Call Me Maizy Daddy

On this week’s episode, Colleen recaps her trip to Nashville where she realized her body can no longer handle a long weekend bender on Broadway but can absolutely still handle a hot dog.. or six. Bridget talks about her wholesome getaway to North Conway that fully refilled her cup, followed by a spa visit where she nearly pulled squatters' rights. 

Then we get into the story of the week, CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS. The most overhyped man in the history of men.... what a dick. Bridget breaks down what he actually discovered (spoiler: nothing), how he became manic about gold and how he somehow ended up with statues, parades, and a federal holiday. After that, Colleen asks ChatGPT for the most unhinged version of Thanksgiving and boy did she deliver.

Happy Turkey Day, bitches!!! Grateful for every single one of our, Sippers. Gobble Gobble.

Sources:

• Columbus’ Brutal and Controversial Voyage to the America’s - Big Ships! On YouTube
  Who was Christopher Columbus? Episode 215 - American History Hit Podcast
  Columbus - Into the New World Documentary - The Peoples Profiles on Youtube
• ChatGPT

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Transcript

0:26

Sarah, whatever will be, will be the futures not to see get Sarah. I don't know what that's from, but it reminds me of Alvin and the Chipmunks. I think. Oh good God. Why are your references always insane? But it could absolutely not be from Alvin and the Chipmunks. However, Alvin and the Chipmunks music bop Absolute Bops Christmas. That's what I do time for. Okay. Time for toys and time for chair. Do you know Leanne bought me a t-shirt recently. Did she? Also known as a sussy, which is when you just buy someone something because it reminds you of it reminds you of them. What? Why can't I rough to a rough start? Yeah. It reminds when you buy something that when they see it, they're like, oh my God, that reminds me of you. Yeah. I don't know why that took me so long to formulate. Yeah. I apologize in advance for this episode. I love a good sussy and so we love a sussy and she bought me a t-shirt and it on it, it's green and it just says mashed potatoes. I said, this is the best thing that has ever been purchased. No notes there. Thank you so much. And then she helped me hang my new thing above my bed. Well,'cause we don't need no man because we don't need no man. I mean, I fear I do, but you know what I mean? Like in retrospect, I don't need a man. Yes. But I, I definitely am. I am the backbone of this household until something needs to be hung up. And then I call Leanne, who is then the backbone of this household. Hallelujah. Mashed potatoes. Mashed potatoes. I said the other day that I hadn't had mashed potatoes in a while, and a man said the audacity to say, you literally had them last week at the steakhouse. And I said, literally, no, I didn't. That was a puree bitch. Don't come. Don't even come at me for my mashed potato eating. You don't know me. It was a puree. I mean, it's a, it's a mashed potato, but they call you. I was gonna say, you know how they call like a potato puree? Like, you know, but it's like a, they fancy to that. Yeah. No, it's mashed it. What steakhouse were you at? It was a steak house where I knew I knew a girl. I knew I knew a guy. You had your people call their people. Yeah, my people were peeing. Okay, great. I just know that I wouldn't normally, I was just excited about the mac and cheese to die. Very on brand. No, literally to die for. And he actually was like, I, I was like, I'm so full. And he's like, you didn't really eat that much. And then I, he looked at the mac and cheese and goes, oh. The audacity, keep your mouth shut. No, actually, and you know what else, while we're at it, let me add to this, the slander. Oh wow. We were at an Italian place approximately three days ago. And I looked up, we got, I was like, oh, do you wanna split something?'cause I just like, I'm into this a split sea era, honestly. Like I called a split sea because it's really, I just want two separate things on the menu and I can't decide. So like, you pick one and I pick the other and then I can have both of them. Yeah. Duh. And I was like, oh, I didn't even give him an option. I just asked him. And then he was like, whatever you want. And it's like, great answer. So obviously chicken par with vodka sauce because duh. And I had a lot of the pasta and he was like, I'd be impressed. Like, and I was like, you're not eating any, he's like, I'm not really hungry right now. I just like said that. And I was like, okay. And he's like, but I'd be impressed if like you ate all of that. And then I looked over and Aaron and Fever were like almost done with their meals. And I'm like, excuse you. How dare you come from me? I will eat all of this. Don't tell me. You don't tell me you're impressed. So I did that thing where I ate most of it and then I put it into Go box and then I ate it when we got home. You spaced it out, said, yeah. Digestion time. Yeah, so just shut up. My college friends do this really well where we all order something different and then split it. And it has been lovely. Like we have been at restaurants where all four of us get something different, and I have four different bites of things. There is actually nothing better. There's nothing better in this whole world. Yeah. We at a Italian restaurant recently that I love and I got a chicken parm, and then someone got like a nichi, and then someone got like a broccoli rob. And then someone got meatballs and then we got Ori and it was like, this is a fucking dream. Yeah, yeah. Gimme all the things. Gimme a tasting, gimme a trio. Give me a tasting of everything. A little sum. Sum, a little. So, so something. Okay. Anyway. Hi everyone. Hi. Welcome to this week's episode of Sipping with the Shannon's. We're cousins and every other week we sit down, we sip on some line, we talk some shit, and we have a good giggle. I'm Bridget Shannon. I am Colleen Shannon. Hey dear. I'm doing good. How the fuck was Nashville? Tell us everything. Oh, it was, we, the honks were talking, we're honk and tonky. Were you hollering in a swallowing? I was hollering in a swallowing that I was did fee have the best time on her first trip? Trip to Nashville? She had the best fucking time in the whole world. Is she like, I wanna live here now. She's like, Toby Keith is in me. He's here. He is. He us. He's spirit of Toby Heath lives with, no, he's like, we walked to a bar at one point and automatically like courtesy the red, white and blue is playing. And she's like, he's with me. It's following her. I have the chills. She's manifesting him. Yeah, no, for sure. Yeah. There is a really funny story that I just thought of right now that's actually not in my notes.'cause you know, I have to write everything down. That's correct. We were at Kid Rocks the first night, I think actually. And there was this little old woman that was like, she looked like she was. Lost and scared for a minute. And then when we got her up to the front of the crowd, which it wasn't like that crowded, she was like, but then she's like, the floor is shaking. And it made her nervous. So we were like, no. But she was like, oh my God, having a great old time. Flash forward to two whole nights later, we see her again and we're drunk and we're like, oh my God, it's us. I couldn't remember, I can't remember her name. Like say her name was Edna. So we're like Edna, she is terrified. You scared her. We scared the shit out of her to the point where her us, a young guy like our age came up and was like this is my aunt, can I help you? And we, it was like actually embarrassing. We were like, no, we loved this woman the other night. Yeah, you like you, we came in too hot on and I'm so sorry. We're not predators. Oh my God, we're not trying to attack your grandma. And people were watching us do that. Like, man's was, and a couple other people and they were like, so I think that woman was very scared of you. And we were like, stop. We were just so humbled. Aw, we were so, she literally was like, you obviously can't see me, but a picture of someone that like Shri shrinks up. Like she shrunk up at us and we were like, oh, she took a step back. We were like, and she clutched her pearls. We were like, sorry, I'm my God, I'm so sorry. We just had a grand old time. She didn't remember you guys. No. She must have been shitfaced. I mean, and she's like, he's like, he was like, I'm Tony, this is my Aunt Edna. And we were like, sorry Tony, we just Okay. Tony. A grand old time with fucking Aunt Edna. I did write down my thought, sorry. I am, I fear I'm not built for as many days as I was there physically. Just physically, I think it's a two night now and like my feet look, were so small and they looked like shreks. Okay. It was bad. It was bad. And I did, it's good to have some reflection at the end of the trip. No. Yeah, like I, the rumor has it, my feet still hurt. Like I was walking around the apartment the other night and I go, I swear to God I have a throb still. Like I, it's not the same. Were you in heels the whole time? No, I was in like boots, but I also bought orthopedic insoles and they didn't work. And I also stole Johnny socks'cause they're thicker than mine. So I was taking all the, it wasn't like I was just like bare, bare ball in it and was just like, you do bear ball a lot was me. No, I, I, I took proper preparations, Bridget, and it did not work in my favor. Okay. I did go barefoot one night and I fear man says, never seen me like that. And he was like, just, why can't you just put on your shoes? And I'm like, you don't understand. Like I will be in a mood. Like we either have to go home or I will be in a mood. Like I, you just let me take my shoes off. What's the issue here? There, there wasn't an issue, but like we'd have to go in the bars and he's like, you have to put them on when we go in the bar. So I'd put them on zip down. Zip down. Like thigh, high boots, zip down, ced, no, it was bad if you don't marry this man immediately he was like, okay, so this is what we're doing. All righty. This is what you need. The first day we went straight to Broadway. Mm-hmm. From the airport. Right. And how'd that go? We were in all in matching. Not matching, but we're all in the same set of sweatsuits in different colors, subconsciously completely by accident, smelling of self tan and sweat it. I have never felt grosser in my entire life. Broadway has seen a lot worse than you guys. Exactly. Everyone was staring us when we walked in and not for the right reasons, like stare at other people, stare at these people with their yts hanging out. Then it was two or early in the night because that's not the worst Broadway saw that day, let alone. I mean Yes, exactly. I was like, please piss posh. Yeah, for real. However, the scent was scenting. Okay, got it. Did. It was a stench. I did ask Mans, I was like, can you just smell me like I can't? And he's like, mm, I've definitely smelled worse on you. Which is concerning, but it was not great. Not great. Every bar we went to, I'd be like, let's just go and get hot dog. Like let's just go get a hot dog. Like can we just, how many hot dogs do you think I ate over under? Ooh. How many hot dogs do I think you ate? Well, I feel like the most on brand thing for you would to be find the one stand that sells it every night. And that's like your go-to stand on Broadway. Oh, they have like so many. Oh, then over four. Yeah. I had six. I did, I knew it. It was, I was five or six over six for sure. Like, I would just be like, but I can see them like let's go get them. They were eating corn dogs. I was not about the corn dogs. I was loyal to the hot dogs. Of course, naturally. I did one. You expect nothing less you would appreciate. When we got back the last night, we like had a flight really early in the morning and I ordered. I was like, the girlies are still out. I'm such a good friend, I'm gonna order food. And I ordered myself a baked potato. Oh, look at Yuko. But I ordered them like chicken nuggets and like burgers. But I just ate a, I ate a baked potato and I went to bed. What'd you get on it? Sour cream. Okay. Anything else? Sour cream and butter. Oh, okay. And I didn't tell anybody either. This is like a first reveal. I never even told them I ordered that baked potato. Ha ha ha. Sneaky. Oh my god. I took a really bad tumble. What do you mean? I'm not a Tumblr either. I, you know me, I, I'm stable on the ground. I'm not a faller. You're also close to the ground. Correct. So when you fall, like I fell so hard. Big tree fell hard for no reason why. To the point where Fiona goes, when I closed my eyes, all I see is you your fall. I What happened? I don't know how I did it. I was just like, at the ball. I was dancing and like, I, it was the way my foot got entangled with one another and I just, is this why your feet hurt? Like my feet went up, my feet were in the air. I was earmarked. You went ass over t kettle somehow I don't, and it was like on my side and I, I have a bruise the size of a baseball on the inside of my knee, like in the weirdest spot possible. Okay. And I laid there and I thought to myself, I'm not getting up. I'm, I'm simply not an Australian man. And mans peeled me off the ground. And I know When you say peeled, you mean peeled? No, I was not, I just laid there and I was laughing so hard that I wasn't making sound. Do you know that sound? You know Oh, I know exactly what you mean. Laying on a wet floor. That's slightly concerning. I will say sometimes falling drunk is better because you, you don't tense up, you kind of just flop. Oh yeah. I kept it moving. But lemme tell you next day I was like, whoa, whoa, Nelly. You also have to tell the people about the Snapchat that you sent to me. What'd I send you about the remote? Oh my God. When I got home, I was so unwell, I fell asleep. And you guys, I have to have something on my TV at all times when I'm sleeping.'cause I, I just can't. I need a sound. And in the morning I was like, how the fuck I gotta turn this off and I could not find my remote for the life of me. My ass cheek swallowed a hole. I had a full imprint, like you could change the channel on my ass. I showed someone I zoomed in so you couldn't see like your asshole, which is also in the photo because she's completely naked in the photo your girl sleeps naked in, in the corner of her ass. Is the full remote with all of the buttons imprinted. And I am not kidding, one of my friends said, that's a Roku. I do in fact have a Roku. Someone was like, that says Netflix. One of the buttons says Netflix. I, it is so imprinted in you. It's not like when you sleep weird on a pillow. Yeah, it's every single button. I'm gonna zoom in and post it just so people don't see like, yeah, yeah. That's, thank you so much. Use all the things. Your girl was in a deep sleep, to say the least. And she was like, when you sleep naked, naked and you wake up in the room, I couldn't find, I was the fuck is a remote. And then I got up and I felt something like remove itself. And I was like, oh wow, that's So The move itself, no, it was so like unstick itself. It was so deep that I didn't feel it, like it became one with my ass cheek. Oh God. One night at Kid Rock's, the, I can't, the line was so fucking long. I love that bar though. No, I do. You know what? It wasn't Kid Rock's. It was Dirks Bentley this time. Okay. But Kid Rocks was the one, the one with the old woman. The aunt. Oh, Edna. Yeah. Yeah, Edna got it. At downstairs at Jerks Bentley. There we were like, what the fuck? The line? It's like one in, one out down there. And the line for the girlies was long. The guys was not per usual. However, there are only urinals in there. And the girl behind us was like an older woman. Like, she was like a maba. And she was like, honestly, like we use it all the time. Like, I'll hold the door if you just wanna go in there. Oh. And it's not like at here where you're like, girls get in trouble. You would get in trouble for doing that. Right. You could do whatever the fuck you want. So she holds open the door. There's two urinals. And the way me and Fiona pee in them, we are like squatted. But where we're squatting, the angle is like we are holding, like we are holding each other.'cause it's at like a, it's like an L kind of. So like we're, our knees are touching. Great. So we're pee in urinal, nothing like intense eye contact with your best friend while you pee in a urinal. And so then we leave of course,'cause there was no stall. And we walk out and this girl, we're the best of friends. Five minutes goes by after we can't stop giggling. John's like disgusted that I pee in a urinal. I'm like, I've done worse, sir. I was gonna say, of all the, you have to pee a lot too, so like, and he does too. So he should at least respect that. He did. Don't worry, he'd be giggled about it. But there was, the singer started a conga line and like no one is really biting and like, there's nothing I hate and he felt bad. Yeah. So this one guy, he's like, let's get into it. And there's this man and he's going, he's kind of marching, it's like really not a conga that's happening from him. And we just hop on in and we're doing. You know, a a, a circle around the bar and it ends and he returns to his table, who is his wife, but the woman that assisted us, I go over to them, I'm obviously shit face and I'm like my family. And they're both, don't realize that we know each other. So they're both like, I'm like a lot of approaching people we think we're very close with on this trip. No, they thought it was hilarious. We like hugged like it was sweet. We had a grand old time. We were like, love you. By the end, we, I also made some Australian friends that I was saying obs not obscene things, but like very what would be probably, thank God they were cool.'cause I was like, it's Do you rather have kangaroos? Like we have dia Like those types of questions, like coy. No, I know, but they were, they were cool. They thought it was hilarious. And I'm like, can I see your id? I've never seen an Australian Id. Like I was being weird, but they were cool. The one of them picked me up off the ground, like, come on. Oh, okay. A grand old time. We leave, we go to leave and mans wakes me up and says the Uber, it's like 5:00 AM. I'm still drunk. He wakes us up and says, the Uber will be here in like 10 minutes, like, get your shit together. Also, the girl's room's locked. I'm like, great, Aaron, what do you mean? Aaron was supposed to have left an hour before us. So I'm like, why? What? So I'm, I'm confused. I'm not wearing pants. I'm, I'm very, I'm go to open the door. They're not opening the door. And I just say, you know what? Get me a butter knife. Get the butter knife, crack the door right open. And you know, I'm un nice about it. I sit down next to Aaron. And I'm Aaron Aaron. Honey, you, you need to leave. You were supposed to have left. Like, and I, she swats me. She hits me and I said, Erin. I said, Aaron, can I try one more time? Swat me again. I said, Aaron, get up. You were supposed to have watching and the door was locked and Fiona rolls over and looks at me and is like, what's the problem? I'm like, you locked the fuck. I know. We're like, it's this whole scene. I'm still not wearing pants. And Johnny's like, like looking for the imaginary watch. Like Hoop is here. Thank God for the span, like is here. Herds the cats every single time. Well, Aaron missed her flight, so Oh yeah. She ended up getting on our flight. It was. Not great doomsday. I could not stop throwing up. And we get on the plane, I am in the last aisle where there is no window and in the corner seat, which I'm like, okay, it's fine. I'll just like go right to sleep. If Fiona's next to me, I wake up at one point,'cause the turbulence was so bad, but I was like pissed that I was awake.'cause if I'm awake, I'll start gagging. Even though there's nothing in me. Like, it's just, it's just that my type of hangover. So I, it happens to me and I'm like, okay, I have go the bathroom. So I'm like, I have to crawl over Fiona. She will not move. And the stranger on the end suddenly forgets how to use his legs. All he has in front of him is a coffee. And I'm like, oh my God. Something is like actually coming out of me. And he's like, cannot figure out how to move. Like, and I'm like, sorry, someone's first day on earth. It's literally a, he's not like he was asleep. He was just sitting there. Yeah. So he eventually gets up and all of a sudden I'm just confused. I'm like, where's the, where's the bathroom? Like, Colleen, I have, do I not know where the bathroom is on a plane? I was so panicked. There's only so many people places. No, I was, no, I was so panic. And I was in the last row. You're next to it. I know. I was so, I was so panicked and so out of it that I was like, we were, and I eventually, oh, girlfriend, I gagged so hard. I peed my pants on the plane. I fully peed my pants. Call honey. All I could think about was you in the bathroom stall. Yeah, me falling asleep. And I thought to myself, at least I'm not falling asleep, at least my bridge. Oh no. Yeah. Urinating on yourself is definitely better than taking a tiger snooze. You're right in got its, I literally was like, but at the same time, the gagging felt so good that I was like, just let it go. It was like a no, it was bad. It was really bad. Were you in the stall when you peed yourself? Yeah, like I was hunched over like gagging. Did you have a change of clothes? No. So you got back into your seat, covered in area. Well, I was so dehydrated and like I hadn't drank anything, so it wasn't like a full empty bladder. But it was, it was. It was enough. It was very pertinent that I had peed my pants for sure. And I just said, I don't care. And I got back in the seat and I slept the rest of the drive. And when we got off the plane, I said, no one, look at me. No one touched me. Nothing. Don't look at me. I put on the cowboy hat and just prayed until we got home. We, the car ride was silent and just so silent. Yeah. That's the tale of what happened to me in Nashville. I had a grand old time. I, I, I will need some time away, for sure. Mm-hmm. Yep. Mm-hmm. And then the next day, I am the big fucking idiot that it was man's birthday and I was like, oh, we can go to the, there's a Brus game on your birthday. We were so unwell that we didn't even go out to dinner before we were like, not. I'm pretty sure I had like two glasses of wine. Couldn't couldn't. Did he have fun though? No. We had like so much fun, but at the same time it was like not up to par with like our usual Yeah. Antics. Mm-hmm. But we still had a grand old time and I was trying to explain to him how we, this is peasantry. For me, like as my childhood, which is such a, well explain to everyone what you mean by that. I know what you mean by that. Well, I'm saying it too, so you can assist me too, so I don't sound like a, oh, do you want me to explain Spoiled bitch, but Yeah. Yeah. Actually, yes. So both of our dads were brothers for those who are new here. Hi. Hello. Mine is dad. Hers is alive and unwell, and they worked together at the Boston Garden for 30 plus years. And so there was a significant chunk of time, I would say 25 straight years, where if we walked into the Boston Garden, we did not need a ticket. We were taken in through the back. We were brought by the Zambonis. We did not need seats. We didn't, we got the best of the best. We didn't pay for food. We didn't really need anything at all, ever. We just like strutted in with the staff and they were like, oh my God, you're Steve's daughter. You're Danny, Shannon's daughter, whatever it was. And we got the princess treatment for a very long time. And obviously mine is passed, so he no longer works there and neither does Colleen's dad. And it's, it's weird. It is weird to go back and like sit in the bleachers. Yeah. It's not great. You paint an arm and a leg for like a sliver of what you had in childhood. Yeah. Yeah. It's crazy. And it sounds ridiculous to say out loud sometimes. Like if you're like, oh, I used to do this or I should do that. It's like, well, we were so what a, like a special cool thing that we didn't accurately understand at the time. Like I, I, I knew it was really cool, but now, I mean, now it's in, it's insane. Like there were, you know, if the section, the handicap session obviously was not being used, they would not kick out handicap people for us. But if the handicap section wasn't being used, they would put us there. Or they knew all the season ticket holders and they were like, oh yeah, they're not coming tonight and they couldn't sell their tickets. You get, you guys get sit next to the glass or like sit next to the camera guy, he'll take care of you. And then, you know, blades would be next to us, high fiving us out of nowhere and then someone would toss us a puck. Like we just really got this like. Celebrity treatment for a very, very long time. Yeah. For like, literally no reset it. We just, it was, it's very niche, I would say. Yeah. It's a very ni it's a very small group of people and so if you have ever watched a Bruins game or a Celtics game, it's the Bull gang and they're the guys who change like the ice to the parquet or the parkade to the stage for a concert or to Disney on ice or the frigging circus, whatever is going on at the garden. That those are the guys who do the changeovers. They're incredible. They're just like the best group of group of dudes. There's a clubhouse downstairs. My dad made the frames in the clubhouse, and so going in there is like going into a time traveling machine. Yeah, I would agree. Hot tub time machine. I, I find it difficult to go to the garden to this day. Yeah. And I just went with Paula a couple weeks ago and we had a grand old time, but I liked it because we went to a new bar and we went to a new place. I haven't done it before. It was different. It felt different. It felt like a different experience. Yeah, like someone, like they broke their sticks and it's just like, he's like, oh damn, that like sucks. Like, like they just tossed those And I was like, no. My dad used to pick up the broken sticks and then he would make frames and then he would have the players sign the frames and he never sold one of them. He gave them away to everyone. He gave them to charities, he gave them to kids and he always made sure the player's name showed on the stick. There's actually one on my wall in my living room right now as we speak. And I just remember thinking like he could make a killing. And he was like, that's just not what it's about. That's not what I'm trying to do. I'm not trying to make a quick buck. Yeah. I'm trying to make someone's day and do this really cool thing with something they would've just thrown out. Yeah. Yeah. He was known for his hockey stick frames. They don't make'em like that. No, ma, I'll tell you. No, they do not. No, they do not. Yeah. One of my favorite pictures of me and my dad is the old, old garden. It's gotta be like 1993. Fleet center things? No, before the, it was the garden. Oh really? It was the garden then the fleet center, then the garden. Oh, I don't remember that. There actually might be a name in the middle of there. I'll have to ask Aaron. Aaron would know. But I, I'm a little kid. I gotta be two, three, maybe four. And my dad is behind me and he's wearing his townie, Charlestown townie Monument sweatshirt. And I'm in front of him and he has his hands on my shoulders and one foot is on parkade and one is on ice. And they were in the middle of the changeover and he took a picture with me right in the middle. And I, I love that picture. But yeah, it's very weird going to the garden now where we common citizens. We're peasants. Yeah. Don't love it. You're like everybody else. Yeah. I don't wanna be one of the common foes. I'm just who we are. No, I have who we absolutely are. Who do I think every other very, I actually was giggling to myself'cause I was like, it's, I was so losey like I, I had like that t-shirt that said like, Bruin's girl. And I've said like, you know, what was I the original pick me? Was I the original pick me That was like cute and fun back then. Yeah. That's fair. It's not like I was like 20 doing that shit. No, no, no, no. Anyhow, yeah, that's that. What else did I do? Anything else? I feel like that was like the really, the only cool thing that I did this whole time. Oh, I took mans to the Holy Land Ireland chilies close enough. That'll do donkey. He had never been, he did he get a Triple Dipper? We got a Triple Dipper and a chicken and cheesecake. Oh. Did he feel so good about his choices in his life? Yeah. Was his mind blown? No. He was the cheese pull. My cheese pull was better than his because obviously, obviously, and he kept saying like, we didn't, he was like, we didn't need the chips and salsa. He was like, pissed about it. I'm like, just'cause you, but they're bottomless. No, but just'cause you fill up. He was like, mad about it. I'm like, that's your fault. Not the chips fault that you, oh no, you filled up. That's your problem. Not them. Don't blame the chips. Don't blame the chips. Don't blame the damn chips. Loved it. I had a baby shower, Olivia's baby shower, and obviously I did not bring a pack of diapers with my gift, but I entered the, my, her sister entered me in the diaper raffle anyways. And I won. I did it. Jesus Christ. I didn't bring back. It was actually funny'cause remember she was like, Colleen, I'm like, me little. Oh me. Good god. I put, I tried Bagel world. People seem to love bagel world and I don't get the hype. Okay, great. Cool. And that's all I got. Yeah, that's it. What'd you do? Tell me everything. I went to the Omni Mount Washington with my girlfriends for a night. Ooh. And it was fucking spectacular. Isn't it So pretty up there? It's so stunning. And we drove there at night, so the next morning when I woke up, I was like, shook to your core. I couldn't, because I don't go to North Conway. I don't go, like, I've never been up there for an extended period of time. I was. Shook if that hotel is so fucking gorgeous and rustic and old and stunning and expensive. And I loved every second of it. We just had the best time. Like we had this big room, we brought air mattresses. It was just a proper girl site. We did dinner, they sat us at this big circle table and we beat the same jokes to death, the best and rehash old ones with new information, with like one extra detail. And then we had to rehash the whole story. You have to recess everything. And then we went to the cave, which is like the bar, and they had a DJ and we were requesting songs and giving each other a hard time. And it just was like one of those nights, I'm really, really grateful for that night. Like it was just one of those fill my cup fully kind of nights your cup, run it over. Truly, truly, truly. And then I had face masks for everybody. So we went upstairs. We were just like, couldn't stop giggling at each other. Having the time of our lives. It was wonderful. It really was. I think a night away specifically too is enough time where you all get to like really catch up and hang out, but not so much time where they're like, okay, we need babysitters. We need Yeah, it perfect half, half days from work. We need like the full kit and caboodle. It's like a perfect zip in zip out situation, even though it's quite a drive, but it's doable. Yeah. And there's just something about a sleepover that just hits different, oh my God, it's the best. It's the fucking, but we're all doing our skincare and like yapping and Jessie Gray is singing off Key and it's just, and Jessie's singing off key and we can't stop laughing. Like I almost peed myself multiple times. Like my legs were crossed and I just really, really needed it. We woke up, we got some breakfast, we went directly into the hot tub. Some of us, like we just woke up and went to the hot tub. Classic. And then my friends left and I was quite sad, but my family was coming. And so in between the the changeover, I went to the spa. Wow. Colleen, what one of the best spa experiences of my life. I had a feeling, honestly. It is so stunning. I had a two hour massage. Now will I need to open a loan to pay for such a thing? I will. And that's between me and whatever Lord I decide to believe in, in this moment. RuPaul. I can't get over how expensive it was. However, it was in fact worth every penny. Sitting in that hot tub with Matt Washington in the background while I. Sipped on some wine after having a charcuterie board and a two hour massage where they used CBD oil on my S sore muscles, and they had me sit in a eucalyptus steam room. What are we doing? A sauna. And then of course I made friends with all the girlies and then one girl was like, oh my God, I'm here on a date. And I had to buy a bathing suit.'cause I didn't realize we were gonna go do a massage and there would be a hot tub, like in a heated pool. What a date. So I had to go, well there's a doctor's convention and he's a doctor. Oh. And so she was like, I had to go to the gift shop and buy this bathing suit. It was this like really beautiful little lighter than royal blue, but really bright. Mm-hmm. And they made her girls look fantastic. And I was like, it's an amazing color on your olive skin. The girls are girling. Like you've got this. And she was like, thank you so much. Like I feel like I have a friend here and I'm like really alone and I'm nervous. And I was like, bitch, you have got this. Then a girl walked up to me and she said, I'm sorry, I don't know you. I just really like your dimples. And I was like, oh my God, thank you. My masseuse said you made my whole day. I was like, I don't know what's happening. But everyone's being really fucking nice to me. And I'm gonna cry. I needed this. Everyone's stop being so nice or I'm gonna weep. It just was like magical. Yeah, it was magical. The kids got there, we swam, we had room service, we had drinks. We, we brought them the next morning. Probably the highlight was we brought them up. That cog railway. Yeah. And the train was pink, so Claire was thrilled. I mean, Claire was like, my jacket is pink and that's my favorite color. And now we're on a train that's pink. The train is me. We were the first train out. It was us in one couple, so there were seven of us total. We go up, we get to roast the marshmallows, we get the hot chocolate. It's so fucking cute. We get back down the mountain and we go into the gift shop.'cause you like that's where you exit. Yeah. 100 people waiting for the next one. Odd. We looked at each other and we were like, turns out getting up at the ass, cro of dawn is like the way to go. Damn. 100 screaming children everywhere. I was like, oh no, that would not have, that would not do. No, that would not do. No, no. I actually wanna go back and do the longer one with my girlfriends. if you are in the Mount Washington area and you have kids, I highly, highly, highly recommend it. Yeah. It was so nice. And then we got to hang out with cousin Karen and her aunt and uncle and watch the Patriots and that'll fill your cup. Auntie Terry cooked all this amazing food and then I drove home. Like it just was a beautiful, I felt like my cup was full, filled in a lot of different ways, like family, friends, relaxation. You fun my saying. I meant to say, killed multiple birds with one stone in one whole weekend. Yeah. Just really, really fun. And then this last weekend I was with Karen again. I got my hair cut. You know her best friend does my hair. Yeah. Auntie Terry was like, come over, I'll make you food. I'm like, auntie, why don't you pick your favorite place? I'll pick up the food and come over. And I obviously was like. Just gonna surprise them with a, you know, yeah. Schor. She was like, no, I am making homemade beef stew. How can you, how, how could you, you and I was like, I, I have no words. It was so, fuck Colleen, I could have cried. So, of course I like stop and get wine and everything. And they were making cosmos and they had bread and Kerrygold butter. Oh. And so they were buttering the bread so we could dip it in the stew. Oh. And it was like chili and rainy that night. Perfect. And I just had like a cosmo and we were yapping and telling stories and I was like, I could do this every Friday night. This is beautiful. And that's like their, that's like their Tuesday, I feel like. Yeah. That's their, that's what they do. And then one of my best friends from college, Rosie had a Friendsgiving on Saturday. And it just was so much fun. Like full spread. We played board games, we played card games. We laughed so hard. Again, I left there and was like, I have an ab. I just had the best time and it wasn't like a, I don't know, I put less value into, I know I go out still, hello. I'm 35. I'm single and I have disposable income. Who the fuck wouldn't be? Yeah. However, those nights of just sitting at home and having a really good meal with like a smaller group of people just hits fucking different than being out at a bar. Yeah. It just does. I need those nights every once in a while, but that Homecooked meal telling the same jokes, the same ins, like that is so much more important to me. I would agree. So, yeah. And then I watched a few things. Do you wanna hear I do. Frankenstein? I cried. Really? I fucking cried. They're so mean to him. Bridgette, I can't, the monster. Bridgette. It's Frankenstein. They're, they're so, no. Frankenstein is Victor Frankenstein. Frankenstein's monster. AKA Frankenstein is the monster. Not the monster. Okay. Are you picking up what I'm putting down? Literally? No, but I, oh my God. There's, he's like quasimoto. They're so mean to him and he's so nice. Oh, like the Goonies? No, like Quasimoto from the Hunchback of Notre Dame. Oh, okay. You uncultured swine. Oh no. You've never seen Hunchback of Notre Dame? No, not really. I know who Quasimoto is. Oh, how ever I remember this.'cause I used to yell Sanctuary all the time and you never knew what I was talking about. Okay. They're very mean to a very nice person who doesn't look like them. Got it. And they're not, they're actually the monsters not the one that looks like the monster is the whole point. Understood. That's the vibe. It's very, very good. The acting is amazing. I am sure they'll win a bunch of shit for it. Okay. Everyone involved? All right. Oscar, Isaac, Jacob, ti, you name it. Death by Lightning. You will not like it. Don't worry. This is for everybody else. It's quick. It's easy. It's political intrigue. Oh, it's throwback, it's history, twists, turns, all sorts of stuff is happening. I highly recommend. I thought it was great. I also think it will win a bunch of shit. All her fault. Sarah Snook. Did you watch this? No, that I think you should watch. It's right up your alley. Oh, okay. Sarah Suk is Shiv from, did you ever watch Shake Succession? She's a redhead. No, she's the daughter of the, oh my God. I've seen an ad for this. Is it like a blue background? Can I tell you something? What? After our episodes there, people message me and they're like, I know exactly what you're talking about. And I'm like, thank you so much for the validation because I feel like Colleen and I sometimes live on different planets. No, we do, but I At least you know what you're getting yourself into. It's not like every time you're like, what? It's like our course. No, that's true. That's true. You are nothing if not consistent. Thank you. All her fault. It's a story about a married couple whose son gets taken stolen, kidnapped. Period. That is all I will tell you. It's all the rage right now. All the rage pe people are trip, trip tripping. I recommend it. I think you'll really like it. Talk about twists and turns. It's a, it's kind of like a who done it? You don't really know what's coming next. Every episode you're like, oh, a gasp. I don't think it's the best thing I've ever seen, but I think it is very bingeable great tv. I need something like that right now. I listen to an audio book, freedom McFadden death row. If you care to listen to it, then skip forward for like 30 seconds. I was so fucking mad at the ending. It was one of those stupid ones that's like, oh, you really can't figure out what's happening at the end. She's just like, actually in a coma the whole time. And it was like a halluc, like a whole halluc. What about that really drives me nuts when it's like it was that dream. I'm like, are you, why did I go on that ride then? She was in a coma the whole time. I was pissed. Are you starting to like pick up because you've read so much of her, are you starting to get sick of it where it's not different enough? Do you know what I mean? Yeah, no, I find that with Cy, like I've read so many of them now that two chapters and I'm like, well now I know how this is gonna go. So my problem is, is that I only like audio mystery thrillers, but I need to read other books physically. Like if it's any other genre, I need to read it. Okay. Especially if it's smu. I cannot listen to that shit out loud. Okay. Fair enough. I don't like, like in my car driving to work. Yeah. And it's like, girl, your loins or whatever the fuck they always say in those, his quivering member. Yeah. Like just stop. Stop with that. I don't need to hear that. Like it's fine if I'm reading it in my head and I'm picturing his Wang like, okay, cool. But like you saying it out loud does not do anything for me. It gives you the ick. Yeah. Thank you. Sorry. Continue. I love audible. That's the only way I listen. No, I do too, but only for. Yeah, that's fair. Spooky ones. I believe that's all the things that I've watched. I need to catch up on Real Housewives, but that's it for me. What about you? Anything? No, that was really it. I've just been re You've been busy friends, you've been Yeah. You're, I'm tired. Oh, and soprano, right? The Sopranos. Yeah. I gave up on that'cause I just like, needed a couple. I need to giggle. Oh, so you're onto friends? Yeah. I, I around. Did you go season one or are you, what are you doing? No, I just watch abrupt, like random play. I've watched it over so many times that I just don't even need, I actually, I just needed something easy the other day and I restarted Schitt's Creek and let me fucking tell you, that'll do it. It's just the best. It's just the best. You simply the best, the best. Oh, I, I went full Tina on that one. I didn't, I didn't go Patrick. That's okay. He sent that in a voice note to Dan Le. Oh, did he? They were like,'cause he's a musician in real life and they said, we wanna do this. We wanna do simply the best, but we wanna do like a spin on it. And that is what he fucking sent. I did not know that. And he said he cried. Oh. He was like, I had full body chills. I was like, fuck. Yes, I've heard that at so many weddings. I love that rendition so much. Noted. Anyway, are you ready for the topic of the day? You don't know what it is? No, I don't. But I figured it was silly. Girly Thanksgiving. Grateful related. Holy shit. That's right. Did you now, I mean, I just assumed, is it not, did you think I was gonna go like, let's name a bunch of things we are grateful for? No, because like, you know, that would be a very short list on my end, Colleen. Sorry, that was negative. Don't make Don't make me make you list things I don't wanna. Okay. Well's, I'm crank cranky today. Okay. I'm sorry. No, that's okay. Do you have your wine? Wait, give Ash a good ice cube swirl. Oh, warriors melt. Oh, oh, oh. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Oh, Ash. Good thing it caught me at a good time. The mountain. Wait, I have a request. You're getting sleepy. Mother. Mother has a request. Do you have to pee? Yes. Go for it. Thank you. We were just yapping for way too long. Hold on. A two, A 3, 4, 5. Are you ready? I don't know if I am, to be honest with you. So we're in the Renaissance era. Okay. Europe is expanding like crazy. Everyone is obsessed with finding new trade routes to India and China and everybody wants spices, silk riches, and like we, we want new land. We want to spread, and the land route from Europe to China is very slow. It's because of a war Ottoman empire. We're not going into it. Just know it's slow and it's dangerous and we can't do it by land. Right. Okay. That's not an option. The Portuguese are sailing down the coast of Africa, and they're trying to get to the Cape of Good Hope. The Cape of Good Hope is almost, they used to think it was the most southern part. It's not. It's right by Cape Town. I actually drove there, the tip. So it's right. It's right by the tip. Got it. But after you go past that tip, when you go up, that's when you're getting closer to like India. Right. You're on that right route. Sure. Does that make sense? Yeah. So then the idea instead of going down around the bottom of Africa and up, what if we went the other way? Right? What if there was a way to go west? Okay. Christopher Columbus was born in 1451 in Genoa, Italy. Do you know what my thought just was there? I was like, west, isn't America West? Like I did not. Mm-hmm. So we we're not discovered at America at this point. Mm-hmm. Okay. Chrissy? They're at least sure he was born around that general area. It's been debated because it was like a long ass time ago and no one really knows. But he was the eldest son and his family was middle class. His father was a wool weaver, and they would sell, said wolf wool, we wool we, and sometimes he was a tavern keeper. Ooh, okay. Kind of hot. Christopher was tall and skinny and he had red hair. Oh. Which I did not know. I didn't know that either. And by the time he's 14, he's like, get me on a boat, babes. Oh, really? I'm ready to be a sailor. Okay. Christopher learns how to sail and navigate when he begins to work with the Portuguese in the Merchant Marines. He learns by doing basically from the ground up. On Different voyages they had discovered the Azore Islands. The Canary Islands in Spain, Cape Verde Islands in Africa. Like they're, they're popping off, they're fine in places, and they're getting closer and closer to the Cape of Good Hope, which is, like I said, down downtown, down down at the bottom. Okay. And they were trying to find a route to Asia. And again, maps are being created as we speak. Right. So as they're sailing, they're also trying to map it all out at the same time. Birdman Magellan. And as they're going down these ports in Africa, they're making trade deals and they're working with the people who live there. And they're also conquering certain areas because they need certain ports to get what they need done. Okay. Casual. And this is the theme. So. Keep that in mind. They're just like, what? Like sticking their swords in their Wangs out saying, this is my land. Yep. We live here now gimme your sugar and spice. This is a port. Okay. We need it. Columbus became deeply invested in these trade deals. He's 14 in a major part of this. That's correct. Or he's like a teenager. Okay. I don't, did I even, he does this for a few years. I didn't even have pubes then. Yeah. Time went. Time moved a little differently back in these days. Got it. We're in the 14 hundreds. The look, do we have money then? I know you hate. I know you hate time. Yeah. This is a long fucking time ago. 15, 16, 17, 18. Did we have money then? Yeah. Okay. Not dollars in the way that we have. I mean, America is not, does not exist yet to us. Okay. And by to us, I mean Europeans because we are from European descent, it obviously exists in natives live there. We as Europeans do not know it exists. Cool. Got it. Cool. Great. Dollar. Dollar bill, y'all. He got better at navigating in his cartography skills, map skills. And he becomes more experienced in sailing, in especially sailing in uncharted waters. He worked with his brother who was actually a cartographer and they start designing maps. He didn't get any credit. He thinks he becomes an expert in this, in spoiler alert. His math is very, very wrong. He's not the expert he thinks he is. And because of his work, he is around nobility a lot. Like, I guess cartographer was kind of a big deal. So he's not in the inner circle, but he's circling the drain. Okay. Do you know what I mean? He's like one step removed. Cool. Until he marries a woman named Philippa. She is from a very prominent family. Mm-hmm. This marriage elevates his stature for shore. Okay. Her dad is an Italian and her mom is Portuguese and they are part of a quote unquote leading noble family. Oh, so he's getting some clout. Yeah, for sure. And her dad was a sailor in like Voyager. Oh. So he's hearing all about his father-in-law's, conquest stuff. Con yeah. Travels, successes, et cetera. Columbus and Philippa. I think it's Felipa, I think I'm pronouncing it wrong. Who cares? Felipa, she's dead. Moved to Porto Santo, Jesus Christ. And they have a son named Diego and on one of his voyages to Africa Felipa dies. Oh. Oh. So she is dead and she, she definitely dies Christopher and Diego together just doesn't like Christopher and Diego. It just like doesn't match the other. Well there's a lot of different versions of his name. There's no flow. Yeah, we Americanized it. Oh, okay. Got it. So just know there's different versions. He is now a widower with a young son to raise, but he wasn't interested in being a dad. Okay. Was not interested in that dad life. He had new places to discover and explore. See you. Fuck it later men. Columbus wanted to find a passageway for trade. His theory was that they could sail the opposite way and that they, if they could just go west, they could find Asia in China and all of its rich riches and gold must be sprouting from the ground over there. And the spices would make any man a lot, a lot of money, okay? And he's gonna find it plot twist, his math very incorrect. He dramatically underestimates the earth's size and overestimates the width of Asia. India was much farther away from Europe than he realized. He will find this out the hard way. Okay? So to go discover new land, you can't just like wake up one day and go like, Hmm, do you know what I wanna do? Discover new land. You have to basically find a sponsor to pay for such a thing, and you need ships, and you need a crew. So you kind of have to pitch yourself almost like a startup who needs donors. A shark tank of the 14 hundreds. 100% Colleen. A hundred percent. I can't believe I didn't think of that. That is correct. Cool. So he is going to whole ass countries and being like, will you back me? And he's waiting for someone rich enough to either take pity on him or believe in him enough. Mm-hmm. Where he gets the goods. Right. Gimme a dollar. I'm gonna fuck up this trade system. I'm going to make you so much money by finding a new world that we don't know exists yet. But I'm gonna find it and you are gonna make lots of money and you should pay for me to do it. Got it. Cool. Great. He took his proposal to King John the first. He was the king of Portugal. Mm-hmm. And this man is not interested. The king called him, quote, a big talker. Oh. And a quote Boster. Mm. I wouldn't have liked him, which is very, you would, you would have hated him. Columbus is, let me just spoil this for everyone. Christopher Columbus is the fucking worst. Oh, okay. The worst. He, okay. He's an ick. The biggest ick. Okay. I would've seen right through him. I feel like, oh, a hundred percent. Such a fluffer, like every story is like, just made him look like the hero and is told 14 times taller than what actually happened. And at first, people kind of buy it and then people lose a lot of interest, which we'll get into. Noted. This king, she him away. He's like, no, thank you. He then goes to France and England, no luck. And then he goes to Spain in the king and queen of Spain. At the time were Ferdinand and Isabella. Mm-hmm. They were interested, but they had a whole ass war going on, so they were like, listen, this sounds great. We have bigger fish to fry to my table list. We don't have the time, the energy or the money right now because it's all going to this war, come back. So apparently there's this like commission where you submit legitimately like Shark Tank, you submit this plan, and then an entire team of people is like, is this worth the money X, Y, and Z? Huh? And so he puts us around, I think in the video it said six years. He's just waiting for the commission to come back. They deny him. What? And he's pissed. And isabella ends up being his number one champion throughout this story. Oh. She kind of believes in him more than everybody else. Mm. And she says to him, wait till the war is over and come back. Okay. And do it again. Resubmit the to the commission what you wanna do. Does she have romantic feelings for him? That could be a good movie. I don't think so. Oh, good for her. I don't think so. But you know, who knows back then The fuck. Who knows? So in 1491, they revisit his proposal and they almost say no to him again because he has demands this time. Please. He, number one, is that he be made the admiral of the ocean. That is the most bullshit title I have. That's like when people give themselves a nickname. Yeah. It's like, I'm not calling you that. Everyone must call me Admiral of the Ocean. Okay. And they're like, great. Number two, any land that he finds, any, he becomes governor of period, period. And last, but certainly not lease any lands that he finds where trade is then made from, comes from whatever he gets 10% of for the rest of time. Okay. So imagine if you find a whole new continent, what that might mean. I'd be high, financially high. I'd be like, keep going because all this land. So he, I don't know why they're like, he's fucking crazy. But the answer is yes. So they fund it. The the Queen and the King of Spain fund it, then he needs to go find ships and he needs to go find a crew. It sounds like he didn't have too much difficulty getting people on board. He was literally, literally promising like gold sprouting from the ground in the new world and the promised land, and yada, yada, yada. He recruits 90 men, all sailors. That's important. I want you to remember that for later. The first voyage, he takes four voyages. Okay? The first one is straight up sailors. One guy he has on board knows Arabic. They didn't know if that would come in handy. The second one is to record everything, basically a journalist to make sure that the voyage was recorded. I didn't love that job. The third is a Spaniard, and he acts on behalf of the crown. And what he's basically there to do is like, if they get there and they find a shit ton of gold, and Columbus comes back and is like, Nope, we didn't find any. Mm. And I'm taking it for myself. That guy's there to be like, no, no, no, no, no. The king and queen get a cut. It's his eyes. Yeah. So he's the eyes and the ears of the crown. Okay, so that's who's on board this first voyage. Early on August 3rd, 1492, Columbus took his famous first voyage. He. And of the four, like I said, this is the first one and he has the Santa Maria, the Pinta, and the Nina. And I also heard that the crew called the Santa Maria, the Dirty Mary. Ooh. And I asked Cha, GBT, I go, is this right girl? And she goes, this is verbatim. She told me the nickname in Spanish. She was like, no, it was actually this. And she goes, honestly, it's funny. Keep it in. Okay. Because I said, it's for the podcast, we shall, honestly, it's funny, keep it in. I was like, thank you. Gets gets us, he headed south towards the Canary Islands and they take advantage of that because the Canary Islands blow, the winds blow west and it's also the last island that they know of where they can get food and water and everything. So they get down there, they stock up, and then they use those winds to help blow them where they need to go. Right. Got it. Because to him it's a direct shot across. It's not, he's trying to go to Asia. I wanna make this very clear, or what he thinks is reput. He's trying to find China. However, do with that information what you will. He wrote in his diary that the beginning of the journey was some of the happiest days of his life. I mean, imagine trying to get this thing off the ground for as many years as you have. It's new, it's fresh. Hopes are high. Right? The beginning, like the Titanic of the journey, it's very beginning of the Titanic. Somehow worse, but yes. So, okay, this will come up later, so I wanna tell you now, but I want you to put a pin in it. Okay? Got it. Yeah. When, okay. Early in the voyage, the Pinta has rudder issues. Okay. The crew thought it might have been sabotage tape, pinzon. The captain of the Pinta and he disagrees with Columbus all the motherfucking time. Okay? And so they get repairs in the Canary Islands and the Pinta continues on normally the Pinta still slang at one point in November. So they've been, they've been sailing for a bit. The Pinta separates from the Santa Maria and the Nina. Oh goes astray. And either intentionally there was also a storm, so they don't know if the storm caused the separation. Columbus believes Martine is straight up ditching them and going to look for gold on his own. Oh, the slander. So just know when they finally make landfall. It is only the Nina in the Santa Maria. You with me? Yeah. The pin is off. The Pinta is doing its own thing. Pin is slanging away. We will come back to the pen top. because of Christopher's miscalculations, they did not realize how far away land actually was. So after, oh, they really thought China was a hop. Skip it. A jump. They were like, we're gonna round this corner and we're gonna be in Whole ass China. They actually called it Cafe, which is China, but yes. He literally was like, I'm gonna find Asia when we turn this corner. And after a while the crew is getting really restless. I mean, imagine you're sitting on a boat and the captain is like, no, no, no, no. We're, we're getting there. We're almost there. And every day is going by and we're, we're not talking like passing islands. We are talking vast, middle of nowhere, open ocean for days and weeks and months on end. And they don't even know the weather. Nope. People on the boat are not happy with him. It's taking forever. It's just not going well. Maybe he should have preset the unknown. Yeah, I think he tried, he miscalculated. He did not know how unknown it was. And at one point I literally would have thrown this man overboard. They're at some point, they're doing their thing and a man just yells land. It was a cloud. He gets this entire boat in an uproar. People are celebrating singing. Columbus is rejoicing. The wind blew in the cloud, left and it was, see, yikes. He has to go overboard. I'm sorry. He has to walk the plane. He's gotta go. You. You can't be here. He's off the boat at land. No, he's last off the boat at least. Yeah. Did they not run out of food? We eventually do get there. On October 7th, there's a massive flock of birds flying northwest. Ooh, this is a very good sign because this is actually part of their migration. And they, Columbus is like, we are following this big flock of fucking birds. This is what we're doing. So he actually has everyone like he ho in their direction, and then they start seeing branches in the ocean with leaves on them, which is obviously a very good sign. Some of the men were like, I don't know if he has any idea what he's fucking doing, but we're just gonna follow the God. What else is there to do? I mean, and they're still just seeing ocean. Yeah. So they're like, who knows? Right? They apparently decide that if they do not see any land over the next few days, they are gonna turn around and go back. They were like, that's where we're at. We're at the end of our road one night at 10:00 PM They think they see a light in the distance. Okay. And at 2:00 AM on October 12th, 1492, they spot a cliff. And after 10 weeks of sailing, they had finally made it and they were about to change the course of human history. Oh, gasp. Thanksgiving, sanos. Oh God, rest ourselves. So they get to land, and when they get there, there are a bunch of natives. And they're the tiano people. The name of the tribe is Tiano. Okay. They were almost naked because they were people of the land. Right? Like they didn't my dream. Truly your dream. Oh my God. You should definitely put part of a tribe. That actually makes a lot of sense, Colleen. Thank you. And you know, they're naked and they have their own way of life and their own way of speaking, and they've never seen Europeans before. And these Europeans are showing up in, like, think of what happens, not to be culturally inappropriate, but think of what happens in Pocahontas where they land and they're just covered in armor and all this crap and they're completely different color skin tone. Like I was thinking like full pilgrim, like No, no, no, no, no. Okay. They're like, I mean, I, the videos that I saw were giving armor. Oh, okay. And sailing, I don't know, somewhere in between the two Mm. I think. Okay. I don't think that's right, actually. I mean, who knows? I do have a picture of myself when I bought those historical things of me in Christopher Columbus era. So they get there and they're meeting the Tiano people. And they're lovely. They're lovely. They're like, who are you? This is who we are. They're showing them around. And Christopher is starting to notice something. No one looks Asian, no one looks Chinese. Something, something feels off about where they are. This say China. He thinks he's in Asia. They're in The Bahamas. Oh, I didn't know that. They are in the Caribbean fully now there's a lot of debate over where they were specifically. They're in the Caribbean. Oh, they don't know. Like there's no official like written down. This is where we were. It's just debated like which specific island he was on. Chrissy, he calls this island San Salvador. He initially likes the natives. He writes highly of them'cause he's writing letters back to the king and queen'cause they want updates, right? And then he starts to take a turn in his writing and then he starts saying like how good of slaves they'll make and how they should be easy to turn to Christianity and how he's gonna bring back a few to Spain so that they can learn how to speak their language and talk about Jesus. You know, like bringing home a souvenir. Some people buy magnets, some people buy shot glasses, bohemians, and he's just bringing home whole as humans who did not ask to learn about your religion or your language, or you literally showed up on their land. Interesting. Right. So they want to keep exploring where they are and so they set sail and they end up in Cuba. Oh wow. They get there again. Lovely. Native people greet them. No Asians. They get to meet a bunch of natives who are showing them around and it says, the natives who had quote fire brand in hand in herbs to drink the smoke thereof. And what these Europeans were experiencing for the very first time, Colleen, alcohol, tobacco. Oh, the beginning of Mabo Lights. Oh, chef's Kiss. We know where it came from and I applaud those people. The natives had had tobacco forever, but this is like European's first experience there starts to become rumors of gold. Mm. And this, I'm just gonna tell you right now, this ruins his life. He becomes so obsessed with finding this goal. It gold. It ruins everything that he does from here on out. It becomes like beyond an obsession. Okay? May I ask, does he ever find, said gold? You shall see. Okay. Columbus is told there is an island where gold is just like fucking hanging from the branches apparently. And so on December 8th, they go to another island and it's called Espanola. He's gonna spend a lot of time here. They're greeted by the locals and everyone is very nice to them. They're greeted by the chief in his entourage, and he has like ornaments, almost like jewelry hung from his head in his necklace in like, like rings and stuff. Some fun garb. Yeah, just some beautiful jewelry. And Columbus is like, that's made from gold. Like there's gold in that. And so. This is where his writing starts to take an even darker turn. He's like, wow, these natives are really cowardly. They're perfect for ordering around and I'm gonna make them do all my bidding. Cool. So we've gone from like, these people are so nice to, I'm gonna bring them home without their, you know, against their will. And now we're like conquering and colonizing. He gets a letter from another island because apparently, you know, we're just spreading that Europeans are frolicking around the Caribbean and in this invite, the chief of this island is like, we invite you warm welcome. And he gifts Columbus, this ornamented belt and he gives him a gift and there's a gold buckle. Oh. And so Columbus is like, oh, here we motherfucking go. I'm chasing my dreams of finding all this gold. So they went to sail to this new island and they were up all night drinking, I guess, the night before. And everyone was like asleep because they were all hung over. And they do not realize that they run up on a reef and ruin the Santa Maria. Like a little boy is awake. No. And the ship is just taking on water. And the little boy wakes up Christopher Columbus and is like. Something is not right and they basically have to abandon ship. Damn. And so it ruins the Santa Maria is the biggest boat and the Nina wasn't big enough to get them all back to Europe with all of their stuff and all of their men. So they're fucked. Where's the Pinta? It's off to in its own thing. I told you we put a pin in it. Do we ever see Pinta again? We haven't come back to her yet. Okay, wait, sorry, sorry. Oh, we will, but not yet. And he's like, well you know what I think we should do? I think we should stay here forever on this lovely island and there's definitely gold here and I'm gonna find it all. And so they use the timber from the Santa Maria to be, to build a fort. And this like running up on the reef, this whole thing. It happens on, I believe Christmas Day. And the fort is called Avi dad, which I don't know if that's on purpose, I'm assuming it is. That's weird. It's a Spanish name so I'm assuming it is. So they build a fort, it's called Avi Dad, and it's on the northwestern coast of Espanola, January 4th, Columbus and some of the men take the Nina and start making their way back home. Okay? They're cruising along. Do you know who they bump into? The Pinta. They bump into the Pinta. How is that possible? There's so much water, so much land. I, I know. And it turns out the Pinta was exploring other areas independently, including the coast of Cuba and parts of Espanola. And they were circling each other without even realizing it. Two ships passing in the night, literally. And Martine Penzone is there, and he's the captain, and he's like, oh my God, great news. We found gold. He's probably passed. And Columbus is like, oh my God, you're forgiven for ditching us also. Where the fuck is it? Right? So they, they chitchat the whole way back to Spain. They're kiking. There was another storm. All you need to know is that Columbus gets pushed to Portugal because of the winds in Martine. Penzone ends up getting back to Spain earlier than him, but Penzone actually has a, an incurable disease, and he dies. Oh, and the problem with this is that he never speaks to the royal family, so he never gets credit because when Columbus finally gets there, guess who has a story about all the gold he found, even though he didn't find anything correct. He takes full credit, he receives a hero's welcome. He gets all the titles and privileges he asks for. He's like vindicated because his voyage actually found new land. And he quote unquote, found all this gold and all of his hopes or dreams are happening. He is also poised to become a very, very, very wealthy man if he can make this new world work because he's getting 10% of the cut, right? So people are pussy popping for Christopher Columbus in Spain at this time. The queen and king are like, fuck yeah, that's why we sent you Hala at your girl. He also did bring back slaves to speak to them and I call them slaves because at this point they are. They were literally kidnapped. Great. So taken against their will, whatever you wanna call it. He literally hasn't found anything. He found the Caribbean, all, all the things that he talked about. There are humans there. He right. That's correct. So. He also, it actually is embarrassing for him to have sunk the Santa Maria because that was like the biggest boat and obviously beautiful and they were drum root. But he is like living it up and he's selling a much fluffier version of his story. He tells them so much more gold is about to be found. He's basically prepping them to pay for his trip back so we can get said gold, right? So when he gets back, he is promising all of the things. He's like, oh, you thought the first voyage was good? Wait till you see my second one, right? This second time is when things get very, very, very dark. I'm just gonna warn you now. Okay, cool. So the king and queen waste, absolutely no time giving him his money and getting him ready for his second voyage. In September of 1493 to how many ships did we start with? Three in 1492. Right? And there were 90 men, including like a man who spoke Arabic, a journalist to record everything, the eyes and ears of the crown in the eyes and ears of the crown. And Christopher Columbus, right? Yeah. And some sailors. 17 ships carrying 1200 men. Damn. Heading to the new world on the ship. Priests were on board to convert the natives in soldiers to kill anyone else. This is not an expedition anymore. This is a full blown conquest. This is colonization. They're going over there to murder, to take over, murder the natives. And when they land, the massacre begins. They. The women they pillage all the villages for which, what land are they at right now? All of them. Oh, okay. They do this to, they do this everywhere. They are looking for gold. They kill natives for sport. They round them up, they enslave them. They make them search for gold that does not exist. If the natives didn't bring them enough gold, they had to bring back a certain amount every day. Oh, they were mutilated. Their hands were cut off. They were raped and executed. Great. Columbus did not regret this. He was not concerned by this. He was leading this charge. This was a means to an end on land that he deserved and was doing for Spain and Christianity. He gets more cruel. Completely loses the plot. So this part is when he really. No, he, I mean we, we've com like I said, we've completely lost the plot. He gets sick and it really starts to affect his mental health. And we, we deteriorate. Like we're, we're not just talking like you're cruel and you're an asshole. He's rott. You are rotting from the inside out. They're not finding enough gold and he's freaking out because he has to write home about what he's found. Yeah. And all they're doing is raping and pillaging and he's got nothing. And he makes his entire crew swear an oath that if broken their tongues would be cut out that they were, in fact in Asia. And everyone's like, okay, we don't want our tongues cut out. So it's like Asia. It is. There is a picture, and I don't know how accurate it is. I'm assuming it's like a picture drawn from recollections that people have read over time and like diaries because there are like diaries and stuff, firsthand sources, and it's the entire crew nailing and like Christopher, it's just really fucking weird. They're in Cuba. By the way again, I think he just wanted to prove to the king and queen. He was like doing all the things that he promised, but he was just getting crazier. He was also governing these new colonies that they were colonizing and his brother and son were also helping, and they were all bad at it, and people were writing home and complaining. The conditions were horrible. Columbus was so cruel. They were so desperate for gold. They were openly at war with the natives. They rounded up 1500 natives. One third of them were shipped to Spain. Damn. A majority of them did not survive the voyage. The king and queen refused to authorize any further shipments of humans because it wasn't profitable for them. Yeah, yeah. But like, not because it was inhumane. Because they couldn't make a profit. That's fair. Also, these slaves were technically now Spanish subjects, and they didn't believe in any Spanish subjects being enslaved. The irony, the ones who were left that were not shipped, they let them go free to fend for themselves, and they were hunted down by Columbus's men for sports. They were picked off one by one. In this video I watched, it said that the Tanos woman fled in such terror that they abandoned their babies. They became fugitives in their own land. They had to go into the mountains and they were hunted down like animals or starved to death. Slay. Yeah. Spaniards also brought smallpox and measles with them. Ew. Which was they're diseases that these natives had absolutely no immunity for, and they died very, very quickly. This absolutely devastated the population. It also hurt because there are now less people to give birth. So there is no replenishing of said population. So I mean, it is just, this is happening in all over the islands. Conquered colonized rape, pillage kill illnesses, just full-blown genocide. It's a genocide. Crazy. And in some areas the native population is completely wiped out, like zero left. His spinola in 1492 was in the millions of people, population wise, and Columbus and his men. That's when they landed there for the first time, 1492. Mm-hmm. By 1550 because of cruelty, murder and disease. The Tanos people the population was at 500. That's crazy. Columbus goes home again. In this time, it is a much less triumphant arrival than previously. It's now been three years. He's been claiming he's got everything figured out and he's gonna find all this gold. He's boasting about all the riches and they're like, great, where is it? And now people are like, we don't think he's in Asia. Something feels incorrect. You don't say they weren't producing the gold in the quantities that he had promised. And he took people against their will. And because of that, they couldn't be converted into Christianity. So when they get to Spain, they don't wanna work with the Spaniards. Obviously they were taken from their homes. They're not going willingly. So Spanish are like, you guys are useless. If you're not gonna be Christians, what the fuck is the point? Right? But Ferdinand and Isabella are much less impressed with Columbus. They continue to support him, only because they don't want another country to scoop him up and get all the profit. So they're helping him, but very reluctantly, they're like not into it. Cool. He takes a third voyage. This one is weirdly, I don't wanna say underrated, because Christopher Columbus is the most overrated person in human history. It's just really interesting. Well, first of all, the horrible part, he funds this mostly because he sold all those people. Hmm. So he uses slaves to fund his third voyage. The reason why I say it's underrated, he finds South America and he doesn't know he does. Oh. So he lands in Venezuela. He finds a whole ass new continent that Europeans have not been on, and he doesn't realize it. Damn. And he's like, well, I think this is something, but. This isn't what I'm looking for. This ain Asian. Put a pin in it. Bye. Yep. He is now suffering from dysentery. Oh Lord. AKA Karma Oregon Trail. That's correct, Colleen And the wagons, the wooden wagons. He, he got it in his previous voyage in, its affecting his mental stability. He becomes paranoid and delusional at this point. The gold stuff is a full blown mania. He will not shut the fuck up about it. He's basically katie Herron talking about Regina George. It's crazy. He writes the Spanish Monarchs. Now this happens a lot where people get desperate. So there's stories get taller, but the more taller your story gets, the harder your eyes roll. Like when you can see through it kind of thing. So he tells the Spanish monarchs that he's gonna find the gold. Okay? He's gonna find this new world. He's gonna find the gold. There's treasure and it's hidden, and he's gonna find it. Okay? And he thinks he found the Garden of Eden. My guy. I mean, a great thing to tell Christians, however, they're not buying your shit anymore. No. Right. Sure. Jan. Sure. You're desperate. And it's, and it's showing. He gets back to his penola. Full blown anarchy, uprising, insanity. They're at war against his son. They're at war against his brother. No one is getting along. He can't calm anyone down. No one will listen. No one will cooperate. They are at all out war. It is so bad. He writes to Spain, I need backup. They send a nobleman with like judicial powers. Basically a judge. He gets there and all he hears about is how cruel and awful Columbus and his son are. How unfair. How awful everything is. And Columbus doesn't help himself because when the judge gets there, he's an asshole to him in super arrogant, naturally Cool. They imprison him. Oh, and his son and his brother finally, and he is charged with concealing gold. Ooh, there is no gold. I just wanna scream it through this whole story. There is no gold. There is no gold. And if there is, it is in like tiny, tiny, teeny, tiny quantities. Yeah. It's not like a you walk, you touch down, put take a step in the sand. All of a sudden there's a girl just sprouting from the fucking trees. I also read, he was charged with a few things. I also read that this nobleman in judge had his own scheme and basically a bunch of them behind Christopher Columbus's back where like. In a lot of ways that political things happen now, where like, we can't back this crazy guy, but we still want all of this for ourselves. So we're gonna make him the fall guy in the scapegoat. Right. Send him back and then try to colonize and find the gold ourselves. So it kind of became like he was an easy out either way. He goes back to Spain in chains and in disgrace. Great. He gets home, they are like, you can have some, you're the admiral of the ocean. Don't worry. That still is a thing, whatever the fuck that means. But he is stripped of all of his powers. He can never go back to his spinola. He is not governor. He has no power over these colonies. He's a peasant. The biggest piece of evidence against him was his cruelty towards the natives and how harsh the punishments were. He also didn't allow natives to be baptized, even though that was the whole fucking point. Mm-hmm. His whole thing was to discover the new world, find a new trade route, and expand Christianity. He didn't do it on purpose because once they were baptized, you couldn't enslave them. So he purposely kept them from the Lord Jesus. They do let him go on one more voyage. I don't know why. He's not allowed anywhere near Espanola. They're like, you can kick fucking rocks with open toed shoes. Right. He's banished, they wanted him to explore more north of the new world that he quote unquote discovered, which is Central America. So like Honduras, Nicaragua, Costa Rica. And he ironically gets shockingly close to the Panama Canal, oh, which is the exact trade route that exists today that he was looking for tea. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. The one place he was looking for, and it's just crazy how close he gets. But anyway, this voyage is a bummer. The sickness is horrific. They hit a bunch of storms. They don't find anything at all. He's an asshole to everyone and everyone is so mad. There's multiple mutiny. It's just really bad. He ends up getting shipwrecked in Jamaica and stuck there for over a year. Not a bad place to be shipwrecked though. I mean, who knows? It's kind of giving tropical oasis. I dunno how it was in these times, but Yeah. Sure. And they have to send someone to go save him. He went back to Spain one final time. So those were those four voyages in November, 1504. Okay. Okay. When he gets back, he finds out Queen Isabella has died. She is his biggest champion and has been rooting for him this whole time and is really the only reason why he has been able to do anything up to this point and they are not taking his shit anymore. And he writes this super bitter, angry letter to them demanding titles and money, claiming he discovered 1700 islands and basically invented Spain. He, the, the fluffing up of his, what he found and what he accomplished is that must so nice to be delusional. Some people are, yeah, they ignore him fully. They never respond good. He dies finally on May 20th, 1506 oh very shortly. I mean, he was largely forgotten, right? That everyone just moves on with their life. Historians say that. In the grand scheme of things, Europe was so close to discovering South America, someone was about to do it. Like it wasn't that farfetched. He just got really lucky. Yeah, he was right, placed, right time, and he didn't even know he did it. Can we please keep that in mind? He left, he bounced. He didn't see no gold. No. He found feral monkeys. I wish they fucking ate him. He found islands I mean, he found the Caribbean, but they were already found because people lived there. So the only thing you can really say about Christopher Columbus is he established a map. He was able to keep record to go on these voyages, to repeat these voyages, and then spread the word about said voyages and made it replicable for others to come. But that's really it. He never stepped foot in the America, in the country that we live in today. Not one single time. T Columbus Day became a federal holiday in the United States under President Franklin d Roosevelt in 1937. Roosevelt, what we doing? And so I just said, how did we get here? Like how on earth does such a shitty person have such an inflated story that literally does not exist? And this is what Chad GBT said. Our girl, Christopher Columbus didn't become a big deal in America because of who he actually was. He became a big deal because generations of America needed a hero. So they took a greedy, lost its sea tyrant, and turned him into the poster boy for discovery. National pride in later Italian American identity. Irish immigrants even created the Knights of Columbus in the late 18 hundreds as a way to prove their patriotism and to claim a place in American society. Cities, statues, holidays, all of it came from the myth, not the man. And now, as people actually learn what he did, the country stuck in this weird tug of war between tradition and truth. So really, Columbus's real legacy isn't exploration. It's being the most over-hyped figure in US history. Who accidentally became the main character of a story he didn't even write? You heard it here first folks, and from what I can understand, it sounds like with FDR, who I think was one of our best presidents of this world's nation that we live in, it sounds like a lot of Italian and Irish immigrants were suffering from discrimination. And Christopher Columbus being Italian born, they fed into the idea of him discovering this world and that he was Italian and then they used him as the poster child. I do understand it. I wish they picked a different person, but I do understand it. And so like what is more American than the person who founded it, even though he didn't. Right. Here are the top 10 things named after Christopher Columbus, Washington, DC is the District of Columbia. Oh, I didn't even, Columbia is for Columbus. Oh, is it? I didn't think of that. Sure. Is Columbia University? Ah. British Columbia, also known as Canada, the Columbia River, Columbus, Ohio, dozens of us cities and counties, such as there are over 60 by the way. Wow. Columbus, Georgia, Columbus, Indiana, Columbus, Mississippi, Columbus, South Carolina, Columbia, Missouri, Columbia County, which is in multiple states. All rooted in Columbus, Columbus Circle in New York City, in major US monuments. Like hundreds of them. Oh, oh, oh. It's over a hundred. It's definitely over a hundred. The country name Columbia in South America, Columbus, the Knights of Columbus. That's true. I didn't even put that. Two and two together. Yep. In NASA's Columbus Science Laboratory, which is still in operation and is a major module on the International Space Station. Ooh. There is also a strong possibility his crew. Once they got to the islands and raped and pillaged, everyone brought syphilis to Europe and it became an epidemic and killed hundreds of thousands, if not millions of people all over Europe. So yeah, that is the story of Christopher Columbus. Not so hot. Now. Is he? What a dick. What a dick. Just like a greedy, boastful ginger with no soul. The dysentery really got'em, the dysentery in the golds, and just like this idea just made him a disgusting human being. Catch me. Oh God, I can't even speak. That was bad. I was gonna say catch me. What's the word that's exclamation, like exclaiming. Preaching, what's the word I'm looking for? I don't know. It doesn't matter. Catch me sitting at the bar at the nights of Columbus Yodeling the truth. Yeah. Yeah. He was a huge dick. His first voyage was getting there and realizing it wasn't Asia and getting to the locals in essentially capturing them so he could go home and look like a hero and take credit for a thing. He didn't do that. Martin Pinzon did on the Pinta. He never went to North America. He never went to Asia. The second time was full conquest, full disgusting genocide. The third one he accidentally finds South America has no idea because he is an idiot yet. And then the fourth one's the super pathetic. Central America one where he actually gets close to finding the thing he does and then just gets shipwrecked and sent home and then he croaks. Yeah. Finally. Hallelujah. So anything to add? I'm well informed, right? I'll be telling everybody. I know that Christopher Columbus is a fraud. He's a fucking fraud. That's the best way to describe him. He is a fraud. It makes me wonder what was in our history books growing up.'cause I don't remember. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Like what was actually written That I don't remember. I remember. I just remember like the 1492 Columbus sail, the ocean sale of the ocean Blue Nina pin. Yeah. So I think, let me ask Chad, pt, that's our girl. Columbus discovered America. He was a brave explorer who proved the earth was round. He was friendly with the native people. His voyages were a noble quest of exploration. And we celebrate him because he changed the world for the better. All of which, every single ounce of this, it is the polar opposite. Indeed. What a wanka. Wanka. Yeah. In a nutshell. And I told you to bring something funny'cause I knew that wasn't gonna be like. A super bright tail to tell. What do you got for us? Let me tell you something I have a tail for. Yeah. Okay, I'm ready. I have the story of Thanksgiving, but the one that you will get in history books similar to yours apparently. Oh, okay. Okay. This is from my girl, Chachi, BT, and a couple other things. Okay. So picture the pilgrims stumbling off the Mayflower after months at sea, looking like they've been marinated in damp socks and depression. Oh, Jesus. What a visual. They're starving. They're confused. They're definitely touch starved to the point of feral eye contact energy. And to the wampanoag, and they're like, who are these crunchy beige scarecrows, but they're also giving them a little side eye smirk because the pilgrims were tragically pathetic and a kind of fixer, upper boyfriend way. The pilgrims are like, hi al, we don't know how to farm, eat or survive or do anything. Right? But we do how to make no, but we do know how to make questionable decisions. In B tats fair and the Wano, they sigh and they teach them how not to perish, and suddenly the pilgrims think they're hot shit again, like one successful corn harvest. And these people are walking around with the confidence of men who just discovered body wash. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And then comes the feast. Okay. The first Thanksgiving was basically a chaotic colonial thirst trap. Potluck, what a bunch of words you just said in a row. Everyone shows up bringing food vibes and a questionable amount of sexual tension because there's been months of isolation. Everyone was finally fed and the mead was meeting. We love when the mean meads. Yeah. And the pilgrims are serving overcooked Turkey under seasoned everything. And we're pretending we don't wanna hook up, but absolutely want to Energy. Okay. I didn't realize this was like as sexually charged as the after party, after the musical. No chat was helping a girl out. What is with the, the, this is the tell all from Thanksgiving. Oh. Oh, right. The first Thanksgiving. Jesus Christ and the WPS show up with actual good food and actual skills. And suddenly every pilgrim is like OMG competence is so sexy. There was definitely some flirting over corn, like it was a prop and a music video. And there was definitely someone bending over a roasting fire. Just a little too slow. Oh. Oh my God. I'm like uncomfortable. You just said earlier, you can't read smut on Audible. Well, it's funny if it's like me saying it out loud and like, oh, okay, Greg, you're the exception. I don't wanna listen to somebody else say it, but I'll say it. I'm very uncomfy. And then someone says, pass the gravy in a way that's illegally suggestive. I was dying laughing when I read this. Then dessert rolls around and everyone was overfed, overheated and over. Oh my God. And they were pretending like this wasn't the weirdest potluck in human history. And that my love is that the first Thanksgiving ended with full bellies, questionable decisions, and at least three couples sneaking off in a tree to go check on the firewood, a historical mess, a hunger quenching thigh quivering spectacle, a feast and federal vibes, not the thigh quivering. And then we have a diary entry from November of 1621 titled The Morning After. Okay, gossip Girl. Dear diary, I have witnessed the most unholy deranged festival since the serpent, serpent tempted Eve with a Granny Smith, apple, Jesus Christ. My, my head throbs. My corset is missing something, smells like smoked Turkey and shame. Let me recount the carnage before the details slip away like John Alden did when I asked him what happened to my left shoe entry one. Let's call her Gertrude. This is Gertrude's entry. Okay. Well, she's your great-great-great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great grandmother. I think. Okay, pop. This sounds like you maybe Mary. This could be a Mary. This could be a Mary. Let's call her Mary. Okay. Mary's first century, the feast began normal enough until it didn't. We sat down to enjoy the great feast with the Ws, and for the first 10 minutes, everything seemed civilized. We thank the Lord, passed the bowls, and then something in that mead turned on us. I took two sips and suddenly the fire looked sensual. I don't know what those berries were, but someone needs to check. Period. Next entry. Entry number two, the moment things went off the rails, I knew we were doomed when Sarah from down the land moaned while eating a roasted ear of corn. This is not absurd, not quietly, not in a humble God-fearing way. It was a full body. Call me Maisy Daddy. Oh my. Call me Maisie daddy. What the fuck? Calling, sorry. Maze Daddy'cause corn. Duh. Two of the men dropped their Turkey legs in shock. Then someone shark come off. I won't name names John Alden, but the man had his linen undone faster than you can say. Forbidden lust. Jesus Christ. He claimed it was too warm by the fire, but he was flexing so hard. His veins were spelling out the 10 Commandments. At one point I turned around and saw a grown man trying to demonstrate something romantic with a Turkey leg. It was a prop. I had seen things. I shall never look at poultry again without shame. It was a prop. It was a prop. Halfway through the night, couples started disappearing into the forest at under the, what's the word, guys? Geese. Guys, guys, of collecting more firewood. If a baby is born in August, we shall all know why. I too wandered briefly in the woods only to find two grown men wrestling shirtless over who brought the better squash. The squash was not involved, but looked deeply traumatized. Get it. At some point, Samuel comes along. Samuel came. Samuel Samuel. Samuel came up behind me and whispered, your ankle looks heavenly tonight, not the ankle. My goodness. I may have giggled. I may have flirted. I may have done some questionable things behind the bread oven. I cannot confirm nor deny the bread oven. The details are fabulous. The last century, I awoke in a pile of leaves wearing someone else's cloak and one singular sock. My hair smells of wood smoke and decisions I cannot morally justify my corset gone, missing, vanished. Like my good judgment. I found three Turkey feathers in my braid. I don't know how they got there, and I'm afraid to ask. Someone carved a heart into a pumpkin with initials I don't recognize and someone else is crying because the cranberry sauce pot is missing. And I have theories and John Alden refuses to make eye contact with anyone, which means he remembers everything. Oh, my final thoughts are, dear Lord, I pray this entry never sees the light of day, but also 10 outta 10 would feast again. X, OXO, Mary. John Alden, we have his journal entries because, oh my God, let me tell you first, what are they called firsthand? Sources, firsthand sources different POV firsthand account. Okay, November 16, 21. Dear God, what I have I done. Dear journal, I fear I have sinned, blacked out, redeemed myself, rescind, and now carry the hangover of a man who wrestled a bear and lost my head pounds. My muscles ache. My pants are on backwards. Let me document this before my memory fades, like my reputation. We began the feast with prayer, good intentions and humility. And then someone handed me a mug of me that tastes like honey regret and future ba bad decisions. I drank one and then another. By mug three, I could hear colors. And by mug four, I believed that I was invincible. I unbuttoned my shirt because the fire was too hot. But in truth, I wanted everyone to see what I had done, like one pushup a week. I made the mistake of glancing over at that girl, you know, the one, and she was eating roasted corn as if she were auditioning for a scandal. Oh, she made eye contact with me while licking butter off of her thumb. I dropped, oh my God, I'm feeling things. I dropped my Turkey leg and I dropped my morals. The Turkey leg incident. I do not recall performing with the Turkey leg. However, several towns folk will not look me in the eye. This morning. One man whispered John, the leg was innocent. Oh, I refuse to elaborate unforgivable things. I challenged two wampanoag men to a strength contest, even though they're built like carved marble, and I am built like a colonial broomstick. I lifted a log and they lifted a tree. Someone cheered, someone else booed. I may have flexed so hard. I nearly passed out. At some point, I wandered into the woods with someone under the pretense of gathering firewood. We gathered absolutely nothing except sin. I remember kisses leaves stuck to the skin and stumbling back to camp with twigs in my hair, like a woodland crypted. Oh my God. I hope the Lord wasn't watching, but I know the raccoons were. Oh, he was watching honey, he was watching. I do vaguely recall carving initials into a pumpkin while declaring I believe in love. I do not know who initials they were. It might've been mine. It might've been hers. It might've been the turkeys. I am very afraid to check. The morning after I awoken face down in a pile of ferns wearing a cloak, that's definitely not mine. And smelling of mead spoke in someone else's perfume. My boots missing, my dignity gone. My voice strained from yelling, make wave for John Elden, Lord of feasts. Someone told me I tried to fist fight a pumpkin and someone told me, I said I cried over cranberry sauce. Someone said, I told three separate people I love them and I do in fact believe all of this. The girl will not look at me. A K. A Mary. Oh my God. Which means she remembers everything. A hundred percent. Final thought. I cannot face the town today. I'll be in the woods pretending to hunt, but actually hiding. But if we feast again next year, I'm absolutely doing it all over again. Oh my God. 10 outta 10 again. Wow. And that is the chat, GPT feral version of Thanksgiving. And that's the tea on the behind the scenes stories from John Elden and our dear Mary and Samuel apparently was in the mix for a minute. Wow. Lot of veins, lot of corn, a lot of Turkey legs, a lot of weird Turkey legs. A lot of strange, but it's also like maybe they were doing that you don't know. Sure, come on. I love that for you. People have needs, I guess, I don't know. I don't know what they were winking up to back in the 16 hundreds. Maze, daddy. Well, let's hope it's that. How about that? I'll never get over Maze Daddy, maze Daddy. That will have my nightmares. I,'cause I've read it. Maisy Daddy like, yeah, maze. Just call me Maisy daddy. It reminds me of grownups when you're like, ma, this is the student I'm talking about. Ma, have you ever seen a movie that has won an Oscar? No. Probably not. Oh, really quick, my sources I listened to, who was Christopher Columbus, episode two 15 of the American History Hit Podcast. This amazing YouTube video by Big Ships, big Ships, Columbus', brutal and Controversial, voyage to the Americas. I use that for a lot. And then Columbus into the New World documentary, the People's Profiles on YouTube as well. Those are my sources. I didn't wanna start there'cause I didn't want you to know what I was doing until the time was right. You're so slick and silly. Okay. What are you grateful for? It's the Thanksgiving episode. This comes out, I believe, the day before Thanksgiving. Chicken nuggets. Sure. You Oh, Gaspa. Shut up. Oh, sorry. Too excited, but yeah. Yeah. This podcast. Yeah, this apartment. Yeah. I love this little laugh. Mans of course, always tequila. You don't have to keep stretching. Yeah. If you're done, you can be done. Why did my brain immediately go to snacks and beverages? Because those are your favorite things. That's true. Not people. The ones that you love are the top of the list. That number is small and then it's like condiment, food, beverage. Yeah. And then it's like the rest of the people that you tolerate and then like nothing else. Got it. The, I mean, the people go without saying feel like I'm about to say like I, it's giving like when you had a IM and you have to like put your best use in your profile. Like I'm not doing that right now. Yeah. You're MySpace. Top eight. Yeah. Like we're good. Yeah. Like obviously I'm gonna say my niece and nephew, if you know, you know. Yeah. My friends. What else we got? I agree with that whole list. I would sub tequila for vodka. I love this podcast. I'm very grateful for you. I love you a lot. I actually still can't believe we've been doing this for three and a half years and that people still listen to us. I am grateful for Piss piss. May it find us, may it find us. May it hit me like a dump truck and that's all. Hall. Hello. I'm actually really grateful for Auntie Terry's cooking because she has fed me now with Thanksgiving. She'll have fed me three weekends in a month. Damn. And just being around her and our uncle, and our cousin Karen, and being in their house and just feeling like really loved. And this isn't an advertisement. Karen does not listen, so no, she doesn't, no. She'll never know. I just feel I leave there and I feel cared for and loved and like I laughed and I had a good time and I just adore them very, very much. Yeah. Couldn't couldn't be our houses, but yeah. No, definitely not. Definitely not. But we'll be, are you gonna be there this year? Are you not going this year? No, I can't. That's. So wild to me. Yeah. I'm totally not happy about it, but it is what it's, yeah, no, listen, different plans this year. It's okay. Save me some good. It's all, I will save you some baked potato soup. I will FaceTime you and tell you all the tales. I'll put you in the corner so you can judge even love that. You know what I mean? I'll stick you right up in the corner so you can still hear everyone. I think it has to be like, I have to FaceTime you like in the car, like on the way to my destinations. Like that's annoying. Oh, I didn't even think of that. Yeah, that sucks. Or in the bathroom, you like I, I'm like, excuse me. I have very important call to make. It's okay. Maybe you and I do something, you and I go get dinner. That could be a sleigh and of course mans can come and we'll do like a little Thanksgiving thing. Okay. Do you feel good about that? Yeah. Would that like fill that? Scratch that. It should we, should we text the girl that pops? No. It has to be like a Karen, Erin thing. Yeah. For me to feel, I figure, okay, let me, let me, let's rally the truth. Scratch the men. Who gives a fuck? Well, I just love him. I doing that with him. I, no, but okay, we'll we'll get the girlies. Okay. Slim, we'll round'em up. Alright everyone, well I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving. However you celebrate. I hope you eat all the things. I hope you take a large nap and if you go out the night before, I hope that you are at least well enough to have some tasty food. Are you planning on going out the night before? Because you used to do that, that was your thing for a very long time. I don't have any like concrete plans. I feel like everybody has like different places they wanna go. So I did, I think we're gonna do like a girl's dinner and then if you have to go somewhere like after like in disperse you can go bee wherever disperse. Got it. You know if someone has to go to the North shore'cause like significant other or like whatever the fuck. Yeah. Then you can do that. But we shall see like TBD. Oh I love that. I think that's a great idea. Yeah.'cause it's like a way to see everyone but everyone can also do their own thing at the same time. Yeah. And like just girlies only, no men. Yeah. Fair. That's totally fair. But if they wanna hang out after they can but like dinner is girlies only. Yeah. I love that girl Pops only. Alright everyone, very thankful for all of you. Hope you have a wonderful day. Gobble gobble. Thankful, grateful. Hashtag blessed. Love you mean it. Love you mean it. Bye Gobble. Gobble, gobble. I saw three wicked fat turkeys today.

Speaker: 1:37:42

for sippin with the Shannon's. This

Speaker 9: 1:37:49

podcast was produced by me, Bridget Shannon. Music is written and performed by Matt Derosiers. You can find his band, Super Stoker, anywhere you listen to music.