over me on Saturday where I just didn't, and I, my bar tab, I never, it hurt. I never fucking opened a tab either. I left my umbrella there, so sad. Your umbrella, my umbrella, that's not money we can waste these days. I'm probably like 10 fucking dollars. Why are you outside so long that you need an umbrella when there's a line for what to get into the bar? Sometimes you got to wait in the line. Oh, oh my God. That is how far removed I am from your age in bar scene. Well, I was like, why the fuck would it was downpouring now? Like it was downpouring. So it was just like to go from the, even to go from like. You spend so long doing your hair and then you go from the house to the Uber, like, that hurts. So you gotta get a little umbrella. And you know, I like full, me and Erin are like, I am the man in the relationship, and I go get her on the other side of the door with the umbrella. Like, it's not. Can I buy you one of those that sit on your head? I would love that. Okay, great. I would absolutely love that. I'll do that for your birthday. I put like a bag over my head. Cause you know what happens? I go to leave, but the umbrella's in my car. So then it's like, I gotta go get it out of my car, it's raining. Okay. So then I have to put a bag over my head to get the umbrella to bring it back in so we can take it out for the night. It's a lot. Just wear your hair up. Like, I just don't know I can't, I can't be a bald eagle, like, out and about. Like, how is, how am I gonna find love looking like a bald eagle? Looking like a founding father at the bar. Stop. You know how the bows have come back a little bit? Yes. I put my hair in like a cute pony or a cute something with a bow, a bow in. Full Benjamin Franklin. Especially when I don't have makeup on yet. Holy shit, there's nothing more jarring. Nothing. Job scare. Full Benjamin Franklin. Like, get me outside with a kite and a key. Or whatever it was that he was doing out there. Was that him? I don't even know. Thomas Edison? Who's the guy on the corner? I know he was flying a kite. Yeah. Very cool. Benny Franklin, baby. Yeah, I was looking like him. I had the cute little bow at the end of their braid. Like, slay. Um. I wouldn't be able to pull that off either, to be totally honest. No. Ever. Be ever. I wouldn't be able to put it off ever. Ever be ever. So I was at Loco for, met, met a gaggle of pals for some Beverginos, had a couple spicy margs and then like way too many tequila sodas. I did do something horrible that I have had news about all week but my, my karma, my karma, no not that bad. My karma hit me though, I'll tell you why. So I make poor decisions sometimes that are just like, Sometimes? Like bad people, like you're a bad person choices. Not like, oh, I fucked up and like, threw up on somebody, like, not that type of thing, like, bad, like, bad person. So, Erin can't find her coat when we're leaving, and I'm like, oh, you can just like, have mine, like, it's like, raining, it's cold, and I'm never cold, so like, just, we're going home, like, just take my coat. And she's like, no, I'm so pissed, like, I don't know where it is. And she had left it on the chair, like, someone definitely took it, and we were only by those chairs the whole night. Like, we were sitting, so everyone was like, switching who was someone took it. So someone took it. And I was coming back from the bathroom, and I just saw two of them in two leather jackets on top of them, like, Horrible, and I would never normally, and I didn't remember until I was at work the next day, and I was like why did I, I, I'm a terrible person, and I started sweating, and I texted Erin, and I was like, I just, like I wanted, I should return them to local, I know, I'm, I preface this by saying I'm a terrible person, and then I'm like, oh my god, I'm, God forgive me. I'm not a religious person, but God must forgive me for this. You know, who needs to forgive me? Brittany Broski. She would be so upset with me right now. No, but just now I know I'm a piece of shit. Okay. And so then I got to work and I had to work on Sunday because they were going to have live music from one to three. It's like this usual guy, but it actually wasn't the usual guy. It was the usual guy's son. And so I'm like, okay, you know, maybe like mid twenties, maybe he's young, maybe he's cute, whatever. He's in high school. He, you Was a fetus. So his fetus friends came in. Oh his little baby embryo buddies. So so so many Shirley Temple's and sides of fries. Oh Uh huh, you deserved every second of that Colleen. No, I had a percent. So as it's happening, I'm like, I can't even be mad I know exactly what this is. This is karma. This is your comeuppance. I'm hungover dealing with pre pre pubescent teenagers Drinking Shirley Temple's and chocolate milks. Like please you very specifically to have said You Before and I believe on this podcast that you hate people who ask for like virgin drinks like children If you if your balls have dropped you should not be ordering chocolate milk, and I stand by that. Sorry So how many did you have to make you don't want to know like I'm and I can't even I'm not mad limit doesn't exist I'm not even mad. So if you're gonna do I don't know. I should probably return them They're just sitting in my living room. Like I don't know why I did that No, you need to return them to the bar, you know I did that once in college really bad and it keeps me up at night It was contact lenses though in college and I've returned them you so I was so enthralled, I was in like a college, like someone's house that I didn't know. I was like, we have the same prescription! And I must have taken them because the next day I found them and was like, holy shit, I brought them back. Oh my god, I brought them back, just to clarify. I think you should bring them back to the bar. I think so too. But just know, these are the wack You need to repent. A hundred percent. Guys, this is me coming clean. I'm holding myself. I love how honest you are. I'm holding myself accountable. That was a terrible move on my part. I would never make that decision. Not to say like, it's the alcohol's fault, like no, but I would never make those decisions of sound mind. Yeah. You were clearly three sheets to the wind. I'm definitely a klepto, but not like that. Like I'm not a klepto like that. Like I'm a klepto in the way, like I'll take things from like my friends. Like I'm like, Oh yeah, I took a Diet Coke out of your fridge. Like I'm a klepto like that, like harmless things, you know, like it's not, I'm not stealing people's belongings. Until Saturday. Until Saturday. So, if you're missing a leather jacket from Loco and you're there on Saturday night, I'm wicked sorry. Also, I never stay at bars until the lights are on. Like there was no need for me, just me and Erin to be there when the lights are on. Definitely not. At that point, there's no one. That's time to go. No, and we had like 15, 20 friends that were there and it cleared out. Why were we there? Yeah, I don't know. There were no prospects. Like, what are we doing here? Stealing coats. It's just a terrible decision on my part. But anywho. Um. A priest would give you like five Hail Marys and a few Our Fathers for the road. All the years that I had to go to confession was making stuff up because I was panicked. I didn't know what to confess. I didn't want him to be mad at me. This is something that I would actually have used. A hundred percent. I could have used this. As ammo. You absolutely could forgive me for the five sins. Anyways, I'm here now. Um, karma. Did you see the Eclipse Karma's, Carmen? I was just gonna say, can we talk about that dumb ass eclipse? Here's the thing leading up to it. I was like, this is so stupid. Who gives flying? Fuck. Stop wearing your stupid ass glasses and enough with memes. And then I saw all the videos and I was like, this is actually really fucking cool Really? Oh my God. The videos. Have you seen the one from Vermont? No. It is so cool. All I see is something that looks like the sun. No. It's cooler than that, Colleen. All I know is that people were crowding outside my office and it was really pissing me off. Oh, the neighbors were neighboring. Like everyone, relax. I don't have friendly neighbors. Like people aren't pussy popping in this neighborhood. I am so scared of your neighbors. Yeah, as you should be. And people were out and about. And it actually was really crazy because I forgot what time it was happening. And I was like, wow, it just got really dark in my apartment. That's so weird. Weird. What is happening? And I turned a light on, and I go outside, immediately look directly at it. The one thing you're not supposed to do. Oh, that's not real. Yes it is. I did it. I'm fine. You don't wear sunblock. You steal things and lie. I am not taking your advice on fucking anything. I wear tinted You don't see a doctor. I wear tinted sunscreen every day, for your information, in case you wanted to know. You went to Florida and didn't wear sunscreen on your face. Yes I did. I wear tinted sunscreen every day. I have it on right now. I said to you, have you, did you wear sunscreen or do you think you're stronger than the sun? Yeah, I definitely think I'm stronger than the sun. But I definitely was wearing SPF 15 tinted moisturizer. Not because I was like, oh, I need sunscreen. Oh, because I was ugly. Great. So anyways. Anyway, so I actually really enjoyed the videos after the fact. I also enjoyed all the Twilight references, all of the memes. All the internet videos was here for, but the glasses are stupid. I'm sorry. Why are people gathering in a park to look up? It just feels silly to me. They reminded me of like when you went to go see Spy Kids when you were younger when it was 3D. Yes, the 3D. And you felt like that bitch with those glasses on. Yes. Yeah. Bring back 3D movies. They still exist. Yeah, for sure. I bet the glasses look a lot different. Yeah, they almost look like sunglasses now. They've invested. Yeah, they look like plastic sunglasses now. Like usually yellow. I saw Avatar in 3D. It was a lot. I saw Batman, the one with Robert Pattinson in 3D. Damn. It was a lot. Interesting. I've never seen Avatar. I also didn't know there was a Batman with Robert Pattinson. Of course you didn't. I thought there was only the one with what's his name. You only know how to quote R. V. That was good. No, really, what's his name, though? Tom Hardy. That's who that is? Bane? No. Bane is a bad guy who talks like that. Who's Batman? Oh, Christian Bale? Oh, yeah, yeah, him with the weird teeth. He's like a little A canine? Yeah, something going on there. I kind of like it, though. What is happening? I don't know. Off the rails. I did tell you I had one Adderall and I forgot to take it. I had one singular Adderall to my name. And it was the one thing I was hoping you would do today. Oh, fuck, sorry. Because it's my story day. And so I was like, oh, she's gonna need it so that she stays. With me. That's why I went for a speed walk to, you know. To work out some of that energy. Yeah, to gather it. Okay. Reel it in. I'm fine. Convincing. Anything else? I don't think so. Let me check my notes. Okay. I watched The Lion King 1 and 2 and it just. And 2? And 2. You don't like the second one? I haven't seen the second one in 20 years. Oh my god. It was, it just, it hit different, you know? Sure. I wept. In the gorge! Do you know what I'm talking about? Simba! He's in the gorge! Stampede! Yeah, I mean it's awful. Oh my god, I can't even think about it. Me, Aaron and Fiona just silently wept on the couch. Oh, it's so sad. The music too. Is, it's a lot. I feel like you give me Zazu energy sometimes. Do you know what I mean? That's the meanest thing you've ever said to me. What's wrong with Zazu? Zazu is, has it going on? He's such a rule following, no at all. No, he's not. Yeah. Well, tell me why he's the only character that survives both movies. That's all I'm saying. I don't know. I feel like we're Timon and Pumbaa. Who's who? I feel like you're Timon. Because Timon's just always, and then like Pumbaa's always like, what? What's going on? Yes. Following along, but also Timon's like, also not well. Exactly. You know? Exactly. The math is mathing. Do you like that better than Trek and Donkey? What? I do actually like that better than Trek and Donkey. Okay. Again, you keep comparing me to people who are just like, shut up. Follow the rules. I see nothing, nothing wrong, no qualms with any of those characters. Zazu's cool. I thought it was Zazu. He's a, he's a bit of a narc. Who would you rather be, Rafiki? Rafiki has big dick energy. Yeah. And I'll die on that hill. 100%. 100%. So what did you think about the second one? Oh, I love the second one. What is even the plot of the second one? It's, uh, Simba's daughter, Nala. Mm hmm. And then Scar's, like, chosen one, Kovu. Mm hmm. You like, you like the bad one, of course. Oh yeah, he was an awakening for me, for sure. He's on the list. He's your hear me out. Oh, yeah. What do you think we're playing later? Yeah, he's on there for sure, but that's all I have for real. For real, for real. I actually have no idea what we're talking about today. I'm a little scared. Yeah, so I was running, not out of ideas, but I wasn't feeling very inspired by anything. So I do what I always do and I text my sister Erin. And I said, what do you think I should do? And she sent me a few different options. And she was like, well, the masters are coming up, so you could do something a little bit more topical. Are we doing Tiger Woods? We are doing motherfucking Tiger Woods today. Oh, love that. We are doing the rise, the fall, the comeback of the goat, Tiger Woods. I watched a documentary on HBO called Tiger. It's two episodes. It's really, really good. I highly recommend it. They're each like an hour and a half long. It is so good. Wikipedia, of course. And Aaron, because Aaron knows everything. She is the source of all knowledge. This is basically for Aaron and my brother in law who are obsessed with golf. Like I remember so vividly us being on family vacation. I, we were on an island. I think we were on St. Thomas. We're frolicking around St. Thomas and I was like, where is Erin? Erin was at the bar because her and her husband made bets on who was winning and had like a whole thing. She loves golf. I didn't know that she loved golf specifically. I always knew she was a sports girly. Knew that. Yes. Didn't know that golf was in on that. So like, you learn something new every day. She knows more about sports than any man that I know. Mm, 100%. And can just rifle off facts like there's no tomorrow. We don't deserve her. We really don't. We are trash. Okay. Bye. Eldrick Tiger Woods was born on December 30th, 1975 in Orange County, California. His name is Eldrick? Eldrick. Okay, Ellie. Let's play. He's got You ready for this? No. Two half siblings from his dad's first marriage and is raised as an only child. Hmm. Sound familiar to anyone? No. In this room? No. No? Okay. Oh, he gets only child syndrome, doesn't he? For sure. In high school, his ex girlfriend said he went, she went over to his house and it was just a shrine to him. Like he is the chosen one. Ew. No, his parents are obsessed with him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll get into it. He is a prodigy out of the gates. He first picked up a golf club at three months old. Like when you don't even have knees yet. Do you have a neck? Or a neck. I literally wrote, or a neck. That was my next line. My neck! Oh my god. God, where is the Adderall when you need it? Okay, Earl would put Tiger, his dad's name is Earl, Earl would put Tiger in his high chair and he would hit balls. And so he did it so he could not obviously make sure he was safe. And they would take him out of the high chair to feed him and he would lose his shit the moment they took him out. So what they would do is they would put him in the high chair. He would watch his dad swing and in between swings, he would look at his mom and open his mouth and then close it and that's how they fed him in between swings of the ball and he watched everything and they said the level of concentration for a kid at such a young age was absolutely insane. Tiger's parents, Earl and Tita, started taking him to the golf course at a very young age. His dad had been a Vietnam veteran. He was in the military. And there was a Navy golf course that would allow Tiger and his parents to come and play and practice. And this is before Tiger has a vocabulary. So Earl has to dumb down some of the golf language so that Tiger can understand what's going on. And what age is he at this point? Two. That's crazy. In golf, there are these things called water hazards, which are any sort of bodies of water. It could be a lake, a pond, a ditch, any open water. They're usually marked on the course and they usually make the course more difficult. And so they would call it Wawa because that's how Tiger, so he would come on the course and Tiger would point to a lake or a pond or a ditch and go, Wawa, daddy, Wawa. And they would be like, yep, that is a water hazard, Tiger. In 1978, he went on a TV show called the Michael Douglas Show, and the guests were Bob Hope and Jimmy Stewart. He's two. He comes out with his little bag of clubs with Earl, and he has a putting competition with Bob fucking Hope at two years old. And I have a video of it. He's a fetus. Sir! He's two. That's crazy. Crazy. Yeah. So in golf you play 18 holes, but you can do half. You can only do 9 sometimes if you want to do that. A professional golfer who plays 9 holes usually shoots under 40. That's crazy. That's like exceptional. At the age of three, Tiger shot a 49. Okay. Three. How do you even have like muscles? Danny is four. That's crazy. Yep. By age five, he's in Golfers Digest. At six, he wins a tournament at the Navy Course. And now if you play 18 holes, the average for just a normal human who plays is around 100. If you golf regularly, it's usually in the 90s. And then the difference between 70 and 80 is a professional advanced golfer. Because even one stroke difference is a huge amount in golf. So, 70 to 80 is a lot of room, but it's, that's what a professional is. Aaron said the pros obviously get tougher courses, though. They get further, more difficult, more water hazards, etc. Tiger shot in the 70s at 8. Okay. He went on to win the Junior World Championship six times. He won four consecutively. Earl said that Tiger first beat him at the age of eleven, with Earl trying his absolute best. He lost to Tiger every time after that. From eleven on. That's crazy. Oh my god. So he's a prodigy. That's like not, it's not fathomable. No, he's not on this planet. He does not have the skills of a normal human being. Genetics are not, are made different here. Like, can you even walk for some of those ages? Right. So again, for sure, for real, like you're not even speaking English perfectly yet. That's crazy. And so, again, 80 to 70. Tiger shot in the 60s at the age of 12. He won the U. S. Junior Amateur at 15 and he wins the U. S. Amateur at 18. So his parents claim that it wouldn't have mattered what he did. He could have picked up a different sport. It could have been bowling. It could have been an instrument. It could have been anything, and they would have gone all in. But in the dock. that I watched. It is very clear that Earl had a master plan from the jump, and it was golf. And one of his friends calls him a world class bullshitter. And teacher said he was very difficult. One woman is like, he was a complete pain in the ass. And if anyone even suggested a different sport, it was like, no, he needs to focus on golf. Fuck school. Fuck all this. He's golfing. Interesting. So at this time, and honestly, still, Golf is a white male dominated sport, and Tiger is Thai, Chinese, black, white, and Native American. So to see someone like him on the golf course in the way that he's playing at such a young age is a really, really big deal. Iconic. And this particular league is incredibly racist. Historically racist. The Masters didn't admit a black player until 1990. And didn't offer memberships to women until 2012. Uh, that was yesterday. Yeah, that's correct. Meanwhile, his father is on TV. Or just anywhere, at events, at tournaments, speaking about him like he is the next Messiah. He said he's going to be someone who bridged all races for humanity in the game of golf and beyond. He actually, I have an exact quote from him. This was at a college banquet. He said, quote, Please forgive me. Sometimes I get very emotional when I talk about my son. Pause. He cries almost through this whole thing. My heart fills with so much joy when I realize that this young man is going to help so many people. He will transcend this game and bring to the world a humanitarianism which has never been known before. The world will be a better place to live in by virtue of his existence and his presence. This is my treasure. Please accept it and use it wisely. So well spoken. No pressure, Tiger. No pressure, my guy. Like, you're going to change the world from here on out. Legit. He is the second coming. I think at one point he like calls him a Gandhi. Like, he is everything. They train him very hard. And when you play golf, the audience is dead silent. So you don't mess with the players while they're swinging. After they hit it, you can share in chat, but while they're swinging and leading up to it, you are dead silent. His dad would bring him to the course, talk loudly, throw shit at him, do all sorts of things to throw him off his game. And Earl basically said, I'm trying to build a mental toughness for Tiger that will last throughout his entire career, which it does. Do you think. Our mothers have ever talked about us like that? No. Nope, I don't even think it's gotten remotely close to that. You think it's a warning to other people? They're like, they're fine. Honestly, they're not very funny, but they think they are. They're not nice people. Like, it's They're both single, you know, it is what it is. So Earl has one of his military friends teach Tiger how to basically hypnotize himself so that when he's in the zone and they're like Tigers in the zone, he's actually in a zone. He has this way of blocking everything else out and just being able to focus on the game. So where his father was teaching him, you have literally never been in a zone, not one zone. Not that zone, not a zone, no zone. I just want it quiet upstairs. Do you know what you have been in? The tow zone. Oh my god, you just reminded me. Did you get your car towed? No, but I brought It's in the car. No, Colleen, what have you done? It's in the car today. I was like, you know what? Gonna do my thing. I did my taxes. I just know, I want to know, in what year? I won't owe. In what year do I receive something back? So we can talk about this later, but it depends on what you declare. I claim to. I don't know what's happening. It's not, I think it's my waitress saying, I think that's what it is. But, either way. Sure, it's fine. I'm fine. Everything's fine. Not the point. I was also like, you know what, let's take a look at my other things that I've seen come in the mail that I've been ignoring for the past year and a half. Um, And I stacked up every parking ticket, pay by plate, excised to everything, and I have, it's in a wad this big, and I was gonna be like, I have something to show you, I was just gonna put the logo out. It is world record amounts. Have you paid them? So no. So that's what I was gonna do today. So your car's gonna get repossessed. Correct. So my inspection sticker is, in fact, really old, so like, I know, I don't think that should be the priority at the moment. I think it's, Probably everything else. Like if my license was to expire, like anytime soon, I wouldn't be able to renew it. And also if I got pulled over, I'd probably get arrested. Okay, can we unpack this later? Because my cortisol level is now through the roof. Yes, I went to go pay those today, but I forgot I got distracted, obviously. But just know So maybe just take the Adderall. It's hilarious. I will, uh, show you after. Proceed. Cool. So where Tiger's father was teaching him this mental fortitude, this toughness. His mother was teaching him how to be a very, very fierce competitor. She says in an interview, she said, I would say to Tiger, it does not matter how big you get, I'll beat you. I'll spank you if I need to. If you act up. She was a bad bitch. She was vicious. And one guy in the documentary said, She told Tiger, Don't just beat them, put your foot on their necks. That's her philosophy. Oh, I don't like that at all. So those are Tiger's parents. Mm, the math is mathing. So his girlfriend who I mentioned said he was really shy. He was like this nice, shy kid who didn't have a lot of friends. His nickname in college was Urkel. Oh, Urkel. Yeah, and so he's just this shy boy who also happens to be a golf prodigy. Savant. It seems like that didn't last that long. The shyness? No, he still is. We'll get into it. Don't you worry. Colleges were falling over themselves trying to recruit him. Obviously. He ends up going to Stanford. They had just won the NCAA Championship in 1994. With Tiger, they win again. He's voted for all the things. NCAA First Team All American. Stanford's Male Freshman of the Year. He gets all the accolades. Just right out of the gates. Of all the golf tournaments, though, the Masters is the biggest one. He plays at the Masters at 19 years old. And the way the Masters works is the first couple days, everybody plays, and then they cut the field in half. So they take a score, and anyone over or under, right? So if you're under, you get cut, and then Saturday and Sunday are the two biggest days of the Masters, Sunday being the finale. Got it. So, he makes the cut. Obviously. With all of his success on the rise, He ends up leaving college after only two years, and he goes pro at 20. He signs a multi million dollar endorsement with Nike, and they're already saying at this point he's going to be the next Michael Jordan. Apparently at the Nike headquarters, they had told him, like the Nike team, told him and Earl that he needed immediate training. And Earl said, no, no, no, I've already trained him on that. He's all set. And they were like, Um, Nike training and Earl training are two very different things and they just got the vibe that Earl wanted full claws in Tiger and what he was doing and wanted all the control. So that brings us to the 1997 Masters. The big time. A little golf lesson for us all because I did not know this. And Aaron has a wonderful way of just dumbing it down so we can all understand it. In a golf season, they golf every single weekend. Those are called PGA tournaments. PGA is the golf league, like the way we talk about the NFL or the NHL. PGA is golf. Oh. So every weekend, there's a PGA tournament. And then within the year that they play, there are four majors. The majors are the Masters, the U. S. Open. The Open, which is also known as the British Open, and the PGA Championship. The Masters is the biggest one, especially for American golfers. I literally thought the Open. No, what's the other one you just said? Not the Open, um. PGA Tournament, U. S. Open, the Masters. I thought the U. S. Open was tennis. There is different versions for different sports. Okay, cool. The Masters is the biggest one. He had played there before, like I mentioned, but now he's an actual contender. He's 21 years old, he shows up, and he struggles. Oh, he's not slaying the day away. He's struggling a bit at first. He's like, I don't know if it was nerves or just getting settled in, he's all over the place. And usually for golfers, it's really hard to change momentum and gain that confidence back and make it happen. But it's Tiger Woods and he turns things around and he starts fucking crushing it. And everyone is talking about Tiger going into Sunday, the final day, and the night before he can't sleep. He's really restless. He got a bunch of racist threats throughout the tournament. People on the sidelines are yelling the n word at him. He's just getting it from every different angle, just truly disgusting behavior. And he goes to his, he sees his dad's lights on in his room. He goes into his dad's room and he tells him all of his fears, all the things he's worried about. And his dad said to him, tomorrow's going to be the hardest round of your life. But if you stay calm and you be yourself, it will be your most rewarding. Round. So the next day, he gets his ass on that course and he fucking crushes it. The thought of being surrounded by that many people in silence, oh, it makes me sick. He's in the zone. He's definitely in the zone here. Those are his parents. I'd be so fucking scared of Earl, holy shit. Slay! Where's Papa Earl? Yep, you gotta see him hug his dad. Aww. Earl! And he wins! Yes! He's the youngest person to ever do it. So when you win the Masters, you get a green jacket and they put it on you. It's very classy. It's like, uh, have you ever seen someone win like a national championship? Like we had it in cheering. There was a black leather jacket. I was thinking like windbreaker. No, no, no, no, they're nice. These, you would actually really like them. They're these green button up. They're really beautiful. They're iconic to have Yeah, but on steroids on the biggest golf Like if all of the people who won the Super Bowl got one jacket instead of a ring Okay, so if you have a jacket, it's because you are the pinnacle of your top of the class. You are that golfing bitch Yeah, that's correct But So he always wears red on Sundays, and he said his mom told him once that Cap the Capricorn's power color is red. And so when he was a junior, he wore blue just to be spiteful. He was just like, I wanted to rebel. And he had the opportunity to win and he lost, and he never wore blue again. He only wore red. So they call it his Sundays Sunday Reds. Superstitious. So, in his Sunday Red, he wins. After he wins the Masters in 1997, he is on a fucking rocket ship. He is so famous. He is everywhere. People are obsessed with him. He is at sporting events. He is on talk shows. There is so much pressure on him, and there already was, but now it's monumental. And not only is he 21, but he's black. And he's a man. And he's in a white, male dominated sport. And there's even more pressure on someone like him because whether he likes it or not, he is now a symbol and a spokesperson for an entire race of people. And he goes on Oprah and he calls himself, it's spelt kablinasian, but he says it fast like kablasian. It's a word he made up that has all of his ethnicities that I mentioned earlier mixed together. Oh, okay. And according to the documentary, black people were really upset because they wanted him to be their champion. They wanted him to get up and be like, yeah, not, you know, I'm a, I'm a bunch of things that represent. They wanted him to represent and white people already hate him and are sending him death threats because they're racist and his dad is going on national television and calling him the Messiah. So you can imagine the amount of worldwide pressure that is on this very young. Um, he's 21. He's 21. I feel like I do this on this podcast a lot of time. I like emphasize an age because I can't believe at the age that some people do these things. Anyway, not the point. No, that's fair. Think about what you were doing when you were 21. That's how we compare. Getting shit faced. That's what I was doing. Falling down hills. That's a story for a different time. The U. S. Open is well known for being a very, very difficult course. And he shows up, and he shows out. And he wins. He's, this is 1998, and he wins on Father's Day. Big day for Earl. He also won the PGA Championship in 1999. So he is just out here picking them up and putting them down. He gets to a level of fame that I personally think is terrifying. It's not a fandom, it's a mania. Yeah. In the pressures of golf. He was ready for like that aspect. He was ready for he was not ready for the pressure of fame in the level of People's obsession with him and every move that he makes it does start to take a toll on him He starts fighting with Earl a lot. No, he gets really into scuba diving Okay How sad is this though? And so when one of his friends asked, he said the fish don't know who I am down there. That's really upsetting. And like how quiet it is. Yeah. So we got really into scuba diving for a bit. But that's the level. He's, it's, he can't breathe and this is a shy kid who's a nerd. He literally just wants to play golf. He's obsessed, he's a golf, I will say, he has an addiction to golf. This isn't just somebody, and I've seen this a few times in sport. You see it with Brady or Michael Jordan. It's like a high, it's like an addict. Yeah. So in 2000, he wins the British Open and his second PGA Championship and the U. S. Open. Nuts. I'm tired. Oh, you haven't seen nothing yet, girlfriend. In 2001, he goes back to the Masters and he's up against Phil Mickelson, who is top 10 in the world for golf. Everybody knows who he is if you watch golf or if you're interested in golf at all. And they have a bit of a rivalry over the years. They're both from Southern California. Phil's like five plus years older than him. And so all of the records that Tiger grew up trying to beat are Phil's. Got it. Cause they're from the same area. And Phil is this white country club guy. Tiger is. A mixed race kid from humble beginnings. In Phil. Phil. Phil. Fucking Phil. I hate that goddamn name. Phil has about 20 pounds extra on him where Tiger goes to the gym every single day and looks like Captain America. Phil signs autographs until his pen runs out of ink and Tiger is so focused on the game that he's kind of standoffish. And I saw somewhere they played a round of golf before all of this. And they bet a couple hundred dollars like whoever won would win and Tiger lost and he never let it go. He was just pissed. So now at the Masters, they're against each other. And Tiger is just dead set on beating him. He's like, I have to finally beat the man that I lived in the shadows of. I finally have to beat him. In this whole time, his whole life, there's this guy, Jack Nicklaus. I think I'm saying that right. I'm sorry, Erin, if I said that wrong. He's one of the greatest of all time. There's a sandwich named after him at the fours. I think it's a chicken Caesar wrap. That's why I know it. The way your eyes just lit up thinking of a chicken Caesar wrap. No, I have to confirm. I'm sorry. I know this is so irrelevant, but I have to confirm if this is true. If I just didn't make that up. Hold on. The four, the fours. That's the question. The fours menu. I'm dead. I can look it up right now. Hold on. Oh my god, it is. Our classic Caesar salad topped with grilled chicken wrapped in a whole wheat tortilla. Also, whole wheat? Ew. Well, they have a Hall of Famers sandwich wrap, sandwich and wrap section, so that is 100 percent accurate. How do you not know what day it is, but you remember the chicken Caesar wrap from the fucking fours? I don't 2020. You are so deeply unwell, Colleen. Sorry, proceed. Anyway. So he really wants to beat, he really wants to beat Phil. That's what's happening. Phil's nickname, you will fucking die. Phil's nickname is Lefty. He was right handed but he played with his left. And Tiger was so annoyed by him because he had the most. natural talent and he just didn't try. Like he just naturally was gifted and Tiger was so annoyed that someone that gifted wouldn't put in the extra work to be amazing versus just great. Like I said Phil's nickname was Lefty. Tita would call him Hefty on the sidelines. Damn. She wouldn't fucking come for him. She was cutthroat. She's vicious. She's small, but she's fucking vicious. So we're at the 13th hole, and Phil hits this beautiful drive right down the middle, right where he needs to. And Tiger decides to mindfuck him a little bit. He takes out a smaller club that you wouldn't usually use for this type of drive, and hits an even better one. And while they're walking to the next hole, Phil says to Tiger, Do you normally hit with that club? Like, he calls it a three, I believe. Do you normally hit that with the three? And Tiger goes, No, normally it's usually further. Mind games. Interesting. A game within a game, if you will. The shot completely. They're allowed to talk? Yeah, because they walk from one. So that's the other thing that's so funny about golf. So they all move from one. The spectators? Hole to the next. The spectators too. And it's first come, first serve where you stand. So everyone's. running but trying not to run. So everyone looks like they're part of a speed walking competition. It's fucking hilarious. Watching people follow Tiger Woods is hysterical. It's like when they would let you in on the, at the, on the lawn at Xfinity. Yes. And they open the gates and all. And everyone's like, try not to panic. But also like not trying to run because that's like embarrassing. No, that's exactly what's happening, Colleen. Jonas Brothers, don't forget. My dad took off. Getting finger banged. No. In the back. No. Jonas Brothers. I was like 10. No. Oh my god. I'm sorry. That's disgusting. I, I was talking about the other time you went and you were saying, sorry, that got real weird. Oh, everyone was getting fingered at the TV center. And if you, it's like a rite of passage. Not a 10. Not at 10 years old. Not at 10. Jesus. As you said that at the same time, I go, my dad was running. Bad choice of words at that point. Thanks, Dad. So anyway, the drive completely deflates Phil's ego and Tiger ends up winning another Masters. Naturally. Phil cannot come back from it. So 2001 is a crazy year for Tiger. He gets what is now called as a Tiger Slam. This is when you win the Masters, the US Open, the Open, and the PGA Championship. So four for four. Never been done before consecutively. Okay. In the same year. It had never been done before and it has never been done since. Really? And they call it, so it's a grand slam if you just win four at some point. He did all four in one year. Oh. Like when people have an Emmy, a Grammy. EGOT. But imagine if they swept all of the same season. Got it. That, that is the level. I'm actually so glad you brought it up. That is like if someone did that all in one year. Absolute insanity. He was also the youngest to Grand Slam ever, let alone to do it consecutively. Erin said she remembered listening to Dennis and Callahan on the way to school when we were kids. And if you're not from Boston, that was a sports radio talk show in the morning. They had a weekly segment. where they would bet on whether Tiger or the field would win. Meaning, if a hundred guys were at a golf tournament, they would take a bet on whether Tiger would win, or whether the 99 other people on the field would win. No. And they would make money off of Tiger winning. He beat everyone. All of the time. Interesting. And every single time you win, you make a boatload of money. So think of how much money he's making. I'm like, he's not doing it for clout because he doesn't like people. No, he, it, he could make no money. He is a machine. He is a golf. fanatic. He's obsessed with the game, the way that Tom Brady is, the way that Michael Jordan is. I know I keep coupling them. They are not on the same planet as we are. And obviously, Erin remembers something from a talk show from 20 years ago. She said, I remember in 2001, listening to it on the way to school. I'm like, you were 12. You were 12. So I looked and last year, the winner of the Masters got 3 million. Now, it's completely different today than it was back then, but it was still a lot of money. So he signs a five year, 100 million endorsement deal with Nike. Nike, where are you getting your cash from? He is the first 100 million athlete to sign that kind of deal, and he completely changes the landscape of how athletes are sponsored. And, like I said, Michael Jordan, of course, put this type of thing on the map. Tiger is the first one. He's also the first billionaire, eventually, athlete. Just do it. She's bitter. Yeah. He will. She's jealous. He was so good and he was so exciting to watch that viewership for golf completely skyrockets. Interest in golf, the sport grows astronomically and it inspired a whole new wave of kids who are watching this to start playing golf themselves. Think of, you know what? We just brought Caitlin Clark up earlier. Think of what they're starting to do. And put that on steroids because, and I'll say this a few times, like Jordan and Brady and what they're doing with women's basketball right now, they're all part of a team. So it's really hard to explain how one sole person made such an impact on an entire sport more than Tiger Woods. He signs with Buick, American Express, Titleist. He's selling fucking Wheaties. He's doing video game golfing. The Wheaties. Whatever happened with that? Wheaties? Do people still, like, you were like Eat Wheaties? I feel, I feel like That's my mom's favorite food. Wheaties? Yeah. I didn't know that. She gets home and she eats a bowl of cereal. I didn't know that. Yeah, she's freaking nature. She can eat it at 11 o'clock at night. Does not care what time of day it is. I remember her eating ice phase. She'll, she still do that? No, she said that she got a craving when she was pregnant with me and it never went away and then She did it for a very long time. I also think it was like, uh, a habit. Like, I think it turned from a craving to a habit. And then she had some issues with her teeth and then she never did it again. Interesting. It was like a hyper fixation for 25 years and then she never touched ice again. Weird. I'll have to ask her. It's like a core memory of mine. Oh, yeah. In your black fridge with Yeah, they had a Crusher Cubed and she would, she didn't like the cubed as much because it was too painful and then she was doing crushed and then it was I can legit hear it when I close my eyes yeah in my dad's diet coke the ice hit in the side yeah my family loves ice you included as you just used an entire tray for that one glass of wine and didn't like we used to like put faces on weedy boxes yeah yes do you know what I mean there are different things you could do with weedy boxes they really made cereal that's when cereal was fun Yeah, you could like play games on it. Yeah, it was like TV wasn't as much of a thing. Yes. Okay, cool. Just checking. Thanks So he's making so much money. He's got private jets. He's got cars He's got yachts and as all this happens, he starts to pull back from Earl and don't leave Earl in the dust Mmm Earl said they got into a fight and Tiger said to him I don't think you can handle being a businessman and a father at the same time. It comes out that Earl had been cheating on Tita for years. And Oh, here we fucking go. Uh huh. And one of the friends in the documentary, who became really close with Tiger and Earl, By playing with them on the Navy course, when Tiger was a kid, said that he was also married, and him and Earl would teach women how to quote unquote play golf. You can just see it with the guy wrapping his arms around their arms and showing them how to fucking hold it or whatever. And then they would go into Winnebago for some drinks, and they would cheat on their wives and have sex with these women. Um, that last clip of our man Earl in the 90s, man's can barely walk. Yeah, he doesn't care. He's Tiger's dad. That doesn't, that don't stop the wang, clearly? I mean, I don't know how late into his years it went. Oh, okay. But it, it, it was to the point where Tiger was aware of it. He knew exactly what was going on. He knew his dad was actively cheating on his mother to the point where when they travel for golf tournaments His dad would leave and go sleep with women and his girlfriend tells a horrible story of him calling her Sobbing and being like my dad's at it again. He's out again with another woman. He never said anything to his mom And I don't know if she knew or not. I would guess that she knew, but what makes this seems like she's that bitch. Like, how is she? I don't know. It's just it's different times. Maybe that's more normalized. I would kill him, but I mean, I can't judge. I think what's particularly so sad about this is if you watch early interviews of Tiger and Earl, they both say they're each other's best friends. And where Tiger didn't have a lot of friends, and his whole life was golf, his dad is so ingrained in his entire journey. And it's, I can't even imagine knowing that and not being able to say anything because you think you're hurting your best friend, who's also your dad, who also got you where you are now. It's just very messy. And as Tiger gets more famous. His dad starts getting messier and his shit is all about to come out. His reckoning is coming and Tiger completely separates himself. He doesn't want any follow up for him or his brand because something Tiger did before everything went to shit, before 2009, he built a really strong, squeaky clean brand. He was adamant about it, that he wanted to live up to everyone's expectations and so he was almost More standoffish than normal and like he didn't do a ton of interviews He didn't say a lot because he's always been the shy kid But he wanted he didn't want to disappoint anyone and he wanted to keep this squeaky clean image again I can't even imagine navigating this brand new territory In this all the being one of the most famous people on the planet not doing it with the person You've known, you know, your best friend your whole life. So, Tiger meets Elin in 2001. She is a beautiful model, past model, and au pair for one of the other golfer's kids. And she's, Also shy. She's not a social elitist. She's not a social butterfly and From everything that I can see she's a kind normal person And he said she kept him grounded through all the craziness I think it was for the best that she wasn't someone who loved red carpets or big parties because they kind of just You know stayed together and did what they had to do, but then lived their own private lives as best they could. So they date and a couple of years later, they end up getting married on October 5th, 2004 in Barbados. He was actually really pissed because they had helicopters and paparazzi were there. And he was like, we had a destination wedding so it could between us and our closest friends and family, not for the whole world to see. Again, shy boy. So he won another Masters in 2005. This is his fourth time winning. And in his speech, he says, he starts to cry. It's actually wicked sad. And he says, my dad is sick and he's been really going through it. And that's why he wasn't there. And he says that every year he wins, he's in his Sunday red. And every year when he wins, he gets off the tournament. And the first thing he does is. Hug his dad. And he can't hug him. And when he gets home, he's going to give him a big hug. And unfortunately, on May 5th, 2006, Earl dies from cancer. And Tiger struggles with this a lot. Probably, honestly, for the rest of his life. But this is a really tough, I mean, of course. And my therapist once told me that The rougher the relationship, sometimes it's actually harder to lose a parent. Because if everything's going well, you don't have to reconcile with not telling them that you love them or not getting something off your chest. All the things left unsaid. Yeah, I mean, he's kind of loses his shit. But the next tournament he wins, He wins and he turns to his longtime caddy and his caddy hugs him and he cries so hard. I cried watching it. He weeps like his full body weeps and then he hugs him for a solid minute and then he goes over to Elin and he hugs her too and he's sobbing and it's it's so hard because During this time he's at the top of his game Career wise he's on top of the world, but mentally he's not Well, and I think that happens a lot. I don't know if you've ever heard, like, when your personal life's going well, your career goes to shit or vice versa. Yeah, there's no even. And he's not doing well. 25 days after he buries his father, he goes to a military base in California to train with Navy SEALs. He starts to do these crazy ass things, like I think it's in search of his dad because his dad was a Green Beret in the military so he starts jumping out of airplanes to see what it'd be like. He starts, I don't know, I think he's trying to connect with his dad in some way and this makes him feel better. I'm sure a therapist could have a field day with this, but he did this SEAL training where they put him in like a fake hostage situation where they put a thing over his head like a hood and then you're given a fake scenario and you take off and you just start shooting. He's doing all this wild shit. I mean, if you're Tiger Woods, fine. So he's really mentally tapped. He can't go anywhere without the frenzy or do anything. He can't be himself anywhere. So he feels, and so where do people go, Colleen, in the US to leave the world behind, spend a shit ton of money and give zero fucks and party all the time. Strip clubs. Las Vegas, baby fair. And so he starts going with Michael Jordan and Charles Barkley to Vegas casual often, and the entire. world is at their disposal. In a way that we could never understand, imagine making over 100 million a year, taking your private jet with your very rich friends who are also famous, going to Vegas and having every casino, hotel woman come up to you and go, what do you need to have the best night of your life? And I will do it. So cool. He's starting to go to Vegas and have anything he wants and anyone he wants, and he sleeps with so many women! Isn't he married? Sure is! Oh. And the thing that Tiger hated most about his father he has now become. Full blown philanderer. He's really trying to just like connect with his father, clearly. Clearly, and he can go, and he's not a prodigy, and there's no golf, and he's not the next Gandhi, and he can just fuck around in Vegas with his friends. Fuck around and find out? Yep. So, Elan and Tiger have a baby girl named Sam, which is really cute because Earl called Tiger Sam all the time. So they had a girl named Sam. How many nicknames does the man have? I mean, he has Tiger and Sam. Okay. No government name involved. No. And in 2009, they have a son named Charlie. So now they have two kids. only thing the public love more than an underdog story is tearing someone down who's at the top of their game and cheater cheater pumpkin eater yeah and so he's done everything in his power up to this point like i said to keep that brand squeaky clean and when people i find that the more elusive people are the more you want to know like the more people will prod which maybe that's why we're over sharers That's fair. People are like, what is going on? They know he's going to Vegas, but everyone in Vegas is keeping their mouths shut, obviously. They want him to keep coming back and spending his money with all of his friends. And so at this point, he just looks like this private person with the wife and the two kids in the picket fence and the best golf career of all time, which means people need to find something wrong. It's a little too perfect. Things are looking a little too perfect. Shit completely hits the fan. This is a fall from grace that I don't think I've ever seen in a human being. Okay. In 2009, the National Enquirer Get a story that Tiger is cheating and there's a restaurant down the street. It's like a diner that him and Elan go to all the time. And there is a waitress hostess named Mindy Lawton, and he, they have evidence that Mindy and Tiger have a very sexual relationship, like they're fucking anywhere. Anytime Elan leaves, they're, they're not even making it to a room. It's like garage car parking lots, like anywhere they can get their hands on each other. And reporters, I cannot even describe to you how much I hate paparazzi. Reporters follow Tiger and Mindy to a church parking lot where they witness them having sex and take pictures of it. In a church parking lot! Tiger! And this is disgusting. But apparently Mindy took out her tampon and threw it out the window. And one of the photographers picks up the used tampon and keeps it to prove that Mindy was there, like pockets it. Like you're going to do a DNA test? I'm sorry, sir. What the? The fuck. And so the National Enquirer calls Tiger's team and they're like, hold off for like a week when you have your period, like not have sex. I'm just wondering. Apparently not for Tiger Woods. You can't. In public, in a church parking lot. Oh, that's, that's true. I keep forgetting Tiger is who he is. I would do anything. Nevermind. If it was a famous person. Take everything I just said back. Yeah. We're also, keep in mind the power dynamic. Yeah. Yeah. Sorry. Sorry. And so Tiger's team gets a call from the National Enquirer. And they go, what's Tiger's relationship with Mindy Lawton, and hang up. And Tiger's team immediately goes in kill the story, kill the story, kill the story mode. They are Olivia Pope, it's handled, kill it, right? And so they decide, because they realize the pictures that they got of them having sex were too blurry, hashtag 2009, and they decide to make a deal. If Tiger Woods agrees to do the cover of Men's Fitness, which is owned by the same company that owns the National Enquirer. They'll do that in exchange for their silence. And so that's exactly what happens. And lo and behold, he is on the cover of Men's Fitness and nothing is printed about Mindy Lawton yet. He starts having knee issues. And he has two fractures in his knee and an ACL tear to the point where, like, he doesn't have an ACL anymore. He gets knee surgery, but he is dead set on breaking specific records. Okay. Especially Jack, the Chicken Caesar rap man. Jack, he really wants to break all of Jack's records. And so in 2008, there's a U. S. Open, and he desperately wants to win it, but he's struggling. In one of the shots, it's jarring. He swings. And as he swings, you can hear the crack in his knee and he outwardly moans. And one of the guys on his team goes up to him and is like, I think you're jeopardizing your entire career here. And he says, fuck you, I'm winning this tournament. He does not have an off button. He does, he does not stop. So he can't swing a club in a chair? No, he can't. He's hobbling around the course, actively limping around this course. You can tell he's in a ton of physical pain. At one swing, he audibly yells. Not even just like, like, like it sounds like he's in a tennis match when they swing the racket and hit. He fucking wins. This man. He has a broken knee. Maybe you should be putting yourself in a tiny little car at church parking lot, Lincoln. Then your knees would be working just fine. Also, stop working with the Navy SEALs. That's true. Stop putting yourself. Yeah, what are we doing? In fake hostage situations. Stop. Yeah, what is happening? Stop doing this to your body. But again, we're using golf to deal with our feelings. Sure. When we need to go to therapy. Not saying I maybe he's in therapy, but he's definitely using right Dear, mr. Woods. I have a few thoughts Then comes Rachel you could tell she ran one of the biggest nightclubs in New York City And this is where celebrities go to pussy pop She has hosted every celebrity under the Sun in her job is when they walk in That they're going to have the best night of their life and she makes it happen. She's like, what do you need? So she, he's at the club one night. He's drinking by himself, not talking to anyone. She's like, hey, you good? You all set? And they get to talking. He asked her for her number and she gives it to him. And as he walks out of the nightclub, he gets into a car, he's not even to the red light at the end of the street before he's like, when can I see you again? So they start sleeping together. And 2009 is a wild year for him because he's living like, they say it's not even one or two different lives, double lives. It's like seven different lives. He's going to Vegas. where he's taking five, six, seven, ten girls at a time, spending six figures on the whole weekend on many women. He's completely out of control. I think it's safe to call this a sex addiction. Then he's going home being the doting father and husband to the two kids and then winning every tournament you throw at him. It's nuts. It's nuts. So the National Enquirer gets wind of Rachel. The National Enquirer. And they start tracking it. They don't post anything, they don't write anything, but they're on it. And they're waiting for the right moment and without realizing this, Tiger goes to the Australian Open and he calls Rachel and he says, I need you here. I can't sleep. I can't win unless you're here. So his team. Not his wife. Not his wife. So his team books her a completely same hotel, but different room, different floor. Okay. And she doesn't know this, and there's video footage of this, the National Enquirer reporter gets in the elevator with her and pretends to get off on the same floor and watches her go to Tiger's room. And she's like, They get a call of like, what do you have to say about this? And Rachel, who is in the documentary, says they tried everything they could. They threw out every threat to kill the story. Anything that they did was just like, nope, we have proof, fuck off. So knowing that it, the story's gonna run, when Tiger gets home, oh, he wins by the way. I'm pretty sure he wins. I wasn't gonna question that or ask. Right. He Elon, listen, This story's gonna run. It's all garbage. I can prove it to you, okay? He calls Rachel and she sits on the phone with Elan for 30 minutes convincing her they're not having sex. That it's not sexual, that they're just friends, whatever. Two days later, it's Thanksgiving. Tiger texts Rachel and says, you know, we have a lot to be grateful for, for getting past all of this without it blowing up in their faces. He says, Something along the lines of, you're the only one I loved. Which is a, is, there's a lot to unpack there. There's a lot, which we're not going to do today. But that's the verbiage he used. And then, he tells her he's going to take an Ambien and go to bed. Because he's having a lot of trouble sleeping, so he starts, and he's had a ton of surgeries at this point, And so it will become clear he also has an opioid addiction. He has a pill addiction. Which with all the pain he's in, makes sense. Not that, I don't condone that of course, but with all the math is mathing. Yes, the math is mathing. And so, she gets a text from him. right after that that says something like, I miss you. When can I see you next? And then her phone starts to ring and she's like, that's so weird. I thought he was going to, I thought he was asleep. So she picks up the phone and she says, Hey babe, I thought you were going to go to sleep. It's Elan. It's not Tiger Woods. And she says, I knew it was you. Imagine, um, I would, I would puke. I think I would puke. If I was on the other line, wait, if you were Elin or if you were Both! If I was on the other line, I would say, you, I will show up on your doorstep, you can beat the shit out of me. Like, I would let you. So she says, I know it was you. I think Rachel says something like, fuck, and then hangs up. And so what happens next? is out of control. Now this is from the New York Post. So take this with a grain of salt. The Tiger Woods cheating scandal comes out, right? So they have the conversation with Rachel. Elin and Rachel have that chat. Tiger's like, okay, we're good. And Elin knows something's not right. And he leaves his cell phone unattended. And so she scrolls through his history and she finds other names and she calls one of them and she leaves a message and she says, you know who this is because you're fucking my husband. So over the next two days, she says nothing. And so that's when he thinks he's good, I guess. That's when he texts her like, we have so much to be grateful for, question mark. But she reads the inquirer's story when he's not looking. And she's completely shooketh by the whole thing. It even goes over like what pet name she has for him. It shows sex between the two of them, texting, sexting between the two of them. And it claimed that Tiger was about to get a divorce. And so that night. I'm sure she's like, oh, but that's news to me. Yep. She waits for her insomniac husband to fall asleep on his pills and she takes his phone and she sees, you're the only one I've ever loved. She sends those texts that were like, I miss you. When can I see you again? Elan sends those to get a reaction. When Rachel hangs up, she flips the fuck out. She wakes up Tiger. Now of course he is. all over the place because he's on Ambien. Yeah. And apparently he tries to grab, he grabs his cell phone and locks himself in the bathroom and he texts Rachel like she knows. He wrote, she knows I'm going to be packing and he told her it looked like a divorce. And so when he finally comes out of the bathroom, she's screaming at him a couple minutes later. She grabs his cell phone and sees divorce and absolutely explodes. She threw. Her, the phone at him, it chipped his tooth. And she should. She pummels his chest, she scratches the shit out of his face. They're wrestling, and she reaches for the nearest weapon, which is a golf club. And she starts to chase him. And he's tearing through the house, like, obviously all fucked up, half asleep, and barefoot. Elon's right behind him, screaming at him. Mind you, his mother is there. Because they were hosting her for Thanksgiving. So, even neighborhoods could hear them yelling. He hops in his Escalade. It's 2. 25 AM. And he goes to pull out of the driveway at 30 miles an hour. And she starts beating the shit out of the car with the golf club. His golf club. His famous golf clubs. And while all of this is happening, he hits a fire hydrant and then smashes into a tree. And it's not pretty. He winds up in the street. He's half unconscious. He's bloody, but he's snoring, but then he's awake, but then he's It's a mess. And the neighbors run over, and they see her with the golf club, and they see all the Escalade's windows smashed out. And she just says, help us. So they call 911. They get him out of there. They find him in the middle of the street. The cops are immediately like, something ain't right. I guess she supposedly told them that he crashed in all of the car, the doors were locked. And so she had to smash the windows to get him out. But the cops are like, uh, this feels like a domestic dispute. All four of them? Question mark? So he's fine. Like he ends up being fine. He obviously was like really shook up. He. He hard stops helping the cops. He will not cooperate. He will, he will not work with them in any way, shape, or form. Got it. Investigators at one point try to subpoena. They're like, we need his records, his, um, health records from the night. Something ain't right. And a judge denies it. So all they charge him with, as far as any slap on the wrist goes, was like driving recklessly, like a 165 ticket or something like that. The National Inquirer running that story, and then this happening a couple days later, and then his silence. Every woman he's hooked up with comes out. And once it was one, it was all. Strippers, porn stars, escorts, and it was like three, and then it was five, and then it was six, and then it was twelve. If there's one, there's thousands. It legitimately was the rat king in New York. Like, it was out of control. The media has a thing. Fucking field day. He's on every nightly news show. He's on every talk show. He is everyone's making fun of him comedians Everyone's taking shots at him people are living for dragging him down in the documentary It said there were more new york post covers about tiger woods cheating than there were about all of 9 11 for some sort of reference. Can America get their shit straight, please? Yeah. Yeah, for real. One woman says it really beautifully because she's talking about like what Tiger's downfall was and she said to be quite honest with you it wasn't the sex. Like it, everyone focused on him being, you know, a serial cheater and philanderer and womanizer or whatever. She was, he made these women fall in love with him. These were, these were not women going on being like, yeah, we fucked one night. These were broken hearted woman who were like, I thought I was the love of his life. Like we cuddled and we held hands and he told me I was the only one for him. It was so much more. than him just screwing around. He does a press conference and he does a full apology to his wife, to his kids, to his family, to his team. The paparazzi, I got to tell you, they're disgusting. And I am not sticking up for Rachel Yucatel in any way, shape or form. She comes out of her apartment. 50 paparazzi are standing outside of her apartment being like, you're a fucking homewrecker. I hope you get AIDS and die. I mean, poor fucking Elan. who's just trying to keep her family together. They're yelling at her, do you forgive him? How do you feel that, you know, it's 14 women now, just yelling shit at them to just get some sort of reaction. He loses his deal with Nike, Gatorade, Gillette. I mean, all of his sponsorships are dropping like flies. And by the end of the month, he's in rehab for sex addiction. Elan ends up moving out. with her kids, they get a divorce, and she leaves with a hundred million in the divorce. And her story is a lot of the times warped as being a gold digger, but she apparently said to one of her friends, no amount of money will put my family back together. Which is just such a sad You can't call her a gold digger. She didn't want any of that to happen. No, she wanted to be with him for the rest of her life. That's how she saw that going. So S T F U. So, Tiger goes into hiding. He stays in his house, he boards up all of his windows, he kind of becomes like a recluse. The paparazzi won't leave him alone, they're, you know, standing outside of his house all hours of the day. There's even helicopters above the house trying to get aerial shots of his home. He takes some time off from golf, but he eventually decides he's going to play in the 2010 Masters, which like, I, this man just does not have an off button. Like there's no other way to, I think, I think again, this is his only salvation, like his whole life. This is the one thing that he can count on that he's always been good at. And if he's going to be shitty at everything else, he might as well be good at this. He no longer has the image, he no longer has the wife. No, he's lost everything other than golf. He has no dad. Nope. He's lost everything except for golf. And the day before the masters, the chairman of the masters comes out and does like a press conference and they called it a quote, public whipping. And they were, he was like, our hero has let us down. He did not live up to our expectations. His behavior is abhorrent, like all this stuff, mind you, if they did that for every professional athlete who cheated on their wife, there would be press conferences every goddamn day. Who are you? This is the most prestigious tournament there is. This is not the place and you are not the person, my guy. But I think they felt like they had to say something because it was all over the place, but you don't get to publicly criticize. I don't know. It just didn't, it did not go over well. Like, you don't need to acknowledge it, but Tiger goes and it's really sad in one of his interviews He's like it would be nice to hear a few claps because he's just expecting everyone to rip into him in public Under all that scrutiny and that pressure. I can't even imagine he comes in fourth place. He's pissed about it. He's not happy at all he He just tried to solve his problems with golf, and it just did not work. After the Masters, he takes a breather. He deals with some of his injuries. He starts cutting people out of his life, like his longtime caddie, the one he hugged. After the tournament when he, he just fires him. He was the best man at this guy's wedding. Uh, he, there's another woman in the documentary who's a long time friend. He stops answering her phone calls and has not spoken to her since. He just kind of cuts everyone out of his life. Interesting. Skip to 2013. So three years later. Tiger is playing again. He starts to win some. Nike comes back with him, and they come out with an ad that says, quote, winning takes care of everything. Which, like, Nike. Please. Please. You're scraping. He's on a bit of a hot streak, but now his body is fully rebelling against him. He is in a tournament, he swings, and he's in so much pain he actually falls to his knees. He's in so much pain. Which, he played a whole Masters and won with a broken leg, essentially. So imagine the pain he's in if it's that visible. Call me. I mean, I might just not be using my brain, but like, what's wrong with him? Like he doesn't, it's like he's running like what? No, I know. But there's a lot. There's a lot. If you see how much the joints take in golf with all the swinging, there's a lot happening. He also is fucking playing G. I. Joe on the side. Apparently there was this time where. He was playing with his kids and he swung in his back spasm so bad his little kid his little daughter had to call for help Because he couldn't get up like he's he is going through it and his mental toughness that he always has He's in a tournament and he just can't fake. He can't come back from it. He's not confident. He's all over the place At this point, he's had three back operations on top of the knee stuff. It's not looking good. So in 2017, he pulls out of the Masters. That is like, can you ever imagine Tom Brady pulling out of a Super Bowl? No, of course not. He would never do that to us. And that's when you know Tiger is struggling. And there's a champion's dinner and they all, all the old winners go with their green jackets no matter what age they are and it's the night before it starts and people said they could physically see how much pain he was just sitting in a chair. And he basically said to one of the guys, my career is over, like this is it. And he's in his 40s and his dream of being the GOAT is slipping away to him. And then he gets to know you. I. Colleen. Please. He gets pulled over. He's got Xanax, opioids, painkillers, all in his system. They make him do the DUI test. He can't speak English. It's so hard to watch. They put him in a holding cell and watching this man, this man who is considered the god of the sport, bigger than life, the next messiah, watching him. I would have never let this happen. He can't even open his eyes. That's how fucked up he is. And he's sitting in a chair and he's leaning his head against the wall. It's so painful to watch. It actually broke my heart to watch it because you can just see this like very broken down man who desperately needs help and is not getting it. The public are still absolutely coming from him. They don't feel bad for him. They do not feel bad for him after the OUI. No. They're like, he should retire tomorrow. His career is over. There's no coming back from this. That's it. Tiger Woods is over. So he goes to rehab and he does the work. He gets clean and he gets healthy and he gets this back fusion surgery and he can function without pain. He said, I started to feel like myself again. He goes, I can bend over and rotate without pain. Well, what's that like? Colleen! No! Not like that, but, you know. His kids had only ever seen him essentially vertical and in a ton of pain and he's able to actually do normal things. He couldn't even get around the house, like he needed help getting around the house. So he starts going back to the golf course and he starts to piece together his golf swing from the ground up over and over and over again. And he practices all the time and he crawls out of addiction, the sexual kind and the drug kind, and the whole That was all of his pain. And he just goes back to the thing that he does best. And 301 days away from golf, he goes back and plays competitively again. And he starts to have fun on the course. And you can see him. He basically says like, I lost all joy in it. And you can see videos of him. He's laughing. He's joking around, which he was so focused and intense. He never did that before. He talks to his competitors and he starts to embrace them as friends versus like, these are my competitors and I must tear them down and eviscerate them. He sees them as friends. He connects with his fans in a way he usually didn't. You can tell he just has this sense of gratitude that he's even standing on his two feet without pain, let alone being back in the game that he loves so much. So now we're in 2019. We're back at the Masters. The first time he won was 22 years earlier. And the last time he won was 11 years ago. And the odds of him winning are not great. With all of his injuries, people are counting him out. Also, the guys he's competing with are people who have not as many injuries, have not taken the time off, they're in their prime because they're much younger, and they're the people who watched Tiger, who got inspired by Tiger to play golf. And all of a sudden he's just here. And he's in his 40s. And with all of this crap and they may not have had time off, but Tiger knows this course better than anyone else. And so he comes out and he's doing good. He's being Tiger. So he's great, but he's not in the lead. He's not like, you know, demolishing anyone. And on. The Sunday, right? So like I was saying, Thursday, Friday, they cut it in half, and then Saturday, Sunday are like the big days. On the Sunday, they're on the back nine, which are notoriously the most difficult holes of the course. Okay. And he's playing against this guy, Molinari, and he's three ahead of Tiger. Like I was saying earlier, that's huge. Because it doesn't sound like a lot, but that means you have to be on your A game, And hitting, scoring under par, and the guy who's winning has to fuck up. So that's like, that's a lot. Molinari on hole 13 hits it into the water. And Aaron said, in Tiger's eyes, you could see the shift. And he became a man on a mission. And Aaron was like, we were watching as a group, and we were all like, Oh my god, Tiger's gonna win this. Like, something is happening. At the 15th hole, they tie, and he gets into the lead, and by the end of the 16th hole, people are realizing they are about to watch one of the greatest comebacks in the history of sports. And even his competitors were like, once we realized we weren't going to win, we were just taking a step back and fangirling of like, oh my god, it's him, like Tiger, and he fucking wins! Tiger wins! He's back baby. I cannot. Backstreet's back. How fucking cool is that? Oh it's a blazer, I love that for him. Yeah. I was picturing like a big, I was picturing like a big. No it's a blazer. Cute. So I'll post the video that we just watched but, um, What's so beautiful about it is when he wins, the crowd, of course, goes absolutely nuts and he pumps his arm in the air and it's this amazing moment and he's in his Sunday Red and he, you know, his dad has passed away and his mom's on the sideline and he, Charlie is there, his son, and they have him in Sunday Red, too, and they hug, and it's so cute, and Aaron's dead. She goes, I wept when he won. Obviously. Naturally. I mean, if you, if you understand the rise and fall, how could you not? So this man, after everything he had been through from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows in front of the whole world is the GOAT. And he has won five masters, 82 PGA events, which is more than any other human. So many. In 15 majors. He was inducted into the Hall of Fame in 2022, and his daughter, Sam, did a speech. It's absolutely beautiful. Please Google it. And she says, I inducted you into the Dad Hall of Fame a long time ago, but today I'm so proud to present my dad, Tiger Woods, into the World Golf Hall of Fame. His son, Charlie, is actually a golfer now and is apparently pretty good. Uh, him and Elan have a great relationship. Some say they're best friends. I think that's a little strong. I think that's strong. How big of her? I mean, yeah, they're, I guess they co parent very, very well. I mean, you have to, you know. Weirdly, and there's not a lot about this, Tiger got into a really bad car accident about two, three ish years ago. He nearly lost his leg. Can this man figure it out? I know, I know, I know. And he recovered, but they didn't know if he would ever walk again, but classic Tiger, he was walking a few months later. And so, this weekend is the masters. So when this comes out, it will already happened. And Aaron said he has never missed the qualifier for the masters. And when they cut half the field, he has always made it. And they, they'll, who knows? Who knows? It's Tiger. Who knows what could happen. Oh, is he trying? He ain't giving up. It's tiger. Okay. Right, you're right. And if I've learned anything about Tiger at this point is that you never bet against him unless you are very, very stupid. And any single person who has tried to bet against him, he's used that as fuel to win and then wins. He's a very complex. Human. And what I, one of my biggest takeaways is even the ex lovers, the mistresses, the ex friends, not one person has a bad thing to say about him. Um, they love him so much, even the way his daughter talks about him, the way his friends and family, they love him so, so much. And he's like this nerd, like he loves Marvel movies and DC comics and he goes to Comic Con and he's like a gamer and he's this shy boy who's a savant. Like it's just doesn't, it's crazy. He just makes the poor decisions, okay? He's not well. No, he just didn't. He grew up. I'm not making excuses for him. No, but all these people judging him probably, like you've made bad decisions too. Yeah. And I think what's really hard is someone like Tiger, they're waiting for him to fail. And the moment he does, they stomp on it. And he didn't just fail. He royally fucked up, like royally made his life and his family's life a living hell. And his name will always be attached to that. But he put golf on the map. He the reason why people make the amount of money they do now, and the reason why golfers are millionaires. is because of Tiger Woods. He's the goat. And that is the story of the rise, the fall and the comeback of Tiger Woods. And we shall see. And we shall see what he does this weekend. We'll give an update next weekend. I'll call Erin. I'll be like, Hey, what happened? What's the date? Maybe I'll watch it. Who knows? I feel invested. Yeah. I didn't know any of that. I knew we'd never done a sports one. No. So when she said that, I was like, but I was like, Ooh, intrigue, goss, scandal, goat status. And then when I started, so I said to Colleen earlier when she got here, I was like, I picked a topic. And at first I was like, yeah, fine. Okay. Okay. Okay. I could run through a wall. Like, I could Kool Aid man through a wall after watching him do that. Damn. I'll watch it. Okay, great. Not the Masters, but the doc probably. The HBO doc. Yeah. Let's play a funny game. I need some giggles. Okay, you want a giggle? I can provide ze giggle. So, obviously, like, I get everything and anything from TikTok. Um, and I'm sure you've seen the, as we discussed earlier, Hear Me Out. Yes. Please explain to the people if they don't have TikTok. Basically, like, Hear Me Out, like, People who are for no reason attractive that should, like, aren't normal, like, you wouldn't normally find attractive. It's like, okay, like, hear me out. This person is attractive. Yeah, if you were gonna explain it to your friend and it would be out of pocket, you'd go, Wait, hear me out. And then you would explain why, but there is no explanation. And so people are just uploading pictures and saying, hear me out. People are out of control. I have been dying laughing. No, but like, majority of them, I'm like, that is absurd, but I agree. Yes, you know, you're like wow weirdly. Yes. Someone put a friendlies ice cream the one with one of the faces on it Like when they dress up gang like the Monster Mash one. Yeah I'm like, gang, we need to seek some help. I have no qualms about that. I went recently. It like changed the game for me. Oh, friendlies. Oh, you went with Fiona, right? I did. One time I went like a couple of years ago from Brianna and we just like randomly like, something happened to us. I'm like, we were getting everything on the menu. Like she got clam strips. No one needs to get clam strips. And friendlies? No one needs to get clam strips. In fact, I got a hot dog. That makes sense. The other day. That makes sense. And also it was like, God Was it five dollars? Was on our side. Yeah. Um, God was on our side because we literally went to just get ice cream at the window and then we ended up sitting down and then also gotting Diet Cokes and then also getting food and then also getting ice cream. But when she came over, I was like, Oh, the hot dogs. Two hot dogs came. Um, like with the entree, like it's two of them. So me and Fiona each had one. Oh, it was so magical. It was, it was so good. Fiona got ice cream to go too. Lady and the Tramp hot dog moment. I might've stolen the cup. It was such a good cup. For soda cup. It was so good. Yeah. Zachariah does a whole thing about friendlies, about how that's where you went. Like when you're high school, when you were down bad in high school and you all needed to eat or not bad down good. But do you know what I mean? That's the whole point is like, it was for everything like your family. It was a birthday party. You were down bad, breakup, new boyfriend. It was the place that you went. The only place that inflation has not affected is friendlies ice cream. That is fair. They're just closing left and right. But also, you know, that you Another thing is like, you can pass a building and you'll know that was a fucking friendlies. Yeah, it's very clear. Also the sign. You're like, that was a friendlies ice cream sign. Oh, 100%. Yeah, there's one, there was my town that like I grew up in does not, mind you, does not have a grocery store like that small. Sorry? Yeah, we don't have a grocery store, but we have three Dunkin Donuts and three dollar stores. Adds up. So, but we did have a friendlies. At one point. God bless. Now it's a temple of some sort, but it's weird to see that as, like, you see, it is a friendlies, you know what I mean? Like, it still looks like a fucking friendlies, but inside it's like a place of worship. It's like, what the fuck's going on? Friendlies is my place of worship, so that makes sense. It's disrespectful to me. Happy for them, but you know. God bless. Anyway. Anyways, I have a couple things that you can obviously add on in. A couple tings, a couple thoughts. Okay. So, hear me out. Thomas O'Malley of the Alley Cat. Bye. I knew you were going to say Aristocats, because that's your favorite Disney movie. I know, but him? Like, he is, he's just got some swagger. Have you ever heard him talk? BDE? Yes. I'm so mad. Have you ever heard him talk? Come on, think about it. Not since 1997, I don't think. Just give it, just listen to it for a second. Listen to him talk. Okay, he's got that deep tone to him. Abraham DeLacy, Giuseppe Casey, Thomas O'Malley. That's his full name. Okay, thank you. All right, Thomas O'Malley. And he has BDE if he was a human and not a cat. Cool. Because that would be, what's the word for sex with animals? Bad word. Furry. No, anyone can be a furry these days. Bestiality. Bestiality is not cute. No, it's not. No, we have always said that for the record. This podcast has always been against bestiality. We don't sponsor. We do not sponsor. We are not sponsored. Um, which brings me to Kovu from Lion King 2. Okay. Uh, what in the good Lord? Let me look it up. Okay. There's. Definitely a faux hawk situation. You gotta listen to him talk. It's just something about him. So it's just a deep voice? Is that what I'm getting? No, it's like a, I don't know how to explain it. It's just an energy. Which also likes Scar. Come on. I mean, you've always been, you love a good villain. Simba's pride? Is that Simba's pride? Yeah, Simba's pride. Oh, do they fall in love? They're not related, obviously, because we're not into incest here either. No, this podcast does not support incest either. It's giving an angsty teenager. Yeah. Okay, got it. So, understood. He was a sexual awakening of mine. 1998, I'm one. Okay, great. I'm just kidding. Hades. Oh. You have to agree with that. I think Hades is my favorite villain. Outside of Ursula, because I love Ursula. I pour unfortunate souls and it's based off a drag queen. So, obviously, I'm obsessed. Hades. That level of sarcasm and quick wit, love Hades. Genie too, that falls in love with Genie for me. Even though he's not a villain. Genie's not a villain, I mean villain only. But yeah, we love Genie, we love. We love Genie. I would play Genie on Broadway if I could. That would be a good one for you. He has such a fun role. He, they did, um, I don't know what the name of the song is, but his song, you know the one. Friend Like Me? Yes, thank you. Jesus Christ, am I right? At, um, Disney on Ice, and I, the pussy was popping. Yeah, nothing gets the pussy popping like Friend Like Me. Sal from Impractical Jokers. Hear me the fuck out, something, something about him. That does not surprise me at all, based off of your type. in men that are Italian beers. And I don't mean beers like drinking beers. I mean a bear, like how the gay community talks about a certain man. Oh, it's giving Italian bear and he's, Oh my God. That's so funny. Okay. Sure. Mater from Cars. Get out of my apartment right now. Get out. See yourself out. Mater has like one tooth. So he can like suck on it. I don't know. No! That was the most upsetting thing you've ever said to me. Sorry, he has two buck teeth. Oh no, Colleen, he's so rusty in his accent. Good lord. Mater! I have to listen to him. Colleen! Look it, he's a helpful, kind man. I cannot, okay? Are you standing by this? Sure. Jesus. Pennywise. Colleen, you know what? Kudos. Kudos for spilling. This one you will understand, but people in my generation will. Okay, I'm not that much fucking older than you, you bitch. Okay, I'm gonna say it, but I have no idea what that is. Sure. Danny Phantom? I don't know who that is. Exactly, look him up. Damn it. I wanted to prove you wrong. It was a Nickelodeon show, like kind of along the lines of Oh, I know who that is! Yeah. Of course I know Okay, I agree with that. Yeah. I agree with that. Thanks. Yep. Shaggy, but specifically No, specifically, Spooky Island Shaggy from Scooby Doo. What? On, oh, because that's the bad guy from Scream. Yeah, but he's not the really hot one in Scream. The other one is. Okay, well, understood. Live action Peter Pan, Peter Pan. He looks like a girl to me. Oh, no. Which there's nothing wrong with that. He's a very pretty boy, I guess is what I'm trying to say. No, like when we were watching it, when we were also that age, that was like, Oh my God, men don't look like that. Like, that's crazy. No, they don't. Women do. No, I'm telling you no, he's a very pretty boy. Like he has, I say all the time. His features aren't real. No. Like his balls definitely hadn't dropped in that one either yet. But like he, that's why he's so pretty, you know what I mean? Like he hasn't hit the ugly face. Sure. But like at the time I was the same age, so it was fine. But it's on the list of, again, like I talk about all the time, the awakening. That's someone who doesn't have an ugly face. Correct. He's a child. Like, let's get real. At the time when I thought that, I was also a child. Right. Totally. I could beat the shit out of him now. For sure. I don't know, Colleen. Back in the day. You're pretty short. I'm stout. Built like a fight hydrant and proud of it. I got tree trunk legs. You know, wide back, low ass crack. Trust me, when I, when I get a hold of you, You would slap someone in the face and immediately burst into tears. No, that's not true. Colleen. I would just sit on them and they wouldn't be able to move. And then you would be like, Oh my God, I'm so sorry. Are you mad at me? Well, if they deserved it. No, you, you would get scrappy if it was deserved. I just mean in general. Slenderman. Colleen. Oh God. Can we not do serial killers? Do we think? Even fictional ones. I think that's the last one on here. Wait, sorry. I saw one that had me losing my mind because it was so out of pocket. Picture me scrolling over, right? It's um, Mama Odie. From Princess and the Frog. And it's just her face like this. I lost my mind. Okay, I'm surprised you didn't say the voodoo man. Oh, he's on there, but I think I did too many villains. So I Oh, you had to spice it up. Yeah, I had to spice it up. Because I could go on for days. You know mine's Casper. Yes. See, I never felt that way about Casper. Oh my god. Casper. I felt, I felt things about Casper, especially when he turned into a boy. I was not well. I mean, all the princes, I mean, I don't have any weird, like, I'll, I'm sure Why was I never attracted to the princes? That makes so much sense to me. Like, what's wrong with me? I was, I like, yes to Shrek, but like, never to like Prince Charming. Prince Eric didn't care. She comes over today. And she's walking on my walkie pad going, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe. And I'm like, where is the Adderall again? Where did you, where did you place that? I actually have to find it. I don't know where it is. One of my friends was having You don't read your text messages. No, I really don't. My issue is, is like, I will, I know I'm getting them, but like, I'll see them at the top. So I like, know they're not like urgent. You know what I mean? Like I do the same thing with my emails. Like I'll read it and like maybe put it as unread and like, Oh, I can get back to that later. That's wild because you're someone who texts. Thoughts like separate thoughts like so you'll text eight things in a row. Yeah, so the other day I opened my phone I had 20 messages and they were from Colleen in a personal message and in two group messages And I was like, what what is happening and they were about four different topics For example, like right now if I got a text message from a group message said OMG guys, I immediately would open it But like, cause it's at the top of my phone. Right. But if it was like If you're distracted in the middle of the day It's like, I don't care. Unless I see something that's like high importance, like I wish you could put a text message that's high importance, you know? Yeah. But you can't. And if you look at it and you want to come back to it, like I'm someone who looks just to shut the notification off, but then I forget. Oh, see I don't do that cause my reds are on. Oh, they are. I just straight up will just look at them. Got it. And if it's longer, if it's longer and I'm curious, I'll open it. Okay, got it. So I knew I had a bunch of texts in like one of my group messages, but I also was driving to work. When I'm driving to work, sometimes I'll send TikToks, but I won't read the texts from before because I'm just like. Know what I mean? Like, I won't read the text before I send what I want to send. Like, I don't give a fuck, I'll just send it. So I had screen recorded, cause that's the vibe I had in the morning. I was literally driving to work, screen recording the whole scene of like, Ah! Believe! From Shrek. I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe! From Shrek, cause it was in my head, and I was like, Oh my god, I just have to share this. It's a great version, in your defense. Oh, 100%. What's the thing they do at the beginning when they're like, Oi, oi! You know what I'm talking about? Yeah. Yeah, cause you always do that. That's why I was thinking about it. Yeah, they go, I thought love was all untrue in fairy tales. Bum, bum, bum. Oh, yes, yes, yes. That's what it is. And I was like, got to send this. So I send it to like three different group messages, including you guys being like. You all knew this vibe this morning, I just know it. Whatever, just wanted to share it with the world. Unlock a memory, if you will. My group message had texted one of my friends is having a family member that is essentially dying. An older member of the family. An older member of the family is essentially dying and I did not see those texts. So everyone's sending their usual, being like, OMG, so sorry to hear, prayers, blah, blah, blah. And I'm sending Come out of pocket with a screen recording from the end of Shrek and what did you follow up with Colleen? I said, I hope sis finds peace. Prayers up. Like what the fuck is wrong with me actually. Prayers up. Be, be fucking for real Colleen. Prayers up everybody. Prayers up. Hope sis finds peace, but then someone made a joke about the Golden Gate So we're fine, but either way like just What's wrong with me? Maybe read text before you send Shrek screen recordings. For sure, for sure. Billy Butcherson Okay, we saw that one coming. We saw that one coming. John Taffer. John Taffer. From Bar Rescue? Oh my god! No. No, yeah. You want him to yell at you. Yeah, I do. I do. But not really, because you would cry. I want him to throw bar glasses over my head. This is trash! Smokey the Bear. Only you could prevent wildfires. Oh my god! Smokey the fucking bear! Also, randomly, Johnny Rose. Don't know why. Definitely Johnny Rose. But like, respectfully. Yeah, definitely David too. No, I don't feel that way about David. I love David. I just feel like he would, like, never be happy with my performance. I think you guys would be hilarious together. That's fair. We would vibe. You would vibe. Mr. Clean. Definitely. Definitely. If bald men are your thing, we have a man for you. And I have one that is expected. Obviously, Shrek was expected, but Paul Barton Monclop, on his, uh, Stop. Segway. Don't. Get the fuck out of here. Imagine sharing a segway with him. My bestie Hilary sent me a video, and it was like new Ick Unlocked, and it was a man at a pool bar. Who had two drinks in his hand so he can't he's in the pool so he can't swim. And so I think it was too deep for him to walk. So he was using his legs to propel him. I'm sick. And they were going out to the side, almost like a frog, but you could see them. Like the breaststroke. Yes, but without his arms because his two arms were in the air holding the drinks. It is. The most upsetting video. I was like, oh, even if that man is buying me a drink, none of those drinks is for me. Done. No drown him. I can't, we can't come back from this. Last, last but not least. I saw one sloth from the Goonies. Hear me out. Oh my God. What a list. Yeah. I hope you all, I hope some people agreed, you know? That was wild. A roller coaster. I would expect nothing less from you, Colleen. Thank you so much. All right, everyone. That is our episode. We hope you have a wonderful week. We hope you channel the good things about Tiger Woods and maybe leave some of the bad and also go to therapy because your parents are going to fuck you up and you should just deal with that and not cover it with golf and women in Vegas. Turns out, but you can come back. Be inspired to bounce back. This is making me want to die. I know, me too. Or don't, honestly. Stay in your hole. I don't fucking know. Become a recluse. Do nothing with your life. It's up to you, honestly. You have the choice. Okay, love you, mean it. Love you, mean it. Bye! Fuck you, Phil.

Bridget: 1:44:35

This podcast was produced by me. Bridget, Shannon. Music is written and performed by Matt You can find his band super Stoker anywhere you listen to music.