Judgement Day: Part 1

On this week’s episode, it’s our THREE YEAR ANNIVERSARY!!! How on EARTH has it been three whole ass years?! We honestly can’t believe you’re still listening to us but we love you for it.

To celebrate the occassion, we’re debuting a special edition (and now official segment) called JUDGEMENT DAY, where we dress up like Judge Judy and do what we were born to do… judge people. The Sippers have spoken, we’ve scoured the internet (okay, mostly Reddit), and now we’re ready to deliver our sentencing.

Put your glasses on the bridge of your nose, hold onto your wigs, and prepare for chaos!! BOLOGNA!

Sources:

• Reddit - we ride at dawn for Reddit
• Dog Recognizes Owner - Reddit
• Balding at Sixteen: Judge Judy Episode - Youtube

Review and subscribe! You can find us on Instagram @Sippinwiththeshannons or send us your stories at Sippinwiththeshannons@gmail.com. Love you, mean it.

Transcript

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Stop. Everybody. Get on the floor. Bunny. We about to get let miss you one, two step. I love it when you want two step. Everybody want two step. I performed to that in the third grade at the talent Show the fuck up, Chloe. I swear. Why? I don't know. It was of the times I was ready to one, two step. This pussy. Can I tell you from my classmates what happened the other day? The BET awards happened and I didn't watch them 'cause I don't have cable. However, I keep seeing clips in Kevin Hart hosted, which, you know, he kill, he crushed it obviously from the stuff that I saw. And fucking B 2K came out in saying bump bubu, like, baby, turn around and let me see that sexy body go bubu. If you fucking know. She's shaking her head at me. She doesn't know if you know the way I was pussy popping in my living room. And then ti came out and it started, oh, what's that? That you can have whatever you lie. So he didn't, well I don't know if that's part of his performance, but he came out and all you heard was bring him out, bring him out. And I was like, this isn't fucking credible. I feel like it's 2003. I'm here for this. Anyway, that was the last time I felt felt alive. I, except for right now. Can you, can you please describe what you just said to me? How we look? We look like. I look like I'm ready to prosecute you for taking someone's lunch money. And you look like you belong in the Oval Office. Like you're legit running for office unopposed. Of course. So, or maybe even just like treasurer. I don't know what you're giving. I don't know the position. It's something I don't, but somewhere in the Oval Office, you know, if it had a theme song, it would be Dun. Dun. Did you hear that? Bam. Bam. Ba bam. Oh, it was a cr. It was a crinkle. Oh, the crinkle is crinkling. Do we need to prop her up more? No, I think she's okay. I just think that this just makes sense for us. You know, Colleen's stand just broke and so we duct taped it and it's not standing upright, which just makes sense. So today we're dressed up like Judge Judy. Yeah. We have wigs. Yeah, we have glasses. We look like we're 80 years old. Colleen actually said, I look like me as a little kid with a wig on. Yeah, you do. Which is ver, it's accurate. I look like a little kid playing dress up. I love wigs. So this is the first time I've ever worn a wig. I've never felt more alive. I can't believe it took me this long. What? Literally, what have I been doing? I didn't even know how to put it on. I was like, what are those straps? Where are those straps coming from? Explain the story. Our ancestors were like, yeah, they would be in a coma. They would, our grandmother would be in a coma, not even like great, great greats like our own grandmother would be like, what the fuck are you two doing? Explain this to the Pilgrims Coma. Immediate coma. We have Conti little glasses on. We have full black graduation robes on with like a little white bedazzled Co. Like we are in full getup. With the gavel order order in the cart. And we also watched Judge Judy before we started, and so we are in character. Mm-hmm. We, the amount of time she slaps the, and she goes, sh sh I wish I could be Judge Judy at work. Like, I wish I could be Judge Judy out in the real world. Like what's her story? We need a little background on her. Oh God, I'm a huge fan. Me too. She's going on the wall, the female wall I mentioned of like the women who made us Yeah. With Oprah and Reba and Dolly Judge Judy. Yeah. She's, she's getting at it front and center with Martha. Yeah. It's giving like mother God when she has her uh, not mother God, when she has her and like Robin Williams is on there and like Trump the way you fixate on certain things and then never let it go. It's crazy. Rob Williams. I'm like, rv, no. And they're like, no, it's Robin speaking to us right now. It's Robin. It's Robin speaking. It's easier. And he wants boots today. We ascend. I have never been more ready for an ascension. I've, I feel like a different person. I can't tell you what's happening to me right now. It does give correct in You're a redhead. I think that should also be pointed out. I'm like a curly brunette, and, and Colleen has gone full redhead. I'm giving, I'm gerdy. I don't care what you say. This is the first time we've dressed up for this podcast and it feels right and also took too long. You also look like you could be like a Luann. Oh, judge Luann or like Wendy or something. Mm-hmm. That's what you're giving? Mm-hmm. Interesting. Interesting. Yeah. Okay. I can work with that. I can work with that also. Hi, everybody. Hello, sorry. Welcome to this week's episode of SIP with the Shannon's. We're cousins and every other week we sit down, we sip on some wine, we wear wigs, we talk shit, and we have a good giggle. I'm Bridget Shannon. And I'm Colleen Shannon. And this is our three year anniversary. Yay. Say laugh for the people on the back. The gavels are gaveling. How do you feel year three? I feel. Can you believe it? Like, I can't believe you've had to do this shit for three years. You specifically, not me, I'm not talking about myself, but like that's crazy and like that at least deserves to be on the resume or some shit because then people will listen. So I definitely don't wanna do that. Well, you don't have to put the name of it, but you can put like editing, you know, skills soft, skills, soft. Oh, I definitely can edit. I can edit with my eyes closed. My hands tied behind my back. Yeah. What would you tell three year ago, Colleen? Three years ago to shut the fuck up. Colleen. No, seriously. Can you say something nice please? For once that Ozempic is out there and find it, let it guide you. You will be able to cross your legs well and shave your own ass whole independently, and stop making Fiona wax you. Mm-hmm. Well, you lay down on the living room floor. Yeah. Things are easier. Great. Outside of your way, how would you tell yourself? There's nothing else I would want. Now. Everything else has stayed the same thus far. The, the SIGs still pop the, I actually haven't smoked a stick in a while. Really? Yeah. The SIGs find me. I don't find the SIGs. You know, we still love a condiment. That was our first episode. We talked about condiments and potatoes. Yeah. That doesn't even feel like three years ago because like we still do that. Like I, yeah, especially the Spanish prayer that's in our first episode. Yep. That's a freaking flyer. And I was gonna say, you've done that on this podcast like three or four times now. Speaking of condiments, you know what I bought yesterday? Tell me craft sweet and sour slaps. Oh yeah. Yeah. You've switched to craft. Yeah, I did something kind of creepy and really unlike me that three year ago would not be, would be shook. I bought cottage cheese 'cause like whatever. No, I eat, I do eat cottage cheese, but I usually blend it into stuff. 'cause like, I don't like it 'cause I have the ishm and I'm telling you the texture just doesn't hit. Yeah, that's fair. Um, So I blended it with my immersion blender and then I put like, our onion dip. Oh, so it's not sour cream. It's, it's cottage cheese. Oh, so it's healthier for you? I think so. I'd like to think that. I think that's how it works. Yogurt and cottage cheese are like the, can you supplement to be a little bit healthier, I guess. But I did that today. It was very weird. I don't know how I feel about it. Taste. Taste are kind of the same. Just a little twang. Okay. That's all cool. But if you told 3-year-old, 3-year-old, three year ago me that I was eating cottage cheese, then I would say, what in skinny? And with a boyfriend. That's true. I forget about him sometimes. Mans sweet, sweet mans. Yeah. I would say there it does exist, but just. Give it some time, I suppose. Mm-hmm. But it's just like, you know when people are like, it'll come to you like, no, I don't wanna say that. You know, I would've told three year ago me shut the fuck up. Yeah. I hate when people do that. So it's like, I'm not saying that. I'm not saying that shit. I have no idea what he's doing with me, so I don't like Stop. Do I am. This is the day I kill her. Stop doing that. Stop it. Sorry. You deserve nice things. No, I do deserve. You deserve good things to happen to you. I do. You deserve a good man who does all the good things. He does Do the good things and you deserve it. Right. Say it. I deserve nice things. I said that like a year ago. You need to repeat it. I deserve the things that everybody else has. That's correct. How about that? And then some. Yeah. Bitch. What would you tell your three year go self? Permission to treat the witness as hostile. What would I tell my three? I ob I object. Sustained. Um, What would I tell three years ago? I would say, turns out more people will die. You thought it was done. You thought you were done, you thought you were past it. It ain't over. You're not the grim reapers coming back and not just one. Multiple. Multiple will come and go. Jobs will come and go. Men will come and go. And on the other end of it, you will have crossed off so many things off your bucket list. You can't even fathom it. You are better. You are brighter. You are hotter. You are richer. Well, that's subjective. Yeah, but that's because that with the memories comes, I am rich in all the ways that count. And that's what I would tell three years ago. Me. Did you write that down or did you just like come up with that? No, that's off the top of the dome. Good lord. That would take me years to figure out. And on that note, therapy, I, what's the word? That's not object. No, the opposite. I don't know. What are you trying retweet? I don't think that happens a lot. Amen. Amen. Power. Sorry. Don't know that's a good sound. No, that's, that's how we break those Colin. Power to the people. Don't gavel the fucking wine glass. I feel like that's step. I'm gonna gavel your ass. How about that? Ew. Not to yuck your yum, but leave me bee You're arse. What'd you do this weekend? Full blank. Like full blank. That was, oh my God. I said something. She asked me about something earlier and I said, yeah, it was like, Buhler Buhler. And she just dead eye looked at me and I go, oh my God. You don't get that reference? No. I, and she goes, she goes, no, I have no idea. And I go, crickets. It was like, is it from Bueller's Day off Ferris Bueller's Day off? Yeah, I know what it is. And they have a teacher and they go to class and he's calling out to Ferris Bueller. He's not answering 'cause he is not in class. He's doing attendance and he has this like deadpan voice where he goes Bueller, because it's his day off. Bueller. Eller. But it's been used to describe crickets basically. Like when you're calling out a no one answers. Got it. Got it. People in a meeting will go Eller like hello and a y home. And the car is coming from inside the home. Correct. But anyway, what'd you do this weekend? I don't think I did anything on oh, oh, oh on Friday I went to, I tried new Irish pub with my new squad, which is me, Aaron, Fiona, and Mans. Oh, love it. Yeah. He drives he third wheel or fourth wheels, correct? Correct. And he dds? Correct. Great. He puts the girlies in the car and we have a time. Oh, love him for that. Yeah, it was fun. We just went to a new place. There was a golden retriever walking around the bar. Loved it. They do Irish music on Sundays from 47 and they do $5 pizzas on Monday. So we must go back. That's all my favorite things. Yeah, right. Didn't did man say puppy and pet the puppy. He said, pu, look right there for you, A puppy. And it was a cute short and stout one. He says, I have a type short and stout. And I feel that way about dogs as well. So this self-awareness is key. Oh yeah, yeah. He was like, yeah, short, stout, extra fluffy, hairy. And you're like, me too. No, literally, me too. He's, he knows though. He's like, on Saturday I worked and I went out to Loco again. Why? It's not by choice. It was a birthday thing and everyone decided to congregate there. Don't worry. I was stirring the pot trying to get us to go somewhere else. It just didn't, it didn't happen. 'cause no one listens to me. It ended up being more of like, at least from my POV man's inauguration, because like the squad was there for a birthday. And there was like 20 of us there. He was meeting everyone for the first time. Yeah. So he met, like, he's met some of them like one-offs, but like as a whole, like, and it, it was great. It was like he was the star of the show, so it was fine. Oh, love that. I'm so glad it went well. Yeah, it was fine. And then on Sunday I had a engagement party for my, well, I saw you first obviously. Yes, briefly. I had a really rough morning. I, you don't say I, I awoken and I really don't do well. Not waking up in my space. I like to wake up and be unwell in my, obviously my home. Like I woke up at Man's and I didn't, I thought I had contacts and I didn't, so I was not wearing any contacts and I also didn't have any clothes. So I was in like, boy shorts. No, she, I said, you look like a little brother. Like, you look like my little brother went too hard last night. No. Yeah. And my, I had little, my little heels on, so it was like, I'm just not a kitten heel to go with. No. If there was ever a thought that his neighbors thought I was a hooker or a prostitute, it's confirmed now. Like they absolutely think that, and we get in the car, he gets me coffee. I completely miss my mouth. I'm covered in coffee. I burp so loud, and then I, the whole time he's just like, puts, puts hand on my leg. I'm like, you know this ain't right. Good man. I had like five Cowlicks Savannah. He's a good man. He's a good man. Savannah. Lock him in. Lock him in, dude. Lock that shit down. Yeah. No, we're still lying. I told him about the ozempic. Okay. It went fine. Like I was like mid-sentence. I started rambling and he was like, sh it's okay. It's fine. And said all the things he's supposed to say because good men don't care. Yeah. He was just like, okay, cool. Yeah. And that was, that was that. And then he made me chicken nuggets. I mean, my good lord. What is a better reaction than that? I, I can't think of one. Oh, sorry. Keep doing, it's an accident, Colleen. It's an, I swear to God it was an honest mistake. I was just popping my elbows. I will throw you out that window. Bring in the dance and lobsters. What was that show? I remember that show from back in the day with the, the courtroom focus. Court adjourned. What did I do? What did I do? What did I do? Oh, yeah. So then I was like, oh, hey Yang. I definitely was supposed to see you at like what time? 12? Yeah. Yeah. I think I got home at 12. I got home really well. Yeah, we didn't see you for a while. Yeah, I showed up around one and I had to be at said engagement party at two, and I thought the engagement party was 20 minutes away. Of course it was over an hour away. So needless to say I was late to both events. Colleen does not do maps, does not know where things are located. I, I actively looked at it when I was sitting at the table with you and Karen and I was like, oh, I should have it starts in two minutes. I should have left 58 minutes ago. So that's that. But it was lovely. The weather was lovely. It was in Ipswich, which would die to live there. It's all like wicked old farmhouses. My vibe. Yeah, it was a time and then on the way home I was gonna come see you, but then you ever so rudely turn off your location, which is equivalent to like actually kicking me out and locking the door and never, like, not hanging out with me for like a year. It's the cruelest thing you could do to me is turn off your location. Like, I just need my access to you. I need to know what's going on. I need you to know where you are. It's just, it's disrespectful is what it is. Like we share blood. What the fuck is that? So I was a little upset. Texted them both. They told me I couldn't know their location until I solved a riddle. I solved the riddle. Did I solve the riddle? It was, the answer was in the riddle. What was it? I don't remember off the top of my head, but it was, the name of my street was in the riddle. Oh, well I was thinking outside of the box. So, but also it could have, it could have been what I said. I said it could be the Shannon Girls group message. How, how would a meeting location be? A group message? We were telling you where we were actively located. That was truly the dumbest response I could have gotten. And I was like, I'm just gonna tell her 'cause she's clearly not getting it. Oh, I thought you were like making you, I was telling you solve like a legit riddle. Yeah, but where we were, oh, I thought it was just a riddle. Like not, not correlating with where you were located. No. And so you were like the group message. Oh. And I was like, no, it's a location and my street name is in the riddle. I got excited. I thought I solved it. I thought you gave me the answer because I solved it. No, I gave it to you. 'cause you were so far off and it was such an insane answer that I wanted to put you out of your misery. Well, yeah. Well then I, like I, it took me 30 seconds to look at it and be like, I don't understand what she even means by this. Well ask Chad GPT because that's who I asked. Okay, so this was the. A place you frequent like clockwork. You show where voices are captured in stories flow. The ice disappears. The two picks. The two picks. The toothpicks dwindle. Oh, I should have known that. Boundaries. None. You barge in the middle. Oh, blank holds the key, but not the whole tail blank being the name of my street, which I'm not gonna share. Find me where our nonsense tends to prevail. You have no boundaries. You steal all of my ice, you steal all of my toothpicks. And it's where we do a podcast, right? And it has the name of my street. And you were complaining about not having our location. It seemed very A plus B equals C to me. So my whole point, point is, and you responded, our Shannon Girls group message and I just went, we're at my apartment. I was just like, just end it. I was thinking I wasn't going to get access to your location until I solved an like a unrelated riddle. No, you were wrong. Cool you were running. So it took me that long to figure that out. But by the time Karen had already left, and I was not near your apartment anyways, so then I had mans had texted and said, you know, if you wanna like break up your drive home, like feel free to stop in. And I said, sir, if I sit my Rs down, I'm not getting my ass back up. Mm-hmm. So, and then he was like, oh, okay. I was thinking about like hitting up the beer hall. I said, oh, I'll pick you up. Oh, I love that beer hall, by the way. Yeah. Hadn't been. And that's like his favorite place. Great spot. I've been there multiple times. Big fan. Yeah. I liked it. Lots of puppies good. Yes. Lots of doggos. Yeah. I had a cute sgi sgi. Mm-hmm. But then the, a friend called him. 'cause you know how men just like are always on business calls. Yes. A friend called and he is like, what's going on? And he is like, oh, just finished golf and where are you? Oh, okay. I'll stop by. I am like, oh fuck are we, I'm just thinking we're having a little night cap at 5:00 PM And then we proceeded. And then I had to be like, not that I wouldn't, like, I love his friends, but I wouldn't wanna You just like when you're new. Yeah. And his girlfriend. And his girlfriend too. Yeah. And then I was like, you know on, yes. Gotta turn that bitch back on. And mother, mother was tired. You saw the state I was in at noon. Imagine how I was after my whole social battery at no. And I'm not like you. That's true. You know that would've excited me that your battery lowers by the second. Yes. I taught Danny about social batteries. 'cause he was saying like, I think I just need a minute. And I was like, yeah. And Aaron's so good about that of like, you don't have to push yourself, you can just take a minute. And so I said to him, so your battery is low. And he was like, what do you mean? And I was like, well you know how when you're using your Kindle, your battery can get low and it tells you the percent on the side. You can think about that like in your energy in yourself. So when your energy is low, you just need a minute to recharge. And he came up to me at a kid's party. He went, auntie, my battery's at 25%. And I was like, I feel recharge. We need a snack, we need a juice box and we need a rest. And he goes, I think so. Then he went, don't worry, it's back up to 80. I'm like, go. Great. Pop off Danny. You charge her a little ass. It's just like, yeah, the battery. For whatever reason that resonated with him, God bless him. So your battery was low? Yeah, my battery was low. Yeah. And that was it. I got, I finally got my ass home at like 11 and I crawled into bed and I slept through my class in the morning and that was really rude and I've been ever tired ever since. The truth is we just can't bounce back like we used to. We truly can't. And it, I hate to tell you this, it only gets worse. So this new fun thing is happening where if I drink wine and say I stop drinking at 10 o'clock, and then I go to bed at midnight, I wake up at 3:00 AM and I'm up from three to 7:00 AM every time. Mm-hmm. Even if I'm not drunk, I'm not talking like blackout or anything. Two glasses of wine. I wake up in the middle of the night. So that's a fun thing you have to look forward to. Oh yeah. You gonna want a horse tranquilizer or something? Yeah, something or other. Yeah. I was actually looking up the other day, is there something I can take? But I don't wanna take anything after drinking, so I wanna be cognizant of that. But is there anything I can take so if anyone listening has a cure to just sleep through the night without, please let me know. Okay. That's all I got. What do you got from me? Went to a lovely Italian restaurant with my friends on Friday, my college friends. It was so nice to see them and just catch up and yap. I went to a cookout with my friends. I have a group of friends that is not college, not high school, and I met them after college. But in that group is one of my college friends and one of my best friends from high school. Can you tell me what I would call that group? The after college friends? It's like Nick and Steve and Kara and Nevara and everybody. Mm. we used to go to my apartment. We used to name it the Beaver's Den. So it's the Beavers. Oh, I love that. Like if I say that out loud, it sounds ridiculous. Like, don't ask me, my brain is like batty squad. Like, no, but I just mean like that timeline. No, yeah. There's no name for it. There's no, there's no title. The Beaver's Den. So the beavers got together and it was great and it was so good to see everyone. And there are just so many children. And the Quarter Life Cuties. The quarter Life Cuties. Oh my God. I can't wait to tell them. They'll love it. Okay, cool. Then of course I hung out with Karen. Colleen showed up hurting, you know. An hour late. And that was lovely. And then Karen and I came back here and we walked to the liquor store and she's like, I just want a Jamison and Ginger. Okay, Bob. Okay. Her dad, Bob. All right. Bob Shannon. She gets this. Wait till you see the bottle in the fridge. This like, little baby Bob. Oh, I was gonna, I was expecting a big kahuna. No, a baby one with like a full gallon of ginger ale. Like Schwepps Schwepp. No, not Schwepps. It's what's the other like super popular? Ginger ale. You don't know the brand. I don't drink ginger ale. I don't knows You don't drink ginger ale. That shocks me. It like settles the stomach. It's really good for you. No, I think I was, it was one of those things that like when you're younger and it's like, oh, drink water, it'll fix you drink ginger ale, it'll fix you. And I just used to piss me off so I didn't do it. Ginger ale's amazing. Big fan of Ginger Ale Canada Dry. Hello Bridget. I prefer Canada dry over Schwepps anyway, but when you're on an airplane they say drink ginger ale. 'cause it settles your stomach if you get nauseous or anything like that. Highly recommend. Cool. Anyway we watched Sinners. You guys stop what you're doing and go watch Sinners. It is Michael B. Jordan. So nice. They had to play him twice. He is twin. He plays twins. Lindsay Lohan parent trap style. Really? Okay. Yes. Good for him. The reason why I think you will love it now, I told Karen I thought she would love it and she was like, it was good. I think she just liked it a little bit. 'cause of Michael B. Jordan. He is so fucking hot, Colleen. And he is part of like the mob, the gangster stuff in Chicago. Mm-hmm. And he's there. There, 'cause they're twins coming home to Mississippi. So we're talking full three piece suits, Scally caps, the whole shebang to Mississippi in the 1920s. Oh. So like guns love that guard. Morally gray. Love that guard. Hot. Okay. King. And there are vampires. It's like a thriller. Oh, it gets so fucking outta control. The music is amazing. Sammy is my favorite, of course. King Sammy. There's sex, there's vampires, there's horror, there's thrill. I know. I know. So I was like, this is so not normally. I can read that stuff, but I can't. That's not normally my genre of movie. Yeah. Unless it's the years of from 2008 to 2012 RIP, but I just cannot recommend it enough. You all have to go watch sinners. Okay. Okay. Then Karen goes home and it is my Superbowl, AKA. The Tony's hosted by Cynthia Arrivo, Cynthia mother fucking Arrivo. The voice of our generation outside of Kelly Clarkson. She's so insane. And for these opening numbers, they'd usually do this like massive extravaganza nail. Patrick Harris' his opening number of the Tony's, like I watch when I'm having a bad day. Insanity. The budget they probably had for it was insane. She sang a song because that's all she fucking needs. No, she no notes. She, they had some like back, there was some stuff going on. They didn't need anything else. She sang a fucking song and had Oprah. Bye bye. That's it. That's all. So good. The performances at the Tony's, like when each best musical gets to go up and perform, of course it's like unlike any other show, award show that you see because these people are so incredibly talented. Cole Escola won for Hello Mary. I'm so excited for them. I love them. I want them to win every Tony from here to Kingdom. Come. Darren. Chris won from maybe happy ending, which is the third year in a row. Someone from Glee has won a Tony because the first year Alex Newell won. Mm-hmm. They're amazing. Second year was Jonathan Groff, and now it's Darren Chris. And so they asked Lee and Michelle, or they asked Jonathan Groff in an interview who Rachel Barry would want to win. So there was like a lot of glee. I mean, we got three winners, three deaths. Listen, it's a multiverse. But I, I thoroughly enjoyed it. I love Audra McDonald. She's the most decorated, she's like the Meryl Streep of the Tony's, she's the most decorated Broadway performer of all time. I thought she was gonna win. And Nicole Scherzinger won. Oh. I was a little bummed, I'm not gonna lie, but like, Audra's. Okay. Like Audra's a's got her trophies. She's, you know what I mean? She's, she's still slaying. She's slaying the day away. I was a little bummed. You could tell it was kind of the big shock of the night, but I thoroughly enjoyed it. Cynthia's closing number was, and I am telling you. And then they added like, everything that happened in the night to the number. Oh, that's cool. So it was like, you wanted Tony instead of You're gonna love me. It's one of the hardest songs to sing of all time. And she just remixed it, could do it in her sleep and just did it like it was no big deal. I'm obsessed with her. And then next on my list, look at my thing. Judgment Day in all caps under underscored. Okay. Again, today we are the judge in the jury. It's judgment day. We usually say, who are we to judge? And today we shall. So buckle the fuck up. This is, we're gonna start with what the fans sent us. The fans have the zippos. I just wanna say like, thank so thankful, hashtag blessed to be here during this time and this time in which we're allowed to do. What I love the most in a peaceful, safe environment. Judge with a gavel. Yes. This is like my wet dream. Full garb. Yeah. No, that's all. Just thought I'd share that. And just really thankful that sippers, there have been some of you who have listened to us for all three years, and even if you didn't start on day one, you started later and then you listened to every single episode, like played catch up. So that means you are listening to us way, way, way more than you should. I would agree. I can't believe you're still here. I can't believe we love you so much. Can ever fucking listen to us? I know. It's crazy. What a fucking delight this is. We're so thankful for you. Yeah. Free, free of charge. Yeah. You guys got free. Only good things happen to you. Case closed. Okay. First and foremost, we got just, this was all that was said, the Karen Reed trial. Karen Reed Jail. Why being unlikable? So I have hot take. This is, this is my Judge Judy Deliverance. We'll never actually know what happened that night. Every single person in this case is dirtier than a pig and shit. I would agree. Karen Reid is innocent, but she is so unlikeable that people want her to be guilty and she should do jail time. Not for this crime, but just in general. Their sentencing is as follows, fire the entire police department and if Karen Reed writes her inevitable fucking memoir, all proceeds go to John's niece and nephew. Case close. You all suck. Goodbye. No notes. No notes. A girl started sleeping with her best friend's fiance, I asked for a voice memo for this because I said I simply need to know more. No, judge Judy would wanna know every fucking detail. So as Judge Judy, I asked, I'm sorry, sorry, sorry. Where? No, no, no. You're totally right. Judge Judy would not accept just that sentence, and our friend delivered, they will remain anonymous, and this person said to us, there is this girl named Emily and she is best friends with a girl named Jess. And Jess gets engaged to a guy who we will call Bob. Okay, Bob, fucking Bob. Everyone is excited. Happy days, right? Engagement. Bob asks, bestie Emily to help him set up the proposal. All sorts of stuff, right? Oh God. So Emily is very involved in all of the planning during the engagement. Emily and Bob both going through some difficult times and they end up bonding over their troubles, their life, I don't know, experience, whatever. They start sleeping together. While he is still engaged to her best friend, Jess. Okay. It eventually all comes out. The engagement gets broken off and Jess is crushed because she was not only betrayed by her best friend, she was also betrayed by the man she was trying to marry. Emily and Bob are now married and got married within a year sentencing. I just, I, she's literally clutching her pearls because we have pearls around our necks. I'm wondering, so she's quite literally clutching her pearls, who deserves to be stoned first? Yeah, so I think they should do at least one year each for every single time they had sex behind her back. Okay. No. So not, no. And then they also are stuck together for the rest of their lives and karma will come for them and they deserve to get their own karma. On the other hand, Jess gets married to the most wonderful man who is the best she's ever had a bed and treats her like a princess. So like everything happens for a reason. Question. But also is public execution off the table this day, firing squad done sentence, case closed. Done. Mouth chewers and talkers. This was sent to us as together, and so I'm gonna treat this as the same person. So let me just say, if you film a TikTok while you are eating a meal and you are acting as though there was no other part of your day where you could have just put in. Put in, put in, put the fucking food down, filmed your TikTok, and then gone back to eating or waited until you've finished. You should be fined $1,000 and all of that money should go to schools to pay for children to eat. That's a very fair sentencing. I like that. Thanks. I like that it's a little possessed, but my question is, are we talking like muck bangs here? No, I mean you are filming a TikTok where you are talking about a hot take or something that happened and you are actively eating while you tell a story. Okay. Muck bang is people who are going on the internet to find your videos where the sole thing you are doing is eating like the goal. That was my point. Yes. Okay. Okay. Done? Yep. Done. Case closed. Yep. Sidebar And tiktoks. This really pisses me off. If you say, stop scrolling. If you act completely shocked or scared to try something that's completely normal. Or if you put makeup on your face where you clearly have a brand deal and you're like this shade match, you're sentencing. You're going through a haunted house every single morning, then you can be shocked and surprised. No notes case is closed. When a person who stops their car to let pedestrians go, keep it moving. I will go. When there's an opening, I'm an adult. Leave me alone and keep driving. It's inherently more unsafe to walk in front of a car that can get rare ended thoughts. Agreed. I fuck them pedestrians. I think that No, no, no. This is from a pedestrian's point of view. Oh, okay. Got it. Got it. They're saying there's traffic and they're waiting for someone to pass and then a car stops and is like, no, no, no. Go while active traffic is happening around them. Like you're causing a scene, sir. So this is what I will say. 'cause I was in my car the other day and this happened to me. If there is no one behind me, I'm gonna keep driving because you're gonna be able to go in a second. Yeah. Like I am, I am aware enough to look into my rear view mirror and go, oh, I don't have to let them go. 'cause they can just go behind me. The pedestrians out here walking across the street because they see the white man light up on the sign, right. And then they walk across with their head in their phone and their AirPods in. You need to keep your head on a fucking swivel because guess what? I'm in a metal vehicle that weighs tons, literal tons, and you have your bones. Guess which one is gonna win? Gonna go on a limb here. I know you have the right of way there. There is also common fucking sense. Okay. Okay. If you do this, if you walk across a street without making any eye contact with any vehicles or looking up at all, you should have to stay in your house for two days with no phone or no headphones, and sit in your fucking thoughts and think about what you've done. You're so creative with your sentencing case closed. Case closed. But back to the thing. Yeah. I mean, I think people are trying to be kind and like, no, you go ahead. But if you feel like you're holding up more of traffic, just keep going. Let the traffic move on, and then I will go when it It's the right time. Yeah. There's just no need to be Mother Teresa right now. Like, we're good. Yeah, we're good. Yeah. We can wait 10 more seconds until there's a clear, okay. There's no difference between formula Fed babies and breastfed babies. I don't have enough intelligence to speak up on this. A hundred percent agree. You feed your fucking kid the whatever way that you need or want to. All I know is cavemen made it through without either, so. Yep. And if you, well, no they didn't. How did they, how do they know to do the tea? Cavan milk comes out of it. Oh, cool. Naturally, I don't know. I dunno how these things work. How do you think that babies were fed? I don't know. I have no idea. Well, if they don't have tea, genuinely it's breast milk, honey. Okay, cool. But who's the first person to be like, let me put teat in mouth. You know, that's all, that's all I'm wondering. That's just a genuine question, you know? Sure. If you shit on women for how they feed their children, regardless if it's breastfeeding or formula, I don't care. If you shit on them, your sentenced to 10 months of wearing a pregnancy belly with no alcohol, no cold cuts. That sounds terrible. And no sushi period. Case closed. Umbridge is more of a villain than Baltimore. A hundred percent. A hundred percent agree. A thousand points to Ravenclaw case closed case is missed. Mistrial, we threw it out. Oh my god. Justin Baldon and Blake Lively. The judge threw the case out. Oh good. I'm glad. Hooray. Honestly don't even care. Like good. I can't, it's, it's honestly gone on too long. It's now, it's annoying. It's too much, but like damn, everyone's doing the most, it's just not necessary. Vitamins aren't real. I don't take 'em. So I don't know. My best friend who is a nurse recommends taking them do, like, feel better. So I trust her. But she's very specific about the vitamins. Okay. She's not like, take all of them, but she's like, if you have this, you should take this. And if you have that, you should take that. And it's all about taking care of yourself now so that when you're older, you're, you're more mobile and more healthy. Yeah, I think they're real. I just, I think maybe some are just like overhyped. Oh. If you're a talker or an influencer or anyone famous and you sell vitamins that aren't real, hell immediate. If you're the mean girl from high school is now stuck in an MLM and you're reaching out and being like, Hey girl, if I see Arbonne anywhere, oh my god, that is prison. Prison for the rest of your life. No chance of parole. Your sentence is aging more rapidly for every sale that you make. Ooh, that's good. Case closed. The president doesn't live in the White House. Hmm. So I think this person is on to something. There's a flag that's flown when they're there. Yeah. It's how I feel about, and I know I've talked about this in the past, paintings in a museum, you cannot convince me that the real Mona Lisa is just like out here hanging out. Really? The real fucking Declaration of Independence. No, I think they're all copies. I think the real ones exist. I'm sure that the museum has their But to the public out here every day, walking around being looked at, have you never seen National Treasure? Yeah. The real one is being taken care of underneath during the fucking gala. Don't come for me, bitch. Do you know what I mean? I think that they show a very realistic one, but I think the real ones. Are still in museum hands, but not the ones that are shown to the public. And I feel that way about the president. I think the White House is the symbol, but they're not there all the time. No, it's also very old. It's not like, I mean it gets renovated, but it's not like this, it's not homemade up to date mansol. Yeah, no, I mean it is a mansion, but you know what I mean? Yeah. But it's not like for living. If, if I look at that, I just think like conference rooms no, it's a little homeier than that, but it's very like there's a blue room and a green room and then there's like portraits hanging any everywhere of like presidents and first ladies and all that good stuff. If you're super, super wealthy and you go into the White House, you're kind of like, meh. I mean, I think it's cool, but not everyone wants to live in a museum. Can just, like anyone go in the White House, you can do a tour, but it actually takes a lot of planning. You have to, it's secret service, so you have to like submit a bunch of stuff for security measures and you, you know, get checked before you go and you have to make an appointment and. It's a whole thing. Did you, did you do it? Is that what you're saying? I have not done it, but I worked for a company that sold trips to Washington DC and that was a frequent request of can we tour the White House? And I was like, do you have an inn it? How does this work? Like there's a whole process. It's not like I call one day and I'm like, can I please? It's not that easy. Interesting. As can imagine on the front door. Yeah. Hi. We out here as the little me. We'd like to see the inside now. I bet Judge Judy could get in. I bet you Judge Judy could get in. If you have the ability to change the outcome of something, you are not allowed to complain about it completely. Right? I agree. If it's the same topic over and over again, if it's a situation with a friend and they keep treating you poorly over and over and over again and you're not sticking up for yourself, it's like just say something. I. Yes, just stick up for yourself. It's really quite simple. I don't really feel bad for you. Then if you're just kind of so suffering. Boy, I hate to say it. A relationship, it's not just boys, either. Any, any person who complains about the relationship they're in, if there's just like constant, constant bad behavior outside of like full blown abuse, right? Like that's a different topic. But yeah, if your, if your boyfriend's real shitty, I. He keeps cheating on you. It's like, I think it's time to go. If you're complaining about it this much, it seems like we should just keep it moving. Yeah. It sounds like you're, I know it's easier said than done, but like, please be fucking for real. Like, do you hear yourself Just wondering. But I also get, like, we talked about it last week, like I will be a dead horse of a topic, but it's not like me complaining about something that somebody did to me over and over again. It's just kind of like this shitty thing that maybe someone did to somebody else. Like, let's just keep talking about it. I love it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I'm not like, it's not currently upsetting me. It's just like, for fun and z. Yeah. So This story has absolutely nothing to do with what was written in about changing your circumstances or complaining, but this is a story that we beat to death. and I was sent it a few times and there's a kid I went to high school with who cheated on his wife and he cheated on her in their own home with their young children and Oh, that makes me sick. It was like with a 22-year-old. He would sneak her into the house and fuck her. Ew. And he's such a piece of shit. And he's gone to court multiple times for animal cruelty and revenge porn and no, he has a laundry list of shitty behavior. And this was like the third or fourth thing he did. And it was on jam in 94 or five, which if you're not from here, is a very, very popular radio station that people listen to in the morning. And they brought it up on German 94 5. And it's like you're, you deserve all of the karma that you have put out into the world. You are a piece of shit and you have no respect for women, public oration or animals. Turns out, I can't believe you have children. Like that's crazy. You know, life in prison without parole. Why does Nickelback get so much hate? I don't, I don't know. I wrote, honestly, I don't know. No, a hundred points are a nickelback. Never. See I went, look at these phone photograph. Yeah, that's fair. Every time my, because he ha he, they have so many bops. Yeah. Case closed. Respect to Nickleback. I hate when the sun comes out after a snowstorm. It's what? Someone road to us. That's fair. It's like rude. Why am I blind now? I can't drive. No, we're all blind. What am I supposed to do with this now? Mounds of snow and the sun is out and now it's gonna melt and be so gross. Yeah. And I have to wear snow boots everywhere. Yeah. Now, like, now I wanna go outside, but like, I can't 'cause there's snow, you know? Yeah. Case dismissed. New England. Always get into bed once you've washed your feet. Say it louder for the people in the back. I am a nighttime shower. I am not a morning girly. I do sometimes in the morning just to do a rinse. Because people say you like sweat a lot in the middle of the night. Some people do. Yeah. I love rinsing off the day though. There is something and not even in it's shower. It's therapeutic. There is something about setting some candles out and doing just like a full hot decompress. Get those nice soaps out. Exfoliate nice soaps. Who is she? Or just like soap in general. I'm gonna give you that. Irish Spring St. Ives will rub off Irish Spring in the crack. Yeah. St. Ives. Oh god. My wiggle almost fell off. I laughed so hard. No. If you get into your bed with unwashed feet, you must go three months without a pedicure. That is your sentencing. That's not enough. 'cause the women who do your toes deserve better than your dirty ass Billbo. Baggins feet. Three months just isn't enough for me. Oh, I go monthly. What would be enough? What would be enough? Six. I mean, if you could gel like seriously, like a year, one year. No pedicure case closed. Okay. Men who order a savvy bee at the bar. I can't say I've ever seen a man do that. I've never, if I thought this was so funny because all I can think of are the gays. I'm just like, get your white, white spritzer babe. Whoever wrote this has a core memory of a man ordering that a hundred percent. And that's fine. Somehow got the ick and was like, this is crazy. That's an i I I approve of, but I haven't necessarily experienced personally. Okay. Case is missed. Cool. Oh wait, what are we cutting? Saying nothing to get whatever the fuck you want. Who cares. Whatever case closed, can, he can't even get like public service or something. Community service. Yeah. Yeah. Clean up the trash or some shit. Yeah. Clean the trash in your community. People who try to cut into a long line at the end of an exit. I know you do this every day, multiple times a day. I know you do this. Can't see anything. Please don't send me to jail. I have your sentence to Guantanamo Bay. Pop off. Case closed off. I go. Ready? One, ship me off. 1, 2, 3. Okay. I googled some of the best judge duty episodes because I just wanted to see before we did our Reddit judging nerd, because, I'm just kidding. The, the Reddit judging is coming. Don't worry. We asked Reddit. Judging in Reddit always delivers more often than she should. So I found this person wrote season three, the episode where the woman is suing for damages. After a friend's kid found and popped her used breast implant. Oh no. Which she apparently kept for sentimental reasons after having it removed. Exclamation point, she just felt close to it. Judy awards her $1 in damages in the post case discussion with Sarah Judy breaks the fourth wall by looking straight into the camera and says, ridiculous. And then it cuts to the next case. It's so funny. A dollar. $1, not nothing, not dismiss a dollar. Love it. And then the plaintiff, this is another one, plaintiff had their dog stolen out of their yard. Oh, the thief sold the dog to the defendant, but the plaintiff tracked the dog down. So the thief sells this dog to make some money, and so it has a new owner, but the original owner is like, no, that's my fucking dog. So the defendant is there being like, no, this is my dog now. I bought it hands down and the other couple's like, no, this is our dog. We've had him forever. And so I think the defendant wanted more money, like I think they were, she was trying to get them to pay her for their dog back. So she kind of like made money on it, like, you're shit. But Okay. So in court, the defendant was going full denial route. She is so rude and obnoxious, although it was fairly obvious from the start that the dog belonged to the plaintiff. Finally, the defendant's daughter is told to come in with the dog and put the dog down and you can hear the defendant saying, don't, several times before she does. And this is what happens. Judge Judy continues. It's probably so confused. Madam. Listen to me carefully. Put the dog down. Put the dog down the you hair going. Don't, don't, don't put the dog has baby head Boy. Hey Ben. Boy, Madam. Hey man, Madam, listen to me. Careful. Put the dog down. Put the dog down though. I'm so sad everybody. Is he crying? He does that to everybody. That's what she just said. Hi dear. And Judge Judy goes, that's his dog, baby boy. Oh. Like, come take the dog home. That's it. Take the dog home. Like, that's clear. So I'll, we'll post the video. The minute that dog is put down, the dog runs full speed at the real owner and just starts jumping on his legs and he picks, he picks the dog up and it's flicking him and it's so fucking cute. Judge. Judy's like, that's his dog. What a, take it. Give it back. Give it back. Yo hoo. Okay. So that was a big one. And then we come to balding at 16. Where to begin with this episode. A wild ride is the clash between a mom and a hairstyle and ju or hairstylist, excuse me, in Judge Judy's courtroom, it all starts with a mother suing the stylist, claiming her daughters Sweet 16 hairdos went so wrong. They caused permanent scalp damage, but things heat up when the stylist fights back with her own lawsuit. Accusing the mom of spreading lies that hurt her reputation. Tensions reach a boiling point and Judge Judy steps in with her no-nonsense attitude, throwing one of them out of court. Colleen, would you like to comment on the episode I forced you to watch before coming into this room? She's stupid. She was extremely, she, she wasn't letting, she wasn't letting it go. She just couldn't get past it. She couldn't. The sos i, I think what's so hard about Judge Judy like going on Judge Judy, I. I don't have any sympathy for you. You know what you're getting. It's like Jerry Springer. You're like, wait, I went on and my husband was cheating. Did, did you expect her to hug you or something? What are you talking about? And so she went on and she just kept trying to have her moment in court. And this is very similar to what I said to you last week of this moment of closure where you get to get it all off your chest. Judge Judy was asking her yes or no answers, and she kept being like, can I say something? Can I say something? And Judge Judy was like, bitch, no. I asked you a question. It's a yes or it's a fucking no. It's so crazy. No, it's so irritating. She's like, but, but, but, and she kept trying to keep, she keeps trying to overexplain. She so clearly wants to tell her the whole story from beginning to end. And Judge Judy is like, I don't care about your feelings. I am here because we are in court and you have a claim against this woman. Did this or did it not happen? And she's like, so when did we started? So frustrating to watch and she eventually gets thrown out. It's really satisfying though. Like, I love, I wish I could a stunning dismissal. I just wish I had that I could do, get away with that day to day because I would, I absolutely would. She's too quick with it for her own good. And she does not miss anything. So if you bring up something earlier in the episode, she, she's like, but you just said 10 minutes ago, X, Y, and Z. She's like, she does not miss anything. Oh, I love her. She's brilliant. Anyway, she is stunning. She is the moment onto Reddit. I, a 24-year-old female used to work on a cruise boat. I had a significant other at home who loved me more than anything past tense. Clearly. I met this person, 27 male, who also worked on the boat. Let's call him RR had a wife in four kids back home. We both made a huge mistake and started fooling around with each other, and before I knew it, I caught feelings for R. It's been a couple of years and I still think about him. I know it's wrong and I know it's disgusting. I know I'll never see r ever again. However, I can't find another man attractive anymore. I broke up with my significant other when I came back because of what I had done. What I know I deserve to be alone for this, but God, when I, when can I forget about R? I've tried for so long, but he is always lingering around in the back of my mind. Was it worth it? No. I wish I never made eye contact with him, let alone talk to him. I was delusional and stupid. I just hope he feels as guilty as I do. I doubt it. Edit. I have read all your, I have read all of your comments and I've taken a lot in consideration. I appreciate every single person who took the time to give me advice. A couple things for those who got confused, I fucked up. I know I did. Yes, it's petty and I hope R felt bad, even if it was just for a little bit. I know. He probably doesn't even think about me. No. No, he doesn't, and that does not bother me. Well, I wish I didn't think about R though. He's taken up so much of my time and energy. What made him so attractive? I don't know how to explain it very well. We had so much in common and had an instant connection. A connection. I have to take time to build with anyone else. That's the only way I can put it. Thank you for commenting. Did I do something wrong? What can I do? Please help. I mean, you're an idiot and you have to live with your own thoughts and feelings. That's your sentence. You get to live with you. You need mental help. I will say I have met people in very quickly, had a connection that I didn't have after dating someone eight months and been like, whoa, that's what that feels like. Yeah. Like, oh damn, my sister in Christ. Move the fuck on. He's certainly not thinking about you. You, no. You're paying no mind to him at all. You No, not once probably are. Nope. If he wanted to, he would reach out. He knows where to find you, man. Took advantage of you. And just take that and Yes, keep it moving. Let it make you angry and keep it fucking moving. And you'll find the one that actually makes you feel a spark in your psis. Unlike our like, and I don't know, unlike these people, actually, instead of him, I don't know. I don't know. Yeah. If he's not making you quake, he's gotta go. And if he does make you quake and he goes, then you also have to go like, it seems pretty straightforward. Or, you know, it's not you, it's them. I don't know. Yeah. It's just like, it's one sided, babe. It's one sided. Keep it moving. No jail time, but definitely maybe a, a, a short time in a padded room. Minimum five year sentence of therapy. Yeah. Case closed. Okay. Wedding dress. Oh, Jesus Christ. I already love a good wedding drama. Basically, I am five years older than my sister. We are really close. She came wedding dress shopping with me a few months ago, and when I found my perfect dress, I bought it, but she fell in love with it as well, and she said things like, if you don't buy this one, I'm gonna buy it for myself. I ended up buying it, not outta spite, but because I fell in love with it as well when I tried it on. For context, I have been engaged for about two years, and she's been engaged for six years, hasn't planned her wedding at all, and she stated she isn't interested in getting married as she thinks it's a waste of money, but will have a micro wedding at some stage. Okay. However, she has been making jokes about wearing my dress for her own wedding when she decides to get married. I've always just brushed them off because I was, I thought she was just joking, but we were on a FaceTime call with my nana mom, myself and my sister. We were talking about how I'm getting the dress altered, and my sister was like, no, don't make it shorter. I wanna be able to wear it. My nana then chimed in and was like, oh, that would be beautiful if you let your big sister wear your dress. And I was like no. You can find your own dress. And she was like, but your dress is my dream dress. After my nana hung up, she started asking, are you seriously not gonna let me wear your dress? And I was like, no, it's my dress. I want to be able to experience you to be able to experience wedding dress shopping and trying all the different ones. Because the dresses I thought I liked in photos are on the rack. I didn't when I tried them on, and it's a whole experience. And she was like, are you serious? And I was like, yes, it's my dress. Then she goes, okay, well that's your decision then, and you've said no, so we won't talk about it anymore. I will just look at the pictures and remember, it's your dress and no one else's. Am I the asshole? Am I being too harsh and dramatic about it? I'm really upset and everyone thinks I'm being too anal about it because it's just a dress, but it's my wedding dress and now I feel guilty. I also haven't had my wedding yet either. Thoughts? I think the sisters should go to jail. This is so wild to me. I think the part that pisses me off the most is don't alter it. I wanna wear it. You've had six years to plan a wedding. You've had all this time to do what you need to do and you haven't done it, and now your sister is having a moment and you're trying to take from it. And it sounds like, you know, weddings are crazy expensive. I am not knocking that for people who are like trying to elope or have something small. I totally get it. It's not up to you to dictate what your sister wears before you because she's getting married before you and wants something different. The fact that the last sentence of being that she hasn't even had the wedding yet is also just like, are you okay? She doesn't even fucking want it. Shut up. That's what I mean. If after her wedding day she was like seeing you in it, I would love to try it on because it's my dream. She's stealing her moment. Like in the thick of it. Yeah. Like we're on the phone with mom and fucking nana having a chat, and she's like, no, no, no. That's my dream dress. Mm, no. Let your sister have the full experience. You're clearly in no rush. It's not even something you want. Let her have the full experience and then after the fact, she's the one who fucking bought it. She's the one who would lend it to you. And if she's still uncomfortable with it, go find your own motherfuck dress. No notes. Completely agree. What would be her sentencing? I think the sister should be forced to elope with no one and no dress. Thank you. Case closed. One, two. This also reminds me of 27 dresses. Yes. And the part where she comes out in her mother's fucking dress and she's like, no, it's this little piece right there. And then they bring it out and it's in literal pieces. I remember in the movie theater, 'cause that was back in the day when you would go to the movies to see a movie and not stream it. My job was on. I was like, I would murder her. No. Yeah. Like this is, this is, you could be murdered for that. That was a timeless piece. That is criminal behavior. And it's the one her sister wanted her whole life, the oldest sister who handled everything. I just kept picturing Erin and I was like, this is the meanest thing you could do to someone. Yeah. You getting married is not the most important thing that's ever happened to anyone. It doesn't allow you to be a monster, but also as a sibling, you can't do that. That's not right. Yeah. Even not even as a sibling, which, just like common sense. Think. Think about the amount of times she's probably said it, claimed it wanted it. Oh, in 27 dresses she just downright disrespectful. For sure. Yeah, for sure. So disrespectful. So cruel. Hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate. Loath entirely. Okay, you go. This one was. I just wasn't expecting this at all. Okay. It all started when I moved alone to a new apartment and discovered that there was a WhatsApp group between all the neighbors. Since I didn't know anyone and wanted to avoid pro, avoid problems, noises, packages, parking, et cetera, I decided to join. The problem was that they accidentally added me twice with different numbers. I used an old chip and a tablet, and it had turned on by mistake. Instead of leaving the group with one of the numbers, I decided to experiment. I named the other number, Dawn Ernesto, a fictional character who's 72 years old, retired, a chess lover, and somewhat grumpy Carl from up like Think Grubbier. Oh, but he's such a sweet PE John, a man called Ove, if anyone's ever read that book, love that book. No, I haven't. I, oh God. I saw you would it? They turned it into a movie and it's Tom Hanks. I've never seen it. The book is absolutely fucking incredible. I actually haven't watched the Tom Hanks version because I can't. Can't do it because I love Tom Hanks and I can't do it, but I would feel too much. You absolutely should read it. Read it, but you will sob. It's just like I have to be in the correct state for I know, I know. I was not in the state last night. Like I just wasn't. And I watched, I knew I was not in state because I watched literally a video of what's his name from Barstool, got married, not relevant, but they got married at like the witch mirror and they posted TikTok in instead of having like, I don't dunno if they had a first dance or not, but they played everybody's, like a lot of people that were at the weddings, like family members that they knew of, they played sections. Their Their first dance songs. Their wedding songs, yes. And they all had to come out. It was literally, I was weeping in my bed and then I was like, what is wrong with me right now? Like an old couple got up and they were like, we haven't heard this song in like, oh, that's so nice weeping. That's so fucking weeping. I actually saw a TikTok recently. It was a bride and groom beautiful. It almost looked like a backyard wedding. And their parents were there and they got married really young and they never got to have a big wedding. And so when their first dance came up, she said, my parents never got to have this. Can they have it instead of us? And they invite, I'll cry. And they invited their, her mom and dad out and they did the first dance and then they joined next to them to like, give, she's like, they've given me everything they deserve to finally have their first dance. That's so cute. Sobbing. So b I'm like, I can't, like why, why are you doing this to me? I love it. It's a good cry. I think when you, no, I don't cry. You don't like it? I am like, this is good. It means my heart is good. It means good things happen. I don't like it. She's shaking her. No, I don't like it at all. Okay. Then there was a dog. It was, oh my God, I can't even talk about it. I'll start weeping. A dog, like I love how we both keep moving the glasses to the bridge of our nose, like. Like, you don't even know what I'm about to, what I'm about to spill. No. It was literally a dog's last day on earth and everything they were doing before they were put Oh, I have seen it. Nope. I have seen it. Can't, I can't, can't handle that. Can't, don't put that shit in front of me. Oh, but what wonderful owners and what a good way to go. No. Oh, okay. I just knew he was on his way out and it was just too much for his little body off the rip stu. They took him to the beach. They took him to the beach. I know. I saw they laid him out. So very upsetting. We could watch his sunset. Get this man a rot Tisy chicken. Okay. Oh my God. I ate one in the car today. Did you? It felt so good. It felt so right. So tragic. I went to Mark PKI yesterday. Oh, you wanna know what happened to me that had me, like, I, I actually texted Aaron and Fiona and said no one talked to me or look at me when I get home. That's how angry I was. The road to, I knew it was, I, I set myself up for it. I knew the road to market basket. Which Market Basket is a feat. It's, it's its own thing and I felt I was strong enough to tackle Market Basket yesterday. Market Basket for Non Bostonians is the cheapest grocery store in the area, so it's always jam packed because it has the best prices. Anytime you go in there, the lines are insanely long, so you really have to prep yourself going in, but it is always worth it and you are always getting the best bargain. Please continue. I knew that the street that I usually take from work to Market Basket was closed, so I'm like, okay, it's fine. I'll go around, go to take the long way around kind of trafficking because everyone's doing the same thing as me. That's fine. I get to where I think I can access. The street also closed. Still closed. I am stuck there. Four. It is. So I have to do a loop again. It's, I left work at five. At 5 45. I was still outside by work, the anger, but then I was like, no, I can't just go home. Like I, no, wait, we buckled in. We have to dig our heels out and dialed in. Yeah, I got probably the last Roti, Chicky or there was like two left. And then when I was going around the store. I was like, it's kind of a creepy looking rosey chicky. I was like, something's not, it's not giving. So on my way out I looped back around like maybe switch 'em out. God all fucking gone. So I left her there. I left her. There status could be, it just didn't seem right and I was going with my gut. So I was gonna say, you'll never regret ha not having bad chicken. I will say, I know, but it just didn't feel right. You, to fill that hole, that rotis tricky hole. Oh yeah. That RC purse. You need to acquire her. You deserve this. Rrc was not rc do you hear about the all the market basket craziness? No. So Mr. Ula, because Market Basket used to be Ulis. Yeah, no. Yeah. Yeah. He was told by his board not to pay out bonuses and like, not to give his staff what they wanted. Damn. He is like an og batty and always has been for the people. By the people here. For the people. And he gave it to them anyway. They put him on fucking leave and people are doing market basket walkouts. We stand for Mr. Fucking Dula, we ride for Mr. Dula because if the board gets ahold of it, all of the prices will go up. No one will be able to afford shit. Market basket is, it is what it is because of him and everyone standing against him. Life without parole case closed. Baloney. That's what Judge Judy would say. Baloney. That was her, that was a ma That was a judge. Judy mannerism as well. I know. I'm, I've been, I told you I watched No, your, your wig is wigging right now. Oh, and it's, it's coming off. It's come. She's coming off. God. Now I know how the drag queens feel. Fuck. I love this. I feel so cty. It's great. Oh my god. This and press on nails. Imagine me. No. Yeah. You'd be giving. Imagine me at the club. I feel like you'd be giving nineties mom core at the club. I do feel a little like a sy. I do feel a little Carey here. I think I, you know, I feel very Reba. I think you need some fluffing. Like, look at that. Okay. Well, fluff fluff Me. Jesus. Is that too much for a girl to ask? I just think you needs something in past. I'm fix a whiff. Okay. A whiff. Alright. All right. All right. I said I was gonna, oh, no. Now I look like a Brillo pad. This is not what I signed up for. Just do some tucking. Well, you wouldn't let, you wouldn't let me do Colleen. You ruined it. No, I, no, I fucking didn't. You ruined my wig. No. I stopped jail life without parole. So many cookies. So many cookies into the V, and we have our little Rita Ssta glasses on. Oh, that was Boston. Rita Skeeter. Rita Skeeter. Rta Quida. All right. Anyway, off of Market Basket. We need a seventh inning stretch. Mother needs needs to a two, a 3, 4, 5. Everybody in the classroom to the leg store. Round the corner. What? Get railing up. We should probably learn the words. It hits different in the, in the pond room. It's different. The, no, it hits different in the robes. Yeah, for sure. I was just feeling air flowing. You know, the air was flowing, the vibes were high. Anyway, we're back from our seventh inning stretch. And we're locked and loaded. Okay. Oh, yes. So we're creating Dawn here. He's a fictional, a fictional character. He's 72 years old. He's retired, a chess lover. He's grumpy, right? Li little by little Dawn began to become very popular in this group. Okay? He gave advice, he shared recipes. He complained about small things, but with grace, he didn't even, he even once organized a chest afternoon in the park, which he obviously didn't attend. But everyone understood because of his fragile health. The problem was Dawn problem was I started to get too attached to the character. Oh, I would surprise myself by responding like him at 2:00 AM using sayings that I never use in real life baloney. On one occasion, someone in the group called him the soul of the building. Oh no. After six months I decided to kill Don Ernesto. No, no. I posted a message from his number saying that he had passed away peacefully. Jail time. Jail time. Immediate thank, thanking everyone for their company. There were sad emojis. Someone even proposed naming the reading corner of the building after him. Oh no. Now I live knowing that I faked the life and death of a person who never existed and who, who was perhaps more loved than me. Am I wrong? Oh, no. No one found out Uhuh. So he is having some guilt. Obviously he's turning to Reddit, so he's having some guilt about this in What were the Reddit responses? I'm so curious. Did you look at it? I think they were like, are you okay? Like, do you need a friend? Because like clearly it's, it's catfishing. It's definitely not. Okay. Yes, it was catfishing, especially because. Well, they, they obviously were not close enough to him to meet him in person. Right. But there is, they mourned him something to be said. Right. There is like a whole grief aspect of this. He didn't just move. Yeah. People grieved. This person also. Like that's really not okay. Not for nothing. You're really that nervous that someone isn't going to like you or you feel like you're not as loved as this person. Like this person is technically in a fucking extension of you. He's not fucking real. You know what I mean? Like that's you too. Yeah. You know what I mean? Just because you're creating it. Yeah. It's your humor. It's your box. I mean, you're leaning into whatever personality that you've given him, Don. Yeah, but not okay. It's not okay to catfish people. It's not okay to lead people on and show them one thing and be another, and then have them grieve you. That's so fucked up. Not down. I'm assuming you've never seen Dear Evan Hansen. No. Of course not. Oh my God. Anyway, not the point, but reminds me of that in some ways. And that's, that's that. What do we want to give him therapy the rest of your life. Case closed. Okay. I have one more story. I know you have a few more. So, I, a 30-year-old female have been engaged to my fiance Mark, who is 32 years old for about a year. We've been together for three years total. Okay. I've always known Mark to be a bit unconventional. He's very creative and he sometimes takes things a little too far in the name of a surprise or excitement. Most of the time I love his adventurous spirit, but this time not so much. A couple weeks ago, we had a small get together with some close friends to celebrate our upcoming wedding. Mark had mentioned that he had a surprise for me, which I figured would be something sweet, like a heartfelt gift or maybe a romantic gesture. Well, as that, I went on after a few drinks, mark finally revealed his gift, oh God, and I said that with doing quotes in the air around gift, he pulled out. While it looked like a box from a special jewelry store, my heart raced with excitement as I assumed it was a lovely bracelet or a special memento for our wedding day. But when he opened the box, I was absolutely stunned. Inside was a key to a house he supposedly bought for us. I was taken aback because I had no idea he was even looking for real estate. My first reaction was one of shock and confusion, as I thought it was a huge decision that we should have discussed together. I. As I processed the moment, I realized the house wasn't just any house. It was a complete fixer upper on the outskirts of town. Now I get that it can be a great investment, but this particular house needed a ton of work. I'm talking major renovations and repairs, and I honestly had no desire to live there. Mark had not consulted me at all before making this purchase, and I felt blindsided. Normally, I would be overjoyed about investing in our future together, but the fact that he made such a significant commitment without. Me, crushed me. I quietly took the key and told him we needed to talk about this. As we stepped outside, I expressed how hurt I felt, and he had made such a big decision without discussing it with me first, and that it felt like a violation of trust. Mark got defensive, insisted that this was a wonderful surprise, a way for us to start our lives together. He said I was missing the bigger picture and that I should be excited about our future. Honestly, I just felt overwhelmed and confused, and I told him I didn't think we were ready for this and we should just focus on our wedding first. And after a heated argument, I made a gut wrenching decision to call off the wedding. I mean, yeah, like if he, sorry, I know it's not over yet, but like, if he didn't make decisions like that, like who knows what the fuck else he's gonna do without you? Mark was devastated and our friends were shocked. I had just ruined what was supposed to be a happy night, and I felt horrible. Since then, mark has been trying to re reach out saying he wishes he, we could talk it over, but I can't shake the feeling that he disrespected my feelings and my input and our relationship. I've been reflecting on whether I overreacted, am I the asshole for calling off the wedding after his surprise gift? No, I felt this way. So there is an episode of The Office that is very controversial and Jim buys a house for him and Pam without telling Pam and surprises her with it. I totally disagree that this is a gift. This is not a gift. No, this is not a gift. You didn't consult me and I personally, right. Just me and my own POV as you would say. Mm-hmm. I am not a fixer upper. My dad used to do that. Guess what? He's dead. Right? So I have to hire out someone. I'm not good at those things. Listen, I'm good at many of things. I could give you a laundry list of things I'm good at math and renovations not on that list, right? Correct. Being, being quiet. Not on the list. If someone bought me a fixer upper, I would be so upset because you are not just giving me a home. You are giving me the most expensive homework assignment I've ever gotten in my life. That does not make me feel better. That stresses me out. It makes me feel like you would do other big decisions without consulting me first. That's what I'm saying. And the whole point of being married is like having a partnership and you guys doing this thing together. I completely disagree that this is a gift. I hate this gift and I think it's really fucking inconsiderate. I agree. And also not for nothing. Like that's gonna be, I mean if you think of it this way, I guess I don't really know if this is a logical statement, but if that's gonna be like your person and your life, then that's also your finances. Like hello. Yeah. Huge. Correct. He is making a decision not only about where they live, but how much money they're about to spend. Yeah. And did it behind her back. Correct that if it wasn't that it was gonna be something else that made her break up with 'em. So back in the day, when you go buy a house for 80 grand, pop off, buy three of 'em. Don't care. Nowadays, it's literally a 30 year mortgage you will be paying $3,500 on for the rest of your life. Yep. Ab of fucking ly. Not, absolutely not negative. My mom has always said, don't give a gift to someone if it spends them money. Like if it costs them. So like if you give them a trip somewhere, okay, but then they have to get there. They have to pay for a hotel. That's not a gift. If you give someone a pet, that's not a gift. Now if you've talked about it, that's different, but do you know what I mean? You can't surprise someone with something that is then a burden in a financial responsibility from there on out, especially a fucking house. So here is my sentencing off the dome. I didn't write anything down for this. Okay? I love your off the domes though. He has to live in that house and renovate it and pay for it all on his own for two years and then they can talk about getting back together. Okay. You shouldn't even be allowed to spend a goddamn dime. 'cause it's gonna be her dime too, technically. But that's what I mean. He should completely fund it. Cool. You made the decision, you fund it, you renovate it, and then we can discuss our relationship getting back together in addition to her getting a gift of her choice every day. Correct. Thank you. Thank you. Case closed jewelry that she's picked out because men are terrible with picking out jewelry. I, I can't, I just feel like every man goes for like a hard shaped necklace. Like please. Oh my God. The diamond, hard shaped, ne necklaces. All of you must be stopped. No, it's not cute. We don't want it. First of all, please figure out if she's silver or gold or platinum. Please figure out what her color scheme is. Okay. Then just say like, oh, what's on your for you page? Just take a gander for through her for you page. Look at the jewelry she already has. If you took one look at my closet, you'd go, oh, she loves gold. Everything she has is gold or sparkly. Noted. Do not pick jewelry out on your own. Ask her best friend. Ask her sister. Ask her mother. Ask whoever woman she's supposed to ask. Anybody else. Quite literally, literally stop with the park. You could ask a woman, ask a fellow woman's in the store, a stranger, and she would tell you not to do it. Oh my God. Stop. Stop it. You all must be selling also. Stop selling it. Stop selling it. What are we doing? Who's selling? All of you who sell it, and all of you who buy it. Arrested onsite detention center of my choosing. Get your K Jeweler's ass outta here. Alcatraz. Oh yeah. Why did they open Alcatraz again? Bridget, for heart shaped necklaces. That's why I'm saying, I'm just saying, this one's a little ridiculous, but I have me giggling. We love the ridiculous ones. It says, I have a confession. Oh, gasp. I've held this to myself for nearly seven years. Ooh. I 33-year-old male used to work at a large corporate job in New York City. Edna had an open layout office, fancy coffin machines, glass walls. You get the vibe. It was also stuffy as hell, and the majority of people were sterile in personality As corporate America is, being sterile in personality is such a good burn, and I will be stealing that as you should. The bathroom situation was a nightmare. There were only two stalls to service the entire floor of a hundred people working steadfast at their desks, drinking coffee, like water, and ordering almost exclusively takeout disaster. You'd be lucky to have to wait five to 10 minutes to get one. You'd look like a fucking shit monster waiting or worse pacing back and forth from your desk to bathroom, hoping to catch a free stall. Who is writing that? I dunno. A genius Will people think I have a small bladder or bladder issues? The paranoia would set in. Fair. I mean, I imagine if you have IBS literally fair, and they're like, Hey everybody, pizza for lunch. And you're like, great. I hope no one's using the toilet from 1245 to four to 5:00 PM 5 0 1. Nobody look for me. Nobody asks for me. I'm so glad I don't have IBS. I'm sorry for the people who do, I'm sorry. That's not fair of me to say, but I know that sucks. I feel like I would just be eating like chicken and white rice every day. I just really can't live without pizza. It's just real. If I was gluten intolerant, I don't know what I would do. I would be wearing a diaper. I'd be shitting myself every day. One day I had a world class burrito for lunch from a new food truck. No, no. This is giving, I don't feel bad for somebody who can control. Like, you know what you're doing. You're control the outcome. You know it's gonna happen. It's like the bad rotis chick. You must stay away. I knew, I just knew it. It came with three sauces, each transporting your taste buds to a new level of nirvana and each hotter than the last. I do love this person, though. I dunno who they are, but great writer, love the writing. Big mistake. Just 30 minutes after and my stomach was staging a full on revolt. I was in a meeting and managed to hold it down, but in my head I was playing the probabilities of getting a free stall. I knew luck wasn't on my side. Then are you going full bridesmaids? Is this person gonna shit in the street? We'll, we will get there. We'll get there. We'll get there. Don't worry. Sorry. Then a light bulb went off. Why not go to the executive floor and use the posh luxury bathrooms that are ample in supply? No one would have to know just quickly in and quickly out or so I thought. Once I escaped the meeting, I sprinted to the elevators to make my pilgrimage to the executive bathroom. Praying not to run into anyone. Pilgrim, pil, Jenny. The what's called trail, I was just called it the Ohio Trail. Colleen, I know I'm gonna kill you if you can't keep remembering what it's called. Wooden wheels. Wooden wheels. The wagons. Oh, right. For wooden wagons. No, no, no. You you were right. The were rock me, my mother, like a wagon wheel. Want my work on trail. So he's on the pilgrimage to the executive bathroom, praying not to run into anybody or get caught on the elevator with one of my bosses who regularly would attend board conferences with companies on that floor. To my amazement, I had succeeded and arrived to the luxury bathroom undetected. I was in the clear, just as I'm handling business, the door swings open and I hear one of my bosses waltz in. I know exactly who it is. Why? Because this particular boss would also be whistling or humming. Always. No. Also, shut up. One respectful jail time Immediately. Man's is a big whistler. Okay. All the time, every day. Humming and not a Hummer. He's a, he's a whistler. His whole, like, the him and his brother are both always like, is he whistling a legitimate tune? No, it's, is it a song or is it It's the same repetitive tune, but it's not like a, a tune. Do you know what I'm, what mean? Like just walking. Just like he also, yeah. Can you whistle? Yeah. He usually like him and his brother, like, don't speak. Like the other day we were leaving his went down his backs. Oh, they whistle? Yeah. They, they, it's like a call, like they always know who, who's where. 'cause they got, they have a specific whistle rail baddies. Do the two fingers and do like the wolf. I wish I could do that, Michael. Oh, okay. We're gonna learn how to do that at some point. Okay. I would love to do that. If we were just in a public space and I just wolf whistled and I would be like, this, your head popped up. You were like, I would literally do like a mating callback. Like I, we would, we see each other. But he has one. So I've been practicing and he's like, I literally know that you go home and lay in bed and practice your whistle. I'm like, I literally do Is he good at it? Yeah, he is Wick good. Oh. It's like a strong whistle. Oh. I also, he always knows when I'm there and I know he's like, sees me at his apartment 'cause he whistles from the window. I know. It's so cute. That's kind of cute. And I don't even, I know, I don't even look at it. I just, I'm like, I kind of like it. I know. It doesn't bother me. Like, why is it endearing? I know. Not annoying. You know how I feel about like, sounds tapping. Like that shit pisses me off. 'cause Oh my God, you are so in love with him. I do love him. I love that little loser. But stop it. Please don't start with that shit, but I know, because you know how irritated I get by that shit. I'm stop. You gonna make me sweat. Okay, fine. I'll stop. I'll stop. You'll making my vagina sweat. I'm gonna fix my wig and I'm not gonna look at you. Fix your wig, tucking your Wang and let's get it, get it going. But yeah, the whistling is a, it's a thing, but it's very distinct. I always am like I know that's you. Anywho. So he's shittin he, he, Betten and Hummer. Mick Whistler just walked in. Mick Boin. Yeah. I hate whistling. I fucking hate it, but I especially hate it right now. This boss is also the type to make small talk and draw it out for a prolonged period of time. No. He would undoubtedly make conversation with me through the stall wall, and worse likely reprimand me for being on executive floor ruining the bathroom. He had to know I was in the bathroom, not me, specifically someone, because obviously it smelled foul. So I go silent, hold my breath, lift my feet, and wait him out. Not the lifting of the feet. The problem is, is he is taking fucking forever. He's brushing his teeth, he's gargling. He's having a whole fucking spa day in there. My legs went numb, my stomach's still angry, and I'm in full panic mode thinking my coworkers will be wondering where I am. Finally, he leaves. I finish up. I flush in the horrors of all horrors, I clogged the toilet like doesn't even pretend to flush. It's just there. A crime scene. What do you do? You run. You run, you wash your hands, you sanitize your whole body and you get the fuck out of there. I'm generally good under pressure, but I do the unthinkable. I try to flush again for a different outcome. No, no, no, no. You date a plumber. Rule number one, you, if there is a clog, you ca you have to stop. You need to cease and desist. I mean, I didn't know that I would try it again too. Cease and desist. Cease and desist. All I know restraining order. The only thing I know is when you open the lid and you just play with a little dongle. Girl. That's all I know. Oh, Jesus fucking Christ. I do the unthinkable. I try to flush again, hoping for a different outcome. I do get one. The water starts to rise and rise and rise and rise and fuck. It starts coming out over the bowl onto the floor. I'm gonna be sick. I make a split second decision, right? I make, I make for the door. No time to waste anymore. It This has become life or death. That's correct. I'm sweating heart racing. Imagining HR firing me over this and my coworkers laughing about the guy who shit threw the executive floor. I skip the elevators and turn into fucking Jason Bourne quickly, quickly scanning corners, visualizing the layout. Concealing myself along the way until I make it into the to the staircase. There's one problem with this exit. The doors behind lock. Once you enter the stair shaft, I would need, need either an accomplice to open the door at my floor code that's much lower than the executive floor, or I would need to go full extreme and go all the way to the lobby. Like go to the fucking lobby. What? The ladder is more than 40 plus floors. That's more time away from my desk. I can't involve anyone. It's too risky. I begin my descent, both figuratively and literally. Someone took time out of their day to write this out, so I hit the ground floor. I come up. Stop. I come up with a brilliant idea. I go to Starbucks. I get a coffee. A coffee of all things. My brother in Christ. You need Imodium. You don't need a coffee. You need a new fucking job. You don't need an Activia. You need a fucking blocker. You need to clog that thing up. Unintended. He needs a cork. He needs a cork. I go to Starbucks. I get a coffee and head back to my floor, back on my desk. I'm acting casual, but inside I'm spiraling. I make it through the day and head home believing I am in the clear. I sleep soundly. Having escaped, having escaped with my neck. I'll live to fight another day, escaped the thing. I arrived to work the next day. Stop. The bosses are a mixture of angry and amused. Evidently, the executive floor was flooded with shit water and required a hazmat team to come and clean up the mess. No fucking hazmat, not the hazmat team. What the serious fuck alternative reality am I in? What did I think would happen? Did I endang your lives? Who am I? My jaw is on the floor. I do know one thing. I've committed to the atrocity and the stakes are too high to come forward. Apparently the bosses had suspected someone on the lower floors, primarily the floor I work on and the two below. I mean, there's gotta be cameras, we'll get there. People had been using the executive bathroom. They knew because of the elevator key cards going to the executive floor at night. Oh my God, my God, oh my God. Keep going, keep going, keep going. My guest, I think I know what's gonna happen. My God, this really is the end for me. They're doing fucking elevator forensics. I will burn for this. We received a talk about what had occurred, and if anyone was involved, they made it out to be some sort of terrorist attack in us versus them between us lowly workers and the execs. Like it was a plot. Yeah. To like flood the floor. To like give them a fuck you. Yeah. And not just a horrible situation. No, no. Get a grip, no empathy. For a moment I felt like a warrior for my team, sticking it to the man, but I quickly came back to reality and remembered what this was all about. I had taken the most vile shit and destroyed a bathroom, costing the company heavily monetarily, heavy monetarily, requiring hazmat and likely destroying several important meetings with company CEOs. All for what? A fucking burrito. I hear whispers from my coworkers who did this. The toilets destroyed. Hazmat had to come. This is serious. I muster up the courage and I throw in a comment in the ring Who could do such a thing? You gotta lean in at that point. You're so far. You are so in deep. You got, you gotta be like, who? What kind of monster? What kind of fucking animal? The Meryl Streep performance I would put on if that was me. Then someone dubs it as the phantom shitter incident. People are livid. There's a group chat blowing up and someone even suggests installing a security camera outside the bathroom. So no, no security cameras. Oh damn. For weeks. It's all anyone talks about. I'm in every meeting nodding along, pretending to be as outrageous as everybody else who would do such a thing. I say clutching my coffee and sweating profusely. Meanwhile, I'm dying inside. I start using the Starbucks bathroom across the street to avoid any suspicion. I'm constantly paranoid. They will discover me using the elevator forensics. I even Googled if you could be identified from your shit, I'm losing my mind. Is that the fucking end of it? No. Luckily, they never found out it was me. The office manager sent a passive aggressive email about bathroom etiquette and life moved on, but every time someone mentions the fan, the phantom shitter, I can feel my soul leave my body. I quit six months later, partly because I couldn't handle the paranoia. Oh, I'm in a new job now with better plumbing and I'll never eat an unconfirmed food truck burrito again. Again, some sick part of me enjoys that this happened. I am the phantom shitter. I think this person is my soulmate. I don't even care that they're male, man, woman. I don't give a shit what they are. I think they're my soulmate. That was so beautifully written and so horrific and so relatable. Not that that's ever happened to me, but that is so fucking funny. Love his energy. That person should write a book. Do you know if it's a guy? It must be a guy. It's giving guy, it's giving guy energy. Yeah. Wow. That was Oh yeah. Because he kept saying his boss was a, he. I'm just assuming he was probably in the men's room. Right. Oh, you know what I mean? Oh, I didn't think about that. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Those are my thoughts. But wow, that was so incredibly well written. I am obsessed with that person and I hope nothing but good things happen to them. And I know No jail, no jail. No jail time. No jail time. I put it on here, they get a bonus. Big Christmas bonus. Well done. They get a plaque. They get the whole shebang, the whole plaque. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The beginning had me thinking that it was gonna go south, so I put it on here. So until, and it was already on there by the time I read it, the bottom. And I was like, oh, okay. But I kept it on there. So good. It's so good. I fantasize about smothering my snoring partner. They keep me up every night snoring. I'm not gonna do it, of course. I'm just venting. Am I a bad person? Yeah. So, um, fantasizing is crazy. Fantasizing about smothering your significant other is apparently a thing when you get married. It's like they just annoy you so much. You're like, I love you and I could also murder you right now. Got it. That's what I've been told. However, this is why I think some couples would be better off with separate bedrooms. There is no rule that you have to sleep next to each other every night. Who's this? You could wait till one of you goes to bed, roll over, and then go to your own room with your own bathroom and your own space and sleep completely soundly. And then when one of you wakes up, you can come back together. I think that works really well for people and I think that this couple is sentenced to separate bedrooms for the rest of their lives for sleeping only. Case closed, Me and Man's been using nose strips for sleeping binging bling. Okay. It's been going alright. Right. I can't look at a man without looking at his bulge. Every time I see a guy, hot, ugly, someone I know or I don't know, I can't help but wonder about his member. I will go outta my way to be able to check out his bulge ing. I don't know why ing, I do it, but it never fails every time. It's almost a natural occurrence. My eyes will meet your bulge if you're a guy in walking near me. I've never told anyone about this before. Surely I cannot be the only one. I do not do that. I do sometimes. Yeah. I think it comes up when it's pointed out to me of like, oh damn gray sweatpants. Have you seen it? Yeah. Or if it's just like, I'm like, oh, did I just, did I just see something there? And then it's just like staring at me. Obviously I'm gonna stare for a little while. Yeah. It's like in Bridesmaids where she holds her arms up like this and she's like, yeah, it's just staring at you and you're like, I'm putting my hands on my hips and closing one eye. 'cause that's what Kristen Wig does in Bridesmaids. I don't do that. But I all the time, occasionally if the, if the outfit, if it gives, if, if the outfit gives the, the eye some attention, I'm drawn to it. But I'm not like walking down the street of, Ooh, what is that bulge? And what is that bulge? And what is that bulge? How big is your Wang? How big your Wang be? I bet on Reddit though, that person found a community. Yeah, that's fine. If, if you can do anything on Reddit, it is find a community for some wild ass shit. Yeah, I was gonna say no jail time, but definitely find like some sort of like aa situation for this person should find a community and look inward. Amen. Case closed. That's all I got, boy. Wow. Those were so good. So to end it, I just wanted to end with judge Judy's top 10 catch phrases, things that she says that you can take into your own life. Number one, don't pee on my leg and tell me it's raining. Amen. Sister. A k. Don't lie. Don't gaslight me. Bologna. Classic. I'm gonna be saying that all the place I love bologna. Bologna's great. Oh wait, I got a charcuterie board and I never made it. Oh, that's so cute of you. I got a little cheese and wheatens and fucking pepperoni. Charco cheese. I got a char cutie and I never made it for us. That's well Charco last. We can just use it next time I'm here. That's true. That's true. Cheese and meats don't go nowhere. That's true. If it doesn't make sense, it's not true. Write it on my tombstone if it doesn't make sense. It's not true. Okay. I feel like Erin would say this. I agree, mother. Erin, I'm the boss. Applesauce. Put that on yours. I eat morons like you for breakfast. Morons like you for breakfast. Jesus Christ. This is my playpen. You don't play the rules. You don't play. Interesting. She's a stickler for the rules. She's like, don't fuck around on me. Do I have stupid written on my forehead? It's giving. I wasn't born yesterday. Yeah. Yeah. She might be young, but she was not born yesterday. I might have been born at night, but I wasn't born last night. Mm-hmm. You're not as smart as you think you are. Ooh, one of my all time favorites. Burn. Burn, burn. Judy Burn. Just go in. Okay. You know how I know you're lying because your lips are moving. A woof. Yeah. Nips are moving. Yeah, nips are moving. So Megan Trainor basically knocked off. Judy. Yeah, essentially I'm speaking, you're not, that's number 10. I love this line. This is such a good one. I am speaking and you are not. No notes. I love Judy. I love her attitude. I love her pizazz. Love her energy. I love her energy. The amount of time she tells people to shut the fuck up. It's so iconic and people actively, it reminds me a lot of dick's last resort. You know, we would go to that restaurant. I love that. And you would go to get made fun of. I feel like she, are you itching underneath your wig with your gavel? I have this whole time. It's so it. I've been going like, she literally sticking the bottom end of her gavel going like this. Up the wig. No, I'm watching you do it. Stop it. Also going like this. Stop. She's massaging her head with the actual gavel part. I'm s itching. Mother's itching. Why are you so itchy? I don't know. You need to get that checked. I mean, we have also pull it forward. You're losing your god mind over there. Your wigs wig. Sorry. Sorry about that. I'm actually, you know what I'm giving Ron, you are giving Ron Weasley. You are in fact giving Ron Weasley. I don't remember what we were just talking about. I got distracted. Judge Judy. Oh, if she started a cult, I would join for sure. Yeah, agree. For sure, for sure, for sure. I agree. I like the, I like the attitude. It's no bullshit. She tells it like it is, but she's fair too. She'll listen to both sides. She's like, give me your spiel and then I'm gonna give you some facts and I'm gonna use some logic on your asses. Case closed. You should have Judge Judy Day all the time. Yeah, maybe we do. Every couple months we dress up in this garb and we judge. Okay. Do you feel good about that? Let's make a segment. It's a segment now. Judgment Day part one. Judgment day, part two. Yeah. So this is judgment day part one. These glasses, like when I tell you, I think I was meant to be like a flapper or something. Yeah. I don't know what you're giving right now, but I can't place it. It's like four. I don't, do you know what I mean? Yeah. Like it's working, but like something is off, but it works at the same time. No, I, I don't think anything's off. Maybe I need to, I actually think that like that is what your hair would look like as an elder, I think. I think that you would like you're giving a distant relative or something. I'm serving cunt right now. You're giving for those. You're giving me giving. This is so random. Ooh, you're giving like one of our aunt situations, our great aunts, great aunt. Yeah. Re removed or not removed, but like second, you know, distant. But that's what you're giving. It's giving familial. Oh God. I hope to be as sassy and as if I have this type of hair now. I've always had super long hair, so this would be wild. But like this curl like Yeah, it's crazy. It's giving, yeah, I can get behind this. I can totally get behind this. Ooh, I just bought new curler roller things. Yeah, they're the Velcro ones, so I can give myself blowouts. Do. How have we liked them? I haven't used them yet. I don't know. Oh, okay. To be continued, but I bought like the MOUs and the dry shampoo. Like I did all the things, the lightweight hold and maybe I can do a little bit of this, but for long ass hair, we'll follow up with that. Honestly. We'll circle back. I need a good review for that. Okay. I'll keep you posted. Anyway, everyone happy Three years cheers to three years of us. Cheers to three fucking, I can't, I can't believe it. I know. I mean, I can, I can believe it. I can't believe we've had three years worth of stuff to talk about. I mean, the amount of topics we've covered, truly everything under the sun. Stop itching. I can't help it. You look like, oh, you haven't seen this movie. If anyone knows the Cinderella with Brandy in one of the stepsisters, she's like, I itch when I'm nervous and she can't stop itching herself. That's what Colleen's doing, but I, I just can't, I cannot believe it's been three years. I can't believe people actually wanna listen to us for three years. We so appreciate you. We can't wait to do it for many, many more. Can't wait to pop our pussies for three more. Amen. A hundred percent case closed. Okay. Oh, sorry. Case closed. Oh, love you mean it. Everybody. Love you mean it. Bye bye. Bring out the Dancing Lobsters. Jail time. Boy. Wow. That was so fun. I enjoyed that thoroughly. Yeah, I

Speaker 9 1:35:10

podcast was produced by me, Bridget Shannon. Music is written and performed by Matt Derosiers. You can find his band, Super Stoker, anywhere you listen to music.