Last One to the Louvre is a Rotten Baguette!!!

On this week's episode,  Colleen has her first cavity and Bridget had spicy pits in a parking garage. Then we get into the topic of the week… TV/MOVIE REVIEWS. We review each other’s favorite movies and tv shows from the 90’s and 00’s like Secret Life of the American Teenager, 7th Heaven, Camp Rock, Passport to Paris and Bridget FINALLY watched Sleepover! This one had us nearly peeing our pants laughing so get ready to get sauced like Aunt Julie because you’re in for a real treat! #JUSTICEFORYANCY #RuthieIsASlay

Review and subscribe! You can find us on Instagram @Sippinwiththeshannons or send us your stories at Sippinwiththeshannons@gmail.com. Love you, mean it.

Transcript

0:24

Wait, still not past it? Do you know what I've had in my head all day today? Tell me like, you know, I always have a check of some sort. Sure. Mine today is. Anything from the trolley? I don't know, all day today. Uh, anything from the trolley, dear? What does he say? What's the frog? Chocolate frogs. And there's something else. Well, Ron, which movie are you talking about? Because Ron goes to get something and he's like, I'm alright. Oh, that's true. No, I'm thinking of the one where he's like, Oh, get the law. Oh, no. Pumpkin Pasty. She says that. Oh, Cho Chang. The fourth one. Yes, it says, I'll have some pumpkin pasties, please. Pass it, please. Cool. Glad we just had that. Very cute. That my brain just went, you know, how's it going? I'm all right. How are ya? I swear to God it's the weather with us. Why? Because over the last couple of weeks, we've actually been responding like, good! Really? You would notice I would not notice? Yes, I swear to God it's the weather. Seasonal depression is shedding off my shoulders. I feel like a bird being hatched. Oh! A phoenix rises from the flames. Ashes? Yeah, yeah, whatever. Whatever. Whatever it is that he does. Yeah, I'm alive. You know, what's new? Do you usually talk about our weekends before after the intro I forget it depends, okay Would you prefer I just go right into the intro? I have no preference. Okay. Hi everyone. Who am I to be picky? Hey, welcome to this week's episode of sipping with the Shannon's. We're cousins and each week we sit down we sip on some wine We talk some shit. We have a good giggle. I am Bridget Shannon, and I'm Colleen Shannon How was your weekend? Tell us everything. And I know I say this all the time, but this time I truly, if there was ever a time to truly mean this more, it is today. You didn't do anything. I rotted like I've never rotted before, but not the kind of rot that you would like. It was this. I didn't even turn on the TV type of a rod. Like something came over my soul. Yeah, what's happening with all the sleeping? I'm starting to get a little I'm fine today. I'm fine today. You feel totally fine? Yeah. Maybe you just run down. I was supposed to get up for a workout this morning. I didn't, but it's fine. Colleen's been sleeping like an exceptional amount. Yeah, so this weird thing, I'm not a napper, unless I'm like wicked hungover, like, and I need, I can't open my eyes, like, that's the only time I would like quote unquote nap, but really I'm just like picking up on my sleep because I probably didn't sleep the night before. Well, you've been napping more because you get up at 5 a. m. to work out, like a real psycho. But no, that's not like normal people do that, we just, we just. We just aren't those people. That's just us. We're not normal. Yeah, yeah, you're right. It's just, it's not us. That's just not our vibe. That's not who we are. But since you've been doing that, you've been napping more, which makes total sense. Yeah, like when, well, when we record, I come and I'm like, sometimes I just need to rest my eyes for five seconds before we like Yeah, and I love that. I love that you need to just have a mow. Yeah, and I took, I didn't work on Saturday because I was like, fuck it, I need a day. And I got up, like did my thing in the morning, like ran a few errands, and then I came home at one and I just like sat on the couch. I woke up at 6. 30 PM on the couch, in the dark. Yeah, what in the world? That is so out of pocket for me and I didn't go out either. Like I didn't even have the Like I felt like a cloud. Like I was like, I don't. You needed it. You just needed a night girlfriend. And then I went to bed and then I woke up and I was tired again. And I was like, what the fuck? And then same thing proceeded with my day, went to Walmart where I feel most at home. And, then I went to work because what the fuck else do I do with my time? And, um, I was, I'm still like a groggy mess. And you don't feel sick? No, no. And then on Monday I came home, I went to work like I normally would. And then on the way home I was like, holy shit, I'm so tired. And then I got home at like 536, sat on the couch, didn't even turn on the TV, didn't even look at my phone, came out of whatever state I was in. Like I could hear Fiona and Aaron talking. They were really scared of me. And I really like came to at 9 30. Isn't that fucking crazy? Yeah. Wait, that was last night. Yes, it was. Holy shit, that was last night. Unless you're just depressed. It could be a mix of both. It could be a couple things. I could give you a list of things it possibly could be, but will I actively try to fix any of those? No, of course not. Because why would I do that? Oh, God. Nevertheless, we persist. A couple things, though. I do have notes. Great. I think I have my first cavity ever. Oh, a toothache? Fucking aches. So, I have my teeth sealed. Yeah, so like I don't like I don't not to be like I got my teeth sealed But like I've just I've never had a tooth issue like I don't know in the Irish like quote unquote like have soft teeth or whatever So like we have are more perceptible perceptible susceptible to issues. I don't know what's wrong with me And I had my friend who's a dental hygienist I said, I think I have a cavity and she said okay sis pops out with like the glasses with the light on it and Start just immediately looks and goes. Oh, yeah, it's right at the line of your ceiling. Like you definitely have a cavity I'm like cool great. I haven't been able to drink any water on that side of my mouth Yeah, you gotta go get that checked out. So this is Okay, this is something, truly, you know how earlier you were just like, if there's any time to say this, this is it. You know how when something is wrong with your car and you just turn up the volume and hope it goes away? Like right now? Yeah. So, with teeth, you cannot fuck around with teeth. Like, you have to go this week or next week. Yes. Do you want me to call? No, I can call because it's her. Like, I just have to go to her. Okay. Okay. So that's fine. Because I know how sometimes you don't like making the initial appointment. So I said to her, actually on my reminders on my phone screen today, it literally says all doctor's appointments because I need to make an eye doctor appointment too as well. And I was going to text you for your chiropractor if that's okay. Yeah, of course. Anyhow, sorry. Yeah, she's, I, She knows me. So I said, realistically, give me a timeline here, how long do I have before I have to deal with that? And she was like, Asap Rocky. She didn't say Asap Rocky. She was like, it's not going to get any worse than it is right now. But it's not going to feel better. Yeah. Why would you delay feeling It definitely doesn't affect my day to day at all. You literally just said I can't drink water or liquids on that side of my face. Correct. But I don't notice it. I just subconsciously do it because I know that I can feel it. It feels like it's like a nerve, you know? It's incredibly sensitive. And Sensodyne ain't working. Yeah. I can tell you that for sure. Oh my god, I tried to use mouthwash, I literally blacked out because it like went into my cracks and crevices. Yeah. Also, people with mouthwash every day? Are you okay? I do it at night. It's so spicy. Yeah. It doesn't feel that way if you do it often. Did you know that growing up, we had like the weird brown mouthwash because it didn't have alcohol in it because my dad's an ex alcoholic. Oh. And then I always wondered why we had that kind and then I was like, oh, That's so interesting. Yeah. I was like, why did my parents have the gross brown one? And then I would go and everyone else has these cool cinnamon ones and the cool blue ones. Alcoholism. My dad was recovering too. And I, we never did. My mother loved mouthwash, but my dad wasn't a big, but they just had the blue, you know, the, the one that looks like Yeah, yeah, the classic. Yeah, the classic blue. Yeah. Well, my dad has now has dentures. So apparently he's not working, using them either Have you not seen my massive jug of mouthwash underneath my sink? No, I've never looked under your sink. As nosy as I am, never looked under your sink. That's actually really weird. I figured you've looked in all of my drawers at this point. No, not No, not unless. I mean that very sincerely No, not unless. I was looking for toilet paper or something, but like, I probably would've just left it empty. So let's get real. But the toilet paper thing's in the holder, like it's in front of you. Right. But if, what if I ran out? Like where would I look for it? Under the sink. That's where anyone wanna go? No. There's three rolls always stacked underneath the actual toilet paper. Oh, never. You don't have to look anywhere. I've never looked down. Sorry, Colleen. It's literally transparent. You can't go into the bathroom without seeing it. It's a stand. It's an open stand. Yeah, I don't know. I use a lot of toilet paper also. I don't know if you've noticed that. Aaron and Fiona give me shit all the time. They're like, what the fuck? I'm like, sorry, just gotta wipe the poussoir. I can't have no drippage. Oh my god, I have to tell you this. So, A Court of Thrones and Roses has completely taken over my life. ACOTAR, and that's what they call it on BookTok, don't come for me. ACOTAR has Taken over my life. I can't stop reading it. I got so obsessed with it. Now I'm reading other Sarah J Maas books because she has three different series. So I just finished Throne of Glass. There's no better feeling than finding a book that you like and it's a series and there's multiple other series like Colleen I finished eight books Throne of Glass. I mean what else suits you? For real, Agatha is 5, Throne of Glass is 8. I have read all of them multiple times. That is 13 books in 2 months. What is happening to me? I have, I have suction cupped myself to this woman's writing. I can't stop. So I was like, Bridget, you just finished 8 books. in like two weeks, take a motherfucking breather. Like we need to take a minute. How does this correlate with toilet paper? Because I'm watching Baby Reindeer right now. I was going to bring that up. Okay. Oh my God. So I started watching it and there is this part. Have you watched any of the episodes? No, I meant to start it, but I was unwell, clearly. Okay. There was things I meant to watch and I never got to them this weekend. Pulling myself out of the agitar sphere, I put on Baby Reindeer and If you haven't seen it, I won't spoil anything. All I'll say is it's about a comedian who is a bartender and he lives in London. So he, like, works at the bar during the day and he's a comedian at night and he's trying to make it. And the guy who produced it, this is a true story, it actually happened to him. So he's replaying what happened to him, which is crazy. And he gets a female stalker. This woman starts stalking him. And she somehow, I won't give anything away, but she gets his email and she starts emailing him over and over, like hundreds a day. And one of the emails says this, and I, I died, it says, and stalking's not funny, it's actually, she's very scary, but it says, quote, coffee fun times, oh yes. I almost bought a thong for you when I thought, Who am I, 16? Didn't need that thing riding up me gash, Splitting me in two. Up me gash. Up me gash. See, it's like not a splitting in two, it's swallowed whole. That's And I was like, gash is such a grotesque. Like, I know we say poussoir. I think that sounds like fun and fancy and fresh. Oh, I think we sound so classy when we say poussoir. Gash. I was friends with a guy in high school that literally called a vagina a stench trench, so that's why I'm at. Oh, no! A what? A stench trench. And we're still friends, but not the point. Oh my god, a stench trench? I hate that. So much. A gash. A gash. That's a lot. Just splitting me in two. I hate that I'm picturing that person, that actress, in that state. Like, please. A friend had texted me about it because we were all being like, why has he not said just fuck off? I think, uh, she's like, she's actually angering me. Like she's actually pissing me off. There are a few times when you watch him. About to tell her to fuck off. Yeah, he's just a nice man, I guess. And he's trying to be polite. And then every moment he's polite, it adds, it goes downhill so fast. I haven't watched, but I've. Oh my god, she's scary. Yeah, Martha's scary. Of course the stalker's name is Martha. Stalkers are fucking, she's so, so unwell. That is clear. But yeah, I, I LOL'd at that specific email. And then, LOL. All of the misspelled words too in her emails and how often they are a day And he follows her what it's just I need you to watch it and then we can discuss. Okay, I'll give it a watch I will okay. Anyway, you use a lot of toilet paper which reminded me of this woman's gash So I do use a lot of toilet paper. I don't remember where I was going before that But I do have my first cavity TBD on there. Yeah. You need to go get that taken care of ASAP. Yeah. Erin's like, what if you need a root canal? I'm like, get away from me. I don't need a root canal. No, it's just, it's just a cavity. It will, sounds like not get worse, but it certainly will not get better and it will not feel better until you take care of it. Gorgeous. I've never, like, do I have to get a Novocaine? I've never had it before. Do I have to or do I get like the giggle gas or whatever? I think Do they put you under? No! It's a cavity! I don't know what that means! It's not a surgery! Do they just like put something on it? Like I don't understand what a cavity is. I think you should ask. Okay. Your dentist. Okay. About the procedures that will take place. You will be fine. So I've never actually seen the dentist because I usually just go and have her clean my teeth and then I leave. That's seeing a dentist. Well, it's Erin. How is that not seeing it? She's a dental hygienist. And then she's like, you're fine. You don't need to see him. Like, you don't have anything wrong. Like, every time I see her. And I also have a lip tattoo. So like, I don't really like when dentists, I go to a new dentist, I have to explain myself again. Fuck that. So I haven't seen the dentist. My high school Aaron is my dental hygienist. Okay, for the record everybody, there is a high school Aaron, there is a college Aaron, and then there is Aaron, my sister, who we also call mother. Yes, she is mother. There are three Aarons. If there was a mother god, it is Aaron. Right, my, my sister. We need to number them. Should we just have a picture in the corner? We should have an Erin chart. Okay. And have a picture of the three of them. That's my fault. Sorry, all. Erin From high school is my dentist. Erin from my college, from college, your roommate, is not my dentist. That would be terrifying. She's the one that asked me and told me I might need to get a root canal. That's right. So we don't trust. She's the one that sees like a star and is like, Oh my God, I have a brain tumor. Like she's not well. She should not be my dentist. Anyways, enough with this fucking cavity talk. We're done here. We're done here. My car is filled with mold. Yeah. So that's what I also, that was on my list of what could possibly be wrong with me. Okay. Bye. That could be it. I've been breathing it in for, I don't know how long. So basically I spilled a coffee. I think I told you guys this already the first time it happened. When I spilled the coffee, I got it detailed. It was fine for a while. And then all of a sudden the heat started picking up. And then I said, she's back. She's back with a vengeance. So I said, okay, obviously there's something. A deeper rooted issue. A guy looked at my car that I work with and he said, You do realize that all of that dust that's on your passenger seat is not dust. It is, in fact, mold. Mold. So I have a lot of mold on my passenger seat. And I'm just, I'm vibing with it. I tried to give someone a ride today at work, completely forgetting about it. And he had to get in the back and the car smells horrible. So awful and also I have my this is stressful. What is it called? You are stressful. I know I know I am really trying to sit here in Zen, but it's like you see parking tickets and it's I tried to our noises And it's the cavities. It is the mold This is a mess and that's a mess In my defense, I actively tried to fix the mold situation. I paid to get it fixed. And it was not fixed, obviously. I also have something, what the fuck is it called, the thing in the back that hangs that sounds really loud. Whatever that's called, it's hangin The thang is hangin Yeah, I could hear you three blocks down the other night when you pulled away. She's like, it sounds like you have canned, just married cans hanging from your car. That's what it sounds like when she drives away. You're like, oh, did someone just get married or is that the bottom of Colleen's car dragging on the ground? So we're The smell, the mold, and the sound. I picked up a person. In the parking tickets. Someone actually should take your car away. I think you've lost the privileges of owning a vehicle with the amount of tickets, the smell, and how you've treated this car. And my two year old inspection sticker. Colleen, I simply, you know what? I drive past state troopers on my way to work with a smile. I'm like, hee hee. I'm like, hee hee. No, don't pull me over. I'm like, I can't afford it. Please don't pull me over. Yeah, that's all I have to say. Truly. This is what I'm manifesting for you that you come in here one of these days and you say to me, I'm doing great. All of my shit is together. I don't have one ticket that is overdue. My car is operational. I feel great. I had a good weekend. And I'm not anxious about anything. When do you think that will happen? See you in hell. I don't know. Never. Never. I'll see you in hell. Truly never. Like, I got, I have tolls, not only here, different states. I have one from New Jersey from like two years ago I haven't paid. I got a New York. I got a Framingham one. But when was I in Framingham? I don't know. I don't know. Anyways, sorry. Not the point. It'll, it'll be resolved and I'll, I'll let you guys know when it is. Love you. How was your weekend? So not like that. Okay, cool. Uh, had a girls night with Paula. It was so much fun. Assembly Row. So there is a place in Boston called Assembly Row where it's like an outdoor mall area, restaurants, bars, shops, all the things. I love it. It's convenient. Well, who fucking cares? I don't want to know why that matters. Please keep that in. Who fucking cares? I don't even know why I said that. Anyway, so I meet Paula there for a girls night the other night. We went and grabbed dinner. Where did you go? Which place at Assembly? We went to Salt and Stone. So yummy. Sat at the bar, ordered a bunch of apps, had ourselves a time. I get there, and I go into one of the parking garages, and it won't accept my card. And I call the little thing, whole line behind me, and they're like, Can you, uh, put your card back in? Make sure the chip is down X, Y, and Z. I keep doing it, it won't work. They're like, So what's your name? So I say, It's Bridget Shannon. And they're like, Great. And so I'm trying to keep doing it. Now, mind you, the pits are now spicy. We're not just sweating anymore. When there's someone waiting for you? We're spicy pits. Multiple cars behind me. It won't work. He's like, okay, you have to go in, turn around, and try another parking garage. And I was like, is there any other thing that I have no other cards on me. I've never I just used that credit card. It's not the credit card. They have helimeters. So, I'm like, what do I do? He hangs up on me. Cause I was trying to say to him, can you just tell me, cause he was saying that there are other garages where you can go and you can actually get a physical ticket to pay. Cause I said, is there any other thing? Can you spit out a ticket? I'll pay. I don't mind paying. I just don't want to hold up the people by me. Please let me pay. He hung up on me. And so I'm like, oh my god. So then I go in and I try to turn around and the turn is too tight and I have to seven point turn with a car trying to come out and cars trying to come in. I was sweating in a way. I found a meter. So I'm like, perfect. I work on home. It was like 7. 15 at night on a Friday. I got a 30 parking ticket. It ends at 8. I'm like, I want to die. The last one I got was at Assembly and I got two because of my inspection sticker. I owe 80 to Assembly right now. Colleen. So I understand. I literally, the minute you said you went to Assembly, I I was so upset. No, there, there are snipers there. I don't know where, and I've never seen them. I don't know why I didn't realize the meter ran that late. It's usually free parking for three hours. Yeah. So I just, I was like, no, they are sites that I got a spot ran in, came out with a$30. I'm like, ugh. They act like it's Fort Knox there. Yeah. The, the parking, it's just crazy too. There's so many places to cross, so people are just crossing the middle of the road. It's actually quite stressful and I thought, just fucking an Uber next time. Like, what is the point of this? That's fair. There's a lot of nice places. But I thought you'd be excited that I got a parking ticket. I've never felt more connected to you. I've already paid it. Me too. Definitely. But anyway, went to a baby shower on Saturday, Nick and Avera. I actually think their wedding was our second or third episode. Wait, are they having a baby? They're having a baby girl. Oh. Oh. So glad for them. Yep. They're due in June. It was the nicest baby shower I've ever been to. It was at a hall. They had one of those 360 spin cameras where you're in the middle and it goes like slow mo for a second so you can dance. Yep. Baby in big letters, pink, beautiful, gorgeous display of balloons over this massive white chair where Navarro was going to sit. They had music. They did not open a single present. God motherfucking bless. And they had a bar. They're doing the Lord's work and had more food than I've ever seen at a party. And we just hung out and drank and ate. It was gorgeous. As far as baby showers go, 10 out of 10 people take notes. Are you pregnant? Take a note. I don't want to watch you open another fucking thing from Aunt Ethel. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. And I'm sorry you can't drink, but I want to. mimosas? That's so selfish. So watch you suffer to watch you open this thing. Seventh onesie. Fuck your onesie. They're going to be in it for like a month and then can't, then what, you're going to throw it away or? No, actually I, what's worse, baby shower or bridal showers? Bridal showers are tough because when they open shit, it's like pots and pans. At least when you open a baby shower thing, it's really cute and small and you're like, Oh, I guess. But like how many, Oh, can you, can you? Yeah, that's true. Yeah, you know? Yeah. But like, I feel like bridal showers, well, if you're invited to, it depends on your level of closeness with the bride, because then it's like fun and exciting, I feel like. Erin's bridal shower was my favorite. Do I remember that? I don't know if you remember that. It was I do. I mean it was a couple years ago. It's a hot minute ago. And my mother got a DJ. Give me a location. Or she got a band. She got like an Irish band and then a DJ played. And we were all in a hall and they didn't open a single present. And it was like a I didn't think I was there. It was essentially a girl's night with all of our aunts and all of our girl cousins. Okay, so I don't think I was there, which is really And all of Erin's friends who are so fun. So nevermind. But that does sound really fun. Yeah, it was great. 10 out of 10. And then I went out after the baby shower. I went out with Leanne and my friend Heather in the seaport. Brought it on Sunday. RuPaul's Drag Race finale. Nymphia Wind won. I did not see it coming. I'm not going to lie. I thought it was going to be Saffira or Plain Jane. Were you let down? I love Nymphia. I just thought it was going to be That sounds like an STD, respectfully. Nymphia Wind? Nymphia, yeah. Oh. It kind of sounds like a fairy name or an STD. Not hating on her. Okay. Not hating on her at all. No, no, no, just like based off of Yeah. She's stunning. Of the entire season, Plain Jane and Sephira, as far as like the major challenges go, were in the top. They each had four. Okay. I think Nymphia had one. But she crushed it all season, so you know when you get into the bottom two, you lip sync for your life. How many times? Good luck, and don't get up. So, Plain Jane did it once, and I believe Sephira did it once, and Nymphia never did it. Oh. So she was the most consistent, but she didn't win the most by a landslide. But, her and Sephira get named one and two, right? Like, they're the top two. Plain Jane gets the boot. Plain Jane's from Boston, by the way. And we've never seen Nymphia lip sync because she didn't lip sync all season. Oh! And she fucking cru like ate and left no crumbs definition of. I meant to text you and ask you if you were watching because you hadn't mentioned it in person, but I also saw her on GMA, so I was like, oh, did she know? Absolutely quaking. Nymphia absolutely slayed the lip sync, but yeah, so she won. It was great. Did you see the Spice Girls reunion? I saw a brief clip of them saying it, but I was not a Spice Girls girlie, so it didn't really correlate for me. Oh my god, watching the five of them at Victoria Beckham's. It's birthday party. Do full choreograph. Nature is healing. Nature is healing. And David Beckham's like filming and his face is in it and it's just cute actually. The 90s girlies get it. They get it. Even the 80s girlies. You guys get it too. But yeah. And then I decided to pull myself out of my book. I don't even know what's happening to me. You should see my for you page. I've gone full book talk. I love book talk. If you wouldn't watch my. Stupid thing I sent you because you didn't want to upset your algorithm. Get out of book talk. Okay. What did you want me to watch, though? I don't even remember. Great. Good talk, everybody. Love when this happens. Sorry about that. Well, I'll tell you what it was. What was it? It was Camp Rock. Oh, cause we're gonna, uh, transition. Cause that's what we call a transition. A wank wank. We decided we were gonna do a review of sorts of some of the old TV shows or movies that we watched as kids. And then we realized when I said Mary Kay and Ashley to her and all I saw was dead behind her eyes, just like lights are on no one's home. She has no idea what I'm talking about. I was like, Oh wait, I think I should watch yours and you should watch mine. If you haven't seen Passport to Paris. Then what the fuck are we even doing here? Fair. When I think Mary Kate and Ashley, I think New York Minute. Yeah, that's fair. That's the only thing I think of them of. Okay, well, do you want to get into it? Yeah. Do you want to go first? No. Okay. So, the first thing I watched was Secret Life of an American Teenager. I, when I, well, I, right off the bat, like, when we were thinking of, like, shitty shows, I was like, oh my god, that's literally the worst show ever. But, like, at the time, we were, like, creaming for it. Yeah, for sure. Like, we were obsessed, but it was absolutely fucking terrible. Yeah. So, and I texted my friends to be like, can I confirm that this is the worst one you could possibly choose? And they were like, absolutely, there's nothing worse. Great. Great. Great. So I watched the first two episodes, which you can find on Hulu, and I have a synopsis. Yes, I'm ready for it. Let's hear it. Fifteen year old Amy, aka Shailene Woodley, loses her virginity at band camp to the player at her high school, Ricky. It's not only so bad she doesn't even know what's happening, but she's also pregnant. Gasp. Amy happens to attend the thirstiest and horniest high school known to man, where people are either saving themselves for marriage because of Jesus or dry humping each other in the hallway. Amy makes her pregnancy her friend's problem and then gets mad that word gets out because she doesn't know how gossip works. She does what any teenager would do in this situation and she pretends like she is not in fact pregnant so that she hopes it goes away. Sure. While also hatching a plan to make Ben fall in love with her because he's rich and an only child and her friends think she'll get all of his money for the baby. With dresses worn straight over jeans, fringe boots, and some of the most horrific jewelry you have ever seen. The swooping side bang. These horny ass kids try to navigate high school without getting people pregnant and fail epically. That was, remember when I said you could be a writer? Yeah, here are some of my notes. Okay. Molly Ringwald. Hey girl! Queen. Okay. Brat Pack. How you doing? Uh, one of the first songs of the entire series was Hey Hey You You I Don't Like Your Girlfriend. No way, no way. I think you need a new one. By the one and only Avril Lavigne. Mm hmm. Great. Great pick. There's always going to be a football captain jock with the pretty blonde cheerleader girlfriend who loves Jesus. He was recently in an episode of Chicago PD as the crackhead. So, wow. Life comes at you fast. Wow. Life comes at you fast. And right off the bat, Rikki is complaining to Adrian about having blue balls and how it's like painful for men and that she should essentially be ashamed of herself for not getting him to where he needs to be. I need to stop. And I was like, I'm gonna punch this kid in the throat. I meant to send you, but I didn't know which episodes you were watching if you're just gonna watch the first two. One and two. The OG one and two. I have to send you a clip of one of the episodes in one of the seasons and it's Grace, right? Grace is the Holy Roller. I think that's her name. She is, oh my God, I can't even talk about it. It's basically her like getting the girls to gather to like wank themselves off instead and like say no to say, oh my God, you just. But doesn't she not like the word masturbate or something? So she says, just say me or just say Em or something. No, but I, I went on to look at, like, some of the most cringiest times of the whole series and that's one worst thing I've ever seen. Couldn't do, like, I was like, this can't be, who, who scripted this? I don't know. Just wondering. I don't know, man. Also, her friends responding to her being pregnant, I mean, she is 15, so, like, we get it. One of her friends is so fucking annoying. But when she says In the bathroom, they're trying to say, one of her friends says, you need to go see a doctor. And she says, I don't have a doctor like that. I only have a pediatrician. Baby's having babies. Also, not one night at band camp. She lost her V card to Ricky at band camp. Like, why the fuck was he at band camp? I don't even remember. He's a drummer or some shit. Oh, right, right, right, right. Forgot, forgot. Something like that. Have you seen the clip of Sean Johnson in there? No. Oh, I need to pull, I literally need to pull that up for you right now, like, I'm sorry. On TikTok. Shawn Johnson on, on Secret Life is the first thing that pops up. Oh shit, where'd it go? Oh. Doesn't she walk up to him in the hallway or something? It is the funniest fucking thing. Wait, it's literally the greatest scene in television history. Why did he do a cartwheel? I don't know! The irony that he did that after talking to Sean Johnson, too, like that inspired him. Hey Sean, where you been? Where have I been? I'm like busy. I'm like winning the Olympics. Yeah, it was, it was pretty cringy. Grace convincing the jock boyfriend, I think his name is Jack, that she wants to wait until marriage and he's like, well, how long away is marriage? She's like, well, after med school and you can just see the panic behind his eyes. But then Adrienne sits down and she's like, you guys don't have sex and then like seductively eats an apple. Of all the fruits to seductively eat. I don't know if an apple is one of them. Yeah, like maybe a cherry, a strawberry. A banana? That's kind of creepy. I mean, it's on brand. Is it too on the nose? Yes. That it's like, put it away. One time in the fifth grade. You're at ABC Family. One time in the fifth grade. We had, we're doing this. Jesus Christ. We are watching the sex videos, like they separated girls and boys and we had to like watch the sex videos or whatever. Oh, okay. Off to a better start than I already thought. Okay, this was in a class. And so then afterwards, so like they would like give us the paper with like the diagram of like the Poussois and then like obviously the guys got the ones of the wanks. And then we would, they would bring us back to class and like, as if nothing happened, I'd have to like, you know, put the vagina away, right? And, um, Like an hour later, I swear to God, this guy that was sitting next to me, he, it was like snack time or something, I don't fucking know, but he had a banana with him and like, just out of nowhere, it was literally the biggest banana I've ever fucking seen. I'm not kidding. I've never seen a banana that size to this day. And I was like, look at the size of that banana. And everyone laughed at me and I never forgot about it. I said, look at the size of his banana, is what I said. Not two hours after the sex video. And I, it keeps me up at night. So I'm so glad you brought that up. Because that's so dumb. And I have a note that says you literally could not pay me millions of dollars to go back to high school. Because, like, the fact that you've never forgotten that, and that's so silly, is high school in a nutshell, though. It was the fifth grade. That's worse. Oh, I forgot you were ten. Yeah, so it's worse. So I was like, look, guys, look at the size of his banana. And obviously everyone's like, okay, that's a bit I mean, I don't know. My parents had to sign off for it. I remember I had to bring the permissions to the poem. Fucking Catholic school, man. Yeah. We had a nun as a teacher that year, too. Of course. Abstinence is key, everybody. But yeah, I never forgot about that. But do you know what I mean? That awkward, like, every single thing you do is embarrassing. It's like DEFCON. Oh my god, everything your parents do is so embarrassing. Ugh. It's just grubby. It's grubby. It's grubby. It's grubby. It's cringe. She finally goes to the fucking doctors. And she's in the waiting room with all these screaming kids and they play Daughters by John Mayer and I'm like, honestly, kind of mean. That's so mean. Also, the bitchy younger sister. Why is there always like a goth sister who's a bitch? She's the worst. She is the worst. And their dad. She has good character development though. Says something like, I don't want to get another call from the principal that our 13 year old daughter dressed like a streetwalker. Then he goes on this whole spiel about, do you want to feel sexy? Do you even know what that means? That means you're ready to have sex and neither of you are going to be having sex for a very, very, very long time. Meanwhile, his 15 year old is pregnant at the table. Okay. And doesn't he cheat on her? His, the wife. I think so. Yeah. They, they break up eventually or something? I believe so. So Shailene Woodley's character agrees with her dad and she's like, you're right. And the goth sister turns to her and is like, are you serious? You think showing my belly button means I want to have sex? Sex. Colleen, you've honestly never given me a worse homework assignment than watching this fucking episode. It was, it's painful. The party at the church hall and they're like grinding but they're not and then Jack and Adrian are making out and everyone catches them and she's so embarrassed, Grace is so embarrassed. I was like, this makes me want to die. Yeah, that's, that was the goal and we succeeded. And teenagers are just so annoying. At one point Grace says to her dad, I'm almost 16. Like, I can figure it out myself. You're a child, shut up. You have no idea what you're talking about. Operate a vehicle? I'm just wondering. And her dad's like, stay away from Jack. Cause he cheats on her. And she's like, I love my dad. But I love Jack too. What, like, what do I do? And she goes back to Jack. And I'm like, teenagers are the fucking worst. They are, they have no, no brain cells. Also, Amy and Ben go on like two dates and they're already saying I love you. Justice for Ben. Ben seems like a sweetie. He does seem like someone who's also just trying to get laid, but he does seem nice. Deep down. He has, he's giving in to the pressures of high school, but he's a good boy. Okay. Well, then her besties are spilling all of the tea about her having sex with Ricky. I mean, it's just, I can't, Jack goes to Grace and is like, I know I cheated on you, but please forgive me. And she's like, you embarrassed me. And he goes, if God can forgive me, why can't you? I mean, you're going to shove that down all of our throats then? Yeah. Yes. So yeah, I watched two episodes, a of horny teenagers. I also think it was wild that at the end of each episode Shailene Woodley does a PSA about teenage pregnancy. We're spreading awareness. It's like, talk to your parents. That is what ABC Family was about back in the day, spreading fucking awareness. Also, doesn't What the fuck is her name? The whore. The whore? Yeah, the whorish one. There's always a whorish one. Adrienne? Adrienne. Adrienne gives Manny Santos from Degrassi. I thought you were gonna say Santana from Glee. No, cause that's disrespectful to Santana. But I see where you're going. That was the vibe I was getting. Yeah, she's Manny Santos. Seductress, a little bit. Yeah, but just like, reel it in, you know? But she's a real one though. No, no, no, yes, she's all right. She's all right. Al, I liked Alice. Alice was the friend with all the stats, Ben's friend. I don't know. Oh, yeah. I like Alice. Okay, cool. I was like, okay, she seems legit. She's popping out stats left, right and center. Yeah, it was painful. It was painful. I got through it. But damn, kids be out here being real horny. I was actually really shocked at one point they talked about like some sexual abuse and I was like, damn, ABC family trying to cover some ground here with some serious topics. They delve into that real good. You should proceed with the rest of the episode. I would rather die, respectfully. I forget how many seasons there Unless the fans ask for it, I will only do it if asked. Okay, cool. What if I'm asking? No. That's crazy. Could I say? What'd you watch first? I have a few things. So I, it's funny because my notes are literally as, as I was watching, like, they're not like synopsis organized like yours. It's literally like what, like my notes are my thoughts. Got it. So scary place. So got it. But I did watch three episodes of 7th Heaven. Not in order because I have watched it before. It's just like in a distant part of my brain. So I just picked like random episodes that like the topic seemed kind of like would probably make me giggle because I knew what I was getting myself into. Sure. Um, so. Let's get into it. Shall we? Yeah, what do you got? My original thoughts are, how does the show have 11 seasons? Yeah, that's a good starting question. Jessica Biel, you are better than this. She's so pretty too. No, she is. She's stunning. Stunning. She was, when we were kids, I was like, if I could look up Even remotely like Jessica Biel, I will have succeeded. Then you made it. I watched, I think all three episodes were within the first four seasons, so I like really didn't go to when they were older, because I thought they'd be more problematic as youngins, but. Do you know what, though? I really loved that Intro song. Yeah. The Seventh Heaven one slaps. Yeah, it's like a And it's like a full song. It doesn't really stick in your head though. I couldn't regurgitate it to you. Oh my god. You know what one does? Did you ever watch Step by Step? Step by step. Day by day. Yeah, Full House too. Yeah, of course Full House. Whatever. Yeah. The milkman, the paperboy, even MTV! Okay, so I watched, well first of all, my actual like, thought in general, Ruthie is a sleigh. That's all it is. So cute. Such a sleigh. She's so fucking cute. Fan favorite. No notes about her. She is it. A hundred percent agree. So the first episode I watched was one like regarding, uh, the, the weeds. Oh, the kids start. Yes. Oh my God. So the episode starts off and they're talking about how they let Ruthie is like the, the, the, Teacher calls home and is like, Hey guys, uh, your daughter's worn the same thing to school four days in a row. Like, is everything okay? And they're like, yeah, we told her that she, she could start dressing herself, but she needs to do how to learn how to do laundry. And she's like, so I don't know how to do laundry. And if I wear it at night to bed and I wake up in the morning and then I just don't have to change smartest woman alive. No, you're right. You're so right. So after that, it little clip it flash forward to the next scene is she again can dress herself. She just comes down to dinner. With no questions asked in a bathing suit and cowgirl boots. And they just let her just let her do it. Let her be her. And then at one point she brings the plate to the sink and she goes, if you spill something on yourself, you just have to get a little wet and it'll be clean because she's wearing a bathing suit. And I was like, She's thinking in 2033. Yeah, she's ahead of us. Ahead of the game. So basically this first episode I watched, basically the dog's a snitch, okay? The dog named Happy, coincidentally. Some guy approaches Matt, the oldest son, at school and is like, gonna go to a sick party bro blah blah blah, and he's like, yeah, no, I'm good cause my dad's, you know, a reverend. But he's like, okay, here's something to hide you over there, really get you on your ass, and hands him a joint and he acts like it's like, Full ass contraband and it's like, and he, but he takes it home and he puts it in his pocket. Don't know why. And the dog, the dog snatches it up and just like the little snitch he is, drops it in. I keep calling him the reverend. He's literally not a reverend. I don't know. Isn't he a pastor? Yeah, I guess I'll say pastor. Like they don't call him that though. Like, you know what I mean? Yeah. So like, so he drops it in Pastor, I'm gonna call him Pastor Daddy. Okay. He drops it in Pastor Daddy's hands and he is like, Pastor Daddy. One of my children is a hoodlum. And he obviously, like, the whole episode is centered around him trying to figure out who the hoodlum child is. And then Mary comes down and her eyes are red cause of allergies. Oh no. And he's like, it could be Mary. And then Lucy's like, I got a new boyfriend, his name is Rod. And Lucy has a new man in her, this is what I wrote. Lucy has a new man in her life. His name is Rod. He drives a moped and he's a real man. Quote unquote. This man comes in, and he is, he's 14 by the way, he's 14, he's a real man. He comes in, he has a pube mustache. Stop. No, like a straight up pube mustache. No, the worst. And at one point Mary's boyfriend asks him like, oh, how long did it take you to grow that? And he's like, 14 years, haha. Brutal. Fucking brutal. Sidebar, in what land do families actually like, if you have a new friend, you invite them over for dinner? Like, do people fucking do that? Yeah. Sorry. So like Mary and Lucy are like, yeah, can we invite whatever fucking Wilson or whatever the fuck Mary's boyfriend's name is? And she's like, I'm inviting Rod for dinner. Like we just have new guests. Like what the fuck? I've never even eaten dinner with my parents. Jesus. My house was a revolving door, so that's not weird to me at all. Okay, cool. We had, we had people over for dinner all the time. So mine was a locked door. We didn't, we did not have guests. It was not for the public. We did not have guests. We did not. But my parents didn't cook a lot. Like my dad cooked a bit. My mother literally puts Mail in the oven because she knows she'll never turn it on so when guests come over She also this is actually a good tip if you have dirty laundry You put it in the shower and you pull the curtain because no one's gonna look behind the curtain So if people are coming over and you're in a rush I do You do? Yeah, I've just been curious as to what you wash your hair with. You don't look at people's showers? No. Oh. Why the fuck would I do that? That's insane. I don't know, I'm just curious. You are so deeply unwell. I'm just curious, are you a body wash person or are you using fucking crusty ass Irish spring? That's what I want to know. No one's using Irish soap unless they're a man. No woman is out here using, we would break out immediately. I mean, you know. Women, we would dry the fuck up in age 10 years. You think that? Check people's showers, Bridget. Check them. No, I don't want to. It feels like I'm crossing a boundary. I know, I know you don't know what those are. Boundaries, schmoundries, is all I hear. Jesus Christ. No one is using Irish Spring unless they're dudes and I will die on this hill. If you are a woman and you use Irish Spring, first of all, I need to have an update on your skin. And second of all, why? I mean, just use Dove. Whatever. Bars of soap freak me out. Yeah, like you're putting it in between your ass crack and then you're putting it back on the shelf. Yeah. And then it just goes on the shelf. To what? Also, loofahs. Loofahs freak me out. I use loofahs sometimes. By loofahs, I mean every day. Colleen, loofahs have so much shit in them. Right, but I rinse them. No, no, no, no. They breed crap. So what are we using to wash ourselves? Our fingers? Yes. Okay. Oh, you just like put your fingers in your ass crack like that? Just do a swipe? Would you use a loofah? Yeah. And you just expect it to go away? If you hang it back up, it's just gonna lose. No, if you run it under hot water with soap and then spritz it out. Girl, I'm telling you, look up loofahs, you'll never be the same. I mean, I'm sure it won't affect me. That's true. I will proceed. With caution, maybe, but I will proceed nevertheless. That's true. Anyways, back to Rod. Rod on his moped with his puke mustache and a mullet. And so now the dad's like, Oh, he's the weed smoker and it's Lucy. So he's, he's just thinks he's playing Mr. Fucking investigator. And then he asked on the case. Yeah. He's on it. And the mom's like, no, like it's not, don't assume we don't know these things. And he's like, yeah, we don't know him. It's one of the children. And he's like, Matt's not leaving this house tonight. He's just, he's being so fucking ridiculous. Whatever. Also when Rod shakes the dad's hand, he, I need to find a clip of it. I can't even reenact it. My skin, my soul left my body. He goes like this and then he goes, Uh, Uh, It is? He sticks his tongue out like that? I will find it for you after. I was like, What is the reaction to that, do we think? My dad was just like, and then at one point he does ask him like, Do you smoke weed or something like that? And he goes, No, I don't smoke weed. It lowers your sperm count. And then he goes, Get out of my house. I was a little young for that, to be talking about that. Whatever. It lowers my sperm count? Yeah, and like Lucy What teenage boy is worried about that? I didn't even know that. Aren't you at that point like, Good. Lower it. Please. And then Lucy has this, like, whack ass eyeshadow. This episode is all over the place. That's our favorite kind. New people are coming in and out. He's like, you're the weed smoker. You're the fucking weed smoker. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So then, all of a sudden, we are hit with a doozy of information. Which is? Mama. Says, I have a confession. I've smoked pot. And he's like, I thought I, I thought I knew you. And she's like, yes, it was a year before college. Bitch, you were a child. Please be fucking for real. And Pastor Daddy is not happy. And he says, how can you just go about your evening and serve meatloaf like you didn't just tell me that information. And she says, You know, I just think we should be kinder and more fair to our children. You know, normal people, like how normal people fucking think, right? Yeah, yeah. And he says, okay, I'm gonna get, I'm gonna solve who this was. I can't believe you did that, but take it. And he gives the contraband to her. And it's this dramatic scene where she's like, and the music's really dramatic and she hides it in her drawer. But Lucy and Mary find it. And so they're like, Oh my God, mom's a weed smoker. So when their dad tries to, so when, when daddy, pastor, daddy tries to interrogate them, they're like, I really think you should talk to mom. I think that being a mom and like a stay at home mom and a wife is really hard on her. I think you should talk to her. Like she has a whole ass drug problem. So like this episode is. They start to blame mom. Yeah, and meanwhile, he's like looking at the fireplace being like, Has anyone seen my matches? Which one of you took my matches? Like, really trying to figure out who the pot smoker is. Yeah, he can't, he can't get to the bottom of it. Honestly, by the end of the episode, I was like, I don't care who it is anymore. Like, I Are they 45 minute episodes too? Yes. So by the end, I was like, I couldn't even tell you how it ended. I forget, like, I was like, what? I faded in and faded out at the point where the mom was telling this wicked, long winded story to Matt. She goes up to the son and goes, I have smoked weed before. And the dad gets pissed. He's like, why the fuck are you telling our son that? Like, we don't need to tell them everything, which like, fair enough, whatever. And then, She's like, I just want you to know, like, if it is you, it's fine. Like I smoked weed once and then the guy I smoked weed with left the house and he got in a car accident and he died and we had to watch him. And I'm like, where, where is this going? Where is this going? It says, it turns out the kid was given a joint by some other guy who never actually smokes it. Yeah. So no one's smoking the pot. The guy at school gave it to him and he brought it home. But the irony is that the answer is no one. Correct. But the cult, quote unquote. Culprit would be Matt technically, but it wasn't no one smoked it. Happy is just a fucking snitch. It was the dog Wow, happy coming for you. Yes I'm not even kidding like Pastor Daddy was ready for divorce. Oh, he is a reverend. He's a reverend? Oh, he is? Fuck, yeah. Sorry, Reverend Daddy. Um, oh, I remembered how it ended. Never mind, I just remembered. They go for Matt and they try to like, say like, we need to talk to you and he gets upset and he storms out of the house like, one, one does. Dramatics. Storms out of the house and they're like, oh, okay, we really upset him. Like, we should go out and find him. So they get in the car and they go to drive and the dad's like, I think, I think we have to stop at church. Like, I just need a minute. Like you need a fucking minute, sir. This is all your fucking fault, but whatever. So then they get to church and there's Matt in the pew and he's praying for forgiveness and they're in the back like holding each other like our precious Matt and he's like, dear God, please just let them believe me. And I think at that point I fully was like, we're good here. We're fucking good. And this is only episode one. I watched three. My favorite line at one point is, pastor, Reverend daddy looks at Lucy Then looks at the mom and goes, why is she dressing like a dead poet? a dead poet. What the fuck is that? What the fuck is that? I don't know. She had like this crazy eyeshadow one for Rod. For Rod, duh. Obviously, truly I was, oh wow. I was exhausted by the first episode. Like, could not, and I was like, is this what having a family is like? Like I don't, oh God no. Is this what a true family unit is like? No, because I'm scared. No, it's not. We are all scared. Okay, the other two I watched, I don't know who wrote this fucking script, but guess what? It's the same woman who wrote, who wrote, who wrote, who am I? Who wrote The Secret Life, the same person, makes fucking perfect sense, produced the same TV show. Explain why they both suck. I know. Meanwhile, she's just cashing checks left and right from our views. Honestly, good for her. Shout out to her. Brenda. I think her name is wherever you are. Good for you, girlfriend. Brenda makes sense. Yeah. Brenda makes perfect sense. So, the next episode I watched, Simon finds The little blonde boy. Yeah, the little blonde boy. Mind you, in the previous episode I had watched, he was teaching Ruthie how to do laundry. And she's like, how do you measure the pow like you put the powder in or whatever? Yeah. He's like, how do you measure it? And he said, I can show you. And he takes a bra out of the laundry and goes, you have to take one of mom's bras though, so that way you know it's the right amount. And he fills one of the boob cups with powder and dumps it in. And I was like, this is going so well. So, so south and inventor and he goes it has to be one like why are you talking about your sister's tits? Basically, you're saying that your sister's tits are smaller. Well, I think it's Saying that mom's bra is the biggest. I guess, but still use Still fucking weird. Still weird. And he's like seven. It's weird. Don't use that as a Just go get a measuring cup. Why, do you not have a lid on your detergent? Like, what were we using back in the day? Were we just eyeballing? Were we barbarians? I don't know. I have so many questions. Did you ever have a washing machine, old school one, that when you turned it, you had to push it out? Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's what it was. And I thought it was only me. And I was like, oh, gasp. No, no, that was real. Cool. So back to the second episode I watched, Simon brings home a filthy homeless girl. Just brings her home. Filthy ones? Filthy. Couldn't be more dramatic. Caked dirt. Like this girl just came from a mountain. Like your feet after a night out. Her face, her arm, everywhere. Oh yes, like my feet. Much like my, my dogs. And he says, I want to keep her as a pet. Like, this is my new pet. Keep her? Yes. You don't keep a human! So, yeah. But the thing is, the dad's like, Oh, okay, maybe. Like, it, it's, it goes over perfectly well. So then he brings home this girl, And he's like, can I keep her as a pet? He doesn't even say her, he says it. Oh my god! And the dad's like, Can I keep it as a pet? Yeah. And the dad's like, we'll see, straight up, he's like, we'll see. And then Ruthie and Simon start fighting over the child, like she's a pet dog. Like, she's mine. She's mine. She's not speaking a word, mind you. She's mute. She's completely mute. Which is Do we know it's name? So we get there, don't worry. Okay, got it. So, Ruthie starts calling her It, and they start training her like she's a whole ass German Shepherd. Stop. They are feeding her treats. They're feeding her treats. How old is this person? Probably five. Okay. No, that's so terrible. They're feeding her treats and they're like, sit, stop outside of training her to go in and out of the bedrooms upstairs. Stop. No, it's crazy. It was fucking crazy. And it's so, it's so out of control. This show is ridiculous. I have such beef with Reverend, like a deep, deep beef with him. Like I'm just upset. And so the. They go to the police station to be like, Hey, what the fuck? And as they're there, this guy comes in and he's drunk as fuck. And he's like, Sarah, I'm looking for Sarah. And so, Pastor Daddy is like, Oh shit, I think I have Sarah. So meanwhile, they're at home playing fetch. Like, so Reverend goes home and is like, watch this guys. And he's like, Sarah. And all of a sudden she's like, that's a Raven unlocked. And she just spins her head. And she's like me. Like, please start speaking. Unmute, is unlocked. And I wish you went on mute to be like, Hey, guys, fuck off. I'm not a dog. I'm not a fucking dog. And she's like, yeah, that's my name. Like, out of nowhere. And she's like, my dad is sick. He's suffering. My dad is sick. He's suffering from alcoholism. Just out of the blue. And so, like, this is all a very whack ass lesson on alcoholism. Like, this is what this whole episode's about. But like, we really had to have the homeless girl. She's not homeless. She has a home. Filthy, filthy runaway. Filthy runaway is actually in fact the daughter of an alcoholic who has a home. Okay? And to the dad, when you like lay it out, it's actually so ridiculous. And we were quaking over the show. The parents were fine with it. Oh yeah, parents were all, it had a good message. It was a reverend, it was a reverend daddy. No, I'm saying they, yeah, they themselves, with the, like, mom and dad reverend, were like, Okay, yes, bring her in. Yes. No, get that vile animal out of my house. What the fuck do you mean? Anyways. Don't call her a vile animal. She looks like a vile animal. But why would you go to the police station without her, is my question. Okay. She was a vile animal. No, she's a Before she spoke, she could have been. You look at what she looked like. She was real filth. I mean, I would have cleaned her. I would have taken her in too, but I would have brought her to the police station. Jesus Christ. I'm like, can we get a fingerprint check? Like, something. I'm cutting all of this out. CODIS? I'm cutting all of this out. Why? Because you're insane. Okay. Anyways. I'll probably leave it in. Anyways. To the dead. They figure it out. They're like, Oh yeah, that's the dad. The dad has a problem. He needs to go to rehab. Great. Sure. We should have said, Oh my God, who is this girl? Let's take her to the police station. Let's maybe clean her up, give her a fresh change of clothes, give her some food without making her do tricks, and then bring her to a police station where they can identify who her family is. Yeah. Instead of treating her like a border collie. Family pet. Anyways, the worst part of this to me. You have to stop laughing. The dad says, oldest son, come with me. And they go to the house, which she lives in. And it's a little filthy, obviously. Who's like her. He's not taking care of himself or his child. So what makes you think that certainly not cleaning the pots of the pan. It's definitely not five star spigot span So it looks squalor, whatever So there he's like we have to clean this house because like God told us to whatever so they start cleaning and the entire time He is going on about this is what it will look like for you Matt. If you don't follow the path of Jesus This is your future. I Cannot and that's only that is the end of the episode Colleen So don't drink or else you'll live in squalor. That's the message. Don't follow the path of God. You're, you're fucked. You will live in squalor and people will think you are God, homeless, and we'll take you in as a pet. Sure. That was the message of that episode. Got it. Nailed it. No notes. me literally screaming. Aunt Julie's in town. I've never laughed this hard. Pastor Daddy's sister Julie is in town. Okay. And there's like clips at the beginning of her. Every time a new child comes in the room, she's like, you are beautiful. You're gorgeous. You are so good looking. It's. Fuck you. Stop. It's so weird. It makes sense. I'm telling me I'm pretty sister. Like it just makes sense. Makes so much sense. She's giving black sheep of the family. Okay. Clear. Okay. She didn't follow the path of Jesus. Julie is boozing and she's boozing hard. At one point they have her like with a little. Plastic bottle of vodka just like, whoop! Whoop! Whoop! In the corner, just off on the side. Oh, Julie's throwing it back. Do you know what? She has the brown mouthwash. She Not right now, she doesn't. She will soon. She's full in the blue right now, but soon she's got the blue in her purse. Like at one point they go to church and she like drops her bag and like everyone's like, oh she's so clumsy. Stop the nips. But the mom is like, Oh, she's sauced. Yeah. She's not well. She's a shithouse. In Jesus's house? Rude. Honestly. Rude. So she is popping off. She's sneaking into the liquor cabinet. She's getting the key. She's like staring with them. I don't know. I'm shocked there even is a liquor cabinet. Oh, it's locked. Of course. Did you have a locked liquor cabinet? No, neither of my parents drank. Okay. That's true. My mother's never had a sip of alcohol in her life, but my dad was recovering. Okay. That's fair. If there was any booze in the house, it was mine. Fair enough. Because Erin hated breaking rules, and I didn't give a shit. I kept her up at night. Yeah, for real. We had some, but it wasn't, like, locked. But it was water, eventually, after a while, because I just kept taking it. But my parents didn't drink, so they didn't notice. It's probably still there, under, like, a thick layer of dust. Isn't it so funny how neither of us grew up in a house where drinking was normalized in any way, shape, or form? It's I know, and then I go to other family parties and it's like revolved around it, not revolved. Oh yeah, and people are just out here blackout drunk at a cookout and I'm like, oh my god, your parents are so drunk, isn't that crazy? And people are like, no. That's how we live. This is our weekends. And I'm like, oh. You do that. Like you go out to, you go out to like meals with your mom and like get drinks. Couldn't be me. What, what do you mean? I've never heard of it. No. I think it's crazy. Crazy. Crazy. I, I used to listen to my voice memo about the vacation thing and how I was like on a family vacation with Brianna's family and I was like, this is so strange. Like I've never been like on a family vacay. Gone to a bar with someone else's parents and got drinks with them. Crazy to me. Yeah. Mind boggling. Like I was like, oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah. I always hope that whoever I marry one day, God willing, that he has really cool parents that I can hang with and drink with. Yeah, like I love a social drink with adults. Yes, me too. As we are adults. Well, I like the stories. I want to be in the goss. Yeah. You know, you just like, you feel like you're in on it, you know? Yeah. Whereas drinking isn't shameful, you know, like it's accepted. And it's like a social thing. It's like, tell me your Irish Catholic. It's like, actually, it's like fun. Yeah. It's wild. And like encouraged and like exciting and like you need a drink. I do. I do. Are you sure? I'm used to hiding it from you guys. And then they, sometimes they pay for it. And you're like, am I being treated? In what world do I live? The closest I ever got is one time I split an espresso martini with my mom. Like that was crazy. That was crazy. One time it was happy hour. And I have an uncle who doesn't drink and he was there and he was out and she did say run quick before happy hour is over and before he comes back. That was about as encouraging as it ever got. I mean say last twist my arm. Which I did. I got out of the pool and ran literally ran. But Julie, though, she does. Julie Sost. Aunt Julia Sost. She's sneaking into the liquor cabinet. Simon, at one point, is figuring fucking around and takes the key to the liquor cabinet and it's like, na, na, na, na, na. Like I have it. You don't like one of those, like silly, something I would want to punch a kid in the face for doing. Yeah. But she's giggling at first and then she's not giggling anymore. Oh yeah. Then it's not so funny. No, it's not so funny. And she all of a sudden the music turns dramatic. Like it's like a fight scene, kind of dramatic. And she picks him up by the shirt and throws him. Oh, are you fucking kidding me? I swear to God. She physically throws him. Yeah. She loses her goddamn mind. Let me see. Oh, I must see this. Oh, I was kidding! Better let go! Simon, I'm not Give me that damn key! Help me! Help me! Get your hands off of me! Don't you ever touch my children! Aunt Julie goes absolutely feral. She goes feral. Aunt Julie just went full bat shit bananas for the key. She needs, give me the key to the locker, Goddammit! It was real fun and games until it wasn't. No it wasn't, and the music changed, it was a whole thing. Oh my God, Aunt Julie. It gets worse. It gets worse. Okay. So it's, uh, in case you couldn't tell, it's already another lesson on alcoholism. We got it. Apparently I picked the right ones. Yeah. So after that incident, they're like, guys, Aunt Julie is sick. She's sick. She's down with the sickness. And dad's like, okay, we'll handle it. He locks her in one of the bedrooms. And they don't let her out. What do you mean? They don't let Aunt Julie out of the bedroom for days. Like full Rapunzel. Rapunzel, Rapunzel light on your hair. Aunt Julie is Captive. Imagine like your crazy eyes locked in a bedroom for days. Does she have a bathroom? I think she does. Yes. So I'll just give her a chamber pot and call it a day. And one of the like many children is like, Aunt Julie! Ruthie's like, I used my mom's bra to do the laundry. If you want to pass your clothes off to me. She's fucking four. And On the fourth day of captivity, mind you, this whole time, all that she's, all that's happening is her laying in bed and he is reading the Bible to her. Stop. It's like exorcist meets rehab. She's like in a nightgown and just being Stop. So on this fourth day Oh my god. Fourth day, Matt, the dad's like, Hey, Matt, will you like, go check it, go check on her. And he's like, okay, cool. So she goes in and is like, he's like, what's going on on Julie, how you doing? And she's like, man, I love y'all. Like, could you please just go get me a beer downstairs? Just a little taste, like a little, being a fucking creep. And he's like, no, I don't think I'm going to do that. Which like the poor lady, four days of being read the Bible in captivity. I would be like, give me tequila right now or the son is dead. I will kill him. I would. I was gonna say, he used one of the children as a hostage. Negotiation. Clearly, she's already brutally attacked the little one. Oh my god. Like, good lord. And so then, she goes absolutely feral again. And she's like, you little brat! I'll kill ya! Like, screaming at Matt. Matt's like, what the fuck? I was just coming to change your Chamber pot or whatever, dump out your chamber pot, whatever. So then, you know, things get lighter. Julie decides it's time for rehab, but it's Thanksgiving. We can't go to rehab on Thanksgiving. So Mary's like, Hey, Aunt Julie, let me, one last bender anyone. If I'm going to go out, it's going to be full of turkey and full of wine. Like if you're going to send me. Let me have my last moment. Let me have my last leg. So Mary goes in and is like, Heya Julie, let me give you a makeover. Stop! Are you joking? And let me tell you, there is no makeup in sight. They just put her hair up and like put her in a sweater. Like, that's, there's no makeup. They're like, instead of a nightgown, you get clothes. So they give her like an oversized blue sweater. She looks like a fucking blueberry. And her hair is up. And she walks down the stairs, no makeup. And they're all like, the music changes. And they're all like, Yes! Like, she's unrecognizable. She's clean. Sober queen. Like, she looks no fucking different. Like, please be fucking for real. They don't recognize her, as if she's undergone some, and Mary's just like, Yeah, look at all my handiwork. Looking at Julie as if she hasn't been captive for four days. What? And then they just eat Thanksgiving dinner. And it is the most traumatic thing I've ever fucking seen in my life. And it was so problematic, and I will never watch a faith based program ever again in my entire life. I lived it, I don't need to watch it. And I didn't live like this, and I thought me waking up in the middle of the night to church songs was bad. This is a whole motherfucking level of mental illness. Ah, Julie. I have so many questions for you. Why is She is me and I am her. Ah, Julie. Also, why is everyone sitting around and just reading her Bible verses? Don't you guys have things to do? Don't you have 85 children to tend to? Clearly not. Clearly fucking not. Also, why are they gonna meet at the aunt in every show and movie? Like, why can't we have like a crazy cousin or like a crazy uncle? Why is it always the fucking batshit aunt in every show? I mean, there are we have crazy uncles. Oh, you just mean in television? Yes! Like, leave the aunts alone! Leave her alone! We're called the fun aunts for a reason. Stop giving us a bad rap. Anyways, that's my experience with Seventh Heaven. I will not watch it again unless I Wow. Wow. How, how do we come back from that? I don't know. I mean, give it a watch. It's actually hysterical, but like, woof. They should have made those also shorter episodes. Why the fuck are they so long? I have no idea. But that's that about that. There's a really funny guy on TikTok who reviews all of these shows. What's his name? Rob Anderson. Rob Anderson on TikTok. If you want to watch. Someone review these regularly. They are so fucking funny. Okay, up next we have Camp Rock. Let me just say something to you. Of all of the topics that we've covered on this show, of all of the true crime and the cults, this is the worst thing I've ever watched. I'm so glad you said that. I knew it. Same thing with that one. I texted my friends and said, Is Camp Rock the worst? They were like, yes. It is? It was so painful, the way that I wanted to shoot myself into the sun. My synopsis. Okay. Mitchie, aka Demi Lovato, desperately wants to go to Camp Rock for the summer so she can have a summer that only has to do with the music. But it's too expensive. Her very hardworking parents find a way, but Mitchie can go as long as she helps her mom in the kitchen. Fair. Then three teenage lesbians show up, aka the Jonas Brothers, to drop off Joe Jonas, aka Shane Gray. Oh, he's a rambunctious. He's been a bad boy and he needs to go to camp to fix his shitty image and he acts as if this is a lifetime sentence in Guantanamo Bay. At camp, Shane pretends he's God's gift to Earth and treats everyone until Mitchie tells him to kick rocks. With flour all over her face. Meanwhile, Tess, the rich bitch, who wants to tear down anyone better than her, who's more talented than her, which turns out is everyone. Cause I'm too cool. I, I can't. Mitchie pretends not to know her very hardworking mother who cooks them all fucking food. And the truth finally comes out in front of everyone. Gasp. Tess is at it again. No one is more upset than Shane Gray, who feels betrayed by her web of lies. He tells her to have fun doing an interview, spilling all of his literal useless tea. And then we end with a final jam that will make you truly believe that there's nothing good in this world and an asteroid should have hit us years ago. This is Camp Rock 2, you know. And here are my top 10 times in this movie that I wanted everything to end. Okay. You watched it to completion. And by end, I mean, like, life itself. I don't mean just, oh, I want to turn this off. I want all the lights in the world to go off. Okay. Got it? Got it. Cool. We're gonna go ten to one. One's the worst. Oh, yes. Okay, I'm here for this. Okay. Ten. Totally blingalicious. Was an actual, those are two words that were said to comment on someone's jewelry. I wanted to die. Nine. When she covers her face in flour so Shane Gray doesn't know that she works with her mother in the kitchen. And that's somehow totally normal. Sounds like a fair disguise. Eight. The teacher yelling, Holla! Wanted to die. Wanted to absolutely fold myself into the couch. The whitest, gingerest woman. Oh god, oh god. I Stop. No, the guy when the stuff comes from the sky and he goes, Graham crackers! I I Of course I know. Of course I know. I watched it yesterday. I wish I didn't know. I wish I never knew. But here we are. I can't breathe. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Tess performance of Too Cool is number six. Slay. No, it's a slay. She's literally the worst. She has a terrible voice. She literally can't dance. Why does she have so many backup singers? Why does she have so many backup dancers? What has she done to deserve this other than have a rich mom? I don't know. She's skinny and blonde and pretty. That's one reason why. Shoot her into the sun. Pretty privilege. Number five. When the Jonas Brothers are in the car and Joe says, I don't want to waste my summer at some camp. I'm Shane Gray for crying out loud. Are you seeing Grey? I can't. They apparently reenacted it more recently on TikTok and people were losing their shit about it. Gross. Uh, uh, collectively as a society we have decided that this is terrible. Just so you know. Yeah. No. I'm, I'm there. Cool. The next two are for Katelyn. Specifically. Okay. Who is, who is the best of the movie? As far as friends go. Fair, but still. When Katelyn says, Check me out, and plays one second of music on her laptop, that's not even that good. She literally presses one button and is like, what? I, I have a hot take. She walked so that Anna Kendrick's character in Pitch Perfect could run. That's fair. Have you ever seen like Just like, I wanna be a producer, I'm about the music. And then you don't do something that impressive at all. She is the most logistically correct in this movie, I feel like. A hundred percent. Wow, I've said that more than you this episode. Very weird. But, I totally agree. Third, Cailin's performance at the Pajama Jam. She does this thing where she plays on the piano and then goes like behind her back. People react as if she is literally giving birth in front of them for the first time. Anyone's ever done it. The reaction this girl gets to the worst performance I've ever seen. They've been loving her. I wanted to fold into the couch. Number two, whatever major loser. The people were, people were doing that in school, like people were quaking over that. So Tess does it to Caitlyn and she holds up a W in front of her forehead, then spins it on the side to do an E, then spins it down to do an M and then flips it to an L. And Demi Lovato says, and she's like, that was so last year. Everybody knows that. I guess not everybody. Burn. She thinks this is a clapback. This is one of the worst things I've ever witnessed. One of the worst things I've ever seen with my own two eyes. Wait, I just And I have trauma, for the record, full blown trauma. Would rather not ever see that ever again. Okay, noted. Number one. I'm so excited. is when Joe Jonas starts leading a dance class and he walks in in these white And he walks in and he's like, Everybody get over there to the corner and keep up if you can. And goes on to do a dance. That's, that's the worst, it's the worst thing I've ever seen. And, and you would think, and they're all trying to act like they don't know every step to the dance already. Like, they're just catching up. I wanted to die. I wanted to burn this world to the ground. And I need you to know that. There's a second one. So I will say an honorable mention because I truly could not bring myself to watch the second is the march. We have to talk about the march. Because in Camp Rock 2. There is a march where they go to a rival camp and they do a full march stomp thing. That is so fucking funny. It's like territorial. So fucking cringy and if you watch it you will not be able to stop cackling, but you will also want to be by your couch and burn the world to the ground. No, 100%. It's hilarious. So those are my top 10. Here are my notes. Is there a better feeling in the world than the last day of school before going into the summer? Fair. Feral animal energy for sure. Mitchie's dad can get it. He's a hear me out. Okay. Mitchie's dad can get it. Okay, I'm picking up what you're putting down. When she gets to camp, And one of the kids starts banging on the side of the bus with his drumsticks to make music and people are dancing off of the bus. I, I almost ended it right there. And she's like, my dream. I almost left my house and never came back. I was like, well, it's been real everyone. We're 20 minutes in. Oh, I missed one of my top 10. Oh, you did? Well, one, no number. Every a cappella performance, anything done, unless you are Cynthia Erivo, you cannot do a cappella. I'm sorry. It's fair. Anything a cappella makes me. So uncomfortable. You have to be incredible. You can't just be medium. You have to be Pitch perfect, though. Yes, because they're the instruments. Oh, I get the chills. Right, but their mouths are the instruments. I mean, no noise behind you, nothing. You are singing solo. No piano, no guitar. You alone are singing. I want to die. Okay, another Feral Animal Energy moment is when, and there is a wicked funny SNL skit with Will Ferrell on this, when, if you've ever done theater, you know exactly what I'm talking about, when they post the list. Of what order you go in, or who is cast as who. The set list. Unlike any other. And that was like for the final jam, right? Yeah, it's not like when your art, your favorite artist comes out on stage. It's like, I tried out for something, maybe what team you're on. If you're on Varsity or JV, you're just waiting to see the list. Yeah. Federal. I can't imagine a place you personally, Colleen would rather be than a band camp over the summer with teenagers. As this was happening and as they were breaking into song and even the teachers were getting into it, I was like, Colleen would actually drown herself in the lake. You would like it. I, I think it would be great. I think it would be hilarious. I would lean into it. You would fucking hate it. I would be Shane Gray in this situation. Guantanamo Bay, here I come. By the way, your lip gloss is so not glossy anymore. Was also a burn. Kind of still a burn. No, yeah. I'd be offended if someone said that to me. I'd be like, well, shit. Fuck. Gotta get on that. I'm just ugly then. You know? Asa LaVista is kind of a bop. Kind of. Not? Not? She's, I don't know her name, but she's so good. Lola? Yes. Yes, it is. Fuck. I'm indoctrinated. So, do you like it? So, are we gonna watch the second one after we leave the room? No, I'd rather die. Whatever. Okay, Ocelot Vista's kind of a bop, uh, when Tess fucks up because her mom's on the phone and then she goes into the corner and fake cries. Scream crying laughing. Her character development gets better. Doesn't she flip to the other team? No. Yes, she does in the second one. I watched a clip of it. Oh, yes, she does go to the other. Yeah, fuck off. Nevermind, sorry. Took me so long. Don't fucking question me on my camp rock knowledge. You're right. You're more, you're more up to date. She's a professional. God help me. The duet, and this is me, like I said, I'm sure had the people quaking. In Margaret Wins. Go Margo. Get it, Marks. And yeah, that, those are my camp rock thoughts. She's the only deserving character, not even what's her name, fucking Caitlyn, Caitlyn Also, when she pretends to not know her fucking mother, I was so upset. When her mom comes up and like introduces herself at the table, I'm like, this woman is not only paying for you to be here, but making every one of these grubby little teenagers food. And you're ashamed? Yeah. You should say she's in China? Huh? You should, you are, you should be ashamed. Yeah, no, you ungrateful little twat. Yeah, she's a twat. Get a grip. Mitchie. Mitchie. Beginning scene where she's getting ready and she's like, Who will I be? I can't, anything Joe Jonas does in that whole, when he's like, have fun talking to the Hollywood reporter about all the stuff I gave you, I, kill me. He also says to her at one point like, I don't play the music I love, I play what the label wants to hear. I'm like, you are a teenager, you are a lesbian teenager, and you cannot tell me differently. Okay, but those white jeans at the time, like they were all wearing on tour, like in real life as Jonas Brothers. He was flipping the microphone and his little swipey swipe bangs. I. I can't even tell you how disgusted I was. You were obsessed with them and their hair back in the day. They're disgusting. Um, and their skinny jeans. It was too much. It was much too much. But here's the thing. That's the beauty of this. It's like you look back and you go, oh my god, at the time, that was hot. Like they were the pinnacle of boy band fandom. People were rabid animals over them. If you didn't think that Nick Jonas was gonna die from diabetes, then who even were you? Who even were you? You all thought he was gonna die? Oh yeah, they came out with a song. A little bit longer and I'll be fine. And everyone's like, holy shit, he's gonna die. And he would like cry performing it. Stop. You don't know what you got until it's gone. Oh my god, I could cry. And everyone was like, he's gonna die. Oh my god. He just has diabetes. Who even were you? I can't. I fucking can't. I am so unwell. Teenagers are at a standstill. I'll, I'll say it again. We have been given a lot of topics on this podcast. This has been my least favorite and favorite all at the same time. This has truly been bittersweet. Fair. I watched Passport to Paris. Which, couldn't have thought of a better name. How fucking dare you passport to Paris couldn't have been like, I don't know anything better than that. We're off to a tough start I mean, it's not negative. I don't have negative reviews. I just have thoughts and these are my thoughts as I watched Okay, I literally put in chronological order bear with me. Okay Right off the bat she opens her locker the decked out lockers with like everything possibly in it and there's a spinny thing with all of the sunglasses on it that Okay, the spinny thing with the sunglasses was for rich bitches. That, like, deck out inside of your locker thing was so fucking real. Really? Yes. I had pictures, I had all sorts of shit in there. Did you have lockers in middle school? Okay. Middle school and high school. Okay. I loved a locker. It felt very coming of age. I, I felt like I was in a movie every day. Which, you know, I loved Yes, of course. But I feel like everyone was like that. Yeah. And like people meet up with you at your locker. Like, Hey, Mimi Locker 1207, bye. I didn't have a locker until high school and I was so stressed out about it and it to a point where I didn't, this is when I knew I had anxiety. I wouldn't go to it because it stressed me out so much to get there and like open it and like make sure I had the right things. And what if I forgot a book? Like it freaked me out so bad. Oh yeah, so I would just, I would just put everything in my bag. I never went to my locker ever. Colleen. Yeah, to this day I don't even think I know how to help you. So you can put half of your bags in. By senior year, I did not give a fuck, obviously. But like, freshman, sophomore year, probably still junior year, I was like, And you know freshman year all of your classes are on the top floor and then like your locker is in the basement and you had to like and I was fat and you gotta sprint and you gotta sprint and it's just like you have two minutes and then like one time this teacher slammed my locker door closed on me because I was running late and told me that sucks and I was like what? Okay that's fucking rude. Yeah I know she's dead now it's fine but. May she rest in peace. She's fine there's also a. She's fine. She's fine I guess she was nice. She's not to me, but anyways, didn't do a locker. Didn't do the locker thing. That's crazy to me. So my high school had two hills. Yeah, I remember. You do? Yeah. You remember my high school? Yes. It was across the street from middle school. And we would sled. No, it wasn't. And we would sled. No, no, no. The elementary school and the middle school are across the street. Oh. High school's in a different spot. I do remember hills, though. Maybe I'm just thinking of, I'm meshing two memories together. Oh, yes, I am, because I remember the football field. I'm meshing two memories together. Yeah, I mean inside of the high school. That's weird. Were two ramps. That's weird. So some of your classes were down, so if you had to go up and up three floors, you were literally sprinting up. So if you were late for class, you were sprinting uphill. I don't know what the fuck I'm saying. That's, that's like. Rude. Rude. Disrespectful. And like, not safe? Question mark? And I, I dressed truly someone who just rolled out of bed when I went to high school. Oh, did you? There are, there are bitches who are in heels, wedges, running up a ramp to get to class. You went to high school people that wore wedges? Oh, girl, we could do a whole, I think we already have, but we could do a whole other episode on what people wore to my high school. That's guaranteed. I was really cute for like the first two weeks when you wear your back to school clothes. And you're like slaying. Yeah, and you have your boots and your jeans and your new tops. It gets to a point though where you're in jeans and a hoodie and like Uggs and just calling it a day. You know? Leggings. That interests me. I was also a cheerleader, so I would go to practice and change, and we'd gym and change. Like, I don't want to be in jeans and keep changing throughout the day. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. Did you ever wear your cheer uniform to school? Is that real in high school? Yeah. Only on days they requested, though. It wasn't like You know, it was a Tuesday and I just felt like it would be, you know, the pep rally. I would wear it or before a competition or before certain events, I would wear it. But yeah, because you know, I, why did you see that memory just spark in my eye? Yes. What I was in Spanish class. And I was sitting down and she changed the space of the Spanish class so we sat in a U. Mm hmm. And across the way, these two boys kept looking at me and I, and I knew them and I was like, what the fuck are your problems? Like why are you keep giggling at me? My legs were open. I had a skirt on. And after class, I was like, yeah, so you should probably cross because when I'm sitting with jeans on, I'm not, you don't think about it. No. I'm like, what? You know, I don't wear a skirt to school often. Yeah. And then one of those times I just happened to give everybody a show accidentally. That's I was mortified. I cried. That's sad. I was such a little lad. She's just an innocent little lad. Yeah, I was modest and a little shy. Now I give up. I'm like, fucking who cares. See, at the time I was like, Oh, No, not for you. Anyway, it's for the Lord. No, we didn't. We were weirdly enough. Actually, we weren't allowed to wear cheer uniforms because it was like inappropriate, but like we'd wear them to games. So it just didn't make any fucking sense. Mind you, I wore a uniform for like 13 years, so I don't know what dressing for school is like. Like I have no idea. Oh, that's also so weird. So when I was a little, little, like preschool, we wore uniforms in, in in elementary school and then we moved and I went from a Catholic preschool where we wore uniforms every day to dressing myself and I remember at that time it was weird. I can't even imagine doing that for the rest of my Yeah, I like when I went to college I was like it's just like weird to wear clothes to class like I didn't even I wore a dress from like kindergarten to I think seventh grade and then seventh grade on I wore like a skirt like a And like tights every day. And we weren't allowed to, we could wear a sweater, right? It wasn't a sweater, a sweater vest in seventh and eighth grade with like a white button down underneath. And then I could wear polos in high school with, and I could, or I could wear a cardigan if it was cold on top of it with, uh, but still the tights with the, we used to be able to wear knee highs, but girls were ruining it because they were just like wearing thongs and nothing else underneath their skirt and like, they would go up the stairs and teachers would be like, what the fuck? Cause my high school was like four floors. So. If we're gonna do anything in high school, we're gonna make it slutty. So shout out to the whore that ruined that for us and we had to wear tights in the heat of September. Oh no. And you know when you wear tights and you're, it gets itchy? So like your ass, yes, on those seats? No, quite literally hell. Torture. And like we didn't do gym or anything so like I didn't really, like I don't have those experiences, you know? Oh my, you didn't do gym? No. Were you forced to run a mile, though? We've talked about this. When I was little, little. But we also had a gym uniform. Oh my god, that's so weird. Now, when you had to pick out your own clothes in college, were you like, this is fucking weird? Yeah. Yes. I was like, what do people wear to class? You never talked about this. I didn't have, I only had going out clothes. Like I didn't have, like I had You're like ready to pussy pop or ready to go to church, period. Yeah. Yes, I'm ready to either go to church, could have worn my fucking uniform, which the amount of people that wore a uniform as Halloween costumes freshman year of college is like Schoolgirl is crazy. I mean, it's already in your repertoire. It's in the closet. I'll try to find it. I think it's at my house though, but I just show up one day in my outfit. No, I, I had like pussy popping clothes for like the night and then I would have like, lay around wear. Like I didn't have, I didn't have like mid clothes to wear to class. I was like, what the fuck do you wear? I had no idea. So that's that. Interesting. And so I always ask them, like, is that real? In high school you wear your uniform to class? I think we were allowed to, but we have to wear, like, leggings underneath. Like, imagine that. No. Nope. Where did we go from that? Oh yeah, we were talking about the lockers with the spinny glasses. Jesus Christ, we go on tangents. Also, can't grasp the idea of having a twin. if we had twins, like, we were twins. We have identical twin cousins. It's identical. I literally said, why was it wasted on Sean and Tom? Because like, if I was a twin or if you were a twin, you would take over the world. You could literally take over the world. I'm telling you. That's like two brains. And you could like, and you could get away with everything. Well Sean and Tom tried. Yeah, that's true. Okay. So sorry, guys. Sorry for the slander. They're going to come for us. I don't, I don't mean it was genuinely wasted. I just meant like, I just feel like things could have been done. What are you expecting more to happen? I don't know. If you have a twin. I don't know. Like double, double everything. Double the intelligence. Like double the, double the, Activity, I don't know. Two heads are better than one. Yes. In style. Like, like, I think you're operating under the same. Think about how often I'm like, I stop thinking and then you just finish it for me. Like imagine if I had a person all the time that looked exactly like me that could just like do that. Yeah. So sometimes twins don't act and think exactly the same. It's not a replica of you all the time. I know, but like they would understand the thought process. I don't know. Just, I just feel like we could have done more. Sean and Tom, get on it. What have you been doing, wasting away all these years? Sorry guys, that's not what I meant. I don't take it back though, it's payback for tying me to the pole. We've all been tied to the pole, okay? So live alone! It's like coming out of age jail. I literally wrote, if we were twins we could literally take over the world. Great. My favorite lines from, I'm just gonna rip it. Please. My four favorite lines were, That class is totally S& C. Snooze and Cruise. Duh! Like, as in like, that's just like the most boring class ever. We said that in elementary school. Did you? In middle school. Yeah, Snooze and Cruise. Yeah. After this movie. What class is a Snooze and Cruise for you? I mean, science always. Math always. They mean Snooze and Cruise as in you don't have to pay attention and you still pass. I mean Snooze and Cruise as I don't care. Got it. Which was most of them. Same. Fair. Makes sense. They look at, one of them looked at their parents and said, if we were running the world, there would be no wars and way more pool parties. And the other one goes, yeah, and we would always be smiling or something like that. I'm like, Mary Kay and Ashley for president. I mean, what a thought. There would be no wars and more pool parties. More pool parties. Pool parties. Pool parties. I mean, we need those two. Those two. Honestly, those two. St. Patrick's Day parade. We need them. Anyways, last one to the Louvre. Is a rotten baguette. No notes. I have nothing to say. That is, oh man, that is so good. The way I was, well, they get, when they get, they announce that they're going to Paris because they need to be more like with the world. First of all, they're like fucking 12. What do you mean? I have literally, I've never, I haven't left the country and I'm 26. When they take a limo to go get McDonald's french fries. Oh, yes. Iconic. No, yes. and they are just handed passports. Not believable. When did you go take those photos? I'm just wondering. And also like the, uh, about it. You ungrateful little wenches. Yeah, true. That's true. And they're like, but, can't, because the med asked us to the dance. Like, shut up, it's not the end of the world. Just go to Paris and eat your baguette and shut up. And then they get, oh, their grandpa just happens to be the fucking French ambassador. Please. Please! Listen, this is Mary Kay and Ashley's world and we are living in it. Apparently. And they are just pussy popping to rap music at the embassy. And then they're like shocked when grandpa yells at them. Like this totally sucks. But then they get off though. Oh, they're sorry. They're not worldly, but when they get off the plane and they're in the taxi cab headed to the embassy, they're like, Oh, look, there's that. And there's that get up there. Shut up. You clap, you know, more than I do. And I'm like, I can't even point to France on a map. I can't even pronounce that. What do you mean? Shut up. The arc, the arc or whatever, the arc day, something. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So they're like, Oh, look at that. We know that. Yes, you know it's hard to triumph this. Yeah, but they have to be sent there because they're not worldly enough? Please. Please. Privileged much? Ordering pizza to the embassy. Slay. I love it. Slay. I love it. Slay. Justice for Jeremy. Which one's Jeremy? Their caretaker. The annoying assistant. Oh, yes! Though, I would have drowned them. Oh, I know exactly, now that you said his name, I know exactly who he is. Jayman? He's like the butler, almost. Yes, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's just like, I'm trying to get in good with the, the, With the man. The ambassador. And they're like, running away from him for like, French little chodes. And he's like, I'm just trying to keep my job. And keep food on the table. And they're just running amok. Okay, but the moment where they think the boys won't be able to tell them apart. Okay, you really hyped, overhyped it. How dare you? It was just like a two second thing. Like, if I didn't know about it already, I would have completely bypassed it. It held the world by its grasp. People were on the edge of their seats. What people? All of us watching. We're like, will they know them apart? I would like to take a tally. And when they split and go the other way, you're like, Oh, thank God. The way the one, first of all, no, no, no, unrealistic expectations for men at a very young age. No wonder we are all fucked. They can't even communicate. They can't speak English. They can't speak French. They literally aren't communicating at all. Everything they say is wrong, yet they're in l'oeuvre. Please. And they just don't have cell phones and they just meet up. Listen, they're 12. Their balls have not dropped. Listen, this was the 90s. What, anything went in the 90s? It was the best place to be. In Paris? Anything was possible. I can't. I And also one of them was that when they were at like dinner or whatever and they order food Oh, this is a scene that I hated they go out to dinner No, they go to lunch. Sorry. J man is like, hey, we have to go It's on the itinerary like we have to go to lunch per your grandpa. So they're like, okay Yeah, but the boys are coming with us and he's like no they're not and they're like, yes They are and they just get in the car like you're an asshole How about invite personal like invite them be nice, but can they come? Grandpa's paying, so just ask, don't be rude. So then they get in, they go to lunch and J Man's just sitting at the end of the table. Like, I'm going to kill myself listening to these people. They can't even communicate. They don't even know what they're saying to each other. And the waiter comes over and says like, what can I get you for lunch? And she, or one of them orders lunch and says like, can I get the sauce on the side? And the guy's like, no, you can't get the fucking sauce on the side. You just get the, like, you're at a nice place. And like the cook does it that way. He just does it with the sauce, whatever. And she's like, but why can't I have a sauce on the side? And they hate Americans already. You can tell. So just like be nice. And she's just like, but why imagine a 12 year old is saying that to you. And like, you're, I would straight up be like, shut the fuck up and leave the restaurant, like shut up. And the boy at the table stands up and is like, yeah, is yelling at the waiter. And then the waiter is like, okay. And walks away and they're like, Oh, what did you just say to him in French? And he's like, I told him like to never talk to a lady like that. And like, shove it up their ass. Basically is what he told the waiter. These people are 12. I would have kicked them into the river by now. Cause they're at like this really nice restaurant that overlooks the river. And so then the boy's like, we'll show you the real Paris. And so Jeremy's like, what did they say? The real Paris. And so Jeremy goes to the bathroom and they ditch, they ditch one. No, they don't even get the food that you just desperately needed. A sauce on the side and caused a legit scene at the restaurant. Like, no, that's so rude. Not impressed with any party in this scenario. I'm not. I'm not. With your actions, I'm not okay. I love how you started this with like, I have no, I have no negative feedback. That was my only negative feedback, I swear. But I mean, the movie was fine, like it gave me a good giggle, gave me all the good feels. The fits. The fits were iconic. Of course. The bandanas. I remember having those, but like I had a weird head that never fit correctly. I was so upset. The puka shell necklaces. Yes. The platforms. I would, I would wear their outfits that they wore right now. If you, if they came in my size and would fit more than, more than my size. Would you do the hair clips though? Yeah. You would not you would not do some butterfly ass hair clip. Maybe not the butterfly one, but I would do like I would do that Yeah, where they pin both what describe what you just did with your hair. Oh, sorry. I took both of my hands No, just like pin back on each side. Yeah, like a little swoop back. She forgets sometimes we're not visual I'm like making smoke signals about my head. Oh my god, and My one key takeaway, like, truly was like, wait, this was over a one week span. Yeah. So they found love in like two days in a foreign land with people they can't communicate with. Hey Colleen. Yeah? Could you not ruin this for us? Sorry. Well, you just I know, decimated Camp Rock. You just threw the fuck out. Fire. I know. Camp Rock. I know. I deserve this. We deserve this. I can put a shiv in passport to Paris. Yes, you can. Yes, you can. No, but it was fine. I love Mary Kate and Ashley. But I was just like, hmm. A lot of questionable things happening. This had the people quaking. I don't get it. But that's fine. That's fine. But they are a slay anywhere you put them. And then when they try to go all like, you're gonna tell me you convinced the ambassador of France or whatever to like clean up the water at dinner, please. Please! You just spit out escargot in the waiter's face, you asshole. I totally forgot about that. And she does it multiple times. She's like, well, this is funny. Why are we drinking grape juice at dinner? And it's wine. Grow up. Grow up. You're in France, bitch. Grow up. If you can find love in four days, you can drink wine. Eat a baguette. Drink some wine and shut the fuck up. You're in the city of love. You're gonna run away from Jeremy, aka J Man? You better, and you're gonna think you're an adult? Act like a fucking adult. How about that? Throw it back. Throw back the wine. And grow up. And he finds love at the end. Honestly. And also the model was so unrealistic. Like, you're going to tell me this beautiful, kind model. We're not here for realistic. No, you're right. You're right. I've got to throw the realism out of the way. Yeah. Yeah. This is really just fun and fancy free. No, it was fun and fancy. Did you feel dirty, flirty, and thriving? I felt old. I felt old. Oh for sure. And I felt sad. I agree though, they're like best friends, they always fall in love with these like cute cute boys. You know what it is? It's bitter. It's not like I'm mad that this isn't realistic. I'm bitter. I'm bitter that it's not realistic. I'm bitter. Yeah. Yeah. You can't just go to France for a week and wear cute wedges and fall in love with two random strangers. Wow. That's all. What a time to be alive. I can't even do any of that here, in this country. What a time to be alive. Woo! That was good. Okay, so, I did watch one more thing for you. It was a sleepover? It was sleepover. I literally couldn't be happier. So, let me just say this, Yancy, I didn't do a full justice for fucking Yancy for so many reasons. I could cry right now. Let me just, after Camp Rock. The pregnant teens, the dry humping, this felt fresh, this felt all star, this felt upgraded. Oh, thank God. Even with the 15 percent on Rotten Tomatoes, even with Don't listen to Rotten Tomatoes. Even with the 4 rental fee, I was like, we need some zhuzh in our lives after what we have just witnessed. And let me just say, I get it. I totally get it. It was obviously past my time. It did not hit when I was that age. Oh, I didn't expect it to. I totally get why it had the people quaking. Julie Corky. Julie. Julie's crushing it. Also, being invited to a sleepover is the best feeling in the world. When they invite Yancey, I wanted to cry for her. I was like, oh, Yancey. What is it? Would you rather have a brownie or a piece of celery? What is it? Okay, we'll get to it. Okay, sorry, sorry. So, first of all. Evan Peters. It's, it's giving Shia LaBeouf's character an even Stevens, like the goofy. Yes, he does it all. He does it all. Jane Lynch. Sue Sylvester as the mom, iconic. When she's dancing in the, in the club on that platform, and she's like, ew, my mommy was a saran wrap and drives a Volvo. What is she doing here? I was dying. And the dad's trying to fix the house and is making everything 5, 000 times worse. I'd have sex with him. Dad, of course you would. Dad, stop fixing the sink. The water doesn't just get a brita. Like, it's just not that hard. It's just not that hard. Um, also, Brie Larson. Baby Brie Larson, Steve motherfucking Carell. He comes up as a cop. I I died. I looked it up I was like, there's simply no way this came out in a one year before the office so when he keeps spinning around in there with the mannequin in the window and they're just like Posing. I was dying. Her brother eating peanut butter out of the jar with his finger. Disgusting. You're nasty. You're gross. Get fucked. He's so, he's so lucky he bounces back and has a character arc because my good lord that was ridiculous. Why was the dog very similar to looking to happy in seventh heaven? They speak to each other. I don't know. They're both snitches. Hobbies. When they're making a profile and they write hobbies and one of them says eating cheese. Understood. No notes. Totally get it. When they dress her in that red dress with the paisley tie or the paisley scarf. I'm like aroused right now in happiness. She looks like a baby prostitute. Would I wear that red dress? A hundred percent. Yes. I used to own it in navy blue. And when they just so happen to rip off the sleeves and they cut the dress and it's perfect. I'm like, okay, bitches. But when they all like pile into the car and take a picture, I'm like, this is cute. Everybody loves a scavenger hunt. Like we all want to be part of a scavenger hunt. Okay. Definitely not safe to drive though. The smart cars though. With the four of them in that car. Definitely not safe. Justice for Yancey, first of all, what the fuck is that name? Who named that girl? What the fuck is happening? Second of all, she jokes that she was forced to stand on a scale in front of a bunch of classmates to make fun of her. That is a hate crime. I will die on this hill. Fucking hate crime. No. Yeah. Then she's chubby and she's upset about it and one of her friends says, do you like celery or do you like brownies? And she says, is that a trick question? And she's like, yeah, so you should just date men who like brownies. What's the blonde? That blonde one's name again? I loved her. Loved her. Hannah. Yes. Hannah. She's a baddie. Hannah's great. And so Hannah's like, date other brownies. I would have loved a different scenario than celery versus brownie, but I think it's actually kind of nice where it's like just date, there's a lid for every pot kind of thing. Yeah. Yancey. Marry. The man, the speaker guy, marry the speaker guy. Oh, I'll cry right now. I'm not kidding. And when she finds out that she was the replacement for the sleepover, I was like, I would die for Yancey. I feel, I feel that justice needs to be served for her. I still feel that way. And I feel like someone needs to be lit on fire. We need a where are they now segment, man. The teacher that goes on the date. With an eighth grader. You're a predator. A lot of follow up questions there, but he says when she walks up, I know I might be dis I know I might be a disappointment physically, but I have great wit and I need you to put that on my tombstone. That isn't the best line. Because he thinks he's going on a date with a supermodel. But actually his 13 year old student shows up, but she has sunglasses on so he can't recognize her. And so he says, I know I might be a disappointment physically, but I have great wit. And I feel that so deeply. Yeah. No, no. It spoke at a young age. No, it was great. Like, the music was great. When the boys all pretend to be the Spice Girls. To distract the dad. The thing that, the moment that had us, like, like, you just spoke about Mary Kate and them switching or whatever. When he gives her the crown. No. At the end. When she wheels by on the skateboard. It stopped time. Oh. It's with, with the scarf in the wind. And he's like, Oh my God, who's that girl with the red dress? Yes. Also Julie Corky. Julie fucking Corky. When she's in the shower and just watching him undress, peeping Tom, I'm sorry, I have to say it. Oh, I mean, what would you do in that situation? I'd be like, Oh my God, he doesn't know I'm looking. This is creepy. Oh. I would hold my breath. And then he steals her breath. I am Martha. Oh my God, Colleen. You're too much. But yeah, I, I totally got it. I was really sad because when your best friend moves away when you're a kid, that's like the best. upsetting. So when Julie and Hannah, at the end, Hannah's going to a different high school, it's very upsetting. But Julie's fine. Julie got the homecoming king. Julie's ready. Julie's ready to rumble. Isn't he the senior? He is. He's hot. He's divine. I mean, he wasn't hot to me now, but I could, at the time, rewind 20 years ago, I'd be like, oh, that's so amazing. So you would what? He like had that mole, and you're like, oh, a mole has never looked so divine. So, yeah, it's been an interesting 48 hours, everybody. And so Colleen asked me to do some research on TikTok, and I said, no, I said, I will not haunt my algorithm for the rest of its days with stupid fucking camp rock marching beats for you. But I will say I finally watched Sleepover. We've been talking about this for a very long time. Are you proud? I am. Nature is healing. It's healed us. Good, it was just Earth Day, so perfect timing. The Earth's going to shit. I just immediately started thinking about the ozone layer. Do you know what, though? Sometimes you're like, oh, we're all on a floating rock in the sky that's on fire. It's just like not that big of a deal. Like, your email from marketing isn't that big of a deal. No, it's not. They don't care about you. If you die tomorrow, you'd be replaced by next week. Shut up. I actually saw something that was like, hey, if you feel like you're an overachiever, just know if you died, you'd be replaced by the end of the month. And I was like, humbled. I'm just saying if an asteroid was plummeting to this earth and everyone goes to their bunkers, I am getting a beach chair and catching out on the lawn and waiting patiently. Yeah, I think we should grab some drinks and go to the beach. And just wait. Wait it out. For our untimely demise. She's that stupid Gen Z fucking tongue out thing. Oh lord. Like Rod from Seventh Heaven. Oh, God. Oh, God. I think we've done enough tonight. We have. Okay. Well, everybody, we hope you have a wonderful week. We hope you follow the path of the Lord so that you don't become a filthy Oh, one person that gets confused. As a pet. As a corgi to a new family. Worst trick. And just don't be a Julie. Just don't do it. And don't be Tess. Tess sucks. Or be Tess. No. Don't be Tess. Tess sucks. She has no talent. Just be nice to people. Be the best version of Mary Kate and Ashley. Okay. That's fair. Yeah. That's fair. Have your fits on lock. Go all over the world. Slay the day away. Make your grandfather pay for it. Be nice to fucking waiters. How about that? Be nice to your butler and get McDonald's french fries on a limo. And that's all I have to say. Sleigh Love you mean it. Everybody. Love you mean it. Bye bye. Thank you for Shannon. This podcast was produced by me, Bridget Shannon. Music is written and performed by Matt Deros. You can find his band Super Stoker anywhere you listen to music.